“Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.”
~Lao Tzu
There is no end to the kindness that is possible. And it starts at home with ourselves.
Right now, feel into the possibility of being infinitely kind within yourself. You resist nothing. You don’t feed mental stories that make you unhappy, which means you no longer believe self-critical thoughts or judgments of others. You welcome your feelings and befriend them rather than turning away.
Not only are you open to what is present, you are openness itself. Everything coming and going within you – thoughts, habits, needs, perceptions of yourself as a separate being – and here you are – alive, receptive, completely at peace with it all.
Happiness? Contentment? Fulfillment? So obvious when you know you are this openness that excludes nothing. Already overflowing, you realize that not one extra thing is needed.
Closing Down Denies Openness
This is our natural state. But what keeps us from expanding into openness? Fear.
We are afraid of discomfort; we fear the idea of encountering the unknown or losing control. We convince ourselves that closing down is necessary to survive, and we avoid the consequences of honest and real truth-telling like the plague.
We get so used to our habitual ways of being that we can’t let ourselves experience things differently.
When we close down, we wall ourselves off from our own experience. A difficult feeling comes up – can’t go there. Disappointment, an old grudge, an unmet need – these throw you off and leave you scrambling to try to find equilibrium once again.
All of this effort and doing saps energy. It’s what leaves us discontented, depleted, stressed, and sick.
And at the root of it, the idea of ourselves as separate entities that need to be protected stays firmly intact. It’s like constantly being at war, keeping the enemy from taking us over.
And the enemy is simply your own experience.
Yet we desperately long to relax and simply be. We yearn to drop all the effort it takes to close down and let everything in. Somehow we know that peace is possible.
How We Close
Let’s explore how we close down, how we turn away from ourselves. Let me count the ways:
- We avoid feelings
- We live in stories of regret and blame
- We think we are insufficient or lacking, which keeps us caught in the cycle of seeking attention and approval
- We believe thoughts about all the terrible things that might happen
- We focus only on thinking (living in the head), while ignoring the rest of our experience
- All compulsive, addictive, mind-numbing (and heart-numbing) behaviors
Closing down is not our natural, unconditioned state – that is openness. Closing is a habit, a well-worn path for many of us, a choice we make when we are afraid or don’t know what else to do.
It is often the product of decades of avoiding feelings and spinning stories endlessly that make us suffer. In that sense, it is understandable, but it doesn’t support awakening/happiness/peace.
Glorious Openness
So what to do with this habit of closing down? Open…open…open… In openness, you move from tunnel vision and rigidity to space and infinite possibility.
You really can put down all the efforting it takes to close down and instead flow like water.
You know, in your heart of hearts, what is asking for openness.
- A feeling that’s been buried long ago
- A story or belief that you know doesn’t serve you
- An old habit
- An identity, a way of thinking about yourself, that is limiting and painful – and untrue.
- A strong physical sensation
- Any inner experience that is masking happiness.
Being open may be scary at first. You don’t know what it will be like, and you don’t know what you will discover. But take it from me, the water’s fine in here. Simply put your toe in to start.
Instead of being scared, be curious. Recognize what you have been avoiding and turn towards it. Investigate the feeling – it won’t bite. See that the story you have been telling yourself like a broken record doesn’t serve. It’s just words – blah, blah, blah. Explore what it might be like to not hold onto your personal identities so strongly.
Openness is a love letter to yourself. It holds everything without one iota of resistance.
Inhabit openness. Live here gloriously. Feelings may come and go, but they are no problem. Simply be the openness that you are. Eternal resting as peace…
What is it like to close down, to open? What are you waiting for? I’d love to hear…
What a beautiful journey back to Home, reading this piece of writing. Thank you, Gail. So gently inviting, permission-giving and sweetly healing. It is brilliant. I will be sharing this around.
Blessings to you,
Amyra
So sweet, Amyra. Love to you….
Hi Gail,
I have to tell you before I forget, I completed Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map program a couple weeks ago and my number 1 Core Desired Feeling is “Flourishing,” thanks in part to your blog. You are like that calm, clear (another one of my CDFs) voice in the back of my head that I have been hearing telling me to step back, walk away, open up, be kind.
Anyways, with regard to this post specifically, I keep asking people…and it’s always my first reaction…do I really have to just sit back and watch when my spouse is the exact opposite of openness? Sometimes I don’t feel like I can even show him the path, let alone lead him on it, when of course I’m not always open and I’m human and I’m imperfect as well. Why would he think yoga and meditation help when I do still snap at my kids or they have tantrums and (in his eyes) that makes me less than perfect, so he sees no good is all the work I do? When something good happens to me, he immediately finds a way to turn it into a situation whereby whatever good thing has come about it makes him feel more fragile and less loved in our relationship. It hurts me in my body, I literally have an ache in my shoulders/back, when he becomes overly sensitive (dealing with depression/paranoia) and I cannot help him to see through it. I think in my softness as I continue to grow it is getting easier between us, but he is impatient. He wants perfection between us, and he wants it now. Saying that, of course, just shined a light on the fact that clearly I am impatient with his impatience 🙂 Am I putting myself on a pedestal? How can I ditch the ego and relate to someone on a soul level when we are vibrating on such different frequencies?
I appreciate your question, Peace. And I’m sure you’re not alone in asking it.
You can only walk your own path – you can’t walk someone else’s. So your job is not to enlighten him or change him, but to lovingly meet all of your reactions that arise in response to him.
Yes, there are difficult people in our lives, but the thoughts and feelings that appear in us are our full responsibility. You are seeing this when you say that you notice your impatience with his impatience. What if, when you feel the movement to fix or change him, instead you look at your own triggering and not at his issues?
It sounds like he may be putting pressure on you to be the one to make the relationship perfect. Don’t take this on, but also do your work. And really, it’s not for him, but for you – your peace and awakening that eventually lights up everyone and everything.
As your triggering subsides as you welcome it, you stop dancing your relationship dance. Who knows what is possible then?
May you flourish endlessly…
Funny how the Universe shows us what we need to see.
Yesterday a co-worker asked me how I’m doing – that I looked sad. I thought, “No, I’m not sad. I’m not actually feeling anything right now.” I’ve closed up shop on feelings right now.
I’ve lived in openness before. I remember the joy and peace. I recently experienced some very hurtful and painful times and have reverted back to the old habit of closing up.
Your blog really resonates with me and rings true in many aspects…that I think I can’t open up because I have to protect myself. My life is too busy right now to open up and let loose. If I open up I will be this flood of emotions and unable to take care of my family or my work…blah blah blah…excuses excuses.
My question is – HOW do I open back up? I want to be there, but I can’t seem to find my path back.
Hi Amanda,
First, you might explore if you want to open or not. I am hearing that your mind comes up with many reasons for not opening. Maybe this isn’t a good time.
But I think you are also afraid of what might happen, which is why you need to protect yourself. Fear projects ideas about what the future will be like – when you don’t actually know.
If there are a lot of feelings that have been avoided for a long time, it helps to have a guide. You learn that you can touch into those difficult places for a period of time – say a few minutes or a half hour. Then that time is over and you come together again and function. This can help you see if what you fear is true or not and allows you to begin to open. Or you might try doing this on your own – open for a minute to start, and when a minute is over, move on. Experiment to see what is possible for you. Go slow at a pace that feels right for you. There is an intelligence in opening in this way.
How to open? Relax. Let the defenses down for a moment and be curious about what is present. That’s all it takes.
In love and support…
8 months later and I’m finally starting to open up to some of this hurt. Of course it’s bigger than I initially thought and stems back to some long held lie I’ve been believing (and unfortunately still believe to some degree) about my worth. But in little minutes at a time I’m allowing myself to feel, to cry, to reflect, to try to change my thoughts on this lie and then I can carry on with my day. Tomorrow I might try to let it come out for a little longer. I know there’s a light at the end of this where I no longer need to “allow” myself to feel this and I hope I can make it there. Your articles are inspiring and I can’t explain how grateful I am that you are willing to help guide so many people back to our true selves. Thank you.
A warm welcome to you, Amanda. The return to realizing your essential wholeness is now inevitable, as you are no longer willing to live with this lie. This is what it takes—a strong desire for freedom.
I appreciate that you are taking this little by little. There is no hurry, and each moment of truth-telling erodes the conditioning and reminds you of peace.
Sending love and support…
Beautifully writ again, Gail, and once one has lived it, one knows what you mean. The transition is the really hairy part and it’s fraught with (natural) misunderstanding and many harsh traps. No-one is an island, and as others see you change, some will be touched and some will do everything to pull you back to what they’re used to. This kind of animal exists inside oneself too and causes havoc along the way as it feels its very survival to be threatened.
It’d be wonderful if you can give examples of initial steps in some real person’s journey to openness, and mention who real situations that were dealt with, some better some worse…
Of course, no words come close to the living and the being: your words, which fall somewhat on the abstract side, have most of their power because of the spirit of the writer between the lines.
Hi Tristan,
When we make the decision to open, there may be obvious changes. Some may like them, others may feel threatened by them. The question then is what do you really want. This path of freedom is a radical one, and it’s not about pleasing others or getting certain reactions from them. It burns up everything, all attachments to everything, and is not for the faint of heart.
In the realm of the person, there is an animal in there who can feel that its survival is threatened. But you are so much more. If you take the position of awareness, threat is simply the sensations of fear arising in space that mean nothing without a story attached. This is freedom. You are not the threat or the story – these arise in you. You are awareness, infinitely at peace with itself.
Initial steps to openness include, first of all, wanting to be open. You feel the pain of closing down and refuse to live that way anymore. All the turmoil and drama – you just don’t want it anymore. Then you place the light of your awareness on whatever is present here in the moment. From a space of equanimity, you are curious, just seeing what is as it is, with no story, commentary, or interpretation. So it’s not about dealing with situations. It’s about meeting yourself as you are, being so incredibly kind by not resisting yourself.
It’s the end of running and the beginning of a true and deep hello to yourself, to fully living.
Gail,
Thank you for sharing your insights. Openness does need to start from home and ourselves. There is such a lot of negativity out there that we tend to absorb some of it and react by closing off ourselves to being kind. Sometimes one unkind remark or reaction by someone completely irrelevant can take us on a long period of self-critical thoughts or judgments of others.
Welcome to you, Pooja!
It is so easy to close down, as you say. And when we do, we notice that we feel separate, unhappy, and stuck in thinking. We always have the possibility of opening to our own reactions. Noticing you are judging or self-critical and investigating these thoughts is so kind, as it leads to the clarity that can release you from their grip. It’s amazing to know there is always a way out of suffering, and it starts with openness.
I’m definitely bookmarking this so I can read it again and again. So inspiring and exactly what I needed to read today. Just found your site today. Love it!
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment, Emily. A warm welcome to you…
Hi Gail.
I am sometimes closed off, but it tends to be on purpose. I’m usually open when in public and around strangers, and good things happen because of this. People can sense when you are looking to co-mingle and when you are looking to distance yourself.
I’m not too in tune with my feelings, but I get what you are saying about not covering them up with some busy time-wasting activity. Time-wasting mind-numbing activities, as you referred to, are a big part of our economy, as many want to run from the issue knocking at their doorstep.
You keep it real on this site, but there are only so many people who can appreciate this type of depth.
Armen! A voice from the past. So great to hear from you.
Your comment shows great insight about opening and closing. Yes, people can sense when we are closed and distancing, and there is more flow when we are open.
Good point about mind-numbing activities being a big part of our economy. Our economy is about desire, not happiness. It takes a great deal of willingness to go against the grain and stand in our truth for what we know to be right and real.
The proof is in the pudding, though. For me, openness, even to those challenging issues knocking on the doorstep, is happiness itself. I no longer have to spend energy keeping things at bay, running away from them. It’s so simple – “oh, it’s like this right now.” No drama needed.
Hey Gail good to hear from you too. That line there is smooth about how our economy is about desire and not happiness. I will add that to my understanding. I have noticed that products match up with seeming like they will give people happiness, and actually using someone’s weakness against themselves.
Yes, that’s the hook. It seems like products will give us happiness, but they create not happiness itself, but the desire for happiness. They feed desire. No products are needed for real happiness. It’s closer than close, available always.
This kind of post is a gift to readers. Thank you for this gift!
Thanks so much for stopping by, Napoleon. I’m glad that this post resonated with you.
Hi Gail, a friend passed me your blog… good for me to read today. I’ve just noticed how the self-acceptance and kindness to self that I’ve discovered of late – was entirely swept away by fear of a legal process where I think I may have made a mistake. The old beliefs about being ‘wrong’ just took over and I was shocked at the rug so easily being pulled from under me. I’ve started my own blog recently http://trysoftereveryone.blogspot.co.uk/ so will do a bit to look at it there. Thanks for your wise words… I’m grateful to be reminded of the infinite capacity for kindness – to one’s self…
V best wishes to you x
Welcome to you, Maggie. Fear is definitely going to shut down openness, as you are experiencing. And it is harsh to be at war with oneself. I love your instinct to want to be kinder toward yourself, which is exactly what is needed.
Love to you…
You are so right Gail. When we are closed down, we suffer. We want something we don’t have, we are always lacking, we live in our mind and through our ego. But when we are living in openness, we enjoy what we have, we explore something new.
I used to be the one who closed down and I was unhappy. But then, I gradually change. I become more open. I believe there is always a better way of doing things. I explore, I learn and become better. I make the best out of what I have. No more complaints, just happy and content. To me, every moment is an opportunity. I choose to use it the best I can.
These are beautiful words, Nor. Thanks so much for sharing. You express what is possible for everyone.
Love to you…