“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”
~Epictetus
Recently, I set off on the trip to France that I had been dreaming about for five years. As luck would have it, my plane left Los Angeles two hours late, and by the time we arrived in New York, after circling for another hour, I had missed my connection. The result was an overnight in an airport hotel and one less day in Paris.
But was this situation a problem? I knew I had a choice.
How We Create Problems
Every day we encounter circumstances that we can turn into problems – if we want to. Do you want more problems in your life? Here is the how-to:
- Tell yourself that what is happening is bad or wrong or shouldn’t be happening.
- Think of all the negative consequences.
- Repeat these negative consequences to yourself over and over.
- Experience a feeling and don’t examine it.
- Create a stressful or depressing story about what is happening based on this feeling.
- Repeat this story to yourself over and over, embellishing it each time.
- Ignore any positive aspects, benefits, or opportunities this experience offers you.
Sound familiar? When I realized I would miss my connection, I could have been irate and disappointed. I could have blamed the airline and thought about what I was missing out on. I could have created a lot of trouble for myself – unnecessary trouble, if you ask me.
Separate Facts From Reactions
But isn’t this what we do all the time? We take the facts of a circumstance, then apply stressful thoughts and feelings to it that launch a problem.
And here’s the truth: the problem isn’t inherently contained in the circumstances – it is added on to the facts. Need evidence? Just look around you. There is a myriad of reactions possible to any event – not just your habitual one.
Facts are facts, but reactions are up for grabs. We cannot change circumstances, but how we respond to them is under our control. And this is very good news.
If you are willing to bring awareness to your thoughts and feelings, you can recognize them, see them as simply experiences that arise, and choose to not get involved in them.
Freedom from Problems
This is the amazing possibility: we don’t have to turn circumstances into problems.
Ready for the how-to? Here goes:
- See the facts of whatever is happening as separate from your thoughts and feelings about these facts. This essential step creates the space to get out the microscope, become a scientist, and intimately study your thoughts and feelings.
- Notice the content of your thoughts. Are they stressful, negative, heavy with emotions? Do they run in an endless loop like a hamster on a wheel? Is this what you want?
- Notice your feelings. See that a feeling actually consists only of thoughts and bodily sensations. Can you allow these experiences just to be present without letting them fuel more thinking?
- Now go back to the facts. What is this circumstance offering you? What are the benefits, blessings, and opportunities for insight and understanding?
As I realized the plane to Paris would be taking off without me, I surrendered. And in that surrender, I saw:
- The kindness of the airline agent who patiently helped me at midnight, well past his quitting time.
- The grace of the hotel reservations clerk dealing with an onslaught of people checking in.
- The good humor of my fellow passengers.
My jet lag wasn’t as bad as it would have been if I had made the connection, and I had the time to work on another blog post. In the end, something happened, but I couldn’t find a problem anywhere.
Are You Willing to Be Free of Problems?
My question – and challenge – to you is this: Are you willing to see how you create problems out of facts? Are you committed enough to your own peace and happiness to make the radical move to eliminate drama from your life?
Since we manufacture problems, we have the power to be free of them. And in this freedom lies the simple, amazing, awe-inspiring, heart-expanding glory of being alive.
Now it’s your turn. Can you see how you create problems? Have you discovered how to be free of them? I’d love to hear…
Note: My friend, Christopher Foster over at The Happy Seeker, is offering a beautiful course on how to keep the light alive as we age. You may want to check it out.
winsomebella says
From time to time, too often I suppose, I forget that “facts are facts, but reactions are up for grabs.” Thanks for a gentle reminder quit trying to change the circumstances but focus instead on how I respond. Great advice.
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Bella. Just wondering…does focusing on trying to change circumstances work? Sometimes it does. Sometimes there is something we can do practically to make things more aligned. But when that isn’t possible – which is most of the time – working on our internal circumstances is the key.
Virginie says
Hi Gail, I’ve been reading your posts for a while, and since it’s my first comment, I ‘d like to say first that I deeply appreciates them. Actually I’m french and living in Paris, and do hope that you had a really good experience of your stay here, and will let us know about it.
About this post: I subscribe entirely to it. I tend to create problems when it comes to my son’s future. (I’m a single mom of an 11 years old great boy). For instance, he has the opportunity to enter a better school, but it means leaving his friends and habits, so we both are hesitating. And that creates a big problem for me. Once I’m stuck into it, very hard to stop running into circles… There must be some secondary benefits to stay within the problem. But it’s both depressing and tiring. How could I go from the principles that I rationaly agrees to, to the actual experience of getting free of that habit of turning thoughts into problems?
Gail Brenner says
Bonjour to you, Virginie. I had a wonderful time in Paris – just loved how French people really know how to enjoy life.
I don’t know for sure, but it sounds like there is some fear that you are experiencing – and it is exhausting. Maybe fear of making the wrong decision about your son? If you put the fear aside, what happens then? Are you actually clear about what you would like to do, but the fear is holding you back?
The secondary benefit of staying within the problem is that you get to stay safe. You don’t have to face the unknown. You don’t take a risk. Be completely honest with yourself. See what is happening, then make a choice from wisdom. Then go and enjoy yourself.
Bisous à vous…
Virginie says
For sure french people know something about “l’art de vivre”, but on a daily basis, we tend to be like anyone else: overwhelmed, tired and anxious!!
Thank you very much for your answer, I have to think about it.
I love your “Bisous à vous…”
A bientôt!
Deb Perkins says
I have a quote hanging on my cupboard:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
by Victor Frankl
Gail Brenner says
I love that quote, Deb. Thanks so much for posting it.
MrLovingKindness says
I agree the strategy you outline is better than the common strategy of fighting disappointing circumstances as they present. However, why not back the process up one more step?
Your initial disappointment with an unplanned stay in NY was a direct result of attachment to wanting one more day in Paris. Your subsequent rationalization redirected your attachment elsewhere.
Why not work on extant attachments in order to be free now? Why wait until already presented with the disappointment?
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Mr. LK,
Actually, I didn’t have an initial disappointment about losing a day in Paris. I thought about it, realized it was the case, and went on with the business of finding a place to stay that night.
I agree wholeheartedly that we can all benefit from investigating our attachments at all times.
MrLovingKindness says
This sounds like disappointment:
“As I realized the plane to Paris would be taking off without me, I surrendered.”
Surrender requires acknowledgment of a loss.
Gail Brenner says
It sounds like you really want me to say I was disappointed, Mr. LK. I would love to give you what you want, but I also need to walk my own path and say only what is true for me.
The point of this post is to demonstrate how we create problems out of circumstances – and therefore how we can be free of the problems, and I used my own experience to illustrate. As I said, I looked for a problem, but couldn’t find one anywhere. No stress or disturbance in my mind, feelings, or body.
MrLovingKindness says
Whatever path you are on *is* your path, independent of whether or not you want to be on it.
What interests me is how surrender could happen without disappointment, but you don’t seem to be interested in exploring that.
Sibyl says
Gail: Great post and message. I really loved your advice to decide how you will interpret the things that come your way. You really can focus on the wrong type of thoughts and pull yourself down, or you can choose to look and see things differently. Your story about your flight to Paris is a great example of this and message for all of us. Hope you had an amazing trip … I am sure you did 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I did have an amazing trip, Sibyl. It was fantastic in every way.
And choosing to get pulled down or lifted up changes everything, doesn’t it? Facts are facts, but we can choose our reactions.
Regimented Life says
What a great perspective. Although France is my favorite place in the world so there is no way I would have been so calm about missing even a second there. I like how you mentioned that we don’t have to react the same, habitual way to the stimuli in our world. That’s so true and yet something I never think of. I hope I can keep these thoughts with me well beyond reading this post. Sometimes I read something like this and promise I will try and modify the way I react to life/etc., and then I fall right back into the same old habits later on. Thanks again for the refreshing outlook.
Gail Brenner says
Hi there, RL. Thanks so much for stopping by.
The more we raise our awareness about our habitual patterns, the more likely we are to make a different choice. Suffering is the signal. When suffering appears, it’s time to investigate our reactions.
It might take some time, but these transformations are absolutely possible.
So much support to you….
Galen Pearl says
Great post! I laughed out loud at how to create problems. That was so me, especially the over and over parts! Except that in addition what you listed, I also denied and repressed feelings, and added judgment of my feelings to everything else you mentioned. In fact, a good example would be the flight to Paris I missed when my connecting flight into NY was late. Sound familiar? Years ago…I made lots of problems out of that one.
I’m happy now to recognize myself in the how not to create problems. I go through a process very much like what you describe. A recent example? A flight to China my teenaged daughter missed when her connecting flight to LA was late, which caused her to miss hooking up with the other people she was flying to China with. You would have been so proud of me! I took a few deep breaths and surrendered. And helped her work out an alternative. It all worked out fine and I was not a wreck.
Great post. Thanks!
Gail Brenner says
I salute you for not becoming a wreck, Galen!! That is truly a sign of progress.
Great to hear that you now recognize how not to create problems. What an empowering thing to know that we have a choice!
Clare says
These are the thoughts that awaken me every night. I am getting better at identifying them as thoughts and letting them go, but will carry your phrase “suffering is the signal” with me from now on. Thanks!
Gail Brenner says
Great, Clare! You sound dedicated and willing – and you are sure to reap the rewards.
Gregg Hake says
Excellent post. A mentor of mine once told me that “circumstances are neutral…it’s not what happens to you that matters, it’s how you handle what happens.” I appreciate your reminder that we have a choice as to how to respond to that which we face from day to day and that we needn’t be slaves to habitual patterns of reaction. I hope you had a nice trip!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Gregg, and thank you so much for your comment.
I love that phrase: circumstances are neutral. That leaves the reaction all up to us – and how nice to know that we have a choice about it.
When we let habitual patterns run without investigating them, we are slaves to them. But there is always a way out.
My trip was fantastic. I totally recommend following your heart when the urge to do something out of the box arises.
farouk says
Gail
i loved the way you described how we make problems out of nothing,. in fact i smiled while reading it because its so truee, ur right, we always have the option , keep it up 🙂
Gail Brenner says
So great to hear from you, Farouk. Your comment made me smile, too. I love that we always have the option.
Christopher Foster says
Lovely to share this story of your trip Gail — you sure turned the situation to advantage. And thank you for your kind mention of my course.
We’re creating our own world in every moment aren’t we. Sow love, sow truth, and the law of harvest works every time. Love and truth come back to us in ever greater measure.
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, Chris. Yes, the world is created in every moment. It sounds like my experience is the same as yours: if we live in love and truth, our experience of love and truth deepens endlessly.
And your course on aging gives us clear guidelines about how to steer our lives in that direction. I wish you much success with it.
Sandra / Always Well Within says
Gail,
There is so much wisdom in this idea alone > “If you are willing to bring awareness to your thoughts and feelings, you can recognize them, see them as simply experiences that arise, and choose to not get involved in them.” But naturally all the ideas around it provide the support.
I love the idea of becoming a scientist and studying our thoughts and feelings.
It’s inspiring to see how well you are able to flow when the challenges arise!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandra,
I speak from my own experience, and I have found that studying our habitual thoughts and feelings sheds light on them so we can be free of them. Shining the spotlight everywhere, even into the darkest corners is the path to liberation.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Melissa Adams says
Great advice & a good take on Nike’s “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” I did! After a miserable 23-year marriage & 7 years of post-divorce misery, I reinvented myself and moved from Southern California to Amsterdam. Along the way, I encountered boatloads of “problems” I turned into opportunities, e.g., using my adventures with a few con men as the basis for a memoir about my mid-life evolution. Stay tuned for “My ‘Dam Betrayal.”
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Melissa.
I love hearing about your experiences of getting fed up with the suffering and taking a new and uplifting tack.
Wishing you so much happiness…
Olivia says
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” I came across this quote for the first time a few months ago in a book I was reading. It’s stuck with me since.
I’m gradually starting to live with the realisation that it is my choice how I react. Now, I sometimes lose that battle and don’t take the time to think before reacting (bad habits die hard, I guess) but being aware of it has made me change how I think about every negative situation I encounter. I used to be quite prone to depression and keeping myself locked again. Now, I choose to react differently to the stimuli that create this depression. It’s amazing how much this has helped me so far.
Gail Brenner says
I am so happy for you, Olivia! You have just begun your journey of realizing the choice you have over your reactions and your reality, and you are reaping the benefits already. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Yes, those pesky habits die hard because they are so conditioned. That is why self-compassion is so key to undoing all these knots we get caught up in. Rather than battling these habits, I have found it very useful to take out the microscope and simply learn about them with curiosity. This simple investigation is revolutionary and takes away all resistance. In this field of love and acceptance, the habits begin to soften.
It sounds like this is what you are experiencing when you see how you can choose to not buy into the negative thinking and respond differently. I wish you well on your journey…
Mann says
Very Nice post. Excellent explanation about how to relate and watch emotions feelings and thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
Gail Brenner says
It’s my pleasure, Mann. All the best to you…