“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Are you closed, defensive, or shut down in any area of your life? If so, then you know how to suffer. Here’s the recipe:
- Don’t be open to new perspectives
- Be unwilling to question your thoughts
- Don’t try to think and act differently
- Stay attached to your emotions and your need to be right
- Fight for your right to continue being a victim
- Resist getting help
- Refuse to change
Not Necessarily Stuck
Suffering is inevitable in our human journey. We all experience challenges as we grow up. You learn strategies and develop beliefs that protect you when you are young, but ultimately don’t serve you.
You get conditioned to avoid, rebel, and mold yourself to please others.
And you act out patterns, unconsciously, without recognizing their origin. You might even wear them like a banner, defending your position and denying your need to change. This is the nature of being human, which touches into so much compassion for the tenderness of it all – in ourselves and others.
But here’s the clincher:
Suffering may be inevitable, but being stuck in suffering is not.
It’s miraculous that you can bring your attention into your inner world, question your thoughts and investigate the reality of your feelings, and discover that freedom is here – so close and available.
It’s amazing that it is possible dispel the distorted ideas and the needs and fears that drive you. And it all begins with openness.
Openness breathes fresh air into the stale cave of your conditioned habits.
The Value of Openness
You might be holding onto your habits like a cloak, but openness invites you into the purity of your heart prior to any conditioning. It suggests the possibility of being free of patterns and identities. It paves the way for returning to wholeness.
When you are open, you don’t assume anything to be true. You are innocent, like a baby. Humble and available. You are interested in inner reflection, and you lead from curiosity. You experiment and explore.
You can receive teachings and intelligent advice. You shed ideas and attachments to discover the freedom that lies underneath them.
Opening to Resistance, Too
Openness may be the key to your happiness, but resistance needs to be respected. If you find yourself unwilling and stuck, can you open to that as well?
Be kind and accepting of yourself even when your heels are dug in and you refuse to budge. Let yourself be as you are in your defensiveness without adding another layer of resistance.
Feel what it’s like to be closed to its very core. Be totally stuck without the story of being stuck. Opening to this raw experience is the path back to yourself.
Openness is a virtue, and this virtue will set you free.
Where are you closed and stuck? Where are you open? I’d love to hear…
Noch Noch says
Suffereing – and what we learn from it I suppose, is how to unstuck ourselves. once i had a mindset of “what does the universe want to tell me through my depression”, i started looking for ways to become unstuck. and i learnt my lesson, of compassion towards others and to myself…
Noch
Gail Brenner says
Hi Noch,
Your asking that question – “what does the universe want to tell me through my depression” – is a tribute to your openness. To ask that question means to not know, to be curious. I’m not surprised that it helped you not be stuck. And I love the answer: compassion. It comes full circle – the reason for suffering is to open our hearts even further.
The Vizier says
Hi Gail,
Well said. “Suffering may be inevitable, but being stuck in suffering is not.” It was certainly not easy to come to this realization. As I was growing up, I learned that my beliefs that protected me when I was young did not serve me when I was older. That was a shocking realization. But over time, I did what I needed to do and replaced them with beliefs that were better able to manage.
The key as you say is openness. It was being open to new ideas and beliefs that allowed me to let go of my suffering and to learn how to manage. It was being open that allowed me to see things as they were and not as I imagined them to be. And it was by being open that allowed me to reframe painful events in ways that empowered instead of crippling me.
Sometimes it is hard to let go of my pain and suffering especially when it is great. I believe this is part of the healing process and embrace instead of fighting my pain. This reduces my resistance and allows the healing process to proceed. When I am ready, I can reframe my suffering and let go of it in its own time.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article!
Irving the Vizier
Gail Brenner says
There are so many beautiful points in your comment, Viz. We don’t realize that we are playing out patterns that don’t serve – until we do. Just hearing that it is possible, and useful, to investigate our thoughts and feelings may be a revelation. It was to me years ago.
I appreciate your openness to examine everything and your profound patience with yourself.
Chrysta Bairre says
I have heard it said that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional and I believe this to be true. I cannot avoid hardship and pain, for these experience are part of life, but I can avoid turning hardship into suffering.
In my life suffering is a self-inflicted experience wherein I hold onto to pain, fear, worry and grief. These emotions are important for growth, but clinging to them causes suffering.
It has also been my experience that being open releases me from suffering. I have been on a life-long journey to discover positive, healthy and happy ways to live and interact with myself and my world.
I have found I can only create a better life when I am open to new ideas, new belief systems and trying something new when what I’m doing isn’t working for me.
Thanks for this insightful article into openness!
Chrysta
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful, Chrysta. Yes, we get what we get, but we can choose what we do with it. I’m so happy for your that openness has helped and supported you.
Ruben Storm says
I have found the need to categorize an event or experience as good or bad almost intrinsic in people. If we can resist the need to do this then we have immediately given ourselves the best possible opportunity to remain open minded and to see all that can be offered from the moment.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Ruben, and a warm welcome to you.
The mind naturally categorizes and judges. When we let ourselves lose interest in these thoughts, then the possibility for happiness is discovered – right here in this moment.
Beautiful to meet a kindred spirit…
Jeanette Melian says
Gail,
Your words are like beautiful poetry throughout this piece. So much of our suffering stems from those conditioned patterns that were well cemented in childhood. We must learn to free ourselves of those through awareness. Letting go of the things that are keeping us stuck in place is key. But we have to want the change. We have to want the suffering to end. Only then will we make the choice to take action and take the necessary steps towards being free.
All the best!
Jeanette
Gail Brenner says
I love this point, Jeannette, that we have to want the suffering to end. This might sound obvious, but many people are conflicted about letting go of their familiar patterns. If this is the case, then that conflict is what needs to be examined – with openness. Once the change is wanted 100%, the universe sets in motion the gifts that support it.
Clare says
It is always so much easier to notice something in someone else than in yourself, (unless you are relentlessly berating yourself at the time), but I have a client who makes a large percentage of errors and creates excuses or blames others for mistakes she is responsible for. I was searching my soul for ways to help teach her or train her and realized that in order to do things differently, one needs humility, honesty and openness. It is very difficult to teach someone how to check her work and to prevent errors from occuring and recurring or to identify and define problems without getting her to detach her egos from the process. It also prompted me to explore the ways that I do the very same thing. I came to the conclusion that when I receive constructive criticism that I need to focus intently on what is being said, because it is a teaching moment. In short, humility, openness, honesty and listening from the heart are tools to combat being stuck in your own suffering.
Gail Brenner says
This is so rich, Clare. We cannot fix others or get them to see what we see so clearly. And it doesn’t work to want others to change so we don’t have to face our own uncomfortable feelings.
You took this experience as an opportunity to investigate your own reaction – which is the only thing you can do anything about. A big yes to humility, honesty, and openness – toward others and toward ourselves.
Ollin Morales says
Wow, I never thought if it that way. That one must be accepting of the resistance as well. I suppose it is all about accepting yourself and not resisting who you are. And realizing that resistance to resistance–is kinda resistance. Ha! Thank you for another enlightening and useful post.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Ollin.
Yes, that’s such an important point that is easy to miss. Resisting resistance is just more resistance, and it can go on forever. There is no way around it, for things to change, openness is required. Even just a sliver is enough to get started.
And being open to our resistance, if that is what is appearing in the moment, is the perfect place to start. We always need to start where we are – not in wanting things to be different. If resistance is present, then let’s open our hearts to it fully. What a loving way to be with ourselves…
Kristen says
Beautiful words and very prescient. Thanks for sharing!
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome, Kristen. Thanks so much for stopping by.
Bonnie Perry says
In the spirit of openness, I was experimenting with the notion of freedom, freedom all around, in my daily experience. I tried to be present in the situations that presented with allowance for freedom all around and it was very insightful. I think in the past I may have resisted doing this, when push came to shove, due to a forgetting that ‘all around’ included me too. I noticed that when I granted myself freedom in the situations, there was nothing truly scary or threatening about my experiences. I love this experiment so much I plan on continuing it. Rather than having to shrink from myself in allowing complete freedom to others, I am actually empowered.
Gail Brenner says
I love this experiment, too, Bonnie. I can see how you would want to continue it – endlessly!
Being present and allowing freedom – this shows so much openness. And so wonderful to see that nothing is truly scary or threatening.
Anyone else out there interested in experimenting??
Maggie says
“Suffering may be inevitable, but being stuck in suffering is not.”
If I can summarize your post into one sentence, this is what I will choose. It delivers the entire message effectively and the contemplation is left to the reader.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Maggie. Yes, the contemplation is always left to the reader. Reading words is one thing, but absorbing and integrating them is always up to the receiver.
So glad that you stopped by and left this insightful comment.
Corinne Rodrigues says
Loved this post, Gail. I have had experiences of ‘suffering’ that eventually led me to ask what the lesson was – and it was only when I was open to the answer did I ‘hear’ it. Now, I have learnt to be open to experiences of pain or discomfort that come and ask myself, ‘What is the lesson in it?’ or ‘What greater good came out of this?’ And most times, I get the answer….
Gail Brenner says
This is such a beautiful example of openness, Corinne, and worth repeating:
What is the lesson in this?
What greater good came out of this?
This way suffering is a starting point for transformation.
Sandra Pawula says
Gail,
I loved this line: “This is the nature of being human, which touches into so much compassion for the tenderness of it all – in ourselves and others.” I love the sense of compassion towards even been stuck.
“Receptivity” is an essential threat in my life this year, which is so linked to openness. I really value this encouragement.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandra,
When we are receptive even, and especially, to those difficult places, there is so much opportunity for insight that frees us up from long-standing patterns. I’m sure your focus this year will bear fruit that makes you even more available to love.
Paige Burkes says
What a beautiful post! It took me many years to realize how attached I would become to my ideas. I blamed others, had lots of resentment – lots of suffering that I clung to. At an extremely low point and a point where I was so sick of repeating my patterns, I finally let go and surrendered to whatever may come. That was the one of the best moments of my life.
Now, when I’m feeling stressed, anxious, angry, whatever suffering emotion, I stop and ask myself what I’m resisting and who I’m trying to blame (who usually has very little to do with my issue). As soon as I open that internal dialogue, the suffering starts to break up and soften. I remember that it’s I, not anyone else, who has the power to improve the situation. I come up with a plan and put it into action. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. At least I’m doing something to improve things for myself instead of waiting for and relying on someone or something else.
This has taken time to be able to do. It’s a practice that I continue to practice and I’m kind with myself in the process.
Gail Brenner says
Your comment is so important, Paige, because it speaks to what is possible. I also know that way of being closed, blaming, and not taking responsibility. Surrendering it, giving it all up to something greater, acknowledging that we don’t know and can’t control – these are the moments that break us open.
I am celebrating your insights and good heart with you!
James Feudo says
Gail,
I never really thought about how not being open can negatively affect us but you raise some valid points. Sometimes we become slaves to our habits and our opinions that we we lose out on a good experience.
Excellent post,
James
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, James.
This is so clear: “Sometimes we become slaves to our habits and our opinions that we we lose out on a good experience.” When we unconsciously play out our habits, we miss what is here – right in the present – the simple joy of being alive.
Brad says
Hi Gail,
I’m glad that I found your blog from Ken at Meant to Be Happy. This blog speaks directly to what I have been practicing lately. The art of being open to whatever shows up in my life. Asking what is the message or gift?
thanks,
Gail Brenner says
Hi Brad, and a warm welcome to you.
When we are open to everything that arises, we are available to receive the gift or teaching. What a blessing that this is possible!
So glad you stopped by…
Eric says
Just found this blog and absolutely love your work!
I struggle or am closed to reacting on my emotions only, I feel deeply and often times don’t give my emotion enough time to marinate before reacting but I have been practicing changing this habit and with it in the forefront of my mental and the tools in this blog I have no doubt I will get better at it! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your knowledge,
Eric
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Eric. So glad you stopped by and took the time to comment.
I hear that you are seeing how you have been ruled by your emotions, and you are taking a pause before responding. Good for you. Welcome to the world of sanity.
Wishing you well…
Kelly says
I was stuck on a weight loss strategy that wasn’t working for 10 years!! I was determined to lose weight a certain way because I was sure that I just needed to be determined enough. I always say ‘It took me 10 years to lose 10 pounds’ because it wasn’t until I finally was open to a different weight loss strategy – one that set me up for success, that I easily lost the weight.
Thank you for your amazing explanation of openness. You’ve covered it from every angle! 🙂 Kelly
Gail Brenner says
Hi Kelly,
This is a lovely example of how openness is intelligent and can bring you just what you need. Thanks for sharing it and stopping by.