“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
~Rabindranath Tagore
I know what it’s like to live a life driven by emotion, and believe me, it won’t make you happy.
Someone shows up late, and you’re triggered by fear and anger. You get some negative feedback, and you sulk in sadness. You live in anxiety, cycling thoughts over and over about what will happen next and if it will all be okay.
It’s like you’re a yo-yo on a string, with your happiness tied to all the circumstances in your life that you can’t control.
If you ask me, this is no way to live.
Until you become fully aware of your inner experiences, emotions will rule, guaranteed.
Emotions are highly conditioned, meaning that they are automatic reactions that arise in you in response to things that happen. When a memory comes to mind, you don’t need to make yourself feel sad. You just do.
And it’s not only about how you feel.
If you make decisions based on emotions, you are unlikely to be happy and fulfilled.
- You feel empty and choose the first potential partner who comes along, even though the red flags are flying everywhere.
- Because you’re afraid, you don’t reach out to engage fully in the world.
- Your resentment keeps your heart closed and your relationships stuck.
You’re making choices all the time—are these the ones you really want to be making? I didn’t think so.
Maybe it’s time to shine the light of awareness on emotions. Emotions have power over you when you avoid them. But get curious about them, bring them into conscious awareness, and things begin to change.
Rather than resisting, you’re welcoming and accepting.
And you can choose to respond from clarity, logic, and intelligence instead of from emotion.
See how you don’t need to get rid of emotions or change them into happier ones? That takes way too much effort.
Instead, become aware of the feelings that take you over. Once you see how feelings have been driving you, you can put them aside and make a different choice.
You have the space to be reasonable, flexible, logical, and smart about how you live.
Think of a problem you have—an unresolved relationship from the past, work stress, an ongoing situation that frustrates you. Notice how your emotions about the situation make you feel and what they motivate you to do.
Now, become aware of the emotion that’s fueling the problem. See the story the emotion is telling you.
Notice how the emotion isn’t serving your peace and happiness. Be honest with yourself—is it helping or hurting?
Now, bundle up the feeling and put it aside. Experience yourself without the weight of the emotion.
Returning to the problem, how does it look to you without the emotion tangled up in it?
Even if this process seems difficult for you, imagine what it would be like to not follow your emotions.
Difficult feelings can be like old friends who have overstayed their welcome. You’re used to them being around, but you don’t enjoy their company.
So know this: Feelings are temporary, and you can let them go. They don’t have to drive and define you. Moment after moment, you can find the place in you that is free of emotion. And when you do, live there happily with clarity, intelligence, and love.
Yunzhe Zhou says
Thanks for this Gail! Reminds me of one of the quotes that came up during meditation: “Observe your feelings come and go like clouds in the sky”.
Really liked how you talked about being aware of them, and then letting them go.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, that’s the paradox. Becoming aware of anything with curiosity and acceptance, including feelings, frees them up so they start to lose their power.
Mr. R says
Dr. Gail, I try so hard to deal with and to release these feelings from many years ago dealing with the total deceit by my then girlfriend and now my wife. It’s been over 32 years since I found out she and my co-worker were having an affair. She refuses to admit to that, but remembering back when I confronted them in a vehicle together, and they both stated they loved each other, she states her love was as friend and platonic. I know this is a long time ago and I’ve tried to get beyond it. We have two wonderful sons and an awesome Grandson, but the thought of still lying about it leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth. I know I should not continue to live in the pass, but if she had not done that, I could have, and would have been the best husband ever. I am truly contemplating just walking out. I had suppressed these feelings for so long. Please share your thoughts.
Gail Brenner says
Hello, Mr. R.
Given this situation, you had many choice points along the way. You chose to marry her, stay with her, have children with her, etc. You need to take responsibility for your decisions and not be stuck in feeling like a victim – because you’re not.
Also, take responsibility for how you show up in your relationship as a husband. This again is about your choices and not about anything she has done. Since she lied to you, you have chosen to withhold your attention/affection/caring from her. You could have made other choices, but this is what you chose. Own this.
If the thought of her lying bothers you and you want to have a happy and fulfilled life together, then don’t give that thought any more of your attention. You are right, living in the past creates misery. You can choose whether or not to be miserable by not fueling that thought any longer.
This may be a moment of truth for you. You get to take responsibility for your choices, your life, and your happiness.
Tristan says
Gail, I’ve thought&felt deeply through this response of yours, and unfortunately life is not that simple… Behind a lie maintained over 32 years, there is much more, as if blocked behind a dam.
You haven’t suggested a way to create the space for Mr R’s wife to feel safe to finally tell the truth, and thereby open full connection, healing, full “carefree-trust” .
Or you can merrily go forward not minding that the other doesn’t want to respect you in that way. Sometimes you just give wholeheartedly, creating time for her to realize how much that disrespect takes away from a deepest connection. But perhaps she just takes advantage of the bigheartedness, to never step up.
Just an eg: If you really didn’t take to heart the wisdoms I share, for exploration, I will still go on happily appreciating and learning from your wisdoms and wonderful spirit. But we will not be on the same plane — and I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage with you! 🙂 Or maybe I would want to at the same time — because how few are the women who are anywhere near as wonderful! 🙂
Better not to take on the mantle of victimhood, and to get creative: find a way, or a kind trusted-by-all third party to undo the blockage. So that the full magic can flow… but as as you say, don’t be desperate for whatever you’re trying to work. Life is still beautiful meanwhile.
Mr. R says
Thank you Dr. Gail for your rapid and professional response. I do show love and affection and as you stated, I made this choice. I made it because I was so madly in love and I still love my wife. But hearing songs like Backstabbers etc…, just brings these feelings to the forefront. I have read your response over and over, and I thank you. God bless you for caring about those who read your articles and follow you. I am trying my best and will continue to.
Tristan says
A(lmost all) woman has only one god and that is her own feelings! Nothing else matters unless it’s something that stimulates her feelings in some way. No matter how everyone else around is feeling / in pain, if a woman is feeling self-satisfied, none of that matters and everything is perfect. 🙂
(Of course, most men are the same!!)
Jamila says
Hello Gail,
I am trying to figure out how to deal with the problems/stories itself. I read about the way to stop stressing about it, which I love and will definetly try to follow (by stepping away of the stories itself, and purely accepting the sensations in my body).
But still the problems/stories itself will need attention too, to solve it… which means thinking about them again…or is it like you have to try to think about the problem without the emotion attached to it? As if you are advising a friend about his/her situation; with logic loving advice, but free of attachment to the problem? What is your advice for this?
Besides that, i would love to hear from you about a thing i am really struggling with. Which is waking up (at night and in the morning), and right away i start thinking about my problems. It’s like my mind/brain start to search for the problems, right after waking up, and i hate it so much, i hate the unhappy, heavy, depressing feeling it gives me. I want to wake up in peace, with happiness, not thinking about allll that is on my shoulders, all that is not okay in my life, all that needs attentions, all that will (or might) happen. It makes me to feel so tremendous heavy and it brings pressure to my brain/head, and i really hate it. I am trying my best to change it, like forcing myself to think about other things, or to mention affirmations, or literally repeating “don’t think about this now, don’t think about this now. Think about this later, in the daytime, when you feel much lighter”… it feels like my mind/brain has gotten so programmed/used to do this when i wake up, to bring up all the problems….do you have any advice on getting rid of this? Because i realize “problems” will always be there, it will never be perfect, so i really wish to find a way of dealing with that terrible morning/night anxiety. Thank you so very much.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jamila,
If the problem or story requires a solution, then take whatever steps are needed to solve it. I think you are asking – what do you do, what actions should you take? The wise answers to these questions don’t come from trying to solve the story. Once you let go of the story and meet the emotions with love and understanding, you will have greater clarity on the situation itself. Get quiet and see what answers, if any, arise from the space of being aware which is outside the story. I often find that there’s nothing left to solve – what I thought was a problem isn’t any more once I’ve taken care of my experience within. And sometimes I see that the best answer is to do nothing.
But I trust that you will know once the agitated mind quiets down and you listen deeply within.
Regarding your second question, I’m hearing a lot of resistance. You hate how you wake up and desperately want it to be different. As the saying goes, what you resist persists. The act of resisting gives the feeling power and reality.
Experiment with not hating the feeling that goes with the thoughts about your problems. Instead, welcome it, feel the sensations, tell yourself that the feeling can be here but that you’re not going to let it be in charge of your experience. Be kind and compassionate to the feeling – like a mother would be to her child.
You say you want to wake up in peace. Try waking up being peaceful with the experience that is present. Be peaceful with the thoughts and heavy feeling, but stay in your wise self as you start the day. You, your clear, free self, stays empowered instead of the feeling itself.
Welcoming everything means even the hard feelings. They can be present, but they don’t get to be in the driver’s seat. Try that out and see how it goes.
Jamila says
Thank you so very much for your reply. I was literally crying when I saw it, because it is my first time “reaching out to someone professional” about what I am dealing with, so getting such a long, caring reply really feels like a present, a gift, for me. I will try my best to apply what you said. Money problems, relationship problems, and the stress and pressure of basically running a hoisehold and raising 3 kids by myself while also working 4 days a week is making me having to deal with so much, and I often feel completely overwhelmed, stressed out and so far from having a life I enjoy…I came across your website last week, and i have been reading through the blog articles, and I feel like I found something so worthfull and useful.
I so much wish to have a free head, a light head. Because besides my shoulders and neck paining from tention, and having stomach aches when i am really nervous, I so often feel a big pressure in my brains, from all the (over)thinking and worries, like thoughts are CONSTANTLY going on there, so exhausting. When I am trying to focus on my body and the sensations in it, I find it difficult to get rid of that heavy feeling in my brain. But maybe it will get less once I start dealing with all the emotions the way you advice…
Well, the way I am writing to makes me to realize there is so much I want to get of my chest, and also it makes me to realize you feel like someone with whom this “personal information” is in safe hands. So thank you once again for your presence/posts/advice.
Gail Brenner says
You have so much going on, Jamila! And it sounds like you are making it through. I know you feel tension, but you are taking care of your family – good for you!
See if you can focus on giving yourself short breaks from all the tension. Sit or lie down comfortably, and take a few calming breaths with one hand on your heart and one on your belly. As you start feeling calmer, let that feeling go up into your brain to invite in even more relaxation. Let this be your anchor that you can always come back to.
Also, consider that you don’t need to solve everything in your thoughts. There is a natural intelligence to life beyond your thoughts that you can trust. Your thoughts are trying to protect you, but you don’t actually need them as much as they think you need them. You can acknowledge all the thinking – and say no thank you to it.
You are welcome to get things off your chest here, but please be aware that when you comment on a blog post, it goes public. If you are more comfortable with things being confidential, you might consider getting a journal that you write in every day.
Jamila says
Thank you once again Gail, appreciate it so much, and besides that- what you are saying really resonates with me.
Overthinking/worrying is for me a way of feeling like I have some kind of control over all that needs to be solved, taken care of, etc… Fake control, I know, and it is not really serving me, but going through the problems in my head, gives me a feeling of at least having them all in sight, of not forgetting about something important which will let the situation even get more out of hand or something… and some of the problems/worries require solutions from my side (I mean, some bills NEEDS to be paid) so I have to think and think and think about ways of coming up with the money, and when I cannot think about a solution, a couple of hours later I have to think and think and think again.. I hate it so much, it leads to my brain never feeling free, light..always heavy with thoughts and worries spinning around…But yeah, I know I am repeating myself, and I understand that in order to think about the ‘problems’ with clearity, I should not attach them to the emotions…to just view them with logic, without fear or worry….I got things to work on, and I am very grateful I have some tools now to do that with.
Thank you once again!
Gail Brenner says
And maybe, in addition to thinking, experimenting with trusting the unfolding of things. Try this exploration: do you really think of the solution after all that thinking – or does it just appear? Is the thinking serving? Is it needed? Maybe if you relax, what wants to come to awareness will on its own…
And if you need to think, give yourself some breaks sometimes. Thinking takes you away from the present moment. Carve out some time to just be present – especially with your children.
Britt says
God bless you Gail !
I love you ❤️. It’s been a true blessing to come across your website and posts. You explain things in such a clear and loving way. I appreciate the patience you have to reply to posts lovingly. A lot of advice I’ve read here and from you can be a lot harder to put into practice but when I do I feel better. Actually, what I’ve learned is that being the space of Awareness and being the Observer can almost feel like work and vigilance, geez lol. It shows me just how automatic my ego and mind is. It takes conscious effort and awareness to kinda be aware and watch my mind and myself/behaviors. That’s a job in itself. However when I take a few moments to do, a lot of what I’ve learned here starts to make sense experientially. It’s like once you start to watch the mind and the chatter there’s a Peace underneath it all and even my body starts to feel more at ease and I feel different.
Gail Brenner says
This is so right on, Britt! Just keep returning to the space of awareness. Let it be gentle and joyful…