“You must choose between your attachments and happiness.”
~Adyashanti
I used to live in a world of “if only.” If only the right partner would show up or I wouldn’t get caught in traffic or my family life would improve. It was an endless life of arrogance ā and frustration. If only things would be the way I want them to be. Like I had any control over any of it.
Yes, I was able to enjoy myself at times, but I was attached to all kinds of outcomes, large and small, and I suffered for it. Every time I wanted something to happen in a certain way, I set myself up for frustration, stress, and disappointment.
In those years, disappointment was my middle name. I was really tired of it, but I just couldn’t figure out how to be happy.
Joyful Non-Attachment
Fast forward to now, and I can’t help but smile. Because the unfolding of life is so beautiful in whatever form it takes, and the joy of openness to what is, as it is, is unspeakable. If I have a name at all, it is ease…peace…this…
As I see now, it was always this way, peace was always available, but the power of my attachments kept it hidden from view.
Do you react to life with a big No? Do you want it your way, not the way it actually is? Is Now not good enough? Then you are suffering.
Why wait one moment longer to find your way out of this mess?
When you understand the suffering that attachments bring, wisdom will erode them, clarity will show you that being totally open is sane, peaceful, and true. Frustration and disappointment about what occurs?
Eliminated.
Are You Resisting Presence?
Every attachment contains within it a seed of resistance to what is. The present moment is seen as missing something or not as good as it could be. Attachments constrict what is acceptable, rather than opening to things as they are. Consider these:
- Hope is about being attached to a better moment at some other time in the future. Are you caught by thinking that something is wrong with now?
- An expectation desires a specific outcome, not necessarily the one you get. Can you let go of control (which you don’t have anyway) and lovingly receive what occurs?
- Attachment to a desire limits the infinite possibilities that could happen and sets you up for unpleasant reactions. Can you want something, and take action to get it, without being attached to the outcome?
If your happiness is conditional on things happening the way you want them to, then you will be disappointed. Because your personal desire has nothing to do with it. It is simply a speck in the vast unfolding of life.
From Personal Desire to Profound Acceptance of Life
When you discover happiness, you realize that it is unconditional, not dependent on anything. This means that whatever occurs is received as is. Ā There is no desire except for what reality is offering you now.
And the happy byproduct? Negative emotional reactions simply don’t arise.
When you are free of attachments, here is what happens:
- You move from “something other than this” to “oh, this.”
- Effort to control is replaced by pure relaxation.
- Doing gives way to receiving.
- Thinking and story-telling dissolve into effortless being.
Oh, this…pure relaxation…receiving things as they are…effortless being.
Don’t give up your personal attachments. Yes, you read that right. Ā Rather than efforting to give them up, investigate them. Tell the truth about what they are and how they affect you. Then let your natural intelligence guide you to the peace beyond peace.
Struggling with attachments? Is non-attachment your experience? I’d love to hear…
sneha says
thanks Gail for the post. Another way of looking at it is to focus on what you have rather than what you dont. Everytime when I feel I’m up against a wall, I keep reminding that this is not that big a deal,I do have a rich life.
Gail Brenner says
Great point, Sneha. Recognizing what you have points you directly to the truth in the moment, focusing on what is missing keeps you entangled in lack.
Sandra Pawula says
I love the idea of pure relaxation. Makes me excited to give up my attachments! I definitely see the wisdom in doing so.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandra,
Having attachments is stressful, agitating the body and mind. And openness, aaahhh, pure relaxation…
Bonnie Perry says
Hi Gail ~ I too recognized that something bigger than all of us individually was working in the world (as most of us naturally intuit), but I just couldn’t figure out how to be a part of that ease of being in my own daily experience. No matter what analysis I came up with, it never proved competent in all situations and would always leave me going back to square one, so to speak. So I started to take that message to heart and discovered this little “tool” for myself I call “lift the shade of opinion”. Immediately whenever I choose to step back and let go of the convention of stale opinion, including my own) I can see a fresh perspective that is absolutely overlooked by all relative opinion yet is the undeniable reality of them all. I can see in my own experience that it is not life or reality that is messed up, (which all opinions seem to assume), but what is messed up is relying on personal opinions as ever having the whole truth. I keep testing this out with a sincere openness, and it has never failed to reveal a complete unassuming innocence and okayness where I can then respect all opinions for what they are and also see the greater possibility of ease that exists in each moment. But, I have to stay committed to doing the work of ‘lifting the shade’ in actual experience. It may sound simple, but this has been the one tiny insight for me that changes everything – when I follow through on it. š I think this might be similar to what you have shared here. And, thank you for doing so, by the way!
Gail Brenner says
You have nailed it, Bonnie: “what is messed up is relying on personal opinions as ever having the whole truth.” Personal opinions are about judgment, lack, and separation. Only by losing interest in them (lifting the shade) can you discover the reality that they mask.
My suspicion is that the “work” of staying committed to lifting the shade will eventually give way to natural ease. Although if you’re going to work, what better work to do than to stay vigilant to the truth…
Mark says
My initial reaction to this was positive, but thinking it over, I’m a little confused. If you have no expectation, no hope about how things will go, no clinging to a desired outcome, then do you not become a little like a rudderless boat? Every moment might be perfect as it is, and you dwell in these moments with profound peace, but you’ll never actually DO anything. Isn’t that a problem? Is there no middle ground? I certainly don’t mean this as criticism… I just see a problem at both sides of this thinking–over attachment vs. no attachment at all.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Mark,
I love that you thought more deeply and found this question. And my question back to you is: Do you need attachments to do anything in the world? If you wake up in the morning and let yourself be without attachments, eventually something will happen. You let yourself be moved, and what you get, or what happens, is exactly what is needed. We think we decide, that we take personal responsibility for things we do, but in reality, they are happening anyway, and the mind is taking credit. Anything creative comes through before the intervention of the mind.
You might have a picture in your mind that if you don’t let yourself be run by attachments that you will be a rudderless boat. But that is a picture, a mental image. Maybe you can test it out. Let yourself play with non-attachment and see what happens. Recognize areas in your life where you are not attached and see how they flow with ease. They may be so natural that you don’t even notice.
There is so much joy in living life without attachments that I suspect you will naturally want to engage fully. But don’t take my word for it…
Clare says
Wow. Your response really spoke to me. I struggle with the need to “take care of things” because I often feel if I don’t do it no one else will. It is a large source of my chronic anxiety and unease. I have been recognizing where I set up arbitary timelines and deadines for myself and now I laugh at how rigid I’ve been and how much suffering has been self-imposed.
Gail Brenner says
That is the laugh of sanity, Clare! Yay! What you describe is a powerful identification – to feel that you need to be on top of everything. And how relieving to see that the timelines and deadlines were self-imposed and not needed at all. Experiment with being a flake – don’t take care of things – and let life unfold naturally. It will, I promise you…
Galen Pearl says
Profound acceptance–I like that. Are you familiar with Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance? Similar concept by a different name. I like profound. You know by the term that it is life changing. Like you, I look back and shake my head, so grateful that I, as the saying goes, “resigned as general manager of the universe.”
Gail Brenner says
I haven’t heard that saying, Galen, but I, too am happy to “resign as general manager of the universe!” Anyone else interested?
Clare says
I am enthusiastically raising my hand.
Gail Brenner says
Great!
Peter says
This is very timely. Just last night I was asking questions about my attitude to life with feelings of never being satisfied.
I see and comprehend that having attachments to outcomes is causing the pain I feel.
I would like to experience this effortless being as you call it and wonder just how I can work around the negative mental habits and reach this personally.
Gail Brenner says
What a beautiful sharing and question, Paul. Thank you.
See your mental habits when they arise, and, as much as you can, stop yourself from acting on them. Let the energy of them be experienced as it comes and goes, but stay stable and alert as a loving presence. Take the habit of never feeling satisfied. Notice the story as mental chatter, and don’t get involved in the thoughts. Then feel the sensations that appear in your body that accompany “not feeling satisfied,” and notice that they are simply sensations.
Bring your attention to being aware of habits rather than being involved with them. As this awareness (effortless being), simply let life unfold as it will.
Ultimately, you will need to investigate: who is the one who is never satisfied? Who are you? You won’t be able to find an entity called “Paul.” You’ll find only mental habits – thoughts and feelings. Let these come and go, and rest as the witness, the loving presence that welcomes everything. There is no problem here, only peace.
There is much support throughout this blog to help you with this understanding, so feel free to check out the archives. What an amazing journey you have ahead of you…
MyPeaceOfFood says
Okay, so this is sort of a follow-up to my other comment this morning on your last post. I do try to control everything. And I’ve tried to explain to my husband WHY that is, how I feel I got to this place of controlling, but my problem is not attaching to outcomes in the future, it’s reconciling the choices I made that brought me to this point, where “I think things should be better.” He should be XYZ. I should be XYZ. I guess that is what I have to investigate? Why I think, for example, that I “should” be a stay-at-home mom instead of a work-from-home mom? Why I erroneously think that I deserve better? Why I resist turning our relationship into the kind I want rather than either making the steps to get there or accepting it as it is? Because there is great resistance toward that. I feel so overburdened that every little thing I have to do “for him” I resist. I know this, but I don’t know how to get past it.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Peace,
Sounds like you have yourself all tied up in knots. My suggestion to you might sound radical, which is to step away from your thoughts. Everything you describe here is a frustrating story that compares and ends up with something missing or not right. These stories are endless, and the solution is not to figure out how to have a good story. Do you actually know that these thoughts are true? No. Every time they come up, say to yourself, “Well, I really don’t know if this is true or not.” See if you can stop running your life on dramas that are made up in your mind. It sounds to me like these are fueled by fear. If so, then acknowledge and be with the fear, but don’t let it rule you.
Take some deep breaths, and relax into what is here. Not the mind’s stories, but your breath, the sensations you feel in your body. This is a good starting place.
Who you are is naturally loving and at peace with whatever arises. When you find the quiet away from these stories, you will discover that peace is possible – yes, for you. Then, if you need to act, do so from this quiet place. You might hug your child without words or tenderly look into your husband’s eyes – as if for the first time. Or chop the vegetables for dinner with so much love in your heart.
As long as you are entangled in these thoughts, you will suffer. Be so kind to yourself, and consider being open to another way.
Love to you…
Monte says
One way to look at attachments is to see that I attached my happiness to a certain person, thing or outcome. That I can’t be happy without it. I was taught that I had to do or get something or someone to be happy by unhappy people. They were always working on it. What most people call happiness is actually a thrill that brings with it the anxiety of losing it. Real happiness is a kind of content peace. Attachments become easier to let go of when I see they don’t work. And in pulling back and letting go, I can finally see that happiness is not something that I have to do or get. If I can quiet enough, I will see that happiness is what I am. That it is naturally always here.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Monte,
It’s so great to hear from you!
I love this statement: “What most people call happiness is actually a thrill that brings with it the anxiety of losing it.” Who can’t relate to that? But it’s not true happiness as you know, it’s a temporary state, which is why we fear losing it.
Yes, as we investigate attachments and see the effect of them (suffering, unhappiness) they are easier to let go of. They just stop making sense, paving the way for another option to be explored. Pulling back from attachments creates an unveiling. Attachments cover over our natural state by engaging the mind in a story of fear and lack. Letting go of attachments means letting go of that story, which leaves us open to the possibility of the content peace that is always here. It’s a lovely process that you describe – thanks for sharing it here.
Love…
Gay says
hello Gail …
I enjoy your blog immensely but sometimes I really struggle with your message.
And your latest is one of those times.
I need to Hope that I can have a better future because right now my life is terrible.
And yes there is something wrong with it right now and I am doing my best to just be with it.
I have An expectation that my doctor will treat me appropriately and not add to my despair with inappropriate language and behaviour after being his patient for 20 years.
from Gay
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Gay. I appreciate your question.
There is nothing inherently wrong with hope. But when we keep our attention on a better future and run stories in the mind about how bad things are now, hope doesn’t serve happiness. So it depends on what you want. Do you want to be happy?
When it comes to challenging life circumstances, you have some options. If there is something that you can change, then go ahead and change it. Maybe you need a new doctor? And if you cannot change your circumstances, then see how you can change your experience of them by where you focus your attention. If you focus on the negative aspects, you will feel a sense of lack and unhappiness. As an alternative, incline your whole being – thoughts, feelings, actions – to peace, love, and happiness. Do this as much as you can, and you are opening the door to a great sense of ease.
Love and best wishes to you…
Dellarobbia says
Hi Gail,
I know you’re right about happiness coming when one doesn’t attach to outcomes. I can manage this in my day to day life with the little things. But now I’m facing a health scare and I can’t seem to apply this wisdom to the medical results I received yesterday. My blood tests show that my tumor markers are way up. I’m trying to stay in the present, to acknowledge my fear, to recognize that I don’t yet have a certain prognosis. But it’s hard not to be attached to good health and to life itself. Please help me apply the wisdom of non-attachment to my current situation.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Dellarobbia,
Thank you so much for your question. The reason you are having difficulty applying the wisdom about happiness and non-attachment is that you are scared. You might say that fear is in the way, but another way to look at it is to realize that fear is the most prominent thing happening in your current experience. The more you try to stay in the present, the more presence will be elusive to you. Presence is realized as your natural experience, when all thoughts, feelings, desires, attachments, etc, are seen through. Right now, fear, and the story that fear carries, have grabbed your attention.
It sounds to me like your work right now is to not only acknowledge fear, but not to run from it. See the story that is making you fearful, and feel the physical sensations. Also, this may sound paradoxical, but acknowledge your attachment to life and health. Why? Because that is also part of your right-now experience. The future is always unknown, but at this time the unknown future is feeding your fear.
Be very kind to yourself and see if you can not push yourself into being present or finding happiness. Relax and let things be as they are, even if they are unpleasant. Don’t be attached to finding happiness – be willing to honor your experience as it is showing up now. Be completely open to whatever is here.
Recognize that all the feelings and stories are objects arising in awareness. Shift your attention to awareness and see if things take care of themselves.
Most importantly, give yourself lots of leeway. This is a tender time, a time to reduce stress and take good care of yourself in all ways.
Feel free to stay in touch. In love and support….Gail
Della Robbia says
Thank you so much. You remind me that all I have to do is stay with my experience. And your word, THIS, will help me focus on awareness. Sounds like quite a ride. I’ll give it a try. Many thanks.
Gail Brenner says
That’s just it, Della! Just This. But don’t be concerned if the mind takes over sometimes and you experience an emotional reaction. All that has happened is a shift of your attention. That reaction is arising in the space of peace, of no resistance, where everything is just This.
Dellarobbia says
Report from the field…I’m having my ups and downs, but most of the time, I’m OK. I’m amazed that fear of the upcoming medical tests and appointments is not uppermost in my mind. I don’t think I’m suppressing anything. It just is not the only thing in my life and it hasn’t taken me over. I’m LIVING my life. It’s a great relief also not to have to TRY to be brave or TRY to not be afraid. I can just be with my fear and in so doing my fear is not as big or as important as it was before. It’s not gone, by any means, but it’s just part of my life, not my whole life. Thank you, Gail, for your guidance.
Gail Brenner says
What a beautiful report, Della! You speak to the possibility of freedom from being consumed by fears and habits. When you really get that the goal is not to get rid of anything, but to be with it as it is but not be engaged in it, you touch into the spaciousness that surrounds everything. Fear, urges? They don’t need to be a problem. They are simply arisings in awareness and can effortlessly come and go of their own accord. And you remain – whole, complete, at peace.
Peter Ewin Hall says
Enjoyed the post. Life is a complicated affair and we need to use the surprises it brings – good and bad. If we harness their energy rather than resist, becuase they are not part of what we planned, then maybe there’s a way forward to a deeper and more creative life?
Gail Brenner says
Sounds just right, Peter – being open to the surprises rather than resisting them. Then who knows what will happen, but the effect will definitely be aligned with depth and creativity of life.
Isabella C.N. says
I have been in the process of understanding this for awhile. I am 21 and most would say I am still young and naive and I would say that they are right. I ended a five year relationship with someone I was so afraid to lose that I felt like I couldn’t fully enjoy everything that life has to offer. It might sound silly but this article helped me relax and let go of regret. He will be happy and I will be too because I have the power to just let things be good the way they are. Since then I’ve made SO many new friends and experienced so much that I might not have had the confidence to experience while I was still with him. I like not knowing. Life is a grand adventure and we only live once.
Gail Brenner says
I love the enthusiasm and clear thinking in your comment! This is a great example of following your heart, even when it’s hard to do so, and then being open to what life offers you. May you live in this openness always and enjoy the grand adventure. Love to you…
Isabella C.N. says
Thank you so much for your support! It has been five months without him. It has been difficult but I still think I did the right thing for us and allowed us to each live our lives fully and independently. There is more to life than relationships. I like this philosophy and I look forward to seeing more articles like this.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Isabella,
You know in your heart when you are doing the right thing. Love to you…
anushka says
Dear Gail,
Funny that I should come across your post now, through something a friend posted on FB, just when I am going through sense of deep sadness .
I was/ am very attached to a friend and was increasingly getting attached to idea of him feeling the same about me. So I raised the subject and he didn’t feel the way. Now I am filled with regret because I feel I may have ruined our easy friendship and I am filled with fear that I may never share anything so wonderful with anyone again or thatI may never really know love .
I want to let go of these regrets and fears because I truly believe that life always works out right in the end but somehow I can’t seem to.
Please tell me how I can let go.
Thank you.
A.
David says
Really enjoyed this…I have been working on it everyday for the past 3 years ever since I finally found meditation. (it only took 40 some years!)
Gail Brenner says
It’s never too late, David. It took 40 years of life experience to get you to where you are today!
Andrea says
I think I had a joyful non attachment experience the other day. I was engaged in a really awesome conversation with a friend of mine and the timer went off to pull the food out of the over. She jumped up to check it and I was thinking in my head “Just let it burn”. Sometimes I feel like when I’m really engaged with something that the world never fails to provide a distraction.
Great post
Gail Brenner says
Hi Andrea,
There is such a desire to hold onto these experiences of joyful non attachment. But they are temporary, as we all see every day. Yes, the world will offer up some distraction. But when we don’t resist what happens and stay with the presence that cannot be disturbed, we are joyfully non attached to the comings and goings of the world.
Connie says
Gail, What a delicious website! It has come into my life at a perfect time. Thank you so much for taking the time to bless us so freely with such clear writing. I feel like each post is a dessert for my soul. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Connie. Oh, dessert – I love that! Eat till your heart’s content!
Pat says
Dear Dr. Brenner:
Your teaching resonates with me yet I am like a guide who shows and tell others where the treasure is but get lost when I try to find it myself.
How can one have this sense of knowing yet the treasure eludes them?
What is the block – is it unwillingness to surrender -is it attachment to outcomes?
Detachment is difficult when the desired outcome is need (s) fulfillment.
I’ve always felt we are Joy but like our creation story we have been tempted to trade.
Is the difficulty that it is easier to descend than ascend?
What you’re saying resonantes with me
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Pat.
You have a sense of knowing because the truth about reality is just that – real. Even when we delude ourselves into believing we are our attachments and identifications, reality is still there shining, albeit sometimes dimly.
It sounds like your understanding, true as it is, is conceptual and not your living felt experience that is alive as you. Abandon all ideas about anything you’ve learned or realized and discover directly, in this moment, that you are all that you have ever been looking for.