“The work of the eyes is done. Go now and do the heart-work on the images imprisoned within you.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke
If the world out there doesn’t feel safe and welcoming to you, if you can’t be peaceful inside no matter what you try, then you may want to take a look at what you’re attached to.
What is it like to be attached? You want someone or something outside yourself to give you what you think you need to feel happy, whole, or peaceful.
- You can’t feel happy unless others respect, love, or approve of you;
- You’re waiting for someone to apologize so you can be at peace;
- You think your contentment in life depends on the right job, relationship, or family situation;
- You expect other people to listen to and understand you—and you get upset when they don’t.
Unpacking the experience of attachment, here’s what we realize. We’re caught in a story of what we lack—waiting and hoping for a particular outcome—and if we don’t get it, we’re disappointed, frustrated, or dejected.
We end up feeling like a victim, putting our precious happiness in the hands of something we can’t control—what other people say or do and the circumstances of our life situation. Sound familiar?
So how to find freedom from being attached to outcomes you can’t control?
If you want to be happy (and who doesn’t?), let’s bring a fresh perspective to the struggle with attachment. And it has to do with opening fully to what is arising in our own present moment experience.
As Einstein wisely said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
The new level of consciousness that is needed is to forget about looking out to the world, hoping to get the love or apology you think you need. That’s how being attached is rigid and limiting.
Instead, turn your attention inward to your inner experience to be curious about what’s actually arising in you. Then you’ll notice opportunities for compassion, understanding, and freedom.
Because the sense of being stuck is actually in you, and not in the circumstances of the world outside of you.
Look to your thoughts to identify the story you’re telling yourself about what you’re missing that you think you need. This is the core of the attachment—and the story, playing like a loop in your head—that reflects back inside to ignite the feelings of sadness, frustration, and despair.
If you’re focused only on the outer circumstances, all you will notice is what you aren’t getting and the sense of lack that brings. But turn your attention inward, and worlds open up. You’ll find emotions and feelings in your body that are waiting for your loving attention.
Notice the emotional pain you’ve been living with of not getting what you think you need. For many of us, it points to a younger part—the sorrow of you as a child who didn’t get the love and care you needed.
Now you’ve discovered the underlying root of the problem—the emotion that’s been lying here unexplored. Be aware of it, love it, breathe with it, and let it be present. This is how the knot of the attachment starts to soften.
You stop justifying the pain and waiting for someone to change to find resolution…and instead form a friendly and loving relationship with your own experience. In turning toward the longing for something you don’t have, you’ll find that the inner peace you’ve been searching for is available now.
And you might even notice new options appearing—inspired by compassion—for how to meet the other person or situation that was previously the source of your trouble.
It’s an incredibly kind way to be.
The painful feeling of not getting what you think you need will probably return many times, but each time is an opportunity to lovingly welcome your inner experience.
Being attached to an outcome you can’t control creates division that reinforces the idea that you’re separate and lacking—and it just doesn’t feel good. Turning toward what arises in you invites a return to wholeness that includes everything.
Instead of living in lack, you discover acceptance, celebration, and the simple joy of being alive.
Craig says
Hi Gail. Another wonderful reminder from you and particularly fitting for me at this time. But then wanted what we don’t have is universal and certainly goes way back to our earlier years. You are a great example, a master of kind Ness who has done the work. Hope to see you Wednesday. Craig
Maureen Moeller says
Gail, the concept of attachment has been my struggle for 65 years. Going within is not complicated, just a challenge when conditioned thoughts are strong and so sure of their righteousness. Remembering to reach inside and embrace those emotions of sadness, anger and abandonment to let them know they are acknowledged and then let them go is a deeply intimate moment with our true selves. Imagine our divided country being healed through this simple, self loving gesture. I love your work, your approach to living a soulful, peaceful life and your gentle encouragement.
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, Maureen! Yes, when we go in and open to the emotions, the thoughts begin to lose their power. I hear that attachment has been the mind’s struggle, but that You are here living a soulful, peaceful life…