“Be still and know yourself as the Truth you have been searching for. Be still and let the inherent joy of that Truth capture your drama and destroy it in the bliss of consummation. Be still and let your life be lived by the purpose you were made for. Be still and receive the inherent truth of your heart.”
~Ganagji
Picture this: In the course of your daily life, something happens that triggers a feeling in you. You notice that something has shifted, so you stop and relax. Ahhhh. Your awareness is so spacious that any experience that appears is received and welcomed.
You aren’t put off by the strong emotion. You don’t avoid it out of fear or discomfort. You stay calm and present and feel the sensations and energy in your body. You pay attention to this experience with acceptance and openness as long as it feels right, then you go about your day.
This is the possibility for all of us when it comes to difficult emotions. Think of them as weather. They arrive, then pass through. So simple, so effortless.
Now another scenario: Something happens that really pisses you off. Your mind revs up with stories of self-righteousness and revenge. How dare he…I’ll show him. You feel enraged, indignant, and fired-up ā your jaw tense and throat constricted. What to do? Have a drink, blow off some steam, yell at the dog, anything to get the stress to stop eating away at you.
How to Be With Emotions
Every moment of this precious life presents an opportunity. We can stay asleep or wake up. We can ignore, defend, strategize, analyze, negotiate, or give up when difficult emotions appear. Or we can relax, receive, honor, and allow.
The experiences that arise in you are life – the way that life happens to be flowing through you at any given moment. They are a sacred offering. If a strong feeling comes, don’t make it into a problem. Because it isn’t. Let it be a friend and not an enemy. Stay uninvolved and let it run its natural course. It is not you.
Abandon the story in your mind, and you will notice sensations in your body. Let them be ā every vibration, tension, and tightness. These are remnants of a time long ago when you learned that feelings weren’t safe. They went underground and lodged in your body. Now is the time for their liberation.
Stop the effort of resisting and simply be. Relax. Be still. Let the integrity of your felt experience show you the way. Give it a chance and you will see that it is OK. You are OK.
Nothing to Get Rid Of
Remember that the point is not to get rid of any experience, including your feelings. Let me say this again. You do not have the power to force feelings to disappear or compel desirable experiences to last. The only thing you have any control over is where you place your attention.
Do you want to know true happiness that is undisturbed by anything? Do you want to be free of the cyclones that emotions bring to you? Here is the secret: Don’t try. Simply, effortlessly allow what arises to be. Whether it intensifies or goes away entirely is not your business. Your only job is to relax and receive.
Let go of preferences for or against, and you will see problems melt away. Feelings come? No problem. Strong sensations? No problem. Bliss overflowing? No problem. Everything welcome just as it is.
Everyday Examples ā Just Like You
A friend of mine who often has trouble sleeping took a new approach one night. Instead of getting lost in the mental noise about her to-do list and frustration about not being able to sleep, she relaxed her focus. She discovered strong energy running through all parts of her body. She stayed with it, let it be, felt it completely, and the suffering released. Not long after, dreamland.
In the course of a conversation, another friend remembered some very difficult times from his childhood. He told me that later that night, he felt a strong burning sensation in his chest that he never noticed before. And he let it be present. So soothing.
And members of our community here at A Flourishing Life have offered more examples in the comments from the first post in this series.
Northstar offers: āI have been getting acquainted with sadness lately and the more that I just āsitā with it ā the more compassion I seem to be developing towards myself. Iām also getting a bit more adept at watching the āstoryā that sometimes goes with it and allowing it to float by. When I do that then the sensations of sadness can still be there but there is no actual āpainā ā if I get into my head and hooked into a story about it ā thatās when I experience pain.ā
Galen writes: āI finally wore myself out from all the effort and energy it took to keep the ābadā feelings at bay. Once they were ālooseā I found that they werenāt so scary after all.ā
And from Joy: āFor most of my life, I used to ignore/deny/bury any feelings that were āless thanā. I know this emotional pain resulted in physical pain. When I chose to heal past wounds, I began to acknowledge feelings as they surfaced, hold space for them until they pass..there is a natural flow that is peace filled when I honor this process. Fear of a feeling gives it power to direct my steps, faith in a feeling allows me to fold it in and create with it. And the depth and heart opening that comes with Feeling All leaves me in wonder and gratitude:)ā
See the possibility? No endpoint, ever. Just the continuous flow of experience and the living as harmony itself.
Let yourself return home. Melt into being. Receive emotions but don’t get involved with them, and live as the love that you are.
winsomebella says
This is full of great suggestions. I have been doing a much better job than I used to of absorbing the feelings that come up in my day-to-day life. It has made a huge difference in how I feel and am. Thank you for the reinforcement.
Gail Brenner says
So glad to hear it, Bella. You are discovering that suffering is optional. Meet feelings as they are, and the problems begin to dissolve.
David says
Hi Gail,
“Resistance is useless” I think that’s a well worn phrase however certainly applies to us. So often we resist certain feelings. As you have said, receive & allow them to pass through……we may all be the better for that. Thank you &
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
Hi David,
I keep seeing that resistance=suffering. Knowing everything as it is is peace.
Wishing you well….
Bonnie Perry says
“You pay attention to this experience with acceptance and openness as long as it feels right and then you go about your day”……..this usually seems like the biggest hump for me to get over, although it does seem to be getting easier. And, probably the most important part also otherwise you never really give yourself the chance to see that you can be okay without changing or ‘rectifying’ the problematic feeling first. Believing the uncomfortable feeling has to be resolved completely in order for you to be productive, content, etc is a perfect recipe for stuckness. I have unknowingly fallen into this trap many times. “Whether it intensifies or disappears is not your business”…….that’s a big one!! I think when we are young we are taught to control our unruly emotions, but we are not taught that there is an important distinction between allowing yourself to be with your emotions however they are within your own being and acting out on them.
I also thank you for the reinforcement, as mentioned above.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Bonnie,
Few of us learn about the nature of reality as we are growing up – although it would certainly make life a lot easier and less problematic.
As I read your comment, I wonder, “What does ‘resolved’ mean?” Why is “resolved” the goal? Certainly, if there is something practical that can be done to ease a situation, then that is the obvious response. But if we take away the need for a goal, we just meet reality as it is. No story, no problem. Maybe you will experience intense physical sensations, but still, no problem – unless you create a story around them.
And your point that what happens when we meet an emotion is not our business is the same. The goal is a goalless one – to be with things as they arise in any moment. That is all. But we are so good at making things complicated, aren’t we??
Bonnie Perry says
Hmmm…what does resolved mean? Thanks for picking up on that! The belief that something needs to be resolved – to be ‘better’ in any way at all – just keeps the problem label firmly grounded. And that belief is strictly a story, a totally relative interpretation, isn’t it? And if I go about my day with that subtle expectation, anxiety will still be lingering. I would still always be ‘looking around the corner’/waiting instead of appreciating what is already okay right now.
Yes, just to be with things as they arise in the moment naturally, that is all. Nothing needs to change or be different for that to happen.
Thanks š
Gail Brenner says
My pleasure, Bonnie.
Galen Pearl says
“We can stay asleep or wake up. We can ignore, defend, strategize, analyze, negotiate, or give up when difficult emotions appear. Or we can relax, receive, honor, and allow.” Well, when you put the choice that way….!
Another excellent post in this series. Dealing with difficult emotions is a difficult topic! We touched on some of this in our monthly discussion group last week as we talked about forgiveness. That was a hard topic for several folks and difficult emotions were front and center. I wish I had had copies of this series to hand out to everyone!
Gail Brenner says
It’s been a joy for me to write this series, Galen, and to have these amazing conversations in the comments. I know that the topic of forgiveness brings up a lot of challenging feelings. We are so good at feeling wronged – or more correctly, at keeping the story going of feeling wronged. When we are willing to let go of the personal and see things directly, reality shows that peace is possible.
So much love to you…
Sandra Pawula says
Gail,
I appreciate so much how you take us right into the essence of transforming whatever difficult arises by allowing it to be.
As you point out, we can let any emotion
“run its natural course.” It’s important to know that they do have their own course; some take longer to subside that others. Some revisit us more than others. But the more we use this “practice”, the more space we experience between ourselves and challenging emotions.
I also found this amazing: “These are remnants of a time long ago when you learned that feelings werenāt safe. They went underground and lodged in your body. Now is the time for their liberation.”
Thank you for this sage advice!
Gail Brenner says
It’s such a joy for me to write about these matters, Sandra. As we allow space for whatever arises, without it being sticky, there is no problem – even if emotions arise many, many times. It can take a while for deeply held feelings to unwind. And I know that you are an expert at having compassion for yourself while this happens – you write about it so beautifully.
Sibyl says
Gail: Really great post and it was filled with so much wisdom. I think though what struck me the most from this post was what you pointed out about the choice we have to be awake or to move through our lives asleep. It is so easy to fall into the trap of being unconscious and just moving from one thing to the next on auto-pilot. I think understanding we have choice really reminds us that we have to choose to wake up over and over again until we know for sure we are always awake. Great post.
Gail Brenner says
Big YES to your comment, Sibyl. We have only the Now – that is all that exists. We can live our lives in false illusions creating trouble and anxiety, or relax into life unfolding. I choose alive every time, and I know you do as well.
noch says
how true
the first thing my shrink told me was to feel my emotions thoroughly. let it come out. feel the anger, the sadness. only by feeling them can i get to know them and understand why i am feeling the way i am feeling. and there is no right or wrong feeling. that i don’t need to feel guilty for being in depression, being sad, crying etc… it’s part of life…
thanks
noch
nochnoch.com
Gail Brenner says
I completely agree with your therapist, noch, in fact this is the only way to be free of the effect of these emotions. These constellations of stories and emotion can’t hold up to clear and heart-filled scrutiny. Pull apart all of these experiences. See them with great precision so you understand the reality of them. Then you are in a place to let them leave you, revealing your shining self.
vdigital says
just found your site – and it’s so helpful! i have a lot of fear, and a lot of control issues…and a perverse fear of letting go of either/both! it’s a vicious circle. there’s something frightening to me about letting go of expectations – fear of boredom, maybe. but unfailingly, when i do, i feel better. strange how the ego keeps us on a self-defeating track!
regardless: thank you for your posts; they are such a nice reminder of lessons between session with my (beloved and very helpful!) therapist.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you stopped by, vdigital. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Sometimes we need to do the opposite of letting go – which is total acceptance. Say you were to allow the fear fully, to let it be as big as it wants to be, to feel every nuance of it without holding back in any way. And the same with the need to control. Maybe it’s the resistance that needs to be let go of, not the fear. And with the end of resistance, magic happens.
chaotic_char says
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