“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.”
~Eckhart Tolle
For some compelling reason, many human minds are inclined to think negatively. And the target of those negative thoughts is often ourselves.
We’re fearful of what might happen if we stretch into the fullness of our life path. We believe we’re broken, damaged, and inadequate. We live in the pain of unworthiness.
These thought patterns hang like a dark cloud, distracting us from joy, well being, and the brilliance of our infinite potential.
The Core of the Problem of Inadequacy
Our modern culture tells us that these thoughts mean we don’t love ourselves, and the fix is to love ourselves more. But how do we actually accomplish that?
We’re encouraged to repeat affirmations, change our thoughts, and remind ourselves of our accomplishments. It’s wonderful if these strategies work, but often they don’t. They might give relief for a while, but they don’t sustain the sense of optimism and trust we all deserve.
Why? Because they don’t get to the core of the problem, which is that we identify with these self-defeating thoughts. We believe that they’re true—when they’re not, and we think that they tell us the facts about who we are—when these thoughts can’t begin to describe our magnificence.
9 Loving Ways
This identity of lack and inadequacy needs to be addressed head-on. Here are nine ways to do just that. Why would we go on believing a false identity when the truth of ourselves, which is so freeing, is right here to be realized and lived?
1. Form a friendly relationship with your thoughts.
Do the thoughts say, “I’m a loser, I’ll fail, I’m unlovable?” See how they limit you. When self-defeating thoughts appear, take a breath and say hello. Once you recognize them, be empowered to make the choice to live fully and not according to the limits they impose on you.
2. Be clear about what you really want.
Remember that what you pay attention to is what grows. Once you become aware that you’ve been in the grip of self-critical thoughts, you’re now able to choose where to put your attention. You can keep feeding the negative content of these thoughts, or try any of these supportive options in the moment.
- Breathe deeply and track the movements of the inhale and the exhale.
- Be still and meet your inner experiences with love and understanding—instead of believing them.
- Ask: How does life want to move me? How am I called to serve peace and happiness?
- Go do something that brings you joy and delight.
3. Be super willing to let go.
Letting go of the identity of unworthiness is like saying goodbye to a friendship that you know has reached its end. It might take some time, but be very willing to feel open in your mind and body, make space for new ways of being in the world, and see people and situations through the eyes of caring and not fear and need.
4. Know the truth.
Not one inadequate thought can possibly describe who you are. These beliefs are false descriptions that the mind comes up with, but who is the “you” they’re describing? You, who you really are, are way too glorious to be defined by any thought. You are unlimited, whole, free, and infinitely loving. And something in you has a sneaking suspicion that this is the truth. Know and live this truth. The world is waiting for you.
5. Don’t let your feelings guide you.
If you believe you’re unworthy, you’re bound to feel hurt, disappointed, and sad. As you probably know, these feelings pull you in and drag you down. Instead of following them, establish yourself in the intention to move beyond limitation. Stand up and feel your feet on the ground. Take a couple of breaths into your belly. Feel confident in your body as you take a few steps. Go out there and live the totality of what is true for you.
6. Be harmonious within yourself.
Believing the identity of feeling damaged or inadequate separates you from your own experience. Rejecting the feelings that arise within only strengthens self-hate. End the fight by being so very kind toward your own thoughts and feelings. Just welcome them from a place of friendly neutrality as if they were clouds floating in the sky. No charge, no drama. This is the most loving way to be with yourself.
7. Be here now—and not locked into the past.
Sometimes negative self-identities form because we internalize how people treated us when we were young. If you leave your mind unchecked, it will keep repeating this painful story forever.
Shift your attention away from the mind and step fully into presence, the aliveness of your being that has never been touched by brokenness or insecurity. Breathe in the aliveness, as this is the true medicine for the division and negativity you feel. Over and over, choose presence and not your thoughts—in the name of freedom, happiness, and love.
8. Act as if.
Take one situation or interaction, and approach it as if you felt whole, confident, and enthusiastic. How does it feel in your body? What thoughts would you be thinking? Embody this intelligent way of being in your own direct experience.
9. Rinse and repeat.
Don’t plan on eliminating all thoughts of unworthiness. Instead, commit to meeting them with loving presence. Notice them, acknowledge them, then turn away from them while you stay rooted in the fullness of unlimited potential. Do this every time the thoughts arise, and eventually they will soften.
What About You?
Have you found freedom from inadequacy? Still working on it? Do you live your true magnificence? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
New videos: I’m happy to share two new video interviews. I had lovely conversations with Grace Bubeck and Evita Ochel. Please enjoy!
Always in love,
Gail
love all of it. thanks Gail for another motivating article this all makes so much sense. I just wish i could be reminded of these 9 steps every 10 seconds of my life, since that’s how often I forget about the self-love. maybe i could get them tattooed on my arm 😉
I know that 10-second need, Tanja! But I can tell you from my own experience, eventually the truth begins to take hold and drowns out that old conditioning. Also, don’t forget to recognize the moments of opening, catching the conditioning, joy, delight, wonder, love…. Life is right here to be experienced fully….
Motivating .. Don’t have much words … It’s practical and useful.
So glad, Manish!
Thanks Gail, very helpful!
Wonderful, Rosie!
Talking of tattoos,on my right forearm I have in large letters,”THIS IS IT’ on my left forearm I have’AND ITS PERFECT’to remind myself of the rightness of every moment,because I forget constantly.I now attend a Buddhist centre,it’s not a quick fix,but it’s uplifting frequently.????
Hi Malcolm, I love how committed you are to happiness!
Without yourself and your book,and others like Echart Tolle,and Tara Brach,I would be in a negative place,thank you so much????
So sweet, Malcolm! Sending you a big hug…
This article comes at the perfect time! I think I’ve improved greatly in terms of my sense of worthiness and now I want to step it up another level. Thanks for these excellent suggestions.
I have mixed feelings about this quote: “Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.” I know that past trauma can make it more difficult to be in the present moment. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible or not a worthwhile endeavor by any means!
So lovely to hear from you, Sandra! I know how fiery you are about getting to the truth of things. The more we shed these layers of conditioning, the more we’re available to experiencing and living life fully without any negative filter or separation.
I hear you about that quote. We can temporarily be stuck in our minds, ruminating about the past and not being present now. But when the past is seen for what it is (finished, but alive in our minds) and we don’t feed the stories, what remains is presence and openness to life as it appears in this moment. I love that this discover is always possible!
Beautiful, just beautiful, Gail. I have found (and continue to find, over and over) that these 9 loving ways work! I love the words you’ve chosen to express some of the most important learnings in my life (thus far, anyway). Sending much love and appreciation to you.
So much love to you, Susan…
Just asking yourself, “what is keeping me from experiencing presence and joy? Why are you letting it?”
Awareness is key.
Welcome to you, Paul! Yes! There is always that choice to be present and joyful – once we are aware of our experience.
very helpful ,final i just tried something new after 7 years of nightmare.
I’m so happy for your relief from the nightmare, Joseph! It takes trying something new, getting out of the comfort zone, and shedding the identities that bring us suffering. Glad you found this post helpful…
Great article and comments Gail, and may I say that working in a one-on-one relationship with a highly skilled, wise, and caring therapist, which I am now doing, has shifted something deep within my being that I have never received from all of the self-help books, CD’s, articles, courses, and affirmation work that I have done over the past thirty years of my life. Because of her, I too can say that suffering is indeed optional. Her personal one-on-one input in my life has made that fact a reality for me. I am saying that from an extremely violent and verbally abusive childhood from two years of age forward. She is the most gentle, wise, and caring person I have ever had the pleasure of working with in my entire life. She, as well as you, is a blessing in this physical world.
Keep up the good you are bestowing into this physical world through your own being. —– Robert
Thank you so much for leaving this comment, Robert. This is a testimony to what is possible. No matter how deep the tentacles of suffering, freedom is always possible. Happy for you!
Hi Gail,in the interview with Evita Ochel you said that we already have what we need to be happy.This made me think of my experience in meditating at my Buddhist Centre. Immediately after my meditation I am in a place of peace with no problems around me,although I,m the same Malcolm,but not my everyday person.Is this a sense of what you are referring to?
Regards
It sounds like when you meditate, Malcolm, that your attention shifts away from the problems of everyday life. The attention maybe has expanded into presence. You realize there are no problems because you aren’t paying attention to the stories that create them – or maybe those stories aren’t even arising. And what is meditation? It’s so simple – just being here. So yes, you’re directly experiencing this possibility of realizing that the happiness you’re looking for is already here.
May I offer some guidance to deepen your investigation? You say that when you’re peaceful, you’re the same Malcolm. What does that mean exactly? This gets into the essential spiritual question: Who am I? When you realize you are not the one with all the problems you thought you had, who are you? This is a question not to be answered with the mind, but to be contemplated and known through experience.
Hi Gail,,I mean I’m still physically Malcolm,but my experience is of peace.,regards
Yes, and I’m inviting a deeper question. Is who you truly are “Malcolm?” Are you the one defined by the physical body with the name Malcolm and Malcolm’s history? Beautiful questions for contemplation…
Hi Gail,Most of the time,yes I,m Malcolm as defined by his name,stories,and conditioning.However I have sometimes had glimpses of a different place,and it is very peaceful,and I would like to enlarge it.
Thank you for your valuable ‘inspirational’ truth…
It feel is like living’ ALIVE’ . Your 9 loving ways is magical influence and its really works.
Once again , I would like to thanks for your imense love and care for us,,,
With more love and care..
Yes, living ALIVE, Manik! That is what we’re here for!
So much love….
Hey, Gail! It’s been a while. Perfect article. Do I have feelings (and most of the time) of inadequacy and question self-worth? You bet! Do I have feelings of self-worthiness? Often times. Do all these interfere with my brilliant self expression and authenticity and being at the present. Absolutely. From childhood to adulthood. I realize the main source: Fear. It stops me from my moment by moment peace and happiness. Here’s something for everyone:
-Align with fear, then you’re driven to choose between safe & unknown. So what is it? Ah, get away from your comfort zone.
-Befriend fear, then you can dismantle it and see- just distorted thoughts.
-Focus on fear, then I’m attentive to inadequacy and suffering, self-unworthiness & even shame.
-Pay no mind to fear, then its a “YES” and “I don’t know what’s in the future.”
-Stick with fear, then you’re locked in the past and overlook opportunities.
-So how can Bles attain security, adequacy, self-worthiness and peace? — Never stick to what I already know. Close the door to mindless activities and mental noise. Be kind towards thoughts, feelings and experiences. Notice, observe and be curious. Step in the fully into the presence and aliveness of my being. Everything is already here and I’m awareness. Feel body sensations and understand those feelings. Avoid drama and demeaning inner thought. Practice, practice, practice & repeat. My opportunities — attaining peace, happiness, brilliant self-expression, authentic-self, and moment by moment by moment embodiment of thoughts and awareness. Take care and apologies for a long discourse. Wonderful day!
I love this long discourse, Bles! It’s so beautiful to hear how you take what you read and learn and make it your own in the moments of your life. What you’ve written is rich with insights and intelligent actions. I also appreciate that you’re not waiting for those feelings of inadequacy to go away. You’re working with them directly – which is the key.
Love to you….
Dear Gail
Could you teach me please the first steps in “Urge Surfing” or perhaps I’ve landed on the wrong web page, and you are not the person to contact?
Hi Penny,
Here is the link to the article on urge surfing. https://gailbrenner.com/2010/06/how-to-break-habits-cope-with-urges-cravings/ Hope you find it helpful!
Please note that the audio meditation is no longer available.
Love to you…
Yes, definitely. There’s nothing that makes us suffer from inadequacy. 🙂