“The essence of philosophy is that a man should so live that his happiness shall depend as little as possible on external things.”
~Epictetus
I have made a very interesting discovery. Whenever I have a reaction to anything – a person or situation, something someone says or does, I am attached. I am holding a belief or expectation that things should go a certain way or that a given outcome should occur. I want what I want, and in that attachment, I suffer.
The Fallout from Being Attached
I recently spoke to a very frustrated friend who had just discovered a big computer glitch. Our conversation revealed many attachments she was holding – that things that are working should stay the same, that programs shouldn’t have bugs, that her schedule for the day shouldn’t be interrupted because of this.
Sanity returned as she saw how these attachments were causing her to resist the reality of the moment.
Simply said, when we make our happiness dependent on people, money, success, possessions, or circumstances, we suffer. Attachments are sticky. Our freedom goes out the window, and we react emotionally and maneuver to get what we want and reject what we don’t want. Oh, if only the world would cater to our personal desires.
Just for a moment, imagine being free of attachments. Things come and go, but you are stable and unmoving in the midst of it all. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. In fact, in the lack of clinging, you are free to care deeply. The most intimate state of being is devoid of the separation that attachment brings.
Are You Attached?
Chance are that whenever you find yourself in reaction, you are attached. You are looking through a lens of “me” – how I think things should be, what I think should or shouldn’t happen – and then reacting when things don’t go according to your plan.
Do you find yourself feeling frustrated, angry, scared, sad? Then you are probably attached. You are stuck and not available to the comings and goings of life. Consider exploring your attachments, and re-discovering freedom, with these potentially life-changing facts.
10 Life-Changing Facts
1. Attachments to people prevent us from examining ourselves. Clinging to someone in a relationship often masks an underlying sense of lack or unworthiness that can benefit from your loving exploration. Are you willing to take the focus off the other to see what thoughts and feelings are driving you?
2. Attachments to identities keep us stuck. Are you aware of any habitual ways in which you react emotionally? See if you can pinpoint the identity you hold about yourself. Maybe it doesn’t serve you anymore, and you can give yourself the freedom to respond with greater wisdom and awareness.
3. What often underlies attachment is a fear of not being in control. Can you befriend the unknown and receive things as they happen?
4. The root of many relationship problems is that people are attached to what others should say or do. Recognize when someone is attached to how you should be. Rather than resisting and creating conflict, stay grounded in yourself. Feel compassion for the other’s fear and confusion.
5. Attachment to possessions or money is all about fear. Have as many possessions as you want, but don’t stake your happiness on them. Do your possessions define you? Deeply contemplate losing them all, and realize that you don’t really own anything.
6. Attachment to wanting what you don’t have leads to interminable unhappiness. Can you shift your orientation to appreciate what is already here?
7. Being attached to your needs makes you a victim of circumstances. Do you really need what you think you need? Maybe you are stronger and more whole than you think.
8. Not being attached brings relaxation and ease. You no longer worry about losing what you have. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t excited about having something or sad about its loss. But your underlying peace is not disturbed.
9. Attachment to beliefs and ideas is like living in a small space with many walls. Everywhere you turn, you bump into one. Can you let yourself be vulnerable and open by abandoning your treasured beliefs?
10. When all attachments fall away, what remains is reality. When we see things without the veil of our attachments, we realize life – delicious, pure, luminous, and true.
What have you discovered about your attachments? What happens when you let them go? I’d love to hear…
You may be interested in a free e-book entitled,”Life Lessons: The Best Self-Reflections from 108 Bloggers” compiled by bloggers Abubakar Jamil and Farnoosh Brock. Just click the image to download.
Gail: I love this post and this has been my lesson this week. Your post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. It really is true that we can get attached to how we think things need to play out, but the reality is that what we really need to do is accept whatever comes our way and deal with it in the best way possible. Look for the lessons, look to be strengthened and always remember it doesn’t really impact at all who we are. Not sure if you watch Eckhart Tolle TV, but he has a great discussion on this topic this month. Thank you for your wisdom. As always, much appreciated.
I so appreciate your comment, Sibyl. It is loaded with wisdom. Attachments create drama, and if we accept, do our best, and “look to be strengthened,” we are much more aligned with our true nature.
As you write about so clearly here and on your blog, there is an easier way and it has to do with acceptance, non-attachment, and relaxing into who we are.
Crazy as it may seem, I kept thinking of a day of running errands with drivers that cut me off, almost hit me walking across a parking lot, etc. I was attached to going out on a beautiful 7o degree day and having everything happen just so. The first 5 minutes were an awakening that “the best laid plans . . . “. So, I kind of laughed and grimaced at the post, because of my own attachments this week. I have been working on not becoming attached to outcomes this year, so this post was particularly relevant. Thank you. A great way to end the week.
Your day sounds like the perfect teaching, Clare! But it seems like your attachment was rather light, as you were able to laugh at it.
Discovering our attachments isn’t the problem. It’s when we let them run wild without our conscious attention that creates trouble.
Great to hear that your year is about non-attachment – an inspiration to us all.
I agree with this on one level, but then think of all the great advancements of mankind. I think a lot of great people have been completely attached to outcome when they have pursued their goal. As a result they have contributed something to humanity while perhaps sacrificing their own happiness.
For those in the past, present and future who have sacrificed their own happiness for our benefits, we should be grateful.
Welcome to you, Max. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.
I hear your point about the benefits that have come from people being attached to their goals. And I am grateful for that. We all get to choose what is important to us in life, and not everyone chooses happiness. Although I wonder if the scientists and inventors who have produced great things were somehow happy. Creativity comes from relaxation into the source, so they may be more connected than we might think.
A provocative topic, and I appreciate you bringing it up.
This is a nice post about attachments. It’s amazing just how tied up in our lives we get from our attachments. Thanks for sharing.
Welcome to you, Jim. Yes, we easily can get tied up with attachments, and what is also amazing is that freedom is possible in any moment.
Gail,
Wow this may be my favorite post here ever! LOL maybe because I see myself in each one.
Where were you when my children were in their teens?
I went to MI for my birthday and to be with my 2 oldest daughters and grandchildren for 10 days. I can honestly say we had a great time because I dropped all attachment to anything I observed.
Let’s go shout no. 4 from the rooftops!
Tess, you are so humble. Anyone who knows you would know that you are the most loving, open, available person – not so attached, as far as I can see.
I love that you were able to drop your attachments. I’m sure you could have found opportunities to react to your children and grandchildren, if you wanted to. But you chose love, and in that, everyone benefits.
I am honored to call you a friend.
Fortunately I am not attached to “material” things with allows me to experience “adventure” and uproot. I cannot wait for another adventure and really want to do some Peace Corps work in the next five years. Another interesting post. I am attached to my blog though.
So great, Sonia. When you aren’t attached to material things, you are free to have adventures. Wonder what would happen if you were less attached to you blog???
I love this post. I especially like “Chance are that whenever you find yourself in reaction, you are attached. ” This really makes me realize that is much broader than I have thought in the past.
It also makes me realize that attachment is the outward manifestation of so many companions such as fear or lack of self value and love. So, the next time I find myself attached to something, it is a reminder to look a little deeper at the root cause.
Sounds great, Debbie. I am always a fan at looking deeper to discover the root cause. That’s where the freedom lies.
Thanks so much for your comment.
So many people have trouble managing their “attachments” properly and they create so much unnecessary trouble for themselves in the process.
Lovely post Gail.
And of course thank you very much for spreading the word about Life Lessons eBook.
Oh, I know, Abubakar, unnecessary trouble – there is so much of that. But wonderful to know that we can investigate our attachments, and in the process, find that we enjoy life even more.
I am happy to support the ebook. I appreciate the work that you and Farnoosh did, and there is so much great wisdom in it.
“I have made a very interesting discovery. Whenever I have a reaction to anything – a person or situation, something someone says or does, I am attached.”
You have discovered The Second Noble Truth: suffering arises with attachment to desires. It is one of The Four Noble Truths that are the foundation of Buddhism.
Well, yes, Mr. LK, but I must admit that is far from the first time I have discovered that truth. But this is important to see, that attachment causes suffering. It can be a turning point to realizing true happiness.
Gail, i like the way you respond. First acknowledging the problem and bringing up the positive about that worst situation.
Thank you, Ajmal!
Great post Gail. Right now I am dealing with some issues that are making me angry, that’s all I think about. I can see, from your post, that I am attached to these circumstances, needing them to be the way I want. I will be taking some time to look at those attachments and moving out of the small space I have created for myself.
Deb
Oh, I’m so glad this post came at just the right time, Deb. Yes, if you are angry, there have to be attachments of some kind. I am so happy for you that you have discovered what these attachments are. When we have the courage to tell the truth to ourselves, transformation is truly possible. We find our way out of the small self-created spaces and into the expansiveness of reality.
I read your blog regularly, and I really enjoy it. This post on attchment rang particularly true for me. I have worked for a while on reducing my possessions and taking each day as it comes, and I’m starting to be able to observe myself and step back and find some joy in the present. There is, however, one area I have great difficulty with and you described it in point #5: I am worried about not having enough money for the future. I have no debts and I have some savings, so I realize that this is some sort of fear about not being safe or not having the basic necessities or not having the freedom to do what I’d like to do at some point in the future. It’s not about showing off the money or buying fancy things, so I don’t think this want for money belongs in the “identity-enhancing” category. I don’t seem to be able to step back from this thought pattern at all. Any advice?
A warm welcome to you, Ruth. I’m so glad you enjoy this blog.
I am certain you are not the only one dealing with attachment to money and financial security. This pattern is all about fear. The only way I know of to move through this is to face the fear, meet it, and welcome it. I described in another post how at one time, I went through my whole house, and with each possession asked, “What if this was gone?” I did this over and over until it landed in me that all of this could go. Would my life change? Probably. Would I survive? Probably but I couldn’t be sure. But I did not want to be trapped by the fear about things disappearing. That was way more important to me than security.
This goes for the future also. Anything can happen. When we are truly open to receiving things as they come, we are in the realm of the unknown. There might not be safety as we know it, but I have found that surrendering into life and letting it take me is the most trustworthy way of being.
This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but this path, if your commitment is strong, is ruthless. Nothing gets to hide. But what you get is freedom – delicious, beautiful, truly awe-some.
I so appreciate the honesty of your question, and I’d love to hear your reaction, if you care to share it.
Gail, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I have been thinking about this some more, and, as I was re-reading my comment and your reply, I realized how differently be both used the word “freedom”. The freedom I wrote about, the one I fear not having at some point in the future if I don’t have enough money, is a conditional freedom – it depends on a certain number in a bank account, and it lies in the unknown future. The much truer freedom you write about is unconditional – it doesn’t depend on anything, and it can be found here, today. The “freedom” I talked about is actually not freedom at all, because it is keeping me trapped in fear!
When I look back at my life over the last few years, I don’t really regret any events or circumstances I encountered, but I do regret all the time I spent feeling anxious and worrying, which prevented me from enjoying it all. I need to remember this going forward. I want to feel that true, unconditional freedom, so I will explore my fear more in depth, hopefully realizing that being trapped in the fear is a far worse state to be in than anything that may or may not happen in the future. Thanks again for your insights.
Very intelligent discrimination, Ruth. Conditional “freedom” and unconditional freedom are entirely different. In fact, as you point out, imagined freedom based on certain conditions is not freedom at all. It remains a fear-based tendency.
I hear in you a true longing for peace. You may want to check out this post entitled, “Want to Let Go? Be Ruthless and Compassionate” as a support.
May your journey be a fruitful one.
Yes, indeed– I’ve been working on my own attachments recently, and trying to be aware of them while befriending the fear that underlies them. Some days are better than others, but the fear certainly becomes less petrifying when I take a good long look at it and welcome it for what it is.
Thanks once again for a lovely and timely post!
Hi WT,
I love hearing about your process and your willingness to explore so deeply. This inspires everyone. Thanks so much for sharing it.
My life lesson lately has been all about attachment and how it increases suffering. Attachment to stories I’m telling myself about an event, attachment to plans I’ve made that don’t work out, attachment to expectations that get disappointed, attachment to judgments from other people, attachment to my own judgments, attachment to fantasies. Oh, yes, my growth curve has been steep!
Thank you for another timely and inspiring post!
Hi Galen,
It’s so beautiful to hear how you are noticing these attachments. Yes, there is suffering in them, but you are conscious and willing to investigate them. And each time they fall away, there is happiness, peace.
Your journey sounds so very rich.
I love this post and am seeing it tied into my word of the year which is willingness. Attachment and expectations are the perfect areas to apply the concept of living with a willing spirit. Am I willing to let go? Am I willing to release a perception in order to be open to another one? Am I willing to release control and be in the moment? Am I willing to examine how and why I react the ways I do.
Thanks so much for giving me lots more to think about and explore when it comes to how and why I attach and how to release and allow. 🙂
I love your word of the year, Emma. Willingness…may we all be as willing as you describe.
With such a commitment to willingness, you are making the space for attachments to come to light and be dissolved into love, by love.
So great to hear from you….
Dear Gail,
This message could not have come at a better time for me. Thank you. I have been creating a “hell” for myself for the last six weeks when my husband and best friend of the last 13 years told me he had found his twin-flame, twin-soul through a correspondence on Facebook. Somehow I knew he was telling me the truth and his claim of finding his true soul-twin was accurate. Everything in me rebelled against this new information. I fought, denied, got angry, wallowed in deep saddnes and grief and much more, seeing the situation only from my perspective.
He was sensitive to my feelings as we both genuinely care for and love one another, but he also recognized that my feelings were mine, not his. As I struggled, he was patient but strong in his position and clear about his intentions to be with his true love.
As I have looked within at the reasons for the intensity of my feelings of loss and betrayal I have discovered how much of it was “old stuff” from prior relationships and even prior life experiences. The feelings coming up in me felt as though my very life depended on things going back to the way they were before he found Susan. I was that attached to our life the way it had been…safe, secure and loving. I discovered as I became more honest with myself, that these were my issues that hadn’t been resolved yet and had remained hidden until now.
A great clearing has been happening since. I am working to clear all my old business around rejection, betrayal and not being good enough. The emotions are subsiding enough for me to get some clarity about the overall situation, not just my perspective of it. I have seen how it is a part of my husband’s and his twin-flames destiny to come together at this time and my destiny to have this opportunity to bring up and clear hindering emotional baggage.
My desire is to always be in alignment with the greatest and highest good of All and this situation showed me how my attachments to what I wanted in my relationship with my husband, is keeping me from that alignment.
My inner work now is to see them both as the blessed beings they are to have found their true love/partner/mate. And to see myself as blessed for this opportunity to grow and expand my awareness and release attachments to my loved one, without withdrawing love for him. He understands and is supportive of whatever way I choose to proceed…leaving, or staying and exploring a ‘whole’ way of being with him and his soul twin.
I have ridden a roller-coaster of emotions and am exhausted from it. I welcome the peace that is settling within me and looking forward to exploring a new way of being in the state of love with others committed to the same exploration.
Thank you for this fine article…it described all that I was experiencing during these past weeks.
A warm welcome to you, Alexis.
Your clarity and compassion in these circumstances you describe is impressive and inspiring. I don’t doubt that you have been on an emotional roller-coaster, but you have taken this situation as a life lesson to “clear hindering emotional baggage” and see the blessings. It’s so beautiful to hear your true desire to release attachments without withdrawing love. This is true love.
Attached “love” is built on fear and need. Only when we release attachments to people and our ideas of them are we truly free to love.
The deep work of the kind you describe here ripples out to affect everyone. I appreciate that you chose to share your story and insights here.
May you rest in your true nature as love…
Hi Gail.
Our attachments leave us with a fake version of our life. We don’t get rid of them until some drastic event occurs, so they are almost like leeches absorbing our energy.
A few strong people can disconnect from attachments they had built up over time. The rest of the people are stuck in a situation where they will sort of, as Jay-Z said in a song, “always be in jail, just minus the bars”.
Attachments and routines that lack change are the reason people look back at some point and ask “where did the years go?”. They flew by because the attachments sucked away a good portion of motivation and willingness to take part in activities.
Shout outs to Gail representing for the topic of attachment.
So great to see you today, Armen!
You speak well of the energy-sapping power of our attachments. And I love that line: “always be in jail, just minus the bars.” That says it exactly.
You said that we don’t get rid of attachments until a drastic event occurs. I’m wondering if it’s possible to not wait for that drastic event, but examine them now, and be free. That would save a lot of trouble.
Big hug to you…
Hi Gail! Thank you for this post and a wonderful site.
I recently decided to address my attachment issues, well, only after discovering attachment was a huge root cause of my unhappiness and controlling behavior.
#7 really speaks to me, and I’ve found it’s truth. Once you sit back and decide to let go and just let things happen without holding them with a death grip, you find you are a lot stronger than you realize.
Hi Amanda – a warm welcome to you. So glad you stopped by.
I’m so happy for you that you have discovered the root cause of your unhappiness. That is taking a huge step toward happiness. #7 was that being attached to your needs makes you a victim of circumstances. This mindset sets up blame and shirking of responsibility. When we let go of attachment to our needs, we start to focus on ourselves. We discover what is holding us back and lovingly let these patterns unwind.
We are not going to find happiness in other people and circumstances. When we let go of our attachments, we start looking into our direct experience, which is where enduring happiness lies, waiting to be discovered.
Offering you so much support on your journey…
It was great to read this article.
I originally asked about what to do with the sadness to let go of my defected first car on Yahoo, which was about to die. I knew it made more sense to let go, but I was hesitating deeply. Then an answer said “it’s surprising how we are attached to our possessions”. I thought this was fundamental to my life, so, I searched attachment on Google. This posting is the first I found and read. Wow. That thought was right. These topic and guide are something I’ve semi-consciously – without talking to myself, only intuition – pondered upon for a right answer. I’ve always worried, even when I was five, if things would not go a certain way. Then few days afterwards, I could notice that things (stability of relationships) didn’t stay . I started having less interest in the social activity till now. The root of it was the panic-attack type of fear I was born with, judging from this article.
Thanks Gail, this gave me fundamental insights to myself and to other people.
Hi Seho,
I hear the lightbulbs going on as I read your comment! Your intuition is right on. When fear is the driver in our lives, we are bound to not feel peaceful and fulfilled. Letting go of everything – attachments, fear-driven habits – leaves the space for all that is true, right, and clear. And helps you to tap into the brilliance of you that is undisturbed, no matter what arises. What a beautiful journey you are on!
I am in the process of preparing to move from the house I am currently in for almost 50 yrs.
I have moments where I feel over-whelmed with anxiety. This is the biggest change in my life to date. I’ve been in the process of updating the house now for about a year and have grown more attached to it as improvements are made. Just when I think I can leave without an issue, I picture the day I will be driving away for the last time and worry I might have a meltdown as just thinking about it now causes me to feel like I’m not doing the smartest thing.
Coupled with that is I will be leaving relatives in this area behind. I can visit my mother currently with just a 20 min. drive. It will take me 2 days to travel back once I move. I also have siblings that are within a few hours drive and we have grown closer over the years as we age.
I definitely have a huge delimma with all of this.
Welcome to you, Drew. What a great situation you are in to explore attachments!
It sounds like you are moving on and making many changes. So it’s time to say “goodbye” to what was and “hello” to what is new. Otherwise, you will sit in this dilemma for a very long time.
You have a choice of seeing the glass as half full or half empty. You are fortunate to have lived in a home for 50 years that I am guessing you enjoyed, and you get to move now to a renovated home. And it sounds like you are close to your family. There is an abundance here that is not to be missed.
Don’t worry about having a meltdown. You either will or you won’t, and you can’t know until the time comes. And if you do, you will survive it.
There is a great freedom in non attachment – no dilemmas, no carrying the past into the present. It’s a choice you can make in any moment.
Enjoy yourself. In love and support…
Ignorance born ego
Ego born Attachment
Attachment born Suffering.
This is the universal truth belong to no one but all living being.
A little bit more attachment a little bit more suffering.
A little bit less attachment a little bit less suffering.
Cessation of attachment cessation of suffering.
With wisdom we can let go of ego and attachment.
There are so many way to get to wisdom and Mindful meditation is one of these.
Mindful meditation open our wisdom and let us understand that everything ” all living being and non-living being” are all under constantly dynamic state .So there is no such a thing as I,Mine,You, Yours,and we have nothing to attach for.
‘Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.’
Thank you for your poetic thoughts, Anthony.
When we are no longer attached – and we see through the one who thinks he is attached – that is freedom!
Bravo! ^_^
Interesting post. I have been working hard over the years to lose all attachments to people. I used to be attached to people when I was younger, until after years and years seeing others actions, It finally clicked that people only care about themselves. Attachment to people only set me up for failure in relationships because I expected something (caring, politeness, love, etc) in return. Even if people are doing something “good” (feeding homeless, etc), they are only doing it to satisfy their own egos. Not being attached to anyone is the best outcome. Seeing people die, I have observed others and knowing that you will be gone soon, people easily forget about you and will. Once I realized that I am the only one I can count on AND the fact that I am just a tiny invisible ant on this planet, it made life a lot easier to lose all attachments to people and things.
Welcome to you, Nobody. I might add that when we’re not attached to things being a certain way, we’re available to deeply accept how they are right now. This includes people, too. The result for me is greater clarity about situations I do and don’t want to be in and the ability to love freely without expecting anything back.
Hi Gail,
I’m in my late 20s. and throughout this decade, it keeps happening with me, where I find a person, get attached to her, confess my feelings and get rejected.
After 1-2 years I realize how foolish I was because now if I look back, I think how could I even like that person !
Problem is this cycle keeps on repeating. Even currently, I’m feeling attached to someone I met just a couple of months back and I’m finding it very difficult to hold my so called ‘feelings’ toward her.
It’s like dying every time for yet another person.
I wish to get out of this cycle & unite with one person who can be with me for lifetime – I don’t know if I have met such a person yet.
Please help . What should I do – because this attachment has made me temporarily crippled. I find it hard to carry on with my normal routine that includes learning new things. It feels like everything has come to a standstill.
Hello Somebody,
My sense is that you need to look at the roots of this pattern because it runs in you so strongly. My suggestion would be to work with a local professional counselor so you can begin to understand what underlies this pattern. What beliefs about yourself and others are behind your need to attach? What messages did you get from your childhood that keep you connecting with people who aren’t the right ones for you? What makes you idealize people so you attach, when they’re not truly the right person for you? I hear your pain. I don’t have a simple answer to your question, but I encourage you to keep exploring it.