“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
~C.G. Jung
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”
~Brené Brown
Shame. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling. So uncomfortable that you may not even want to read this post. You think that if you leave it hidden in the shadows, outside of conscious awareness, maybe, just maybe, you can pretend it’s not there.
But it is. And for some of us, it’s dug in deep.
If shame stays where it is, unseen and unexplored, it will continue to affect you. How? It’s behind the self-critical voice in your head, many unsatisfying dynamics in relationships, feelings of lack and unworthiness, and choices that keep you from fully living.
Shame is so personal! It’s a painful feeling of humiliation—that you’ve done something wrong or that there’s something disgraceful or embarrassing about you. It’s the secret emotion that can sit in you like a poison.
And the last thing you want to do is bring it out in the open. You think that all that will do is highlight your worst fears about yourself.
But here’s the possibility for you—the light that can begin to untangle shame:
If you explore it skillfully, if you navigate shame with wisdom and heart, you find tenderness, compassion, courageous vulnerability, and the relief that comes from no longer hiding from yourself—or keeping yourself hidden from others and the world.
You move from feeling oh, so separate and alienated to being more at ease with yourself and your own experience. The boundaries that disconnect you from everyone and everything begin to fall away. Almost like being born anew, you are open, light, and available to life.
You can make the choice to let your pain rule you by keeping it in the shadows. Or you can befriend, explore, and welcome it into the light of conscious awareness. How? Here are 10 potentially life-changing ways to move through shame.
Getting to Know Shame
1. Be a courageous explorer
If you’re just beginning to explore shame, you’re going into foreign territory. Just like the ancient adventurers who took to the sea not knowing what they would find, be courageous, curious, and open.
And when it comes to pain, discover the most compassionate place within you to receive it.
Practice: Set the stage for your exploration of shame. Bring your attention inside, and touch into the qualities of curiosity, wonder, openness, and compassion that are natural to who you are. Find them, then stay with feeling them for a while.
2. Find the gap
You might be very used to feeling shame, but you may not know it well. In fact, you may have been trying to avoid it at all costs because it’s so painful.
But here we take a different approach by befriending your experience. What is shame exactly? How does it feel? How does it appear in your thoughts about the past and yourself?
Answering these questions requires you to step back from being completely consumed by shame so you can gain some psychological distance. It’s the gap that begins to set you free. Imagine you’re studying an object you’ve never seen before to figure out what it does. Just like that, create a bit of space between you and your experience of feeling shame.
Now you’re relating to shame in a new way. You can study it, inquire about it, and see what it is—this feeling that’s had such an impact on you.
Practice: Find a small gap between you and shame. See that you can observe your experience and be curious about what you discover.
3. What’s the story?
Shame doesn’t appear from nowhere. It’s a form of conditioning that inhabits your mind, heart, body, and spirit. Maybe you were somehow made to feel ashamed of yourself when you were young – ashamed of who you are, your level of intelligence, your body.
There might be a story of shame that you’ve carried for a long time, but it’s actually a role you’ve taken on that is optional. Start to tell yourself that this shame story doesn’t have to define you.
Remember that who you are is not this story. Your essence is whole, not separate from anything, and boundlessly free.
Practice: Stand up and feel yourself in that familiar story of shame. Yes, right now! Just try it. Now, take a big step to one side and leave the story behind. Feel yourself minus the story. This is the possibility for you.
4. How does shame live in your body?
Every emotion has a physical component to it. Getting to know shame includes knowing how it lives in your body.
It may take some time to discover the physical experience of shame because it’s become so commonplace to you. Get quiet and bring your attention to your body. Then notice any physical sensations and places of numbness. You don’t need to do anything about them.
This is an exercise in simply meeting in open awareness what has been there anyway. It’s about making friends with the physical part of shame.
When you realize you don’t need to live the story of shame and you become aware of the sensations, the heaviness of this identity begins to dissolve. It’s the road to freedom.
Practice: As much as possible, a hundred times a day if necessary, bring your attention into your body and just be with whatever is happening. There’s no need to do anything; just simply be.
Going Deeper
5. How you speak to yourself
Our inner self-talk can be so painfully harsh. And if you look at the root of what drives it, you’ll find shame, that feeling that there’s something terribly wrong—or worse—about you. Once you begin meeting the shame directly—by not being so captured by the story and feeling the physical sensations—this way of speaking to yourself starts to not even make sense anymore.
Let’s tell the truth. Are you actually that incompetent, inadequate so-and-so you think you are? If you look at these inner statements with the objective eyes of a scientist, you’ll be able to punch holes in them immediately.
By now, this negative self-talk is a habit that needs your attention, and the more intelligent focus you give it, the more it will unravel. Commit to recognizing this voice and letting its reign over you diminish.
Practice: Start by assuming that this damaging inner voice isn’t accurate and doesn’t serve. This is the truth. At least once every day, turn your attention away from these self-critical thoughts and let them float on by like clouds. Be the sky—vast, empty, and serene. Start to live here as much as possible and the critical thoughts begin to lose their power.
6. Know how and why you isolate
Living with shame is lonely and isolating. It makes you believe that no one would want to get close to you, which justifies your pushing them away. How do you do that? By being critical and judgmental of others.
Recognizing the urge to isolate is essential to moving through shame. Because it is a sign that your shame identity has taken charge. When you find yourself judging others and feeling separate, this is your golden moment to begin asking questions about your experience. What story do you believe? How do you feel in your body?
Not judging shame and welcoming it instead is the beginning of forming a new, healthy relationship—with yourself. Then you don’t need to be critical of others or push them away. You’re more available, authentic, and courageously vulnerable. And others will love you for it.
Practice: Recognize when you judge others and realize this is about you: it makes you feel separate. Is shame at the root of this need to separate? Inquire into what you’re thinking and feeling. Realize the possibility of a true connection with others.
7. Is there fear there?
Shame and fear often go hand in hand. You’re afraid of being seen for who you are. And at the same time, you fear being alone. You’re afraid you’re damaged goods, doomed to a life of misery.
As you get to know shame, become aware of various fears that may be lurking. Bring fear, too, out of the shadows and meet it lovingly.
Practice: Check to see if fear is present. Let down your resistance and allow it in, especially how it appears in your body. Like a long-lost child returning home, embrace the fear. Let it be there for as long as it wants to.
Moving Forward
8. Find the strength in being vulnerable
Vulnerability gets a bad rap these days. But what it actually offers you is the relief from having to hide from yourself, the simplicity of just being as you are without having to change anything.
Whatever you feel is your present moment experience. Resisting it creates endless suffering, and welcoming it in is the path to inner peace. This is the medicine for the secret of shame.
Be as you are. Not in the story of who you think you are that is denigrating and destructive—you’ve lived there long enough. Instead, shift your attention away from these thoughts, and allow your current experience as it is. These sensations…this breath…touching…hearing…looking…speaking…
It’s so relaxing because you don’t have to hide or grasp. You can just be.
Practice: Begin to get comfortable being with whatever you are experiencing in any given moment. Start with just a few moments until you see that it’s OK, that whatever you’re afraid will happen, won’t. Then, more and more, let yourself be.
9. Sacred honesty—with yourself
When you live in shame, you are constantly lying to yourself. You draw yourself into a trance that makes you believe you are inadequate, unworthy, and just plain wrong. The truth? It’s just plain inaccurate.
Healing from shame invites radical honesty. Are you up for it?
Whenever you are feeling separate and lacking, question your experience. Find the gap (#2 above), and recognize the thoughts and feelings in your body that have taken hold.
Then realize that who you are is so much more than this identity. To be perfectly honest, you are whole, unbroken, and infinitely at peace. Keep returning here. Become more and more transparent so the light of truth shines through.
Practice: Investigate your direct experience with a discerning eye to see what is true and what is false. Live in the truth of yourself as whole, full, pure, and capable.
10. Wide open heart
Shame is all about limitation, holding back, and keeping yourself separate and isolated. And where is your heart? Wounded, stuck, and closed.
Begin to live with a heart wide open. Move your attention outside of your head to notice the beauty and tenderness around you. It’s been there all along, you just haven’t noticed. Let yourself be touched by the simple experiences of daily life.
Shame is a filter that keeps you from life, and dissolving the filter leaves you available and receptive. Without even trying, you begin to notice love and appreciation. Where before you held back, now you engage.
Recovering from shame opens you to being fully alive!
Practice: Find within you the courage to begin to open your heart. Instead of being absorbed in shame, experience things—and people—with fresh eyes. When you notice that you are closed, open…open…open…
What About You?
Are you caught in shame? Believe me, you are not alone. Have you discovered how to move through it? I’d love to hear…and if you’re reading by email, please click here to comment.
Wonderful article, Gail. Shame is a subject that needs more attention, and the kind of gentle approach centered on self-kindness, tenderness and compassion like these tips is very much needed today.
Due to the inherent nature of shame, we tend to avoid going near it enough to look at it, examine it, heal it. The very nature of shame perpetuates and breeds shame.
Thank you for your part in awakening us all to our inner light and beauty.
Great to hear from you, Amyra! Yes, the intention of this article is to begin to bring shame out of the shadows. Because, as you know well, left unexplored, it continues to eat away at our happiness. You allude to the paradoxical nature of exploring shame. When we lean into it, even though it may be difficult, we find the path to being at ease with it. And ease with all things is the blessed life of peace.
The shame I feel is crippling.
I am trying to connect with it. To try to understand it. It comes in waves .
I’m so glad you’re open to exploring this shame, Ruth. Whatever the source of it, it is not all of you. See if you can find even a seed of ease, happiness, confidence, or aliveness in you. Once you find that, make space for it – because it is your birthright to feel at ease inside. Begin to step outside the shame to notice what is okay, what is working, and begin to notice that peace is possible.
In love and support….
What if the shame is because of deep remorse for terrible things you did and are contrite for but it keeps eating at you. I am not talking about low self-esteem or slight embarrassments or humiliation.
Hi Jenny,
In the end, the process is the same. The road to freedom is to have great self-compassion, understand as best you can why things happened the way they did, then make the choice to move on and live – without the past dragging you down. The path also includes apologizing and making amends as best you can.
All kinds of things happen in life, and one of our jobs is to learn the lessons from them. Taking what you’ve learned from whatever happened, let that open your heart to human suffering – yours and others – and let it inform how you move forward.
The phase of understanding helps you to have self-compassion. When we really know the roots that lead us to behave in ways that hurt others, we understand that comes from our own suffering and we can open our hearts to it.
You are on a rich journey that I understand is painful – and it offers many gifts for your growth and awakening.
I have struggled with eating disorder for many years and while in treatment we watched a video on shame and it spoke to me so deeply. I never knew that this extreme pain inside was my shame and how attached to me it was or rather is. Shame for me fuels my eating disorder, depression, etc. It hurts so much and for reasons I cannot explain my shame is so needed.
Your shame may be needed, Sol, but give it an expiration date. It doesn’t serve and won’t help with the eating disorder. Consider that you, too, can be happy and say goodbye to shame.
Thank you for your response. Thinking of the ways shame serves me, very negative and I’m too scared of giving an expiration date.
Thanks much for your wisdom & unraveling and diminishing the power of my shame has been, and continues to be invigorating and life changing.
Bob Ped
Years ago, I attended a crisis counselor training and one of the units was specifically on Shame. I still remember this instruction: Shame plus any emotions heightens that emotion. For example, Shame plus fear equals terror; Shame plus embarrassment equals humiliation; Shame plus anger equals rage and so on.
One of my current focuses has been on Loving-kindness. There is a wonderful phrase that has really stuck with me and I think it powerfully relates to (and perhaps tackles) the notion of Shame. It is teaching a thing to “relearn its loveliness”. How could Shame ever live in a person who is relearning her/his loveliness?
When I am in critical mind or caught up or hooked by obsessive thought or rambling mind, I often stop and simply recall my mantra: Maitri (Loving-kindness). It is often enough to get me back on track.
I really loved this article on Shame. It is such a poison for so many people. I will definitely read this over and over again.
(Finally, to end this long post), in my family of origin, bless them all, the mindless reprimand to further punish children was always “You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” I’m sure this was a catch-phrase in its day and was meant to be relatively harmless, but never the less very it probably proved itself to be most harmful indeed.
I feel peace emanating from your words, Clare, and this is the peace of someone who courageously meets the hard places squarely. Because, as you know well, this is how the healing comes.
I’m sure you’re not the only one who heard, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” But it’s beautiful to know that this doesn’t have to be the story we live.
Thank you for the reminder to “relearn our loveliness.” It’s right there, waiting for the light of our loving attention.
Excellent article and teachings. Shame and guilt are silent killers of the soul and limit a persons joy and potential to thrive. Suggesting on purpose to create a gap and to explore the cause of the shame and effects is excellent. Fearless way to see the problem. To me shame and guilts most are lies we can be our harshest critics. We all make mistakes as we learn to love and live together. To me we have the hardest time forgiving ourselves and letting go. I will say Jesus’s teachings or calling on God is what freed my soul and light if God poured through my heart healing me fully from fear and all it’s emotions after god explored the shames and guilts. From the pain of shame and guilt to gods love is like going from hell to heaven on earth no greater contrast. True freedom is knowing gods love for you is powerful. ❤
So happy for your freedom, Cindy!
Clare You quote: “Shame plus any emotions heightens that emotion. For example, Shame plus fear equals terror; Shame plus embarrassment equals humiliation; Shame plus anger equals rage and so on” Wow that is just so, so true. Please can you add what shame + equals for other emotions?
Thanks
I think shame is the most difficult feeling we deal with as children. In a way it’s our first experience of separation. I was actually thinking about shame last night. There is a spot near my sternum that is really painful to touch. It is not as much physically painful as it is deeply uncomfortable emotionally. Holding my hand there brings up a deep sense of anxiety, fear, and dread, and I’m not sure I directly felt shame being held there, but intuitively this was the conclusion I came to. Hopefully, over time I can get more in touch with that feeling to bring it to light. Thanks for the timely post 🙂
You are so welcome, Serena. Yes, it’s true that identifying with shame makes us feel separate. Shame ultimately lives in the body where it needs to be noticed. Simply by bringing our attention right to it, it can be liberated. Then the feelings are free to come and go, but they don’t define who we are. I love that this freedom is possible!
On many occassions in the past and even now I am full of shame which is followed by fear of being exposed! I realized (Only partly) that I sholdn’t experience it, I don’t have to supress the feeling, I don’t have to run away from it. I don’t have to stay with it. I just have to understand it! I am the shame and at the present moment I don’t do anything about it as I don’t know what to do with it! Allow the change to happen. I don’t change it but it changes by itself.
This is great, Amit! In the face of shame, you stop and do absolutely nothing. And that gives it the freedom to change itself.
When we focus on shame, or any uncomfortable experience, with the need to make it change, we are in resistance to what is. But doing nothing? This is acceptance, true healing, the essential Yes! to the moment that is deeply at peace with things as they are. Then there is no need for things to be different. If they change, fine. If not, no problem. It’s being, not doing, that is effortless…
I think that, there is also need of the person whom you can share your feeling of guilt. Because to speak about guilt only makes you more guilty. otherwise you were talking about to being with self as well as feel it which makes you to be aware with your feelings. My concern is only need of the person with whom you can share your things without hesitation.
Yes, Sumita. Its all about healing the guilt and shame – not just talking about it so you spin in it. Talking to a friend can help, if it’s the right person. Sometimes we long for “the talk” with the person who hurt us or who we hurt. But often that isn’t the best way to go about it. But if you can find an uninvolved friend who cares and is willing to listen, this starts to get these hidden feelings out in the open in a healthy way.
Beautiful post, Gail, about shame. I know shame plays such a big part in families where drug and alcohol abuse is an issue. Parents, especially can easily isolate and not reach out for help for themselves or their child, because of the fear of being judged by others and the inner shame that they feel.
Working through shame is so important, so that people receive the help they need. I like your three steps of Getting to Know Shame, Going Deeper and Moving Forward. Thank you for your insights. I know many will benefit.
I appreciate your comment, Cathy, because the more we talk about shame, the more it comes out of the shadows. It’s such a double edged-sword, as people feel shame about befriending their shame.
What I’ve found as I become more intimate with my own experience of shame is a sweet tenderness and compassion. Maybe that’s the opportunity in meeting what’s painful.
Thank you for this post Gail! In reading it I found relief that someone is able to describe and name the conditioning that has kept me stuck, with practical suggestions for exploring and waking up from the shame trance. I love the picture of what it might look like to be free: “be the sky – vast, empty, serene”. bless you
Yes, shame is a trance, Marilee! So well said. It’s not true, and doesn’t accurately describe us. Waking up from the trance leaves us open – with minds like a cloudless sky…
Thank you for this Post. I need to hear this. I’m just realizing how much guilt and shame I have felt in my life for things I had no control over as a child. I grew up in a very abusive, dysfunctional home. I absorbed the guilt and shame for things I never thought were imaginable and had held on to them and let them almost destroy my life. I had no clue that I was hurting not only myself but the ones I loved by not facing things. Which only lead to more guilt and shame. We need more insight and help others to realize what is in your article so they too can restore themselves and break the cycle.
What if you were the perpetrator and you were the cheating spouse?
Hi Joel,
If I were in this situation, here’s what I would do. Take full responsibility for what I did without blaming anyone else, apologize and acknowledge the impact on my spouse, look within with curiosity to see what was motivating my behavior, be authentic and honest about what happened, make space to listen to whatever my spouse needs to say to me without getting defensive, and being aware enough of my own behavior so this wouldn’t happen again. And I would seek professional help if I needed some guidance through this. When I felt I was doing all I could, I would begin the process of forgiving myself so that I could begin to move forward. This is how to begin to turn shame into the potential for growth and intimacy.
It can also be useful to note that the shamers are themselves some of the most deeply ashamed people. We could also become aware of how we ourselves shame others, especially those who shame us… And sometimes we do this a way of controlling them, of trying to stop their behaviour of shaming…. As a way of avoiding feeling the shame. The alternative is not to defend against being shamed but to welcome it- to see what is happening as a gift. They are making us aware of shame, when we are aware of it and feel it, then it heals…. Soon we begin to see it as apart from us, the identification ceases. We are no longer experiencing ourself as being ashamed but rather we are the utterly lovely one, experiencing a phenomena called shame…. And it’s a beautiful thing when that happens, it’s our magnificent coming home to the all abiding and unconditional love. .
So beautiful, Sharon. Yes, good point about shamers also suffering with shame and how we might defend by shaming them. Then you talk about stopping this cycle by welcoming shame, which is the first step to releasing the identification with it and finding our way home. Love to you…
I’m sorry, I forgot to thank you for this wonderful article and for the opportunity to be part of the conversation.
Happy you found your way here, Sharon!
Fantastic article, thank you Gail for helping people in a very healthy way see for themselves what is not true about them.
I suffered from shame for so long and my way out was to speak my truth, not easy, but to not keep hidden. Then you realize some of us like you better when you are hidden. And would try help you remain ashamed.
Yes, Leila, our truth is not always going to be received well by everyone. The only one to be true to is yourself – walk your best path and the rest of it isn’t your concern. So glad you took the risk for your wholeness!
Hi I just came across you’re article. I have 3kids by 3dads and I’m now pregnant by someone else. I’m so scared about my parents reactions. They are going to be so ashamed of me but I font think I could go through another abortion. Please can you hive me any advice in how to deal with the shame x
Use this feeling of shame as a motivator to begin to make clear and conscious choices in your life. Your primary problem is not shame – it is how to give a solid and loving home to these 3 or 4 children. Stop having sex and making babies – and focus on these innocent kids who need love and stability.
hi hun remember the shame you carry is not yours it belongs to the men who tricked and lied there way into your heart. Forgive your self for believing them. Accept that they did this to you. And that you were ignoring the signs. Only then you’ll be able to move past this where you can possibly avoid another one of theses guys they look for people like you to pray upon. Know that I’ve seen many people in your shoes who God allows their kids to be the role model for other kids. God is gracious there’s strength in your pain and suffering so maybe your kids will know how to not live through this pain and guilt.
A very heartfelt thank you to you…
My husband is in this state of mind now and seems to be getting worse…one minute ok and snap…he’s back down more than the last time and repeat.How can I help him? I feel helpless…what can/should I do?
Be a loving presence for him, Jennifer. You can’t fix this for him. But you can express your concern for his happiness, be an open vessel for anything he wants to communicate, and communicate your love for him in words and gestures. Realize what you can and can’t control.
Thank you. He is questioning my facial expressions…saying they have completely changed…later says that it’s just him bc he realizes I have the same expressions as I always have and then today i was home for lunch. Said I was kind of tired all the sudden…but all he saw was a look, not the words to go with the look and asked what’s that look for? He had been in bed all day, house dark, super quiet etc. loosing weight and no appetite. Yesterday, I asked what I could do if anything and he said just give him some time. Very very difficult
So he’s projecting his difficulties onto you sometimes. Good to know that it’s not you. He sounds very depressed – maybe talk to his physician or a local counselor? If there is any chance he is suicidal, please reach out in your community for help. You can always go to your nearest ER or call the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
Sometimes we just need to bear witness to others’ pain. You might not be able to do anything about it, but you can show up with openness, love, and the potential for him to find his way out of this pain. And in my book, this isn’t “doing nothing.” It’s bringing an accepting space to the one who can’t accept himself at the moment.
Make sure you get support for you during this time, and you’re doing that by posting here. You’re not alone in this.
Very important article
Hi Gail,
I wanted to know what do you think is the best way to get out of a shame cycle. I am seeing a therapist for issues regarding infidelity and we have come to the conclusion that letting my spouse know would not be a great idea. I am having trouble with the idea keeping a secret, but I don’t want to destroy my relationship with my issues and I keep falling into a shame trap. Any suggestions?
Hi Brian,
I appreciate your situation and honor your choice to not let your spouse know. So the healing comes from within.
What to do with the shame you feel? Transform it into commitment. Take all the energy of shaming and use it to transform your relationship. Treat your spouse with great love, respect, and caring. Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Be honest and authentic with yourself and your spouse about what isn’t working in your relationship and take the steps to improve things. Reflect within about your contribution to the problems and see what needs to shift. Use this as an opportunity for your own growth – what can it teach you about yourself, your desires, the way you want to be in the world?
This is how a situation like this can serve. Make it serve your happiness, growth, and love moving forward.
Wow…I cried through reading this. Taking deep breaths now. I was raised in a lot of abuse, physical, sexual, emotional…I was shamed by abusers. It hit me lately that I’m STILL carrying this and it’s in my way. I have worked through PTS, but this little piece, and when I say little, I’m full of it it’s HUGE, not only is it hindering me, it makes me a target for the abusive types. I see that now. Thank you for this article.
I’m really happy for your insights around shame, PS. Sometimes it can help to name it.
Keep taking deep breaths, and get to know this tendency to choose abusive types. Go very slowly so you can be aware of the pull of the tendency and make a different choice. You can stop recreating your abusive background! You deserve so much better!
In love and support…
Thankfully I did get past choosing abusive types. However, I wonder if I project something as I find abusive types make a bee line for me. I recognize them and keep my distance when I can. In some situations, I can’t quite avoid, such as in an employment situation. In those situations, the shame will start bubbling up and that person seems to take advantage. I think addressing his shame may prevent this…I hope.
Yes, addressing the shame and being very aware in the moment of what is happening so you can, as best as possible, set appropriate boundaries. It sounds like you’ve committed yourself to a beautiful path of healing.
Dear Gail,
Thank you very much for this post. It was MOST helpful. Each of the 10 suggestions prompted an ease of visualisation for me, and I feel so much better for this.
I am 60, and a sober alcoholic (24 years). I have done so much work on myself over the years.However, just recently, I realised that I am still blocked by shame about events and deeds from over 30+ years ago. I am sure too that this angst, shame and related fear has caused me some real physical problems.
These feelings were buried deep and have only begun to surface. Ha! One step at a time I guess! Your guidance has really helped me begin shift a lot of, what I hope is the last lot of darkness.
Thank you so much.
Thanks so much for your comment, Roz. As you’re realizing, the healing comes in layers, and now is your time for this layer of shame and fear.
As I’m sure you know, the only way through is to bring the deepest feelings out of the shadows and into the light of conscious awareness. Only then can they be liberated.
Wishing you well as your journey unfolds…
My mother is a shamer. Her way of ‘educating’ us drove my sisters and I to flee the family home at a very early age, too young and ill-equipped to make solid, researched decisions about things that would have a major impact on our lives and other people that we love. Each of us ended up marrying an abusive, seriously damaged man. We have all managed somehow to separate ourselves from our toxic partners, but our mother remains a central figure because nobody wants to hurt Dad. Our mother was shamed by her father, so we know where it’s coming from. Our mother however, holds her father on a high pedestal and clings to her mistakes like someone smelling their own fart. Any suggestions about how we can be firm with mom about not allowing her to shame us (or our kids) without being painted as “rude, disrespectful and ungrateful” –???
Hi Jennifer,
You can only control what you say and do – you can’t control how that is interpreted by your mother. So if you set firm limits with as much kindness as the situation allows, knowing in your heart that is what the situation calls for, you can’t control her interpretation of these limits as rude and disrespectful. If the situation warrants, you might say something like, “Yes, I get that, you’re seeing me as being rude, disrespectful, and ungrateful” then move on. You are reflecting back without engaging.
It sounds like you have the right approach. Setting limits for the safety of you and your children is the most important thing.
Love Gail
Thank you Gail, I so appreciate you taking the time to respond. It really means a lot to me. I will try your approach.
hi. I feel shame when I cry in front of people. I’m shame because I don’t like people seeing the real me
Hi Tash,
Crying is a natural part of being human. Maybe you can begin to bring love and acceptance toward yourself and whatever you are experiencing.
Hi Gail
Thank you for the article. I’m in recovery 4 1/2 years now. I feel I’m just a more functional person than I use to be. I still have layers of shame and fear. May be not as many layers as I think but I get afraid a lot of being alone and not being able to build a healthy relationship with myself and others. This fear perpetuated the shame. I have few months a year when I’m not in this shame again I don’t know how accurate that is but I know it’s 2 to 3 weeks ok 3 to 4 weeks not great. In between this a day or two I’ll be ok.
I had a dysfunctional child hood poor, black, child of immigrants, foster care, mentally ill mother and angry dry drunk father. Plus orphaned by the age is 14.
I don’t know where the shame starts and I end sometimes. It’s scary. When I’m in shame I isolate, watch loads of TV to numb, eat, porn masturbation , over think and ruminate, shop, physically get stuck don’t want to move too much, insomnia. And the thought of contacting people is so hard. So hard!
I often don’t know how to get our of it in a healthy way. I feel I’m in a total trance floating unable to tune into my body.
I use to regularly practice mindfulness. I think it gets too much dealing with the fear and shame by myself. I know I need to talk more but it’s tough. But I hate vulnerability I get so angry when I’m vulnerable and people just shame me anyway I have a lot of experience of this. Or sitting in rooms where I feel ashamed from what people share. But maybe I need to find people and places I can be vulnerable.
Anyway that’s a lot
Thank you
Lesley
You are on such a beautiful path, Lesley. Thank you so much for sharing it here.
My own experience of being more willing to be vulnerable has been transformative. When I started sharing more, I didn’t pay any attention to how people took it. If they shamed me (which few did), I saw that as their willingness to judge that had nothing to do with me. I just knew that being vulnerable was the key to closer relationships and not feeling so alone. Whatever you’re feeling that’s vulnerable is so precious! It is part of you and nothing, I repeat nothing to be ashamed of.
Yes, find safer places to start, and look for the benefits and good things vulnerability brings.
I have been dealing with depression my whole adult life. Yesterday I was feeling so awful, so down, so desperate – and I asked myself, “What is this feeling?” For the first time, I got the answer, “Shame.” I thought, “What do you have to be ashamed of? This deeply and for your whole life?” The answer? “Nothing.” I immediately began to feel different, better, changed. I felt empowered to see the shame objectively, and as part of the disease, rather than real. I found this article today and it explains it all so well. Thank you.
I am celebrating with you, Alison! Yes, whatever story goes with shame is not real and accurate. And when that is seen, you’re free of it!
Love to you…
This spoke to me as to what is going on in my life right now. I have been suffering from anxiety and depression over some recent events, I inadvertently posted a description of what I have been going through on Facebook. I thought I was on a Depression site when in fact I was on my personal Facebook page. To say that I was humiliated and embarrassed is an understatement as I am generally a very private person. I am working with a therapist but am having extreme difficulty accepting what I did especially since I lied to my Facebook ‘friends’ and said I was hacked instead of claiming responsibility for what I did. Hopefully I will get over this some day but right now every day is a struggle,
Hi Marianne,
Thank you for posting here. Shame comes from keeping secrets. By working with a therapist and sharing what happened in ways that feel right, you are starting to break the cycle of shame. We have all done things we regret, and at the human level, we are all flawed and imperfect. We make mistakes. And when the time is right, we begin to see that these moments of struggle offer something for us to learn or understand at a deeper level. May your journey bring you to a place of ease…
Gail, I am sure that I speak for others when I say that your words of wisdom are priceless. Shame is a hard thing to recover from but as I continually read your words you have given me hope that it is possible. Thank you very much.
This is so beautiful, Marianne! So great to hear. Shame is not who you are – I know that for sure. Lean into who you have always been – before the shame landed in you.
I am still struggling Gail, I am not sure I will ever fully recover which is a shame because I have so much to live for, I am just existing now,,,
Meds, therapists, time (it’s been almost a year)…nothing is working, I am in a black hole that I cannot get out of,
At some point, Mary, you will make the choice to stop punishing yourself and move on. I love hearing that you know you have so much to live for. Then do that! There’s no function to the shame anymore. Be fresh in this moment and not held back by the past. This is where the joy is.
Thank you for your comments Gail, What a kind, loving person you are. I wish I lived near you as I would certainly love to have you as a therapist! Bless you and what you do.
Gail, thank you for this article and a place for comments like these. Today, I revisited a therapist I had seen 5 years ago. Upon hearing what I’ve been going through: anger, despair, feeling stuck, frustration, isolation, amongst other emotions, she uttered “shame.” And my mind stopped dead in its tracks. I had described a “voice” in my head that kept telling me not to do things, that’d I’d fail at it, it wasn’t worth doing, someone else already did it…etc. But when she said shame was what she thought was going on, it was like a light went on! In my mind I have a lot to be ashamed of and explains why I’ve been hiding out and isolating myself. More to do, but grateful for this discovery!
This is the beginning of a phase of your journey, Lea, deeper into what is really present. Ultimately, you’ll see that shame is a false identity – just like all the feelings and mindsets that block us. Your mind may be telling you you have a lot to be ashamed of, but that sounds like the harsh inner critic. The medicine for shame and the inner critic is kindness, acceptance, and a loving relationship with our experience. May you thrive in this love…
Love your articles Gail. Just wish I could put your ideas into practice. I suffer from anxiety and depression and six months ago I inadvertently posted my struggle on my Facebook page (I thought I was on an anxiety forum). Needless to say I was embarrassed and humiliated. I can barely sleep and am seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma and EMDR therapiy. I also take medication. Part of me feels like I have ruined the rest of my life. I am 60 years old and should have been more careful. This was very out of character for me as at work I was thought of as the computer guru if you can believe it. I am so distesssed. Thanks for listening.
I’m glad you’re seeing a professional to help you through this, Mary Ann. We all make mistakes, so I hope you can eventually let yourself off the hook.
I don’t know, but maybe there’s a silver lining in what happened. People now know more about you, which for many makes it easier to connect with you. And there are plenty of people out there with anxiety and depression who hide it. Maybe sharing your struggle was inspiring to someone. You never know…
Wishing you a fruitful path through this to peace…
You are amazing Gail! I wish I lived near you. You would be my therapist for sure!! Thank you.
Hi Gail, I am 18 years old and recently dropped out of college after just one semester. Throughout this semester I was experiencing intense anxiety, causing me to fail classes and make frequent impulsive decisions that were extremely out of character. During this time, I was drinking heavily and made several humiliating mistakes that I feel I cannot move past, including emotional breakdowns, blacking out from drinking and even winding up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning at one point. As well as a flurry of regrettable altercations that had lasting consequences. I am ashamed that I was unable to handle myself in a very public social setting, especially since it was more than once. Although my friends tell me that I am blowing my actions out of proportion and need to move on, I still feel my shame growing more intense by the day. I feel that I can not stop myself from reliving these painful events daily and fixating on what others must think of me. I feel hopeless and as though I am undeserving of happiness in this next chapter of my life. I am ashamed that I let my parents down, both of whom graduated from this same University. Part of me feels that my guilt and humiliation could be irrational, however I am unable to shake this debilitating shame and low self esteem.
Hi Gretchen,
The best thing you can do to stop this downward spiral is to see these actions you took as an opportunity for self-exploration. There is tremendous growth opportunity here for you. It’s not just about dealing with the shame. It would seem important to know what led you to the drinking and other choices so you can fully heal.
Ultimately, the medicine for what you describe is self-compassion. As humans, we all make mistakes and do things we regret. Our job then is to have great understanding and acceptance for ourselves (and therefore for others as well). There is a lot written about self-compassion currently. Google it and start reading. You also might consider Kristin Neff’s book, Self-Compassion.
Consider being kind toward yourself, rather than harsh. This is a choice you can make that will help move forward.
I wish you well on this path….
Hi Gail,
I ended a three year relationship about 18 months ago based on thoughts that I didn’t love my partner anymore. Long story short I still think about her everyday and wonder why it happened and if I made the right decision. I have also been living with extreme intrusive thoughts coupled with deep guilt and shame for previous past actions (which never raised it head until now).
There is no going back to the relationship at this stage but one person pointed out to me that there is no moving on or getting it all out of my head without the reasons why these “not loving her” thoughts occured. This leads me to ROCD or anxiety based on past actions but I can’t be sure, I also feel from research and reading that all of the work my mind is doing is also creating a lot of these thoughts/problems i.e. my mind is very tired (claire weekes book) and I just don’t know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
J
There are a couple of directions to go in, John. Just about every relationship goes through stages where one or both partners don’t feel “in love” for some period of time. So you may want to look at what patterns, beliefs, and expectations, if any were triggered in you when you started noticing your feelings shifting. This exploration is not about regret for what happened, but enables you to learn from the experience moving forward so you know more about the pattern if it should get triggered again. This will help you in relationships in the future. Some people say that love is a verb. That means that it’s not about the feeling so much as how you treat your partner on a daily basis. This is just one perspective. You might want to start reading about long-term relationship and what it takes to be successful at it.
Another direction has to do with these intrusive thoughts. You are spinning in emotion-fueled thinking. So you may want to read through the archives, as I’ve written a lot about how to relate to thoughts and feelings. Then start trying out some of the practices. I think possibly part of why you’re stuck is that there are some emotions lying unexamined in you. For the deepest healing, these need to be seen and welcomed.
All the best to you on your path…
You are brilliant Gail. I suffered trauma at the hands of another 18 months ago. I in turn then hurt a sibling very badly. I prefer not to say how but I will say it was not in a physical way, more in an emotional way. I did a horrible thing, admitted it and though my brother seems to have forgiven me, I cannot forgive myself. I don’t know how to live the rest of my life with the guilt. I honestly wanted to die after I realized what I had done. Don’t know why I did it other than to say that my trauma brought out a manic side of me. How do I move on with my life when I hold so much guilt and shame? I was once a very ‘Normal’ person but the trauma shook me to my core. Thanks.
Hi Mary,
I just responded to someone with a similar struggle and that response applies to you as well. Here it is:
The road to freedom is to have great self-compassion, understand as best you can why things happened the way they did, then make the choice to move on and live – without the past dragging you down. The path also includes apologizing and making amends as best you can.
All kinds of things happen in life, and one of our jobs is to learn the lessons from them. Taking what you’ve learned from whatever happened, let that open your heart to human suffering – yours and others – and let it inform how you move forward.
The phase of understanding helps you to have self-compassion. When we really know the roots that lead us to behave in ways that hurt others, we understand that comes from our own suffering and we can open our hearts to it. You say trauma brought out a manic side in you. This may need to be explored further by you. You must have been hurting when you did whatever it was. Have compassion for that hurting part of you.
There may also be unexplored reactions you have toward the person who hurt you. This may need to be explored as well to free up the places in you that are stuck.
In the end, you make the choice to fully live. There is no magic to it.
You are on a rich journey that I understand is painful – and it offers many gifts for your growth and awakening.
Thank you Gail. I am working with a therapist who has indicated that I need to tell the ‘part’ of me that caused the hurting of my brother to give me space. Currently, I literally loathe myself and cannot believe what I did. I don’t want to carry this the rest of my life as I have so much life to enjoy. I just want to wake up one day and not have it consume my thoughts. I have literally lost sleep over this. Considered anti depressants yet they do not ‘solve’ anything and only mask the root of the issue.
Once again I need to say that your writings are brilliant. I wish you lived near me as I would love to have you as a therapist. Thank you.
Thank you for addressing issues of shame and embarrassment.
What are your thoughts on feelings of shame
1. Because you want to have relationships with other adults both platonic and a romantic one but afraid of pushing people away or of rejection.
2. Because of (childhood into adulthood) experience which included being told of being boring, people pleasing to be liked.
3. Allowing bad treatment to oneself because of thoughts it would be worth it but only getting worse ending in divorce.
4. Feeling different from others almost all the time (
I am generally reserved and have a soft quiet voice)
5. Fear of showing neediness hence isolate so people dont totally run.
6. What can I remind myself or speak to myself when these feelings are especially strong I struggle to sleep and my stomach is in notes.
Here are my thoughts on your questions, Sophie
1. Because you want to have relationships with other adults both platonic and a romantic one but afraid of pushing people away or of rejection. You might start living in the world as if you didn’t have these fears to see what happens. Fear means you are imagining a negative outcome in the future – but you don’t know if you will be rejected or not. I know you’re reserved, but try being a little more friendly by showing interest and asking questions. Just try it out and see what happens – being in the world and not holding yourself back by these fears.
2. Because of (childhood into adulthood) experience which included being told of being boring, people pleasing to be liked. These thoughts about being boring are conditioned in you – but they are not the truth of who you are. Don’t let them define you. You are assuming others will think you’re boring, but you don’t know that for sure. Be centered in yourself and be who you are – and see what happens. Not everyone will like us, but you always get a chance to be yourself.
3. Allowing bad treatment to oneself because of thoughts it would be worth it but only getting worse ending in divorce. Good that you’re out of a relationship where you weren’t treated well! Learn from this so you are around only people who treat you well.
4. Feeling different from others almost all the time (I am generally reserved and have a soft quiet voice). We are all different in some way. Celebrate your differences! The world needs reserved people who speak softly. There’s a place for you – thank you for being one of them.
5. Fear of showing neediness hence isolate so people dont totally run. Again, this is a fear, which is assuming people will run. You don’t know if they’re perceiving you as needy, and you don’t know if they’ll run. Find joy, contentment, and a sense of well being in yourself and stay rooted there. That’s what you have control over and that is what will serve your happiness.
6. What can I remind myself or speak to myself when these feelings are especially strong I struggle to sleep and my stomach is in notes. Put one hand on your heart and one on your belly and breathe. Be kind and soothing to yourself. These feelings are trying to protect you, but they’re going overboard. Say, “thank you” then return your attention to bringing love and kindness to your mind, body, and heart.
Thanks so much for your response. I think my biggest issue is hearing people say things that trigger these negative emotions and trying to decide whether Im wrong and misunderstood or I am right and should make a different decision.E.g make sure your dont become needy then they distance themselves. (Hard to make a different conclusion). Definite trust issues with myseIf and others. I will make more conscious decisions each time I am faced with difficulty situations like this
Hi Sophie,
When people have early experiences that lead them to mistrust themselves, it takes time to regain that trust. I suggest that when you’re not sure, you begin to get quiet and go inside. See if you can find that inner voice (we all have it) that tells you your truth about things. Your truth may not jive with what other people say or want, but it is your inner knowing. Follow that as best as you can. Slow things down and take the time to get to know yourself inside. This is what will serve you well.
Appreciate your advise. Thank you
I recently resigned from my job because I could no longer live with the anxiety and fear which seemed to be out of proportion to the situations I was dealing with. It was not a supportive environment, in fact it was quite toxic. I felt in a double bind that no matter what I did I would fail. I would go from being a 57 year old senior director to a nine year old boy who did not feel safe and wanted to run away.
I found your 10 steps gave me hope this morning as I recognise that deep rooted shame is hurting me. I just want to stop these feelings hijacking my life. I rationally see I have a lovely life but the feelings do not match. I will work with your 10 steps. Thank you
Hi Gail, Only recently did I identify the role that shame has played in my life and the huge impact that it’s had. Embarrassingly, part of it is shame of where I come from and of my parents who couldn’t be more kind or loving. Even as I work through this I don’t see a way that I could possibly share this feeling with them without it being beyond hurtful and upsetting. Do you agree? Secondly, I identify the role that shame has played in my relationships. I’ve lost many friends over the years and recently lost a very close friend. I was needy, jealous, and lonely (she is life coach and practices a lot of mindfulness and hit her limit). I’m crushed about it. I’ve tried to reach out to re-establish our relationship/ begin to mend things but she’s made it clear she wants no part of it. How do you suggest I handle this?
Hi MES,
I don’t recommend talking with your parents about your shame. This is your path to walk, and I don’t see how sharing your feelings would be useful.
If you feel needy, jealous, and lonely, these are beautiful invitations for your own path to freedom and awakening. In the end, it is never about the other person. Others just reflect back our own places of stuckness. Then we learn to work with these places so they don’t overpower us, and there is much here on this site that can guide you.
What if you don’t know what’s driving the shame? Possibly something from childhood that’s been pushed so far down you don’t remember it? I know I display shame, I have shame but I’ve no idea what drives it and therefore not sure how to “work through it”? Ideally there would be a way to work through it without remembering it, without having to figure out what is causing it but is that possible? Can you freely move on without identifying the cause? If yes, how? If no, how do you suggest somehow bringing to the surface something you can’t recall? Or maybe identifying a cause you can’t clearly identify? Perhaps I do remember but haven’t associated the shame to whatever might be driving it? Thoughts?
H CJ,
It can help to remember the source of the shame, but it’s not necessary. If you turn toward whatever you feel in the moment, that is your way in. So whatever you’re calling shame, what is your direct experience in the moment? What do you feel in your body – give it time for the subtle sensations to come out. When you open to your direct experience with great self-compassion and acceptance, what wants to come to the surface? Be very kind and welcoming to whatever wants to come. Really, this is all you need.