“I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed, for where I am closed, I am false…”
~Rainer Maria Rilke
Are you sensitive, prone to feeling resentment, rejection, disapproval, or disappointment? Then you’re taking things personally, and you know how much it hurts.
Taking things personally is one of the tender human experiences that cuts deep, and we often have trouble finding our way out.
I used to feel personally offended if someone was late or didn’t call or disagreed with my point of view. At times, it seemed like everywhere I turned, someone was trying to hurt my feelings. I didn’t know what to do with this pain—except to blame the people around me and withdraw.
Now with a completely different view of human challenges—and so much more compassion for myself and others—I know the freedom that comes with not taking things personally.
It’s possible to be free of the hooks and edges that cause you to feel put down or slighted. You can live as the free-flow of life where nothing sticks. An event happens, someone says something to you or about you, and here you are—open, untouched, loving, not resisting anything.
And when the hurt of taking things personally appears, you meet it with pure, abiding love…because that’s what it needs.
Unlocking the door to freedom from taking things personally invites you to be aware of your own reactions. What someone else says or does is about them, and how you react is about you. So we focus on something we can do something about, which is our own reactions.
You might call what you’re experiencing disappointment or rejection, but the reality of it is that some thoughts and feelings have gotten triggered. What can we do with them?
If you feed the story, wallow in feeling badly, or run mental loops about what should and shouldn’t have happened, you will stay stuck.
Instead, shift to a different approach, which is to hold loving space for the thoughts in your mind and feelings in your body. It looks like this:
- When you feel the pain of taking something personally, pause, take a breath, and turn toward your inner experience.
- Be the loving companion to your feelings and how they’re showing up in your body.
- Keep breathing…and hold them with presence and care, just as they are.
- As the story subsides, you’ll find compassion for your own pain and eventually the space to open to those you feel have hurt you as well.
This is what softens the habit of our personal pain.
The part of you that takes things personally may feel raw and young, and here’s why. For most of us, these painful reactions originated in childhood. When we were young, events happened that brought about emotional reactions in us. If we didn’t have the deep acceptance from others to experience our reactions, they leave a hidden impression in our bodies and minds, and we’re prone to reacting the same way again and again.
Decades later, here we are, experiencing rejection, disappointment, and shame—and taking it personally. Then the spinoff stories start: I’m not deserving, I’m inadequate, I’m unlovable. These experiences congeal into an identity that keeps you frozen and limited.
But what exactly is this identity? It seems so real, but when you shine the spotlight of your curious attention inward, all you notice are thoughts and feelings.
There is no “you,” no identity of one who has been rejected or disappointed. Only thoughts and feelings appearing in awareness.
Once we begin to discover this truth, we’re available to feeling open, generous, and compassionate—ways of being that are just not available to us when we’re caught in the identity as the one who takes things personally.
Every time we feel hurt is an opportunity for more freedom. Meet your own experience with the love you are longing for. Recognize that others are hurting, too. And with the understanding that it’s not personal, expand your heart endlessly into its true nature that lovingly welcomes all.