“Being present to what is is the prelude to its disappearance.”
~Claudette Vidal
If you look into the heart of fear, what do you find? Nothing.
Fear: it’s a word, a set of letters that we agree has a certain meaning. It’s a label for physical agitation in your body and a way of thinking that distorts things to look negative, pessimistic, and hopeless.
But what is it really? Nothing more than a belief, something we take to be true, an unquestioned emotion that dampens our enthusiasm.
Here’s what I wish you knew about fear: that it is absolutely possible to live in this world without being driven by it. How do I know? I’ve experienced a lot of fear, and I’ve seen through to the truth of it.
Not Driven by Fear
Notice I didn’t say we could live without fear. Fear may arise—it’s a normal experience in the human body, but it doesn’t have to be a problem. You get to the point where you’re not driven by it, you’re not interested in it, and it doesn’t touch your wisdom and clarity.
If you see it clearly for what it actually is, shining the laser light of conscious awareness directly on it, it falls apart and stops affecting you.
Whenever I think I might be afraid of something (which hardly happens anymore), I question what I’m experiencing, and the fear slips away, like sand through my fingers. I don’t attach any meaning to it, so it completely loses its power.
The Power of Fear
Fear creates all kinds of chaos when we buy into it. We’re afraid to be alone, afraid of not having enough money, afraid of getting too close to people, afraid of failing (or succeeding), afraid the truth about ourselves will be exposed, afraid of stepping outside of our comfort zone, afraid of death.
It’s at the root of procrastination, addiction, compulsive behavior, neediness, clinging, inadequacy, guilt, and envy. Not to mention prejudice, hate, wars, and violence of all kinds.
Fear divides, separates, and alienates. It conceals love, which is the essential fabric of everything. It makes us feel like we’re half-alive, hitting walls everywhere as we bumble through life. We miss out on the juice of actually living.
When we live in fear, we’re caught in tunnel vision. And we overlook the actual reality of who we are. Who you are is not this fearful, limited being cowering in the face of life, although you may be a master at playing that role.
When you see what fear is and it falls away, this becomes clear: you are luminous, already fulfilled, naturally loving, effortlessly grateful. This is you in this very moment!
Questioning Fear
I invite you to not take fear for granted. Don’t be resigned to a life ruled by fear—it’s optional, it’s a choice, and it doesn’t have to be your reality.
How to see through fear? Rather than run from it, question it. Take a moment when you are experiencing fear, and be willing to investigate it to see what is actually happening.
Don’t assume that what I’m offering here is true. Follow through on your own with these inquiry processes about thoughts and feelings. Then you will directly see through the fallacy of fear in your own experience. You will know it to be false.
Inquire: What thoughts are present?
Notice that the content of fearful thoughts is negative and limiting. They are pure imagination: imagining that an undesired outcome will happen in the future, imagining that you are perceiving a person or situation correctly, when you’re not. They close you down to the truth.
What is the truth? You don’t know what will happen. Whatever the thoughts say is one of an infinite number of possibilities. Isn’t it just as likely that something amazing could happen? Or something mildly pleasant, or neutral? Isn’t it possible that your view of the person or situation is just plain wrong?
The Medicine
Fearful thoughts expect the worst. Realize that this is fear-fueled, distorted mind and not true reality. To say it simply: don’t believe them. Instead, say, “I don’t know what will happen.” Or “What is really going on here?” Don’t listen to your mind. Be so incredibly open to every possibility.
When fearful thoughts arise, take a breath. Say, “Wait a minute.” Be still for a moment. Stop going headlong into this familiar way of being. Then shine the light of presence on your experience to see what is true. Abandon the false ideas of fear. They don’t accurately describe you, others, or the future.
Embrace what you actually know to be true—your present moment experience right now. You don’t have to be attached to what you think will happen in the future and run your whole life around it. It’s just not logical. Because you can’t know it anyway.
If you are awake to your life as it unfolds, you can trust that you will know exactly what you need to know. It is revealed in the moment. This is a fact.
Inquire: What feelings are present?
We call fear an emotion. What exactly is the experience of feeling afraid?
Move your attention away from it to observe. And when you do, you notice how much the experience of fear is physical. When you name your experience as fear, there are lots of sensations in the body—vibration, fluttery feelings, tightening, contraction, nausea. These sensations can be very uncomfortable and difficult to tolerate.
What else is present? Thoughts about fear—and all of them are distorted. Like we saw above, they are really like a horror show, making you think negatively, and incorrectly, about yourself, others, and the world.
If you lose interest in these thoughts, what remains? Physical sensations. They may be strong, but do they have any inherent meaning? No. Just the experience of sensations coming and going through you.
The Medicine
It’s so simple: welcome these sensations as they are. Don’t create stories about them or make them into something they’re not. They are only physical sensations.
When you realize they are present and you stop ignoring them, you are simply here with your experience. Where’s the problem now?
Good for you…you have untangled fear! You can see it for what it actually is: physical sensations and distorted thoughts. Now that all of this is conscious to you, can you see any reason to let fear rule?
The Takeaway
If fear has been your companion for a long time, you may by now define yourself by it. But it is not who you are.
Without the identity of fear, who are you? What do you do? How do you function?
By focusing on fear, you overlook so much. Once released from seeing through the limiting eyes of fear, everything is fresh and new. How your body feels, the choices you make, how you relate to others—the possibilities are infinite.
Without fear, the feeling of separation from yourself and the world falls away. You are open, available to what life offers, primed to say “Yes!” rather than that old familiar “no.” You are released from the bondage of fear. Blinders off, you are peaceful and calm. Anything is possible.
What About You?
So now you know what I wish you knew about fear. And I hand the baton to you. Will you apply this knowledge to your own experience? Are you struggling? Have you seen through to the truth of fear? Please feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear…
Note: Please check out my recent post on MindBodyGreen.com about healing the pain of the past and an interview about the power of presence on Manifested Happiness.
Dear Gail,
This post is so timely for me. I am in a transition period and have been experiencing fear coming up frequently. Its always, as you say, uncomfortable and accompanied by negative thoughts. I know its not who I am and yet still it is difficult not to resist it. In times of change this is my challenge, to remember that all emotions come up and pass away and not to cling to or resist. Thanks for reminding me of all this and for expressing it in a way that makes so much sense,
Best wishes, Emily
Such a heartfelt comment, Emily.
It might take some time to wear down the attachment to fear, so be very kind to yourself as that happens.
You might ask yourself, if I were not afraid, how would things be different? What would I feel like? What would I do? Then step into this freedom and live it.
Know that in any moment, you can rest as the witness of the emotions that come and go. And the witness is clear, undisturbed, at peace.
Great post and perfect timing….. thank u xx
Welcome, Lisa. I’m so glad you found this post helpful. Love to you…
I like all your posts, particularly this one about fear. Thanks! For many years, I regard fear as just an emotion that protects me and keeps me safe; but then it began to take control and limited my thinking. Ever since I was a kid, I am expected to do well, to be on top of my class, to be a winner, and in my my adult years, stakes become higher, so I put a lot of pressure on myself — graduate on top of my class, get the best job, follow dad’s success, etc. I never even noticed feeling tense physically, that I was wasting so much mental energy, worrying so much about outcomes of the future. I realize that I have a strong fear of failing! I fear disappointments, I fear losing! “If I don’t get that job, then I am a failure in their eyes and mine.” Do you notice the “if…then” scenario? And I can’t seem to fulfill a creative and awesome life. One day, I was reading Agatha Christie’s Moving Finger quotes and one caught my attention that says ” Where do one’s fear come from? Where do they shape themselves? Where do they hide before coming out in the open?” There it is —– I was indeed hiding from fear and not questioning and getting to know what is it. I needed to become aware and understand so I can bring it out into light; that what I’m fearing is the unknown. I started being curious about fear. What thoughts generate fears? I then learned to acknowledge and take ownership of my fears; I began to center my life into the “now”…realizing that everything is just how it is. Tap into the “now” and accept what is and that fears are just thoughts. And when fear attempts to creep back, I can always go to that place I considered the safest—- “the present.” Good day, Gail
Beautiful for you to share how you work your way through fear, Bles.
It’s so easy, really. You apply logic to your direct experience, and voila! Fear is no longer a problem.
Great article and very useful.read it twice as it hits home. Will reread and make it work for me.thank you very much.
Welcome Steven. I love that you say you will make it work for you. Understanding deepens and happiness takes over when we apply these inquiries to the moments of our lives. As you see, this is not just information to read, but suggestions to make real.
Thank you! I have been living a fearful life for several years. I have allowed fear-based messages to rule. I’m going to re-read this blog everyday until fear is, as you say, nothing more than a feeling and a thought that needs questioned.
Sounds great, Monica. When you get really tired of feeling fearful, then you are very motivated to look at things differently. And you are at that point.
Be fierce in your desire for peace and loving, and intelligent, with whatever arises.
Timely post for me as well. I have been successful in deconstructing fear in the past, having found my way through pretty severe agoraphobia using methods just like this. There is one place where this is hard for me though, and that’s in the case where the physical sensations that are causing the fear actually have another source. For me personally, it’s currently about PVCs that make my heart beat irregularly in ways that I can feel and that are highly anxiety-producing. The thing is, even if all the fear could be removed, the physical sensation is still there and still causes fear because it actually might be a real problem. Perhaps though that isn’t what this post is really about. In cases where the fear is causing the physical sensation, as it did with nausea every time I had anxiety, this is an answer, and a very good one. But fear as a result of a real issue, like an illness that makes a person feel some way. That’s possibly a different thing, and maybe more difficult to parse out. In any case, this is highly useful information that I wish I had years ago. Thank you for sharing so others might have it.
Thanks so much for your comment and sharing, Martin.
I appreciate your question, and I’m sure it is relevant to others besides you. Certainly, if you experience a physical sensation that might need medical attention, then give it the attention it needs.
I’m wondering: have you gotten this problem checked out by a cardiologist? Are you on medication? The point I’m getting at is this: each time you experience it, do you need to be on alert to make sure everything is OK—or can you be assured that everything is OK even if you have the symptom? Do you need to make this sensation about anxiety, or is the anxiety (although understandable) extra?
Let your intelligence guide you to take care of the body and get appropriate treatment. Parse out what is a real medical issue and what is anxiety. Then use the tools for anxiety. The invitation is for You to be at peace, even though your body may be have sensations you might call anxiety. You are not your body. There is a symptom arising in the space of you, awareness, that is never in conflict, never at odds with anything, always peaceful. Discover this in your experience, and let the irregular heartbeat do what it does, without attaching to any outcomes about it.
This is a beautiful area for inquiry. Peace is always possible, it’s a matter of finding your way there.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, it’s been checked out, and I’ve been told not to worry. It’s a tough psychological barrier to break, however when one’s heart starts to beat differently than it has one’s whole life. This tactic, however, might help out. I will try. Thanks. 🙂
So, Martin, you (meaning the wise you who knows the truth) can tell your mind that the sensations you feel are not actually fear. From the perspective of clarity, these thoughts, although compelling, aren’t true.
Just to jump in on this post…health anxiety is a major issue(fear for myself). It seems that it can’t be remedied in the ways you mention because even when people respond to your question about health anxiety, they throw in a “of course if you have a problem you should go see a doctor” which just adds fuel to the fear. The problem is…it’s seemingly impossible to distinguish the difference between fear based symptoms and real symptoms. I’m in my 40’s now and every symptom that comes up fear makes “this is the one”, so based on the past I should be able to see them for what they are, however, what’s to say the next one is something that needs treatment. It’s a terrifying fear based problem that seems to have no answer.
Thanks for jumping in, Sue! I’m going to be very direct here. What is being asked for here is a direct meeting of the fear of death and/or dying. Because that’s what comes up every time you perceive a symptom. Yes, take good care of the body and use medical care appropriately. But this anxiety about symptoms refers to a fear of the end of the body, the end of life.
This is actually very good news. Because it invites you to ask the most essential questions: who are you? Who or what dies? Can life end? This is a beautiful exploration that can take you to abiding happiness and peace. The answer is that you are not any limited idea of yourself – not a body, your thoughts, or anything else you take to be true. You are being itself, the essence of everything, including everything, infinite potential, boundless love, not limited to a personal self. Your body may die, but who you are does not die. But don’t take this on as a belief system. The way out of your struggles is to investigate these questions in your own experience to see what you discover.
When you are no longer worried about dying, you can live fully now. That is my prayer for you…
Hello Gail,
I’ve learned so much over the years through so many wonderfully insightful people and it has made a dramatic difference in my life. I believe last year may have been one of the most peaceful years I’ve experienced in my 36 years of life, at least for the time I can remember. But I’ve been feeling heavy and burdened this year and most of it stems around being a mom and providing my daughter with the best opportunities possible. This article had an impact on me because up until this moment, I thought my mental anguish in regards to my daughter’s future and well-being had everything to do with me just wanting the best for her, the best opportunity to succeed. And although, I think that may be kind of true, the side that has become exposed is the “fear” of what will happen if she doesn’t attend the best school, if she doesn’t get the best start in elementary school, if she doesn’t get the right attention and exposure. So at the end of the day, I’m working so hard to make sure she is not at a disadvantage in the future and it’s wearing me down and I’m not sure how to let it go. I don’t want to look back and feel like I could have done more.
Crystal
Hi Crystal,
I’m very happy for this insight, and I appreciate the pressure it is giving you. As with any fear, you can’t know what will happen. People quit high school and become wildly successful, and others are in school for years without accomplishing much in the world.
I know it’s hard, but the best thing you can do for your daughter is to set her free. Honor that she has her own life stream and that you cannot control what will happen to her. Give her the best, recognize and support her unique gifts, then let go. You can be an intelligent and responsible parent, but your actions are driven by love and freedom, not by fear. Her success is not personal to you.
See your daughter for the beautiful being she is. She doesn’t belong to you. She is already free. The pressure you feel, I’m sure, is apparent to her, which makes her tend to limit herself in some way. Celebrate your love by letting her be.
Hello. This article so reasonates with me. I’ve always been the nervous, anxious type and the hardships I’ve faced means that fear is the governing emotion of my life. It’s like fear was always under the surface but several traumatic events and suffering has made it permanent in my life. I’d do anything to overcome fear. In my culture if one is fearful one is mocked at, laughed at, told off for being a coward. So easy to judge right?!. I feel like I’m merely existing not living. How do I conquer this fear. I also suffer from terrible anxiety, depression and phobias. I know all my fear is due to ill health ( physical, chronic ailments ) that has robbed my confidence. Is there any hope and scope for me to overcome this relentless demon? Thank you Madam Gail.
Hi Dia,
How do you conquer this fear? One moment at a time. In each moment, when the fear arises, take a breath, and know that this is your opportunity. Don’t believe the distorted story it tells you, and don’t define yourself by it. Welcome it in a friendly way, but don’t let it rule.
At the same time, develop an inner, supportive coach to help you through. She is very reliable—guiding you in ways that are clear and affirming. She can tell you that you’re OK, that things are fine, that you can do whatever you think you can’t do. She questions your needs and knows that you are infinitely capable.
If you are experiencing the effects of trauma and are having trouble moving through it, meeting with a counselor for some time could help as well. Sometimes the story is too strong, it grabs you too intensely, for you to see through it. Some guidance to get through that part might be helpful.
Do everything in your power to take the moments of suffering and find your way to peace. Pay attention to what you pay attention to. Shift your focus away from challenging thoughts and feelings so you can recognize the grace and wonder that are present always, when we are open to them.
In love and support…
Thank you Madam Gail for responding so quickly and for some wonderful advice and support. Without getting into personal details here’s my situation : always had anxiety and fears but they were manageable . A 20 year period of intense pain , suffering has knocked me down . Incredible hardships, loss of personal health , dreams , damage to my health and happiness I bore it all. Now the anxiety , depression and phobias are at an all time high . Why : because I lost the greatest love of my life very recently. With a battered body and mind I still soldiered on but this bereavement is the last straw. Currently I feel hopeless and utterly lost. I ‘ve a laundry list of ailments, plus anxiety, fear, depression , phobias and also this soul shattering grief and pain of my loss. I would not wish all this upon anybody. Counselling has been a not so positive experience. Everywhere I look people seem happy, celebrating life and here I am struggling to even survive. I sincerely thank you for the good work that you do. One last question : If it were you in my place how would go about fixing your broken life, body, mind and dreams? God bless you Madam.
” If it were you in my place how would go about fixing your broken life, body, mind and dreams?”
One moment at a time, Dia. I wouldn’t spend a lot of time drowning in the thoughts about everything that is wrong. Instead, I would transfer my attention to everything I’m grateful for. I would find my inner strength, be resilient, and do my absolute best to find the good in each moment. I would be around uplifting people—if not near me then online.
There is more support than you could every imagine for peace…and you’re getting it right now by reading these words…
Thank you for responding Madam. I appreciate your advice. You want me to just live moment to moment , is that what you’re saying? I do try to count my blessings . Having said that all of life’s trials , tribulations, losses and suffering have done a number on me. Its hard to find a silver lining. 20 years of unhappiness. How do you even heal from that? I feel bruised and battered . May I ask what you would do if you had multiple chronic ailments and anxiety, depression and phobias. What would you fix first? Where would you begin? Pardon me for asking you these questions but I sincerely appreciate your wisdom, perspective and generosity in helping others. Thank you Ma’am.
This is unhelpful. If my feeling in this moment is “scared,” then it is logical to deduce that I would be scared of something. Scared of what? Scared of the possibility a thing will happen. I’m not certain of this, and I’m not committed to the frightening outcome. The problem is, especially if this feeling seems triggered by data resourced from subjective past experience, what other options could possibly exist aside from what life has already told me to be true? I get the point – if I close off to the possibility of a different outcome, I narrow the options down to that same outcome of of quitting before life has the opportunity to teach me otherwise.the additional point, which speaks to the value in being afraid, aside, the generic idea of cloaking ones self in freedom of fear is a type of magical thinking that might work in minor situations but is unlikely to offer aid in more difficult situations.
Hi Lisa,
Thanks so much for your comment. If it helps to know what you’re afraid of, not just that you’re afraid, then great. But the point is, as you said, to realize that every moment is fresh and you close off options when you’re veiled by past experience. Fear closes options, and when we can not be driven by fear, life is available with other potentially amazing options that fear never would have come up with.
I do want to clarify re your comment about “cloaking oneself in freedom of fear.” Being free of the power of fear is not about bypassing it or pretending it’s not present so it magically disappears. It is much grittier and real than that. Seeing through fear so it loses its power takes recognizing its presence, seeing the stories it tells and realizing they’re at least limiting if not false, and feeling the sensations in the body. Then if fear has some helpful guidance, that has room to be seen. Being caught in the throes of fear keeps us stuck, but seeing it and experiencing it with the eyes of wisdom lets us not be held back by fear.
And there is a functional aspect to fear as well that is about survival. Say you almost have a car accident and you start shaking with fear. This is a normal human reaction. I’m always oriented to what brings ease and clarity. If fear helps, great. But I have found that even in challenging situations, it helps to recognize fear and not have it be in charge if possible.
I have lived my whole life based on fear, it seems. I was afraid a lot during my childhood, and now I am 57 and still afraid of a lot of things. It is threatening to paralyze me.
It sounds like fear is very conditioned in you, Lisa, and it can be paralyzing. May your journey help you find some relief from it.
Thank you for the reply. Yes. I sure am hoping to still get some relief in this lifetime.
im currently 28 yr male ….thank you for you words of wisdom in response to fear ….my motto is ‘why live in fear when you are already here (this world)’ all religion is driven by fear but its good i suppose sometimes it better to have a fearfull approach rather than fearless with wisdom, just by applying some ‘balance ” balance is key ….would you agree??
Hi Denver,
Fear can sometimes be a signal to pay attention to something in our lives. Then we can respond with wisdom. If fear is present, check out what’s going on and see if a response is required. If not, then letting go of that fear mindset is the wise thing to do. Yes, balance…