âAll the things that truly matterâbeauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peaceâarise from beyond the mind.â
~Eckhart Tolle
âIf only my mind would give me a break.â âIâm constantly bombarded by thoughts.â
These are some of the frustrated statements I hear from people every day who are trying to find peace from their thoughts. And most of the time, they hold onto the wish that their thoughts would just stop.
Well, Iâll let you in on a little secretâyou canât make your thoughts stop. And the more you try to do that, the more you are actually focusing on the fact that youâre thinking.
Itâs like trying not to think about a pink elephant. The more you try not to do something, the more youâre resisting the urge to do it. And the net effect for you is certainly not the peace that youâre looking for.
Freedom from the Pesky Mind
But donât lose hopeâŠbecause freedom from the power of your thinking is possible. I know because I speak from my own experience. I used to be tied up in knots with worry and anxiety. I spent so much time in my head trying to figure out how to navigate my life that I missed many opportunities.
And now I hardly worry at all, and Iâm so much more at ease as I go with the flow. I see life as a precious gift instead of one gigantic threat that robs me of my happiness.
The key to this shift has been how I relate to my mind.
A Friendly Relationship with Your Thoughts
Forming a friendly relationship with your thoughts asks you to develop insights and have tools in your back pocket. You need to deeply understand how thinking works, and you need tools to work with your thoughts and the feelings that drive them.
Changing how you relate to thoughts takes focus and effort on your part, especially in the beginning. So abandon wishful thinking and the vague hope that things will improve.
Buckle down, commit, and make your peace your highest priority. And if you think thatâs a selfish goal, think again (pun intended đ ). Because once youâre less consumed in your mind, youâre more available to listen, engage, and fully live your lovely life.
Insights
Weâll start with four insights about thoughts.
#1: You are not your thoughts.
You existed long before you started thinking. Thereâs an innocent, original part of you that is truly alive, and this part has nothing to do with your thoughts. If you donât know this, experiment. Pretend that youâre not your thoughts, and see if youâre still here. Get to know this âyouâ who is alive prior to your thoughts.
This insight means that your thoughts donât define you. This might sound like a revolutionary statement, but itâs true. Your thoughts may tell you that youâre unworthy and limited, and they may tell you that youâll be lost if you donât worry incessantly. But without these beliefs, youâre still hereâand youâre way more at peace.
#2: You can choose how you relate to your thoughts.
Since your thoughts are not who you are, you can choose how much attention you give them. You can live in the stories they tell you, or you can see them as mental chatter that has no meaning.
#3: You donât have to buy into the content of your thoughts.
Really take a look at the content of your thoughts. If thinking is a problem for you, you will find that your thoughts are quite negative. They tell you to constantly be on guard so you canât enjoy life. They fill you with doubt and concern. They make you believe youâre a fraction of your true magnificence. And they judge everyone and everything, including yourself, concluding that the reality of things as they are is not good enough.
Bringing in insight #2, you can choose how you relate to these thoughts. Do you want to magnify this content and make it the veil through which you see life? Or do you want to drop the veil and see things as they truly are?
#4: You can function very well in life without paying attention to thinking.
Most thinking is negative and useless. Itâs just not needed. Sure you need thoughts to follow directions or plan a trip. But it is not your birthright to be stuck in ruminating thoughts that spin around and make you feel anxious.
When you donât pay attention to thinking, youâre open to life as it is. You relate to others with your heart open instead of with fear of abandonment or disapproval. And you take things as they come without resisting them. Sound good?
Tools
Insights are often not enough to change your relationship with your thoughts. Thinking has a strong momentum to it because it has been reinforced for decades, so you need tools to apply in the moment when you realize youâve been lost in thought.
As you commit to working with thoughts, you will get lost in them. Expect that to happen many times, and donât think youâve failed when you realize it.
See each realization that youâve been thinking as an opportunity to do something different. Really, see it as a celebration, a âYes,â a moment when the veil of thinking drops away and you have choices available to you.
Stop and breathe.
When you become aware that youâve been thinking, stop and breathe. Take a big expansive inhale and breathe out. Youâre home!
Shift attention away from thinking.
Notice that your attention has been glued to thoughts. Shift your attention away from the content of the thoughts. Lose interest in what theyâre telling you because theyâre probably not helping you be happy and at peace in the moment.
Instead, take a few conscious breaths, look around you and reconnect with your surroundings, feel your body, and notice that youâre present and alive. Your whole energy will shift.
Feel the sensations in your body.
While youâre completely in your head, it feels like youâre cut off from whatâs happening in your body. One of the ways to short circuit thinking is to move your attention into your body to feel the sensations that are present in the moment.
If this practice is new to you, youâll probably notice a lot of tension. When I speak with people who are caught in their minds and ask them how their body feels, across the board they tell me they feel tense and contracted.
These unexplored bodily sensations are the fuel for thinking. They are interpreted as signs of threat and fear. Leave them unnoticed, and the anxious stories will run amok. Breathe with these sensations and let them be, and your experience in the moment will be one of ease and peace.
Expand into presence.
The awareness that is always here in the background of any experience is free of thinking. Being aware is the steady, stable, ever-present space that exists whether thoughts are present or not. You can be aware of things such as thoughts, physical sensations, objects in a room, or other people. And you can be aware of the experience of being aware.
When you expand into presence, which is the experience of being aware, you’ll get a taste of this space that is free of thought. Rest your attention here, and you’ll notice great peace and relaxation.
Be open to fresh and new options.
You donât need to rely on thinking to live. And if this insight is new to you, you may wonder what to do next. Here are some possibilities:
- Trust the truth of the moment and not your thoughts.
- Be open to what the moment brings to you.
- Instead of being motivated by fear and anxiety, ask, âWhat would love do?â or âHow does life want to move me right now?â
- Be in wonder and âdonât knowâ mind, and see what feels right to you.
Persistence and Dedication
Often people will say to me that theyâve done what I suggest, but it hasnât worked. This tells me that they are still harboring an expectation that the thoughts will disappear and theyâll never get hooked again.
Expect to get hooked by your thoughts! And take each moment as an opportunity for finding your way to peace. Be persistent and dedicatedâbecause your happiness is at stake.
I eventually got to the point of not believing any of those pesky thoughts. They could come and visit meâand they doâbut Iâm not bothered by them. Literally, they float across the background of my awareness, and I donât pay attention to them.
And now thereâs space for so much joy, peace, and ease.
What About You?
Are you bothered by thoughts? Have you found freedom from them? Iâd love to hear⊠And if youâre reading this by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
And if this post resonates with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear these words.
Love always,
Gail
PS: This is the last week for the introductory special of Guided Meditation for Wholeness, Clarity, and Freedom. You’ll get three volumes for the price of two, which includes 32 different meditations. Please click here for all the details!
Silvia says
Thank you, Gail. Right on target, as always!
I think it is important to be able to distinguish the dimension of “no thoughts”, the one being, the awareness able to observe, include, accept, and transcend.
It happens that most of the time that dimension disappears as we get lost in the unconsciousness of thinking. It happened to me that I tried to observe my thoughts and I could only notice them afterwards, like “Oh, I was thinking of this and that”, which was only another thought and not real awareness.
So the âfirst stepâ is to stop and realize that awareness. Only from there we can observe our mental formations as they emerge as well as the feelings they trigger…
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Silvia, and awareness, as you say, is the space of no thought – although thoughts can appear in it.
When we put our attention on that which is looking, observing, and perceiving and rest here, there’s no longer any problem. We can expand into the full humanity of our lives without interference. Amazing that this is possible!!
Wayne Garabedian says
Gail that peacefully free space is where I have been trying to get to. Thanks for clarifying it’s path
Gail Brenner says
Where you are trying to get to, Wayne, is right here, closer than you could ever imagine. Look deeply within in your present moment experience beyond your mind. You already are the peace you’re searching for.
Pam says
I have come along way. Addicted to drugs and alcohol. It’s been three and half years cleans. I’ve reached my peace through meditation and mindfulness. I still have a chatty head but have more control over it. I have changed my diet to a plant based diet and have found peace of mind and the waves of sadness have left. It’s truly amazing. I have thoughts that cross my mind. They come and go like a wave not like a storm. They say you are what you eat. I now understand.
Gail Brenner says
I am SO happy for you, Pam! Your story tells everyone what is possible! Yes, thoughts can come and go like a wave and not a storm.
Not only are you what you eat, you have put in the effort needed to return to yourself. Beautiful…
Marilee Krause says
wow Gail, yes yes yes! right on and good timing as usual. Love, Marilee
Bernardo Mora says
Just wonderful; right to the point .
Yes, It can be done.
love and light,
Bernardo
Dhammika Abeysekara says
Thank you for the excellent post. Every thing needed to be in peace in one post. It really helps me to come home to peace.
Thanks again,
With love,
Dhammika.
Gail Brenner says
Yes! It’s very simple to come to peace once we know…
Tiffany says
again, the timing of this is perfect.. I have been working with a coach around this topic and it is so difficult to grasp? Intellectually I completely understand what is being said here.. but when the “threat” or danger appears I got lost in it and the stories so easily and fast I don’t ever realize.. This sounds so easy yet remains quite difficult for me at the moment. I am typing a note into my phone so I have with me all the time “Instead of being motivated by fear and anxiety, ask, âWhat would love do?â or âHow does life want to move me right now?â I like those two questions and think if I can get in to the practice of using them regularly they may help.. Maybe starting right now.. in every moment practicing with them so that when the “danger thoughts appear” it is already a habit to ask myself those?? Thanks Gail.. I always see your email as a gift from the universe!!
Gail Brenner says
This sounds right on, Tiffany. Use these tools with great joy if they help you. I didn’t say this in the post, but it helps to get fed up with thinking. See the insanity of it and how it affects you and everyone around you. Really get in your bones that it’s a whole extra layer that’s not needed.
Then have a conversation with your mind. Say, “thank you for trying to protect me. I appreciate all your efforts, but I don’t need you anymore. I got this.” Keep reassuring your mind that all is well.
Lisa says
Great article and I will be trying your suggestions. My mind is constantly going and chattering. Your right that it is usually negative things, and I get lost in the thoughts and it’s translating negatively in my life. Thanks so much for writing this post.
Gail Brenner says
Great, Lisa! A new relationship with the chattering mind is possible. Wishing you well with this…
Arnie Schildhaus says
As usual, Gail, concise and on target-a lifetime of listening to the mind becomes a habit, even addiction, but each time I take an awareness perspective, the thought stream recedes and appears to be weakening as the focus shifts-
thank you for the supportive and loving pointers-
Gail Brenner says
That’s just how it works, Arnie. We keep at it with diligence, returning to awareness as much as possible. Eventually, the mind gets the message that it’s not as important as it thinks it is.
Lorna says
Hi Gail, I struggle sometimes with this concept or idea that we are not our thoughts or more accurate for me, that we should not listen to our thoughts/feelings .I can pretty much go along with that, but what about when the feeling Inside of you is giving you advice to steer clear of something. Perhaps something you’ve done in the past that you are now confronted with again later in life. You may have feelings that tell you to get away from this. If you were considered, as many of us were, a codependent and you took the necessary steps of the old psychology of how to overcome that character, and a situation presents itself once again in your life after so many years, and you are having thoughts and feelings of getting away from the situation, are we to just ignore this? This very situation has presented itself in my life. I seem to be handling it much better than I used to be able to handle it. I am trying this time to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I am trying to see the good in the situation and not only the bad. I am trying not to flee or bolt unnecessarily.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lorna,
This is a great question that I’m sure everyone can relate to.
There is a difference between repetitive fear-based thinking and the voice of wisdom. So maybe you can try to make this discrimination. If you feel an urge from the past or the signals go off that tell you an old pattern might have been activated, then it’s time to slow down, look at the situation with clarity, and decide on the next step.
If you’re not sure, see if fear or clarity is at the root of these thoughts. Look for the inner knowing, that “yes” in the gut that knows what needs to happen. And ignore everything else.
Laurie Rothberg says
I keep trying with the meditation… When I swim or walk, my thoughts are more at peace.
It’s been 3 and 1/2 weeks since my falling out in an online relationship that seemed to hook me and not the other person. Almost impossible to get this person out of my mind.
I’m an artist and that too helps while I’m at it.
I take 2.05 milligrams of Xanax a day. It’s not much but helps.
Gail Brenner says
All the things you are doing seem to be helping, Laurie, and I’m glad for you. Keep turning your attention away from these obsessive thoughts every time they come. I feel your commitment to peace.
Denise says
I feel shame for living with my parents while in school. I’m 27 and I haven’t graduated yet but I’m looking forward to it. The things you read on the internet are so terrible and judgmental sometimes. My life probably won’t be the perfect ideal where I graduate in 4 yrs, get married at 25, get a great job, and have a few kids. It just didn’t go that way. I’m going to try to use these tips to end my suffering. I am starting to interact as if it literally defines me. It’s so much pressure!
Gail Brenner says
Please give yourself a break and be kind to yourself, Denise. Don’t read terrible and judgmental things. Orient your whole life toward what you really want. There is a myth out there that everyone should walk the same path. And many, many people don’t fit the mold (I am one of them). Walk your own path proudly. Use these tips to end your inner suffering, and live in the world grounded in yourself, peaceful, and loving.
We think we’re in charge, but there’s actually very little we have control over. Go fully into the flow of life as it guides you. Walk your own path, and don’t pay attention to those outside pressures. Trust yourself.
Dona Swenson says
I have been a ruminator for as long as I can remember. Each thought taking on a life of it’s own and becoming a giant wave that washes over me and slams me into the sand leaving my breathless. I have had a life that has been filled with rejection. Starting at birth when I was placed in an orphanage (Germany); later adopted because society at that time said a family should have 2 children; a boy and a girl. My father felt female children should be in the background and raise themselves, my mother who had no clue about nurturing was an alcoholic and ignored me; my older brother was the golden child as proclaimed by my father. When I was three/four my mother would send me to the neighbors house to get me out of the way; I was sexually molested many times; this man’s wife caught him and told my mother; instead of protecting me and giving me a feeling of being safe she blamed me and threatened me to not tell my father. This was just the beginning of what happens to a child who loses the person that they depended on to keep them safe and to trust. The world becomes a hostile and scary place. The accumulation of rejection, lose, manipulation by others, trust that turned to disloyalty has certainly been a heavy burden. However, I did have a moment of clarity yesterday. All those relived moments were nothing more than a shroud hiding what the core issue really is: the pain I feel inside that I am working to heal. I do know that the despicable actions of others is on them, not me. I have done my best to forgive each person, there are reasons behind every each and every action; that is their cross to carry. By forgiving them I give myself the power to move from the past and into the present. I am 60 years old and I realize that I have only so much time left to try to put together a life that is filled with joy, happiness and most of all peace.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Dona,
Yes, when our attention is in the swirling thoughts in our minds, we’re distracted from feelings. And for complete healing, these feelings need to be acknowledged and felt. I’m sorry for all you’ve experienced, but you are using it well to understand, heal, and ultimately be free.
You know that life you want – the one filled with joy, happiness, and peace? It’s absolutely possible for you. In fact, start to notice when these peaceful moments crack through the pain. I suspect they’re coming to you more and more.
Sending love…
Tristan says
Reading your experience… my heart goes out to you… for what it’s worth from such a distance…
Hoping you experience many, many moments of joy and belonging (in this whole big confusing, amazing experience we’re all part of) every day of your life.
I love thinking a lot, but learnt that it’s a good tool for analytical puzzles, while feelings just wanna be felt.
Feel like we’ve more than done our quota of thinking about how badly people can treat others! Hoping you have a truly lovely day.
Dona Swenson says
Tristan, thank you for your kind words.
R says
Nearly a year and a half and I received a facebook message out of the blue from a girl accusing my boyfriend of kissing her on a night out.
Many of her facts didn’t add up and on top of it I know my boyfriend too well that he would never do a thing like that and was with his friends who know me and how much he loves me on that night in question.
I have tried to work through the horrible thought that that girl put into my mind and my boyfriend and my relationship is better than ever. I have always been a worrier so this has been very difficult for me, ive had counseling to try and deal with my obsessive worried thoughts after this event and even hypnosis sessions.
even though I know deep down she was lying and its not true that my boyfriend loves me and would never have done that, I find myself anxious and think about it over and over, when I think im improving, the thoughts seem to come back.
My boyfriend is very supportive and does everything he can to help ease my mind and he is truly my best friend he knows im a worrier.
will I ever be free from that horrible memory? đ
I know there are many worse things that people deal with and worry about but sometimes I feel as though ill never be able to get rid of it from my mind?
my wish is that if the thought occurs it wouldn’t bother me anymore and I wouldn’t go over it in my mind and feel anxious and upset.
. I just think why would someone be that evil to lie about something like that but I know I cant understand why people do certain things but its just wrecking my head. đ
any help is greatly appreciated
thank you
R says
I try to be positive and think of all the great things in my life and all u have to look forward to ( my biyfriend and i are moving in together soon and there is talk of getting married in a few years) i know he woukd never hurt me like that but i cant get it out of my mind. All i want to do is b happy, calm and free from anxiety that these thoughts bring me. They just upset me so much
Gail Brenner says
Hi R,
I think it will help you to have a new relationship with the thoughts in your mind. It doesn’t work to try to get rid of these thoughts. But your job is not to pay attention to them, not to create drama around them, and to let them be.
Take what is offered in this article and let it help you. Read through each insight and apply it to your own experience – a thousand times if necessary. And use the tools each time. This is how you form a new relationship to your thoughts. Remember this: you need to not make the content of your thoughts real and important. Let them play like a radio in the background, but don’t actually listen to them.
R says
Thanks Gail i will try my best. Your right i think the trouble happens when i focus on the content of these negative thoughts.
But sometimes i feel as though they are weighing on my shoulders demanding i think about it.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, I know the power of the thoughts, but stay rooted in what you truly want. Truth and love will triumph.
S says
Such a great article!