“The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.”
from The Guest House, by Rumi
It came over me like a whisper, then I realized I was afraid. I felt that familiar flutter everywhere in my body, and I was uncomfortable. I watched the fear intently as it crawled into my mind, begging my thoughts to start spinning: “What is going on?? Why am I feeling like this? Maybe it’s because of that email I just got. Maybe something’s wrong. I want this to go away.”
I saw it all like a perfectly constructed scene in a film. This feeling was designed to make me suffer, formulated to pull my attention into the fear. I felt the barrier rising, disconnecting me from the world and the people around me. I saw how easily I could become absorbed in it.
The choice was so clear, obvious to me as the scene unfolded. I could jump into the anxiety and make it my reality. It would surely ruin my day. Who knows when it would end?
Or I could stay…unmoving…watchful…present. And that’s what I did.
I became aware of a vast, open, welcoming space in my being, and felt the sensations. I invited them in with so much tenderness, unafraid of what might happen. Every single one could be there as long as it wanted—I was there for it, standing as loving acceptance.
I felt relief deep in my body and beyond. I totally gave up fighting what was present. And I relaxed with it, into it. It was the reality of the moment, so who am I to resist it? I received it like a precious gift. Something in me just knew that this was the right way to be in this moment.
I wasn’t aware that things had shifted. Before I realized it, I was talking with friends, enjoying myself and fully engaged. The fear? It’s now just a memory that I’m sharing with you.
Although this experience changed quite quickly, it wasn’t always like that for me. I used to be loaded with fear and embroiled in a compulsive, fear-filled mind. But, over the years, I took each moment and made the sacred choice. The fear has now mostly subsided, but still, each time it appears is like the first time. I receive it fully. I welcome it like a homecoming.
If you’re stuck in any emotion that revisits you, try this. Drop the judgment, and forget the avoidance of it. These are stepping stones on the road to suffering.
Instead, stop. Breathe. Be loving, open space for this appearance in your body. Receive it like a gift, over and over.
Even the ones that have lived in you a long time, the ones that have caused you pain and brought your enjoyment of life to a halt. Welcome them in, too. Expect nothing, and you’ll be amazed at the ease that’s possible.
What happens when you’re simply present with your emotions, without the story? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to comment.
Amyra Mah says
This is so beautiful. Such delightful words to ease us into the direction of staying with sensations instead of running the other way.
So timely too, as it’s precisely where I found myself today. I found that when being present with the sensations, at a certain point the fear/pain opened up to its true source… and I had a moment of realising that this too came from the same source that created beauty and joy.
Thank you, Gail, for posting this. I shall read it again and again… Much love to you.
Gail Brenner says
A big hug and love to you, Amyra!
MyPeaceOfFood says
Thank you, Gail…I needed to hear this message today. Something turned me away from where I was going and lead me to this page! So much more pain is caused by resisting, trying to fix and suppressing our emotions, especially when they are tied up in what other people expect us to do, feel and say. I have been coming back to this quote over and over lately by Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” When it is, in fact, a change to start practicing acceptance. I am often in resistance to that because I feel the need to change, I want to change and I feel the pressure to change. It takes courage to stand up and say You know what? I am “okay as is.” I am okay with what is. Isn’t that largely at the root of any struggle?
Gail Brenner says
It depends on what you say by “okay with what is.” For example, if you’re always late and disrespectful of others’ time, that’s not okay in the big picture, but accepting that this is the case and not defending or resisting is a wonderful starting point for change. The acceptance of what is allows us to look honestly at what is happening, and if change comes, it flows from this acceptance quite naturally.
You might ask yourself where this need for change is coming from. Is it coming from a belief that you lack something in order to be whole? This is a misunderstanding and needs further investigation. When you realize you’re already whole, all the need to fill yourself up falls away. So look further into this need to change you’re experiencing and get to know it better. This may lead to clarity.
Sheila C says
Wow, thank you for sharing this! I have spent the last 30 of my 40 yrs. of life avoiding and not knowing how to cope in my life. I have caused myself a great deal of pain and an emotional coaster ride due to not living and understanding what caused my fear and pain. I’ve been in such denial that not only it hurt me but my children and failed relationships. The things in my past were not my fault but I lived in fear, anger, and let rage rule my every emotion. I tried facing some of the things over the years, but it was so painful I closed it up and just acted as if it did’t effect me but it did everyday. There is such a relief in me today, that I can face my past now and know it doesn’t have to control me and allow myself to forgive others and myself. Thank you for writing this and affirming to me by reading this, I can just feel it and relax in myself that I can accept myself and my pain but let go of the negative parts in my life instead of not facing it.
Gail Brenner says
There is so much intelligence here, Sheila. Somehow you’ve gained this incredible insight into one of the ways to move through challenges. You know you have a choice – to carry the sad stories around and let them affect you – or to let them fall by the wayside.
This is a beautiful testimony to what’s possible. Thank you for sharing it here.
Rachel says
I’m glad you noted that it takes a while to accept things as they are. Accepting that it may take time is another acceptance. I’m doing more of what you suggest. My hope is to remember without too much sorrow. I remember the love that I lost and I still long for it, but I don’t want the longing and the missing to steal the joy of what was. So now that love is gone and I will of course continue to feel the loss, but I can be okay. There is more to life than the one thing a person has lost. Thank you Gail.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad to hear you’re gradually moving on, Rachel! There’s a lot of life out there for you to live!
Marilee Krause says
I am eternally grateful to you for sharing this teaching and your experience with it. Every time I hear it, I feel bolstered and reassured – those sensations can get gnarly, and it feels counter-intuitive to allow them – and when I do, there can be a big huge WHEW! New life, beauty, love, connection. Thank you, all blessings, Marilee
Gail Brenner says
So sweet, Marilee. It is my experience – quite often. And it’s a lovely way to be. I no longer label emotions as negative or meeting them as “hard.” It’s just sensation, and I welcome it fully.
Amanda says
Thank you so much for another beautiful post, Gail. I find myself often coming back to your archives, only to learn and discover new things every time. And for that I thank you. The words of your blog have truly helped me to begin a new journey of healing. After a couple years of new and difficult circumstances–ones that I had never before encountered and therefore had no real idea of how to deal with them–on top of a currently existing presence that seems to be what many call a “quarter life crisis”–I was beginning to feel like my life was officially falling apart,when it hadn’t even “begun”. I have been filled with fear and anxiety, and the only way I thought I knew how to deal with these entities and the negative thought patterns they brought along was to push them away–bury them, distract myself with people and busyness, etc. But I think I am now discovering, I hope, the road to recovery and peace. Through your articles (and audio meditations) I am learning to accept; to feel the physical sensations in my body (that I once thought were scary, meant to be avoided/stopped, and only caused inner turmoil and habitués thinking of “what’s happening to me? Why do I feel this way? There must be something wrong with me! I must be crazy! I’m “mentally ill”! I’m so different than everyone else!”) , and accept them lovingly, and see them for what they are: physical sensations in the body. No need to add the stories, the fiction, the what-ifs. I’ve started to notice this slowly seeping into my everyday life. Things that I once would have worried incessantly about, or felt bad about myself for, I can find myself having he initial thought, and then gently pushing the thought away like a balloon, with no new stories/downward spiraling attached. I’m not a pro yet, lol, but I hope I am on my way to great, powerful and peaceful change within myself. I hope this sounds like I am on the right track?
My “quarter life crisis”–in which I am still a little unsure of my path and/or how to get there, and even being afraid of any success if/once I DO get there–I am working to apply this same new process. (I currently work/want to work in he film industry, although it is filled with massive uncertainty.) I have been having a little bit of difficulty finding the balance between being calm, present and aware, and being a driven, passionate and persistent go-getter that I always have been. I want and know I need to work hard to go after my dreams (which I feel requires a lot of thinking/planning for the future?), while also being calm and accepting of not knowing. I don’t want to spend my days thinking constantly of the future (even if they are good thoughts of me pursuing my dream) , and miss out on this present moment. I don’t want to look back and feel that I wasted time, or wish for these days back. Does that make sense? Any idea/thoughts on how to find this balance?
Thanks again Gail!
Gail Brenner says
It all makes sense, Amanda. I love hearing that things are becoming easier and less dramatic for you.
Regarding your question, maybe it’s about not being attached to the outcomes. You can want a goal, plan, and take actions. But in the moment when anything is happening, you can be fully present with it. If not, you are kind of doing it, but also worrying about other things. So in the moment, be present and let the futurizing and worrying go. You’ll enjoy yourself so much more!
Jayashree says
In the ocean of eternity ,every fear gets absorbed and diluted but it is hard to remember and experience at the time when fear wraps us from all over.
Thanks for reminding us through this article Gail.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Jayashree, fear gets absorbed in the ocean of eternity. But this happens right in the moment when fear begins to arise. When you become aware that fear is arising, let that be the tap on the shoulder to stop…be aware…and meet your experience with love and acceptance. This is the medicine for the momentum of conditioning and the path home to the truth of yourself.
Gladys Funke says
Thank you for the reminder. As I transition into a new life, venturing into uncharted waters, a new town I leave behind my former life. Moments of uncertainty and fear have shown up. Then I realize if I just breathe and let my future unfold and not put too much pressure on myself, it will all be ok.
Gail Brenner says
I love this, Gladys. It’s so simple! Breathe and let your future unfold. And it will, perfectly. So much ease in life…
Maria says
Gail, Beautiful post as always. I have noticed that when we don’t like these fearful sensations (get irritated experiencing them), they create so much suffering and many more negative thoughts and stories. The tough part is accepting them and allowing them to be there. The story is always running why I am experiencing this fear/pain.
Gail Brenner says
The story may be running, Maria, so let it run. Don’t resist it, but don’t feed it either with your attention. Just keep moving your attention back into your body to feel the sensations that are present. It might take a million times in 5 minutes, but it doesn’t matter. Each time chips away at the power of the conditioned fear response.
And like I said to someone else here, I no longer label sensations as tough or hard. That is story. They just are, and as that, they’re not a problem. So maybe you can take away the label of your experience and just be with it in loving openness.
steven says
All you posts are so clear and uplifting…..but this one especially,…it’s not so much that what you say is new, but the warm personal style and the clarity of it really touches and inspires confidence.
Gail Brenner says
That’s so kind of you, Steven. Thank you. The content isn’t new, but paradoxically, it’s also fresh. I think you might be like me – I love reading different expressions of the one truth, our true nature, overflowing as love. I never get tired of it!
Pam says
Good morning Gail. Thank you so much for this post. I am still suffering with anxiety when it comes with being in a group of over four people. Not sure if it’s my own anxiety or if I’m feeling the anxieties from others. Empathy? I brought it up in a discussion with the group I was with. That afternoon we all went to my cousins for an afternoon visit. There were not many drinking alcohol so I can’t blame that since I’ve quit drinking over a year and a half ago. So I won’t put the blame on that. One of the girls who I have recently met said that she was suffering from high anxiety while visiting. Her mom actually brought her to a crises centre to have her medicated for anxiety just a few days ago. So I am seeking an answer for my anxieties. Are they my anxieties or am I an empath? Not sure if there can be a clear answer for this but I would love your take on this. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Pam,
Anxiety and empathy can co-exist. In fact, what would it be like to bring empathy to your experience of anxiety? Not the story about your anxiety, but just for a moment forgetting all of that, and fully embrace your experience. It’s the most loving way you can be with yourself…
Victoria De Maio says
Gail,
There isn’t much to add that hasn’t been shared by everyone else -and they reflect my own gratitude for your always timely writings.
Blessings to you,
V.
Gail Brenner says
Big hug and love to you, Victoria!
Pam says
Hello again Gail. I’m going to add to my last post. What is the difference between an empath and an introvert. Thank you. I believe I’m one of those.
Brenda says
Want you to know that way up here in Northern Ontario Canada, your warm and practical wisdom is loved, appreciated and referred to on a daily basis. I have your archives just a touch away on my iPad. This latest post arrived at the perfect time. Coincidently, I had recently printed out The Guest House along with several other favourites…Love after Love by Derek Walcott, Enough by David Whyte. As you said, I just can’t get enough of the same beautiful message put into different words.
Thank you so much. Love and Blessings.
Brenda
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful, Brenda. Here’s the David Whyte poem to share:
Enough. These few words are enough.
If not these words, this breath.
If not this breath, this sitting here.
This opening to the life
We have refused
Again and again
Until now.
Until now.
~ by David Whyte
Prosper B. Wealth says
Hello Gail.
This is my first visit to your site. I came here after reading your article on procrastination at WriteToDone.
I no more believe in coincidence. This is not a mistake. I’m glad to the blessed path that led me to this community.
Thanks to this article and the comments. I’m feeling the healing that was powered by your blessed words.
Once again, thank you very much!
~ PBW
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, PBW! I’m so glad you found your way here and that you’re reaping the benefits!
Phumzile says
Hi Gail:)
I’m the first time visitor as well and I feel like I’m home;)
Thank you for the amazing wisdom you are sharing with us. Its amazing how I came across this post especially today. A few days ago I experienced deep pain coming from within, it was so intense that I couldn’t escape it and just gave up and accepted what I was feeling right at the moment, to my amazement moments later like a quiet sea, I felt quietness deep from my soul. So I realised that sometimes being in the moment and acceptance of our own emotions is the best thing we could do.
Thanks once again, you’re making a difference!
Phumi
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you found your way here, Phumi! Welcome!
I love what you describe. It’s so beautiful to completely surrender to what’s here, even if it’s emotional pain.
Sending love…
Tristan says
Gail, you are amazing: reading and writing back thoughtfully and heartfully to every person. Do you manage to FEEL so much love for every single person you meet? Astounding and inspiring.
Have you yet come across anyone who does similar? Any other websites/blogs to recommend?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tristan!
I feel moved to answer sincere questions. That’s just how it is. As for other blogs, all bloggers handle this differently. You might want to check out AlwaysWellWithin. Sandra has a lovely style and cares deeply.