“Love says ‘I am everything.’ Wisdom says ‘I am nothing.’ Between the two, my life flows.”
~Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
The most transformative thing you could ever do is remember who you are. I don’t mean the āyouā who you think you are or the one defined by the roles you play or the masks you wear. Not the one who is driven by fear, insecurity, or need. But the real you ā pure, shining, precious, whole, undamaged, undefended.
Do you have the courage to find your way back to your Self?
Recognizing Your Self
You will know when you get there, even if for an instant, and here are the signs. You let go of conflict and confusion. You are lovingly present with things just as they are. You are enthused by creativity, wonder, life itself.
Your personal needs and wants fade in importance, and you find yourself being effortlessly generous and available. With a full and open heart, you let the conditioned patterns and tendencies that have defined you wind down. They are old news, anyway, and don’t serve a purpose anymore.
There is space to express yourself in any way you are called to do so. You listen to life, to love, āHow am I moved? How am I to be used?ā And you respond with ease. You use your skills, capabilities, and gifts in the service of the truth as it appears in you.
You are empty of beliefs, troubles, and the need to control, yet you are amazingly full and overflowing.
You may not be living in this remembrance of Self, but it resonates because it is true. And here is your task:
- Bask in the glow of knowing your Self in those moments when the light shines through
- Untangle the patterns that veil the truth of your Self.
It’s so simple. If this is all you ever do, you will have lived a blessed life.
How We Forget
We all develop false identities so that we can survive in the world. We learn to seek approval or create a certain image that we show to the world or take a stand as independent or defiant. We strive for money, power, control, or love.
And it is so understandable why we do this. Early on in life, we get the message that who we truly are is unacceptable. We shouldn’t feel the way we feel, we should think and act in ways that will please those around us. We learn to suppress ourselves, to ignore and avoid our natural longings so we can feel safe and loved.
And what is the result? Confusion, alienation, separation, and massive discontent. This is how we lose our way.
Some examples: a young girl needing to hide her feelings and wear the mask of being good and sweet so she doesn’t add to her parents’ stress; another being told a dark family secret and needing to pretend that everything was fine; a young boy growing up in the chaos of ongoing verbal abuse with no space to express his feelings; any child with an alcoholic parent who can’t be there to listen, support, and guide.
These situations leave us trying so hard when all we want is to be happy, to rest, to let go of all the effort of trying to be or to get. We want to know who we really are before all the veils, patterns, and strategies have been applied.
The Way Home
The trail of breadcrumbs back to our Selves is always available ā we just need to learn how to recognize it. Moments of joy and contentment, the flash of a creative idea, an inner knowing that cannot be denied, a fleeting sense of being connected to all of life, a realization of love so huge that it seems impossible to contain.
When you notice these experiences, stop and let yourself revel in the celebration. You are home!
And then there are the breadcrumbs of another sort. These call us to be honest, investigate, study how our conditioning works, be vigilant so we can choose wisely. Some examples: being caught in the whirlwind of a habit; recognizing the ways you avoid and defend; becoming aware of a consistent pattern in choices you make that don’t serve you; general unhappiness.
If you use these experiences well, you see them clearly with open eyes. You are willing to change and let go. You see them as a reflection of the ways you are veiled, and you stay true to your intention to remember your Self.
In truth, you are never stuck. Being stuck is a frame of mind, unwillingness, a strategy of self-protection. What seems stuck is always ready to soften, and all it takes is your kindness, your clear intention, your willingness to put down all the weapons of defense and rest in things as they are.
Blessed Remembrance
When you touch into who you really are, there is a recognition. Oh, I remember. That’s who I am. We meet ourselves like a long-lost friend.
Just for a second, drop everything, like a hot potato. You can always pick it up again. Let yourself be in no-mind, no-story, no-attachments, no-needs, no-beliefs. Be clear and unidentified. You just might find what you’ve been searching for your whole life.
Do you remember? Do you forget? I’d love to here…
Nishi says
I am so inspired and moved by this post, so much so i am actually commenting on it, something I’ve never done here before. It resonates deep within. But though I know and understand this should be easy to follow through, for me, I cannot do this, I don’t know why letting go this time around is so hard.
Thank you for this thought provoking post, Gail. It’s a light in the dark. Much love and gratitude to you.
Gail Brenner says
So happy to see you here, Nishi, and thank you for your comment.
Actually, my experience is not that the remembering is easy. So feel free to let that belief go and be very kind to yourself as you alternate between remembering and forgetting.
We long to remember in the face of decades of very strong conditioning. Let’s honor this conditioning – because it is here – and make space for the possibility for it to unwind.
Sending love…
Tdill says
Hello. Please allow me to talk to you about my problems. I have no money and no one to talk to but I feel itās pointless too. Hereās my problem. And I read your article on true self love. (Hello I read a article about anxiety can be because your not being my true self and for the past year Iāve been in a literal nightmare of depression and jealousy and anxiety because I started questioning everything and now I cannot and I mean cannot even THINK BASIC THINGS OR LIKE MOST THINGS OR BELIEFS WITHOUT FEELING OVERWHELMING FEELING THAT IM NOT MY TRUE SELF AND AM FAKE AND IT WONT GO AWAY BUT I CANT GET HELP CAUSE I FEEL WEONG THINKING ABOUT IT AND I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE IN NOTHINGNESS CAUSE THATS A PREMADE BELIEF AND IT FEELS WRONG. IM IN A CONSTANT STATE OF INCERTANTY. I CANT EVEN SMILE WHILE SEEING OR DOING SOMETHING OR DO MOST THINGS WITHOUT FEELING LIKE ITS ONLY A MASCULINE THING OR FEMININE THING AND WHEN I TRY TO LIKE SOMETHING MASCULINE I FEEL LIKE ITS FAKE SANE GOES FOR FEMININE THINGS BUT HERES THE WORST PART I CANTVEVEN TRY TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT ARE BOTH OR NEITHER! Thereās three main parts to my problem that canāt go away. 1. Race 2. Just me not being meant for most things I want or can think of. And 3. Feeling like everything is masculine or feminine yet I canāt be neither or one. I literally canāt look around at things thinking there pretty or cool or stupid) i canāt enjoy any moment
Gail Brenner says
Hello Tdill
All the problems you are describing have the same root – they come from believing the content of your thoughts. I know it sounds radical to not believe your thoughts, but they are all negative, constricting, shrinking, and don’t accurately define you or anyone else.
You may not be able to change your race, but you can change the way you think about race. And you not being meant for most things – this sounds like a belief system that you picked up from how someone treated you in the past. You may THINK it’s true, but in actuality, it is not a fact that you are not meant for most things. Find the things that you are meant for and begin to move your life in that direction.
Being in conflict about masculine or feminine is a dustbowl of thoughts that keeps you from being present now. Instead of swirling there, take a conscious breath and use your senses to feel into the moment. Without evaluating or judging, what do you see, what is it like to touch something or have physical sensations, what sounds do you hear, what is it like to taste.
Start small to get little bits of relief from all this negative thinking. It won’t give you the solution to these problems. Go get a piece of chocolate. Look at it, and savor it as you eat it slowly. Find little ways to appreciate the present moment. I know you can do it!
Sending love and a big hug….
A.m.w says
Hello,I’m starting on my journey to find my true self.i forgot who she is and I don’t even know if she had the chance to emerge.childhood was rough for me.my first memories filled with witnessing bad violence and alcohol abuse on regular that’s when I first felt extreme fear and helplessness.then the other one that sticks out is at age 7 being tampered with by a close relative,this is when I closed up shop and built my solid wall around myself where no1 was getting in or near me again.the mask I wore as decoy allowed me to float thru life looking normal but with no meaningful connections.30 years later I start to have flashes of enlightment that lead me to Google the words or thought that would pop in my head.ive learnt my wall was built with fear it helped to keep everything out but I got lost myself in there.the trail behind me mirrors what I been hiding from.im ready to bust this wall and reclaim all my misplaced pieces rebuild discover embrace.thank u for ur article it totally clicked with me ā¤ļøā¤ļø
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, AMW! Offering infinite support for this profound movement toward healing…
Renee says
Everyone knew I was different but not why. Two weeks ago I found out I have Non-verbal Learning Disability. I wanted to call you and ask how do I have peace when I have something like this?! Today I have peace with myself for the first time ever, exactly as I am. The key for me was knowing myself and then accepting what I know about myself. In just two weeks my life has changed. What I could not do before, I do today. What I cannot imagine doing tomorrow, I know I will find a way to compensate. Now self-awareness and peace are possible for me.
Gail Brenner says
Renee,
My heart is so full, and I am celebrating with you. You took a potential problem – a diagnosis of a learning disability – and somehow it has been used for your liberation. In the acceptance of things as they are – and not resisting – who knows what is possible? Certainly consider the possibility of no limits.
Yes! Self-awareness and peace are possible for you, and for all of us. Thanks for showing us the way.
Jerryy redwhiteblue says
Hi, Gail. I’m going through a tough time right now. For the past year, I’ve been someone I’m not. I know it, and my friends all know it. They’ve tried helping me. They have texted me and said “Be your own self! Don’t be your brother, don’t be him, just you!” I just don’t know how to do that anymore. I don’t think my friends have anymore tricks and I don’t know if I’ll find the real me again. I need your help. Can you give me some advice?
Gail Brenner says
I don’t think this is about tricks or magic, Jerry. The ball is in your court. So here are some questions for you to reflect on:
What keeps you from being yourself?
What gets in the way of you being the way you want to be?
What do you truly want?
Take the answers to these questions and be very conscious and intentional as you move through life and make decisions. This probably means slowing things down so you can see what urges come up in you, then move from awareness and what you really want. Remember what you really want for yourself, then make choices according to that.
Sharon says
I remember and I forget. I am in awe whenI remember than at times I get lost until I find my way back again. A beautiful article, made me stop in my tracks and take pause about being so tense about the day feeling the pressure of what I want to and need to get done.
Namaste
Namaste
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Sharon.
I’m glad this article triggered remembrance in you. We are here to support one another. It’s so beautiful to feel your intention and receptivity.
Love to you…
jim says
It funny once we really start to find ourselves we start to remember interests of our youth.This is part of what has made us who we are.So sad many never discover themselves or who they were.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Jim.
You make a very good point. For most of us, when we are young, our interests aren’t yet covered up by fears, pressures, and self-doubt. So when these veils fall away, our natural interests have space to be seen. It’s a delight to discover what appears when we let go of beliefs and assumptions.
Andrew Olson says
Gail, this is a beautiful reminder that we all need from time to time. Finding the way back to that state of grace, where the SELF shines through, is one of the most powerful realizations one can make.
As you said: “If this is all you ever do, you will have lived a blessed life.” And nothing could be more true š
Gail Brenner says
It is a powerful realization, Andrew, when the Self shines through. It is the end of drama and the beginning of sanity.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Debbie@HappyMaker says
Wonderful Gail. You know as we get older, I believe we find it more easily to find our true self. Kind of like, “been there, done that, etc.” and we let the true self shine through. We are impressed with the social aspect of life and more. We feel comfortable in your own skin. Life is to live looking forward and not worrying about what someone may say or think.
thanks for the reminder
Blessing Debbie
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Debbie.
When we are caught in worrying about what other people may say or think about us, we have momentarily forgotten our true nature. I share your experience, that as we age, the layers of conditioning fall away more easily, leaving the space for the true self to shine.
David says
Hi Gail,
Delightful. And you know what, I believe that I am actually getting there. Peel back the layers, it’s amazing what you find underneath.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
So sweet, David. Sometimes it takes courage to peel back the layers, because we don’t know what we will find. But as you relate, what we discover is amazing – everything we ever longed for.
Love to you…
paul mckay says
What you wrote here is all so insightful and true, as usual, Gail. I look at everything through a theological lens since I’m a clergyman, and your words immediately brought to mind Thomas Merton, the great monk and writer whose prolific body of work was always grounded in his belief that God put us here to be the honest to God individuals that God created us to be. Our honest to God self gets so covered over by the mask we put on, the habits and attachments we cling to, the fears and insecurities we compensate for with power and control over others (or under others). Merton always brilliantly connected all his deep thought and theology to another great teacher (who never wrote a word except whatever it was he wrote in the sand that frightened the phony power and control freaks) who famous said “the truth shall set you free.” That begins with letting go of all the false identities and “stuff” and being the genuine, honest-to-God you. Love the quote from Maharaj. You always pick the coolest quotes.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Paul,
Thank you for mentioning Thomas Merton. He is so articulate in his writings about our true nature.
It can be very useful to see the masks, habits, attachments, fears, insecurities, etc. Once they are brought out into the light, we become conscious of them and they no longer drive our behavior. Then there is space for the Self to shine. And we know in our own experience that the truth can set us free.
Nal says
This article is just so beautiful!!
Gail Brenner says
Sounds like you have found your way back to yourself, Nal. Enjoy! Thank you so much for stopping by.
Galen Pearl says
Your last paragraph reminded me of Bruce Lee’s philosophy of martial arts and of life. No way as way.
I agree with Debbie that as we get older, it gets easier to drop the story and just be ourselves. And yes, it is blessed.
Gail Brenner says
I love that Taoist way of looking at things, Galen – the pathless path, seeming to go somewhere only to arrive at the place we never left. These are amazing koans that point the way home.
Yes, definitely one of the benefits of aging is the natural tendency to drop our masks and stories. It makes life so much more enjoyable and relaxing!
I always appreciate your stopping by.
Sibyl says
Gail: This was a really powerful post. It can really be challenging to really communicate with words what is meant to actually find our way back to our true self and live as who we really are. I thought you did a really amazing job in this post of showing us what that really means and pointing us in the right direction. It is such an amazing insight and once you find your way back to it you realize there really is a different way to live. Thanks so much for the wisdom and insight. I always love hearing your thoughts.
Gail Brenner says
And I always love hearing your comments, Sibyl. There is a momentum created when more and more beings know their true nature and live from that place, and I’m so glad for you that you have realized that there is a different way. May that momentum spread everywhere….
jonathanfigaro says
Rene Descartes said, ” Know thyself.” I think when you know who you are. You are more well EQUIP with handling life challenges BIG or SMALL. We must put love first in all we do. When we do this, we win in all aspects of LIFE!
Gail Brenner says
Love first – that says it all, Jonathan. When we lead with love, we do know ourselves, and we live by the ultimate guideline that tells us exactly what to do.
You have a marvelous enthusiasm that I’m sure infuses your whole life and transmits to people around you. Beautiful to see…
Linda Wolf says
Gail,
As always, your ideas and words strike such a cord for me – I have been exploring this idea of genuine self for a long time, and you articulate the process of obscuration and revelation so nicely here. I love finding kindred spirits and thinkers, and am always amazed at your insights.
Thank you!
Linda
Gail Brenner says
Great to see you over here, Linda! I also love how we are all here to help and support each other to discover that who we are – the true self – is who we have always been. As you say so beautifully, it is obscured, then revealed.
Trish Crew says
Gail, I’m struggling with mental illness. I have one, figuaratively, from being in a wheelchair to walking with 2 canes. So I move slowly. I want to be my real self, but I have this label that I have slapped on myself of defective, not whole, struggling to have what everyone else has. Can you give me a hint as to how to start uncovering myself?
Gail Brenner says
Trish,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt sharing and question. You have asked the ultimate question, and I am certain that you are not alone in it.
From what I can gather, you have already started uncovering yourself. First, you have a longing to know your real self, and second, you are aware of the labels you have slapped on yourself. If you are not these labels of defective, not whole, and lacking, then who are you? This is the essential question to contemplate.
My suggestion would be to get to know very well these identities that you have taken to be your self. For example, what does defective mean? Is it a series of thoughts you say over and over in your mind? Is it accompanied by sensations lodged somewhere in your body? Is this pattern you call defective serving you? What would it be like to befriend “defective,” bringing to this pattern a heart filled with love, compassion, and friendliness?
As I mention in the post, uncovering yourself is a two-fold endeavor. First, notice when you are at peace, relaxed, whole – when you have forgotten that you are defective and lacking. I suspect you will find many moments of this freedom throughout the day. Make the space for these moments to expand and infuse more of your experience. Second, investigate these identities. Be like a scientist or explorer and study them. Then when they appear in your awareness, embrace them without continuing to tell yourself the sad and lacking story.
Many of the posts on this blog could serve as a support for you. Click around in the archives, but most importantly, take what you read and apply it wholeheartedly to your own experience. Be willing to consider that these identities are not true. Contemplate the freedom of not living your life according to them – or any identities. Follow happiness, and listen to your heart. It might be singing already, but you just haven’t listened yet.
We are all here as a support for you. Oceans of love to you…
Trish Crew says
Thank-you, Gail. I tried when I read your blog post, to let all the worries just melt off my shoulders. I did feel free, just for a moment, until my owl mindset took over again. I did this at my desk, and I wonder, if I only did this at my desk, that I would get stronger and able to do it more often throughout my day.
Thanks for your advice and counsel. I enjoy your take on life and I am glad you are writing this blog.
Trish Crew
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much, Trish – I appreciate your kind words.
You did an experiment and discovered something very interesting: letting go and feeling free means not having a negative critical mind in charge of your experience. When you let the worries melt, here is freedom, right here!
You start by dipping a toe into the ocean of freedom, again and again, and eventually you are ready to dive in and let it take you. What a beautiful journey you are on!
J. K. Rahn says
I am different from most in ways that I think good. But, that can make for a lonely life so I very early learned to be the person “they” wanted while enjoying a private “me” life.
I love the way you clarify what true self looks like and am encouraged to discover that retirement has given me back much of what I had lost. Without a job and all the bending that takes to be successful, I am relieved of much pretending. Also, with age comes the realization that others, for the most part, only have the control over me that I allow. Also, the gift of self is of much more value than the “gift” of hiding that self to supposedly fit in better.
Thank you for this post and for helping me to understand more clearly some of the advantages I have gained with passing years.
Gail Brenner says
It’s such a pleasure to hear from you again, Rahn. A couple of other people have mentioned how the true self becomes more transparent with aging. As you say, less bending, less pretending. And along with this, the dropping away of fears about what others think. When any fears subside, there is space for reality to shine through.
Even though aging can support reclaiming the true self, as you have so beautifully expressed, there is no need to wait and hope. At any moment, anyone of any age can investigate the veils that hide reality and see what is revealed when they soften. In fact, we can try dropping all of it and see what happens.
I’m so happy for you that the division of your “self” has fallen away and that your inherent wholeness has been discovered.
Beth says
This section woke me up from a sleep I knew I was in. I am young, and I have watched myself go through the phase of putting on that mask. I do remember myself, I remember what I loved only a few long years ago that I pretend to not care about now. I remember my own values and beliefs, and unfortunately I remember wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” Well, the answer to that is nothing. I wish to find myself again. I’m terrified of the journey to be honest- I mean, what if I forget or find it hard to stay on track and remember? I worry that it will be something I have to try to hard to accomplish… Well, and a whole lot of confusing emotions. I guess fear is one if the main things I need to let go of, though. Anyway, thank you for this post, you’ve helped to show me the way.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Beth, and thank you for your heartfelt comment.
It sounds like your mind is giving you some trouble – creating fear-filled thoughts that worry about the future. This is all mind, and these thoughts are not reliable. The solution is so simple: all you need to do is recognize presence in the moment. There is no staying on track – just choose presence, peace, freedom now…now…now.
You are already on the journey, and your honesty shines through so brightly. The sweetness of you is so apparent that it almost seems odd that you believe you have forgotten. Just for a split second, put your fear to the side and see what remains. It’s you! You are transparent, open, completely fulfilled.
Much love to you….
Milly says
Dear Gail.
Where to start…
Like some situations mentioned in your article, I grew up poor so never dared to ask for dance lessons (though my older sister enjoyed any activities that she wanted) myself and my other middle sister suffered much verbal abuse and some violence from our mother (father was absent).
Nevertheless I was creative and refrained from vices for many years despite immense pressure from peers. Eventually in my late twenties I weakly succumbed and began drinking and smoking because I was tired of being the outsider. I wish that I had been stronger. Perhaps I would not have sunk into severe depression. At worst I thought I was going to be a baglady (through not paying the rent for ages, I couldn’t work). Suicide was never an option for me. Gradually though I began to get better bit by bit but even now, at least 10 years later, I still feel useless (to myself, I’m very helpful to others when needed).
I’m so glad that I came across your article.
Once in a while I have a good idea and two weeks ago I even wrote a little children’s story. Because of your article I’m going to send it to publishers. It might be rejected but at least I’ll have tried.
I have thought of myself as undeserving for so long for no good reason. I wish no harm upon anyone and I’m not judgemental. It’s time I held myself in higher esteem but so far I suppose I haven’t perhaps because of the verbal abuse I suffered for many years.
Your article has shown me that it’s ok for me to be nice to myself and for that I am truly grateful, thank you.
Best wishes Gail.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for your beautiful sharing, Milly.
I love that you are learning to trust yourself again. Your thoughts may tell you that you are lacking or not good enough, but you are discovering that who you are is beyond those limits. Let yourself be fearless, or if fear is present, don’t let it hold you back. We all benefit when you let your full, brilliant self shine.
Simona says
Dear Ms Brenner ,
I have just discovered your blog and reading this article has brought a certain peace of mind and relaxation which I have experienced a few times reading personal development articles or books.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Simona. I’m so glad this article brought you to discover peace of mind.
D. Walk says
Hi Gail,
Thank you for your post. I am normally quite content, creative, open and listen to the universe for where it may want me to head next.
I often find myself giving answers or help to others but at the moment and past few months need that help myself. I’m lost as to what to do next and find that of who I am.
I have forgotten and am very disolusioned but my life and the direction I’m heading. I have my own business and thought it was the way to go in the future for my soul on this physical plane. But the very difficult challenges and near business collapse of late have me what seems like frozen in time. How can I kick start my true life purpose and lift this veil of darkness and confusion.
Thank you in advance and bless you.
Gail Brenner says
Hi D.
Sometimes things need to collapse to make the space for something new. I don’t know if your business problems mean that’s not the right path for you or just that things are challenging sometimes. Keep going back to what you know to be true for you – and that knowing may be just in the moment. You may not have a sense of the big picture. Keep checking in and listening. Stay close to your truth in the moment – not what your mind tells you but your inner knowing. Surrender and let life take you.
Genesis says
Thank you, this really opened my eyes, it helped me remember who i am… even if for a little instant
Gail Brenner says
So glad for this! xo
Rachael says
I really appreciate your effort in this post “thanks for helping me find the courage to come home” .The thing is I actually want to get a piece of advice from you let’s say I am this outgoing, social and believe me not a shy type but currently after meeting someone I started falling out. I knew I was a positive influence to the person but I don’t know what the person actually added to my life even though I know the person is actually a good one but at the moment feel like distancing myself from the person because I couldn’t understand myself again. I always thought about the person like all the time but didn’t want to talk. That’s the problem I kind of find myself avoiding the person. I just don’t know what else to say. But I know this isn’t me. I really want myself back and don’t know what to do.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Rachael,
Start turning inward toward yourself and your own experience, and don’t give so much attention to the events of the world and other people. There is an inner intelligence and clarity within you that can help you navigate life. Take conscious breaths, get quiet, and let yourself connect with the wisest place in you. And as you do this be very kind to whatever arises.
Daniel imai says
Hi I’m having trouble. I feel as if I’m not correct in the ways I believe things. I’m constantly trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong with what I think and believe. I’m worried about what had happened to me in the past and can’t seem to get my mind in control again. It feels awful and I can’t seem to break my habit of going in circles in my head. Do you have any advice? Thank you
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for your question, Daniel. It sounds like fear is driving the thought process that you describe. All sticky thought patterns are driven by an underlying emotion, so opening to that emotion is often helpful. I suggest you go through the archives here because I’ve written a lot about thoughts and feelings. Here’s one that might help: https://gailbrenner.com/2018/08/wise-kind-relationship-feelings/
You may have more questions – feel free to ask.
angel chen says
this is written so beautifully! thank youu soo much. ā¤