“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”
~Charles R. Swindoll
Are you sensitive, prone to feeling resentment, rejection, disapproval, or disappointment? Then you’re taking things personally, and you know how much it hurts.
It’s one of the human experiences that cuts deep, and we often have trouble finding our way out.
I used to feel personally offended if someone was late or he didn’t call or the feedback I got was less than stellar. At times, it seemed like everywhere I turned, someone was trying hurt my feelings. And, although I didn’t know it, I was a willing participant.
Nothing Sticks
There is so much freedom in realizing that you don’t have to take things personally.
You are lighter, free of the hooks and edges that cause you to feel put down or slighted. You feel open, generous, and compassionate – ways of being that are just not available to you if you are caught in taking things personally.
You live as the free-flow of life where nothing sticks. An event happens, someone says something to you or about you, and here you are – not attaching to any reaction, stable, fully allowing, not resisting anything.
But how to make this shift?
Welcome Your Reactions
The first key that unlocks the door to freedom from taking it personally is to bring your focus to your own reactions.
What someone else says is about them, and how you react is about you. So focus on something you can do something about, which is your own reactions.
If you feed the story, wallow in feeling bad, or run mental loops about what should and shouldn’t happen, you will stay stuck, guaranteed.
These reactions play out over and over, while you are asleep on automatic rather than being awake to what is happening within you.
If, instead, you step back and take the perspective of awareness, you notice something very simple: thoughts in your mind and feelings in your body. You might call it disappointment or rejection, but what is absolutely true in your direct experience is that some thoughts and feelings have appeared.
And these may be very familiar to you.
Why You Take Things Personally
For most of us, these painful feelings date back to childhood. When we are young, events happen that bring about emotional reactions in us. If you didn’t have the means to experience the feelings and let them go, they leave an impression in your body and mind, creating a sensitivity to reacting the same way again and again.
Decades later, here you are, experiencing rejection, disappointment, and shame – taking it personally. Then the spinoff stories start: I’m not deserving, I’m inadequate. These experiences congeal into an identity that keeps you frozen and limited.
You have developed a filter through which you view the world.
Question Who You Are
But what exactly is this identity? It seems so real, but when you shine the spotlight of your attention on your direct experience, all you notice are thoughts and feelings. That is all.
There is no “you,” no identity of one who has been rejected or disappointed. Only thoughts and feelings floating through awareness.
And if you don’t attach your attention to them, if you don’t engage and make them important and tell stories about them, they disappear, creating no disturbance whatsoever.
You no longer take them personally because there is no personal thing called you.
You realize you don’t have to make a big deal over something that isn’t real anyway.
Here is the possibility: to stay as the sky and let the dark clouds of difficult thoughts and feelings move through. They are nothing more than insubstantial wisps of energy that appear and disappear.
Persistence and Kindness
It takes time to erode these attachments that feel so real, so be very kind to yourself.
- When you notice that you are taking something personally, step off the habit wheel.
- Pause and take a breath. You’re halfway there already.
- Know that these thoughts and feelings are not important and don’t define you.
- Stay as the sky, clear, open, and undisturbed.
When you discover that it’s not personal, you walk through the doorway to the deepest peace beyond imagination.
Have you discovered that it’s not personal? Still stuck? I’d love to hear…
Gail,
The illustration of the sky resonates with me. I decided in 2013 to “Live yellow” which was my word picture for choosing positive thoughts. Your idea of letting the clouds blow by without attaching myself to them is perfect for me. I don’t have to pay attention to the clouds. Thank you and blessings to you.
Hi Connie,
Yes! You don’t have to pay attention to the clouds – any of them. What freedom!
Your such a great writer with compassion, u must have a large following. I always enjoy what you have to say.
Alot of the articles have a common theme to me about ‘feelings’ just being a thought that you let pass, give it no energy. The more I read it the more and more I get it and the more they dissolve – and there’s a lot to go!
Thanks Gail, your so inspirational because u care.
Welcome to you, Magoo. I’m very happy for you that you realize the possibility of letting thought-feelings move through, without giving them energy. By not engaging with them, they have no impact. Over and over, it doesn’t matter how many times you let them go – each is a moment of freedom.
Love to you…
Gail, don’t take anything personal is one of the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It took me years to master this agreement, but it is complete FREEDOM to be in control of my thoughts-words-actions. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Welcome to you, Andrea. Yes, not taking things personally is an invitation to recognize what thoughts and feelings appear and see that not clinging to them brings freedom. Many of these old stories have outlived their usefulness. When we let them go, we find they weren’t needed after all and that freedom is possible, here and now.
Gail, I dare say I pretty much lived this way for a number of years (tho I was later to find that some part of my unconcious mind may never have accepted it). It was an amazing, beautiful experience and brought out some of the best between others and me.
There was an enormous amount of connection lost tho. Not of the deepest kind one might want to say, but on the human emotional level massive. When one becomes perceived as living on this cloud (or being as the sky, as you write here), lotsa people don’t lock onto you as warmly anymore. Their animal self is not being stimulated and directed by you. As I ceased to make typical human demands on others, they gave much of the rest of their best to those who did demand — they could threw their shit into my house, because hey, “it wouldn’t stick”.
So I made the journey back towards this natural, animal nature. It is real in its context, even if more changing than the sky or a vacuum background. Each person is like a blur of many selves, each resonating with a different state of existence. Having all these in harmony would be a dream.
(A wonderful brain/psychology researcher and lecturer here agreed that the clear inner state would be “nirvana”. But then he said he liked going thourgh the tumults of his emotions now, as we “have plenty of experience of the empty state coming real soon!” He’s blessed to be a rare someone with brilliant analytical abilities and emotional warmth-to-connect.)
I am glad of your advice not to take things personally, because most people do not give a damn about anyone else at the deepest level! They “love” strongly in accordance with what stimulates their emotions, just as evolution+society made ’em for the clan to survive. Clearly, some part of me still needs to make peace with that reality(or non-reality, whichever you prefer to call it)
Tristan,
Not taking “things” personally, includes everything – the reactions and unconsciousness of others, and even our own beliefs and opinions. When you don’t take things personally, it doesn’t matter if others don’t give a damn. Even that experience is met with a heart overflowing with openness and compassion.
It sounds like you might have an underlying belief that people should be accepting, they should give a damn. These are thoughts that can cause trouble if you buy into them. “People should give a damn.” Yes, thoughts like this appear, but they cause no disturbance whatsoever if you give them no importance. Thought can be sneaky, so it takes a hugely open and flexible mind to discover the troubling ones hiding out in the shadows.
Freedom comes by a total disinterest in thought. Not some thoughts, but all thought. Not to make thoughts disappear, but to not engage with them and make their content real. The result? No “one” to take anything personally – just the free-flow of life. This is what is possible.
Love the photo!
It can be a challenge to not take things personally … but you are absolutely right; we shouldn’t!
And yes, just look at the sky, it is still blue no matter what passes below it!
It would be a great practice to develop a ‘sky mind’.
It can be a challenge, Kathy, because these feelings run deep. That is why patience and kindness are so important. Every moment of returning to “sky mind” erodes the conditioning that makes these feelings so powerful. I love the return to “sky mind.” It is peace, home, every time.
Thank you, Gail. Your beautifully-expressed (IMO) post helps me live “as the sky, clear, open, and undisturbed”. Very grateful to you for ALL your posts…they enrich my life. 🙂
Thank you, Susan. So beautiful to hear from you. Much love and a big hug to you…
Wow. Almost comically good timing! Thanks.
Audrey! It’s been so long – great to hear from you. Glad you’re smiling – even if you might be taking it personally!
Lots of love…
This article came to me today just as I had received a bit of criticism at work. At first, I reacted by taking it personally, but I read your article, and went through the steps of awareness and welcoming my reactions. Before, I would have dwelled on the criticism all day, but I’m trying to work through my emotions and figure out their source. It’s a challenge, but I’m not afraid to dig deeper anymore, and do the work that needs to be done to not take things personally. Thank you!
Good for you, Lyla. These habits run very strong in us, but there is the possibility of freedom from them. You saw that you had a choice: feed the story by dwelling on the criticism or investigate the nature of your suffering. I love that you aren’t afraid to do what is needed for peace and happiness.
Hi Gail, thank you for your wonderful post.
The thing I find difficult is in my intimate relationships. I have expectations that are not met (things that I do and feel that ‘anyone who loved someone’ would do). This creates stress, upset and resentment. I know that we all behave from our conditioning and yet I find myself in the same reactive pattern over and over again. This causes mistrust, discomfort, etc. It’s like I’m ‘conditionally’ being like the sky!
I have had periods of being completely open, aware, free and thought they’d never end. Suddenly, I wake up one morning and I’m back to ‘poor little me’ and my repetitive thought patterns. Grrrrrr….
John x
Hi John,
I appreciate the getting it – losing it that you describe. This is perfectly normal and subsides over time as awareness (sky) gets more established and conditioning loses its grip. So be kind to yourself during this process.
You see so clearly that having any expectations in a relationship causes trouble. They put our happiness in the hands of something we have no control over – other people’s behavior. Expectations are thoughts, and if you don’t take them as real (which they aren’t), you find yourself more accepting of things as they are.
Instead of focusing on these expectations and things that are lacking, try giving out generously what you would like to be getting from the other. Consider coming from a full and overflowing heart rather than a mind that thinks something is missing. You will be more aligned with the truth of how things actually are.
Gail, after 30 years in this matter, still stuck. Just a few minutes before I read your article, I hurt myself in the face for been inadequate. Want more?
Hi gail, thanks for the wonderful post. I have a habit of worrying over what I said to someone else, always thinking if I said something wrong. I avoid long conversations with people . I am not sure how I stop this habit which brings me lot of unhappiness.
Hi Maria,
It sounds like there is a tape running in your head that limits you in your relationships. So your job is to not let the tape affect you. You can pause it, stop it, turn away from it, imagine it is speaking in a language you don’t understand, anything to not give it power.
Clearly, it’s not serving you, and, as odd as it may sound, it’s not personal. it’s just a habit of words running around in your mind that do not even refer to who you really are.
Stand in the perspective of truth, which is that you are not these thoughts. You are limitless, overflowing, and there is place in you where worrying, self-critical thoughts can’t touch. Fear may arise, but from here, it comes and goes without affecting you.
Find the place of fullness and love, and experiment with acting from there.
Love to you….
I keep believing that it is true that something went wrong in conversation. What if whatever I am thinking comes out to be true? What is the best way to stop imagining the outcome?
Hi Maria,
A belief is a thought that is taken to be true, even though there may not be evidence for it. First, question the belief – is it actually true, is it a fact, or is it an opinion? If it’s not a fact, then recognize you are basing a problem on a premise that isn’t even true.
The more your mind is filled with the possibility of negative outcomes, the worse you will feel – and the more likely it is that what you imagine will come to pass. You can try to stop imagining negative outcomes, but this takes effort and is not sustainable over the long haul. Instead, focus on what is working, fill the moments of your life with positive, life-affirming thoughts and experiences. See that this is a fear-based habit and, with your well-intentioned heart, turn away from it because it doesn’t serve your happiness.
Rather than trying to not imagine a bad outcome, orient your whole life experience to what is already full, satisfying, and working well.
Sometimes I suggest to people who having challenging dreams to finish the story in a positive way in their minds when they wake up. What is happening to you is almost like a bad dream. You can try rewriting the story so it is more relaxing and less distressing. Feel the possibility of the outcome you want all the way into the cells of your body. Then, live from this confident, positive place in you.
I have been working on being at peace with myself and have taken a lot of steps towards it in the last year -quitting a toxic job, changing career paths and going back to school, ending relationships with people who aren’t good for me. Now I feel much stronger, since I’m living life how I want, for the first time in my life!
But I still have trouble being at peace with other people. Accepting their reactions, criticisms, feedback, imperfections. Its like as long as the world is just me, I can be happy, but the moment other negative people come in, I lose my ability to be at peace. And yet I know I should not.
I came across your article on MindBodyGreen, and that led me here, so I am commenting; though this article is old, I identify with it!
Hi Helene,
This article is from a while back, but it’s fresh for you, which is what matters!
Ah, other people. They are your teachers, especially the difficult ones. They show you where you are still stuck so you can untangle these patterns that snag you even further. The problem isn’t the other person. The suffering is in your reaction, your resistance to what is happening.
So whatever you feel—frustration, annoyance—let yourself feel it fully, without resisting. Feel the burning in your body and the urges that can come very strongly. Then step back to be the witness of these experiences, and let them come and go. Notice that when you tell yourself a story about the person or what is happening, the feelings are more intense. So let the story go also, and just be.
Once you are less caught in this reaction, you are connected with wisdom once again, and peace is restored.
Only take on the feedback that helps you. If someone criticizes you, first see if there is validity in it. Are they pointing to something within you that needs your kind attention? Then let the rest go. This way you are using their criticism well without getting caught by it.
This is a lovely journey you are on. Thanks for sharing it here! Love to you…
Thank you for your thoughtful words Gail. I especially liked the part about how our suffering is due to our own reactions, which means we have the power to end our pain. Also regarding feedback, I have heard how it says more about the person giving it and less about you. Thanks again for the encouraging message!
But how do you know when it IS personal & someone is attacking you & you need to stand up for yourself?
Hi Dee,
I appreciate your question and wanting to think through when you need to stand up for yourself. If you feel moved to say something, take a look at this impulse. Feel into the hurt and anger, if that is what you feel. Then come from a place of clarity if you decide to comment. Ask yourself regarding what you want to say: Is it true? Is it useful? Is it necessary? Know that you have many options available to you. And when you realize this, you’re coming from an empowered place within you.
It can be empowering to say something, and also to walk away. It’s all in where it comes from within you. Hope that’s helpful!