“Non-attachment is not the elimination of desire. It is the spaciousness to allow any quality of mind, any thought or feeling, to arise without closing around it, without eliminating the pure witness of being. It is an active receptivity to life.”
Stephen Levine
Some time ago, I was speaking to a charming 92-year-old woman who was in a nursing home following a fall and faced with the probability of never returning to the home she had lived in for decades. When I asked her how she felt about this transition, with quiet strength she responded, “I’m not attached.”
She proceeded to tell me that as a young girl, following the death of her mother, she learned that being attached brought her suffering and being open to the comings and goings of life brought a sense of ease. This understanding enabled her to live life to the fullest – she had many wonderful adventures – as she was no longer afraid of what she could lose or gain. She has lived in true acceptance, and her sense of peace is palpable.
The Essence of Attachment
What does it mean to be attached? As we investigate closely, it seems to have to do with expectations. When we are attached to something – or someone – we want or need or long for circumstances to be a certain way. We want our partner to stay with us forever (or we want one to appear), we don’t want our children to grow up, we want our bodies to magically resist the reality of aging, we certainly don’t want tragedy to strike. We want things to be different, or we want them to stay the same.
Attachment carries with it the side effect of resistance. If we are attached to circumstances being a certain way, and they don’t match our wishes, we resist what is happening. Resistance looks like this: another lovely woman I know who is 88, losing her sight, barely able to walk across the room due to a failing heart, spending her days in despair wishing for her life to be the way it once was. She is attached to wanting things a certain way and is greatly resisting her present circumstances. And she is suffering tremendously.
The Reality of Life Unfolding
The truth is no matter what we want, the events of life happen, sometimes matching our desires, and sometimes not. So the question becomes: how do we meet the moments of our lives? We may not be able to control what happens, but we have the opportunity to choose how we respond.
So, consider asking yourself:
- Am I weighed down by hopes and expectations?
- Am I resisting what is actually here?
It all boils down to a simple truth: resistance brings suffering; acceptance and openness bring ease. We stop the inner war, and choose peace instead.
Letting go of attachment means receiving what is happening, without resisting. We hold our desires very lightly and stay open to what actually occurs. Even if it is the last thing we would ever want to happen.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being attached. But if we want peace, if we want to truly enjoy the moments of our lives, can we surrender into reality, as it is? Can we say, “Yes!” with an open heart capable of holding it all?
Is there any area of your life in which you are attached? How does being attached affect you and those around you? What do you imagine non-attachment would be like?
For another resource on attachment, please click here.
image: myklroventine
Great post, again, Gail, thank you. I am learning that I am a resistor, I want things to stay the same. I have had some great friends who I thought would be life long friends, but things changed and I felt terribly rejected. Now I find myself saying I am not going to get that close to anyone again, which seems to be letting go of the attachment, but not in a good way. I felt confused. As I was reading this post I thought, keeping myself from being close is not a form of staying unattached, it is still a form of resistance – I am still resisting what is actually occuring. I can be close to someone, but not “attached.” Another thing to work on 😉
Hi Deb,
Your intention to work your way through these tangles is so beautiful to watch – although I imagine it doesn’t always feel good to you. You are so willing to take a look at the hard.
And you have made a very good point here. You discovered that being unattached does not mean adopting a stance of not getting close. This is really the same as being attached – it still leaves us unempowered, not completely free to connect or not.
I might say that the only way to be truly close is to be unattached. When we are close and attached, there are “strings attached.” This is when we make subtle deals in our relationships. For example, a parent might communicate to a child, “I’ll approve of you as long as you do what I want you to do” or in a partnership: “I deserve your love because I sacrifice myself for you.”
When we are unattached in relationship, we don’t set up expectations for what the other person “should” say or do. We accept things as they are. This might mean the relationship deepens, or ends. Either way, there is open-heartedness, non-reaction, and inner peace.
Big hug to you…
I feel attached to my partner for 2years…I dont want to feel that way.
Then get clear about what you really want, Tanika, and start taking steps in that direction. Feel centered in yourself and close to what’s important to you, and go from there. Little by little we get untangled….
This was well written. I find that there are parts of my life in which I am attached – and then I have to learn to let go and detach again… even though there are parts of my life in which I am open to the world and the changes and whatever happens next.
The challenge I have is in teaching my daughter to detach – that letting go of expectations or the past will give her freedom and accepting the situation as it is will take pressure off of her and allow her to be herself and manage herself that much more –
And yet, to add to that a little – to detach opens her to the possibility of becoming attached and then hurt again… which is scary in itself
Wonderful thoughts Gail.
.-= The Exception´s last blog ..Story Telling =-.
Hi Exception,
This process of becoming unattached- it is ongoing. We realize freedom in one situation, and then our attachment pops up again at a later time or in another situation. Every time we experience the suffering that comes with attachment – this is the opportunity to shine the light on some reaction that is happening underground. There is some thought or feeling that has gone unnoticed – the evidence is the inner struggle we feel. Every time we are willing to investigate the attachment is the chance to ground more deeply in freedom – and the celebration of that freedom.
I love your beautiful intention to teach you daughter about letting go of expectations. These are wonderful lessons to teach our children. And it is so easy for us to be attached to their path. We so want them to learn, so they don’t experience hurt. Then our challenge becomes investigating our attachment to our children. And that is a sticky one – to let our children’s path evolve and know that even this we cannot totally control.
Blessings to you, my friend…
I agree with you and am experiencing this right now. Attachment (mostly in relationship to a man) has been a huge issue for me and I am finally working on it. I have consciously decided to “be on my own” for a while in order to see what comes up.
At first when I felt the emotion of attachment rise I gave myself a hard time for even feeling it. Now I am learning that the only way to get through this is to allow it to rise. The key is in recognizing it immediately and working at letting go immediately. Only in practicing this will all our habits of attachment disappear and we might actually be able to live a life detached.
I still want to live my life in an intense way, connected to people and things…yet always knowing that at ANY moment they could disappear, leave, die, move, break. And that is ok.
Thank you for your wonderful blog…i just recently discovered it.
Michele
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Life’s brittleness =-.
This is so great, Michele! All you needed to do was make the decision to start working on this area of suffering in you, and things are beginning to fall into place. I’m not saying it’s easy, but saying, “yes!” to your deepest desire for happiness and freedom starts a beautiful momentum that you are experiencing.
And I love that you understand clearly that it is all about the moment. Practicing letting go in every moment changes everything.
I think of the fruits of this process as being unattached rather than detached. As we shed the layers that bring suffering to our lives, we feel more alive and in touch. We live freshly – in the wonder and awe of reality as it is.
So glad to make your acquaintance! Love to you…
Hi Gail.
I am attached to various items that hold me back. I am attached to certain representations of myself that I have made to people in the past long ago. I maintain them for no valuable reason.
We sure do want circumstances to be a certain way when we are attached to someone or something. It is somewhat debilitating. I expect X and Y and Z out of an interaction with a random person I meet, and when those expectations aren’t met, it is like a let-down, when that is presumptuous in the first place.
I can receive what is happening without resisting. I hope this stays in my mind.
That 92-year-old woman showed strength when saying “I’m not attached.” It’s not so easy to say.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..The Hard Parts Are The Important Ones =-.
Hi Armen,
It’s amazing how quickly we can develop expectations and set ourselves up for suffering. And I can see the presumptuousness of it – who am I to expect some random person to behave a certain way. But that reaction of hurt or let-down can be like a light bulb turning on, a tap on the shoulder to notify us that there is some belief or feeling that hasn’t yet been fully explored.
Affirmations such as, “I can receive what is happening without resistance” can be useful to some degree, they are great reminders. But I have found that they don’t bring about deep and lasting change. Maybe it’s the way my mind works, but I eventually forget them. The only thing I have found that does work is to totally untangle our reactions so we aren’t triggered by them anymore – with great kindness and compassion toward ourselves.
I can see that you are inspired to let go of the items that hold you back for even greater freedom. I wish you well along your path…
Hi Gail,
I love the wisdom exhibited by the 92 year old woman. It is easy to see she will live out her life in peace and harmony. With non-attachment comes great freedom. I am reminded of the saying that, “you don’t own your things, they own you.” With material things we see this when we do something like buy a new car and worry about somebody scratching it. Clearly the car has has taken ownership of us. The fact that the 92 year old was not attached to her home shows she is quite enlightened. Great post.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..May is Meditation Month =-.
Thanks, Rob. Your words are always like a breath of fresh air to me. So clear and true.
Being attached to material things – a big issue for most of us. A very useful contemplation is to bring to mind all of the “stuff” of our life – home, car, bank account, treasured items, even people, then feel into the loss of each one. Really, what if we did end up homeless or in a wheelchair or without enough to eat? This is not an exercise to promote gratitude, although that might naturally happen, but a way to meet our own stickiness and fear around attachment.
When I was with the 88-year-old woman in the post, my heart would break over and over. She created so much suffering for herself by her unwillingness to let go of resistance (and thus her holding on). It was a great lesson for me in investigating attachment, that I am happy to pass on.
Great post on attachment. I can never hear this one enough. As a parent I find attachment comes in many different guises – It’s tricky. Just when I think I’m letting go of control and outcomes it pops it’s head up to allow me to experience it in a different way. Trust is a great antedote.
.-= Deborah Wall´s last blog ..To fall in love is easy, but it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes the person one desires to be. — Anna Louise Strong =-.
Hi Deborah,
I love that you mention trust. Trusting that we are not in control and that things will happen just as they are meant to helps to not be attached. Every time these sticky situations arise, no matter what the context, we are given an opportunity to make the choice to let go. The truth is: we have no control anyway. Attachment simply brings suffering – it is a resistance to what is. Allowing ourselves to melt into the truth of no control – and trusting the flow – and embracing whatever fears arise – this is peace.
Gail: Great post. It seems that it is easy to understand the reason why we should be detached, and of course less easy to actually make certain that is always occurring in every instance. For me, it has been a gradual process…one that I continually work at everyday. However, understanding the freedom and the peace that comes along with detachment motivates me to continually strengthening my ability to be detached. I think if we can find a way to always accept whatever comes our way, we really will life with the beautiful ease you described.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..How to Not Hold Yourself Back =-.
Hi Sibyl,
Easier said than done – so true.
Letting go of our attachments can only happen in the moment. If we realize we are resisting some aspect of reality, we can meet the fear and desire and return to a state of ease. The essence of accepting whatever comes is meeting the moments of our feelings and bodily tensions. It’s the subtle “ooh, I don’t want that to be happening,” the knotting in the stomach – recognizing these and making the space for them to be met in love.
Your desire to know, to be free, to live in ease is an inspiration. Thank you, Sibyl.
Hi Gail .. interesting isn’t it .. watching my mother die as I am now – she’s been bed ridden for 3 years .. I’ve wondered how she’s coped & apart from having a very busy, interested mind – she can’t read & at the moment can’t hear, though as that’s due to a cold .. I hope it comes back again .. she still talks to herself & to Hardwick her ‘toy dog’. A friend of my mother’s had said ‘ it’s her faith that keeps her going – but your concept of letting go is probably as much of the truth .. as she’s always let go – but I hadn’t realised that’s what it was .. ie she’s dealt with things and moved on.
I guess the less resistance we have the easier it is to pare down and start again ..
Thanks – this was useful .. Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Bat and Moth Survey Night – tonight =-.
Beautiful, Hilary. And welcome to you. So glad you stopped by.
Your observations of your mother are so caring and precise – she is fortunate to be so lovingly received by you. Perhaps she has let go, maybe a lot. If she doesn’t have a lot of psychological distress, it is a sign that she is at peace. And it sounds like you are as much at peace with her as she may be with herself. It is so true – less resistance=more ease.
Sending heartfelt wishes to you and your mother…
Ahhh….what a great post! I’ve found that learning to be unattached is one of the most liberating endeavors I’ve undertaken. There is such freedom in letting small things remain small. Thank you for your lovely words of wisdom!
.-= Melinda´s last blog ..The Freedom of Self Awareness =-.
Hi Melinda,
Welcome to you, and so glad to meet you!
I love your statement: “There is such freedom in letting small things remain small.” We can certainly embellish any small thing with a dramatic story that brings along with it turmoil and suffering. When we let things be just as they actually are, we don’t add anything to them. No resistance – freedom.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Hi Gail,
Non attachment is also letting go of the ego, isn’t it? The ego likes to be in control.
Non attachment is also knowing that life is a flow, always changing and trusting all is well.
As you say, it is a very difficult thing to learn, I too am non attached to certain things, partly because life experience has taught me that my life goes on regardless. I am not attached to many worldly goods after having twice left most of what I possessed behind. But I am attached to money and the supposedly security it gives me, but I am learning to get over that as well, one step at the time.
But non attachment is what gives us freedom and aligns us with the laws of the universe and therefore I too think it is worth paying attention to this. Love Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Money and water, you can think shortage or abundance. =-.
I love hearing about your process, Wilma!
We could say that it is the ego that is attached – the personal will that desires to be in control. So non attachment happens when we make the choice to not follow the ego, those thoughts that tell us what we need and have to have. Instead, we live in allowing – allowing the flow of life to show us the way. Rather than controlling, we live in the mode of receptivity and listening. When we are willing to drop our personal desires, we step into alignment with truth.
Holding onto our wants and needs creates a bumpy ride. When we get out of the way and receive life as it appears, there can be nothing but smooth sailing, no matter what happens.
Big love back to you, Wilma.
Hi Gail – You make your point about attachment beautifully and gently. Like Deborah, trust has a lot to do with it for me. If I can locate that trust deep within, then I can let go and detach. But it is a daily practice, and I imagine will be so for the rest of my days. And some days I’m better at it than others!
.-= Patty/WhyNotStartNow´s last blog ..The Trust Dilemma, Or Too Much Coke =-.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Patty.
I notice the name of your website – Why Not Start Now. This is a great reminder for all of us. In any moment, it is now, and in a sense we are beginning, rebirthing in every moment. Whether or not we were attached before, it is useful to see what this moment is asking for – maybe exploration into a stuck place, maybe clarity and serenity, maybe joyous celebration. So there is no success or failure – simply what is being asked for now. And in the now, anything is possible.
Sending love…
Several years ago we experienced many different types of loss. At least it seemed like a loss at first. What is really provided for me was a way to practice the art of non-attachment. I was able to learn a lot through those experiences. Sure I still have to remind myself that I am not defined by those things – but I found I am much happier if I don’t define myself by those outside experiences and things.
I have been wanting to help those around me begin to experience the same feeling. I’m not sure how to teach the art of non-attachment. Any ideas?
.-= Leisa Watkins´s last blog ..My Extrasensory Perception; Part 2 of My Life Story =-.
Hi Leisa,
A warm welcome to you – thanks for visiting!
Beautiful to hear how you took a loss and turned it into transformation. This is possible in any moment – not to get caught in our emotional stories, but to investigate them and use experiences for our own deepening.
I have found that the best way to teach is by being a living example. When you are truly clear and non attached, other people notice and they seem to be attracted to this clarity. And of course they are, because at some level it reminds them of their own true nature. Other than that, I’m not sure how to answer your question. it depends on the context, the people you are dealing with, and what seems to be appropriate in the moment.
I know the desire to want to shout a message from the mountaintops that you have found useful in your own life. This is another invitation to practice non attachment. For myself, when I am attached to other people getting the message or insight, and they don’t, I experience suffering. So maybe you can check in to make sure the “teaching” is given completely freely on your part.
All the best to you…
Wow! On my way to another website I accidentally hit my bookmark for your site. Exactly what I needed at that moment.
Thank You!
.-= occasionallyserene´s last blog ..What could you do, if you knew you could not fail? =-.
Your are most welcome. There are no accidents, so I am very glad you found your way here.
Wishing you well along your path…
I’m attached to success (or, not failing?), but what I’ve realised is that this attachment prevents me from trying new things…which limits my ability to succeed. I just keep swimming around in the same small pool, instead of taking the leap into bigger waters. So, my attachment to success is in fact my undoing. I’m learning to let go, which is very scary, but I can sense the release that’s on the otherside, and frankly it feels pretty nice! Thanks for a really well explained post.
Topi
.-= Topi´s last blog ..5 lessons I’ve learned from my children =-.
Hi Topi,
Your attachment to success may be your undoing, but it is also your doorway to freedom. And it is wonderful to hear that you are using it in this way. Attachment is all about fear, isn’t it? We’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t keep things exactly as they are. Your description of how this fear has held you back is very clear, as is your willingness to leap.
May your waters be vast and fulfilling….
Letting go of things has always led to the BEST things happening in my life. Sometimes when you don’t let go naturally, the Universe forces you to let go. I have resisted in the past and it is not fun. Now I try to be in the flow and always move on when I feel guided to. I feel sad when I see others attached to things, people or beliefs that no longer serve them because it seems that they could experience so much more in life if they would let go.
Welcome, Suzy! So glad you stopped by and left this sweet comment.
I am so happy for you that you have discovered the value of letting go. Holding on limits us, and letting go opens us up to possibilities we never would have thought of – as you well know. I love that you move when you feel guided to. What a lovely way to live – living in the YES!
I know what you mean about feeling sad about other people who are attached and suffering unnecessarily. We can only walk our own path. I trust that everything happens exactly as it should in its own time.
Dear Gayle,
Thank you so much for creating this blog. I am newly divorced and this is a very painful time of year for me (holiday season). I see how I bounce back and forth from acceptance to resistance of my situation–especially since I still am friendly with my ex as we had an amicable split. Anyway, I look forward to reading your posts as they help me so much. A sincere Namaste…
I’m so glad you found your way here, Raven. Welcome!
I want to invite you to be so incredibly kind to yourself. Check in to see what’s needed, and nourish yourself in all ways. Fill yourself up with your own loving embrace – have a holiday love-fest with yourself, and make the space for shifts to happen.
Sending so much love to you…
Dear Gail,
I want to thank you for sharing such an amazing information with us.I am really going through a massive heart break and I found your blogs while I was finding a peace online,it is helping me fight my situation with little ease than what i was.
I found that i am a resistor and I am really trying find out ,how can a person who loved you so much leaves you……. I am resisting this situation a lot because of attachment I had.But here I felt that attachment isn’t a choice, it comes by what you experience, then would deliberately letting go the attachment would be helpful?
I am relatively young here I guess and learning a lot ,thank you so much to create this wonderful place where we can visit and just receive wisdom..
Thank you ,
Prasad
Young and old, everyone is welcome here, Prasad!
You are wise to be investigating your attachment to the person who broke up with you. This is the path out of victimhood and into learning.
True love is not about attachment – it is free. It is devoid of need. It is about celebration. When you realize you are attached, it may not feel like you have chosen it. But once you see the reality of your thoughts and feelings, you have discovered the possibility of freedom. So, yes, if you want freedom, see where you are attached, and make the space for those attachments to fall away.
Sending love and support your way….
I’m trying desperately to understand HOW to detach. I can’t help but think detaching means having no feelings. Not so much material things, but people. I’m recently separated after a 30 year marriage and want to let go and take care of myself, but I find myself clinging to hope. I fully understand that I can’t control the situation, but I can’t seem to detach myself from what I’m feeling. I think I’m afraid that if I do a door will shut that I want to stay open right now. There is an inner struggle with myself. Why am I allowing this? It would be much more peaceful if I could just let go and let it take it’s course. Big wide world out there – perhaps I’m afraid….
Hi Kimberly, and welcome to you,
Thank you for this honest sharing of your situation. Things take time when there is such a pronounced change as the one you are going through. There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. In fact, if feelings are present, maybe you can allow them to be present and let them run their course.
Detachment doesn’t mean that feelings don’t arise. If you are not attached, it simply means that you are at peace within, that you are not relying on external circumstances for your happiness.
Be kind to yourself. Let fear, sadness, loss, and whatever else you are experiencing be welcomed. It will be a relief to not try to get rid of any feelings. Let it all be, and things will eventually begin to be more clear. Answers seem to come in their own time.
I wish you well…
Hi Gail,
In speaking of attachment, I pray every night for me to detach myself and my feelings to the man I am living with. So far it is getting a little better. In this area, I desperately want to detach my feeling from him
I find, in some ways, attachment is trying to control the other person. We want them to be what we want them to be, care for us the way we want and not necessarily who they are.
Yet, I look at my grandchildren and wonder how could I not be attached to them? I have two grandchildren near by who I am very attached to.
My other grandchildren live in Europe. When the first one was born and I would visit there and, upon leaving, I could not help crying and feeling the pain of separation.
Over the years, it has gotten better, since I realize it is best to not feel so one does not have to feel the pain. The not being attached with them, at times, feels like nothingness, which I do not like.
I am confused as to how to detach without stopping the love you have for someone?
Now, I getting attached to YOU. 🙂
Thanks for your wonderful blog,
Ginny ThePennyFriends.com
Virginia,
You ask such an important question – how to detach without stopping the love – or how to love without being attached. The secret has to do with realizing what we cannot control (almost everything) and knowing that whatever is in our lives is temporary. Love without attachment is love in the moment without need or lack. It is pure appreciation, recognizing the depth of what is present. I might even go so far as to say that the only time we truly love is without attachment. That is selfless love and is not related to our own personal needs or desires.
When we start needing or using others to fill us up, attachment comes into play, and the suffering begins.
Sometimes we love so deeply that the pain of loss is almost too much to bear – such as the love you have for your grandchildren. Love them fully and feel the loss or whatever other feelings arise. This is the fullness of the human experience. Can we let our hearts be open to all of it.
Can you find the purity in loving? So much love to you…
Wonderful post, Gail, and very good timing for me right now. My long-term partner and I just split up and I do notice an inner attachment to what I wanted to happen. However, I notice when I can just identify the discomfort and pain and not turn away from it, try not to label it as good or bad, but actually allow it to be, even though I am not “happy” and still feel a sense of sorrow and grief, there is a peace underneath from letting go. For me, I know the key is to keep embracing my discomfort and giving myself compassion through this time to increase my well-being rather than get lost in despair. Thank you so much for your wonderful posts.
With metta,
Grace
Welcome to you, Grace, and thank you so much for your beautiful comment.
You have offered a recipe for freedom and a touching example of how to support ourselves during difficult times of transition.
We can’t rush the process, but we can lovingly embrace our experience, even when it is very challenging. Then the secret is revealed. Underneath even the most painful feeling, peace is possible.
Wishing you so much support and love…
Dear Gail,
Wonderful post. I do have questions though. There are two people in my life who are attached to attention brought on by playing the victim. Some the stories they have exaggerated or made up have been about my husband and myself. I would rather not have anything to with them, but my husband is still very attached and I see them visiting my home in the near future. My question is this, how does one remove the attachment from the feelings of betrayal and hurt while still remaining careful around the person(s) that caused them? Or is the desire to be conflict-free with such people an attachment (resistance?) in itself?
Thank you for your time.
I appreciate your question, Tina. This is a difficult situation you find yourself in.
It sounds like your inner wisdom speaking when you say that you would rather not have anything to do with these people. So in being around them, you are in essence trying to go against the truth as it is coming through you. I can’t tell you a good way to do that. You have a few plates up in the air – your feeling betrayed, your husband’s desire to socialize with these people, your desire to not do so, your desire to be polite. Knowing that, you can do your best to navigate through.
Whenever we encounter difficult feelings, we have an opportunity to investigate a tender place inside that is not yet completely free. First, let go of blaming others for the fact that these feelings are present. Second, recognize the story you are telling yourself about these feelings. Third, welcome the direct experience – the physical sensations – with love and acceptance. I talk about this a lot in the current series on feelings.
As you are able to lovingly be with your hurt and betrayal, you might find that you can have compassion for all concerned, including yourself and the others. People who play victim and make up stories are hurting also. When we can meet at the level of the emotions that trigger the problem in the first place, there is great potential for open-heartedness and healing.
Sending love and support…
But how do we let go of our attachments? I’m having great difficulty.
Welcome to you, M, and thank you for your question.
Often at the root of attachments is fear. If you are attached to a person, you might be afraid of losing their approval or afraid of being alone. If you are attached to money, you might be afraid of how your life would be if you didn’t keep control over this aspect of it.
Whatever you are attached to, see if you an identify the fear you are feeling. Then let yourself meet the fear in a friendly way. Feel the sensations in your body and the energy of it. Recognize that you probably think you are missing something and you need that thing to be whole.
Then explore your natural wholeness. Before all your thoughts and fears, you are alive, at peace, and completely fulfilled. This is your natural self that has never not been here. Learn to take good care of yourself by not putting your attention onto the people and events of the world that scare you and make you feel like you are less than. Be receptive to what arises just as it is, let everything be in great spaciousness, and you will find the light in you that has always been shining brightly.
Sending love and support…
Hi Gail,
This is quite the thought provoking article and one that gets you to stop and think about ones own circumstances and reflect on why pain was felt in situations where they have not got as “expected.”
I say to myself and like to promote to others that expectations set you up for a down fall. The problem is, we all have pre-conceived ideas of how certain situations should be – i.e. at work, “I expect to move up from the value of my contributions to lead me towards financial contentment”. With partners, “I expect to connect with the other half and expect to have monogamy, trust and loyalty”. In both those examples I have experienced times where I have been hurt in relationships where I felt that one should not cheat on another, where a hard work has been overlooked or not recognised – and ultimately you reflect and think, well why wasn’t it? If you do X – Y – Z, shouldn’t you get the return? This is expectation in my mind and hence attachment. But how do remove this?
A situation or a part of our life will inherently create an expectation and we build attachment from this. This is a great article to reflect, how would you suggest to break free from attachment and expectation? The notion of freedom of mind to see outside of your “expectations” and not be limited by attachment sounds wonderful. What I would like to understand is how you maintain interest and show compassion to things that matter? Is ambition, relationships and other things that ultimately do contribute to happiness through achievement and love directly linked to attachment and if you remove the link do you lose the others?
Thank you for opening my mind to this concept further and I would love to hear how you would deal with this…
Sunny
Hi Sunny, and a warm and sunny welcome to you – even though it’s cold and rainy where I am right now!
First, how to break free of expectation and attachment. As you say, expectations seem to develop naturally as a result of life circumstances and our reactions to them. We are doing well at work, then an idea forms that we should get a promotion or raise. This is where the trouble starts. An idea forms, and we begin to believe that it is true. To unwind this, recognize that an idea is a thought, and every thought is to be questioned. You can find out in your own experience that every thought contains an untruth, an element that is not real, so it is not to be believed without questioning it. It’s no problem that the thought appears, but when it slips in under the radar, it becomes a belief system, setting us up for expectation and disappointment. Reality does what it does – it doesn’t decide what to do based on what we want and believe. So the more these thoughts can be seen as not true, the more aligned you are with how life flows. How to do this? No magic answer.
Make truth and understanding a top priority in your life.
Set aside time every day to reflect on your reactions and see how they were triggered.
Study the nature of reality and investigate all thoughts.
It is habit to believe thoughts that appear in the mind, meaning it happens unconsciously. Cultivate being conscious, and more and more you will be able to see troublesome thoughts and choose not to react to them.
Second, what happens to ambition, relationship, and achievement without attachment? You will have to see for yourself. But I would suggest not buying into any ideas or pictures of what you think this might be like. Stay very open as you have interactions with people without expectations, as an experiment. Do you stop loving and caring? Set aside goals and achievement for an hour or a day. Does anything get done? You can trust in life. It might invite you to rest for a year or take on a grand project or walk away from your current relationships that you know are not completely clean anyway.
Life is infinitely intelligent and loving. But it is not personal and doesn’t cater to personal desires. Let them fall away, stop resisting life as it unfolds gloriously, then enjoy the freedom that non attachment brings.
Any questions or reactions? Love to you…
This question might be out of context.
How does non attachment apply to suffering, pain and trauma… For example, victims of sexual assault?***
Welcome to you, Elizabeth, and thank you for your wonderful question.
Attachment is at the core of suffering. If you are attached to things being a certain way, and life brings you something different than what you want, then you are very likely to suffer. That is the relationship between suffering and attachment. It also says that investigating attachment can be the path to freedom from suffering. You no longer apply your ideas about what should and shouldn’t happen to reality, rather you align with reality as it actually is.
Part of the path to healing for victims (maybe we can say survivors?) of sexual assault is to let go. There will probably be a big belief operating – this shouldn’t have happened to me, whoever did this shouldn’t have done it or should be punished. These are expectations, reasonable ones, but expectations nonetheless. And they will keep the victim identity running. And as we all know, life offers us what it does, not according to what we want or expect.
If you want to be free of pain, even from something as traumatic as a sexual assault, consider receiving what happens (or happened) without resisting it. This doesn’t at all mean condoning certain behavior or not having an emotional reaction. It means starting with the truth. Not wishing for different circumstances, but truly accepting what is as the starting point. Then you welcome emotions, energies, whatever arises as they are, which is the path to peace.
Love and best wishes to you…
Hello, I have been reading your posts, and they have been helpful to read so far, so thank you. I’m have long term depression/anxiety with massive attachments to past people/places – including a past image of myself, and not willing/able to let go, and therefore stuck alone miserably in the present with no hope for the future. I have also made so many mistakes and generally can’t forgive myself. -And definitely can’t forgive the people I trusted. the worst place to be in life I think, and I live with this every day, it’s hard. I am coming to a place where i don’t think trust is possible with anyone, so isolate, feel how bad the world is, how bad people can be, and lose trust in the human race.
Forgiveness I cannot do – for myself or others. Can releasing attachment be a different way to try and release myself?
Welcome, Tania.
You have good insight into what is going on with you, which opens the potential to shed these identities. For example, since you know you are attached to a past image of yourself, what holds you back from seeing yourself freshly, as you actually are right now? You know the past image is old, outdated, and inaccurate. What is the actual truth? Do you have the courage to see it?
You ask about releasing attachment as a way to release yourself. The answer is a big “Yes!” Release attachment to your memories, beliefs, fears, disappointments, expectations. Don’t worry about forgiving others. Free yourself from attachments and go from there.
May your journey bring you all that you are searching for. With love to you…
Thank you for replying. I usually have good insight intellectually, but that’s as far as it goes!
Do you do 1-1 teaching/coaching? I like what you say, just wish I could live it!
The next step for you, Tania, is to begin to apply what you know intellectually in the moments of your life.
Take any moment. See what thoughts are present, what emotions and sensations are in your body. Shift your attention away from thoughts and open yourself to simply be with the bodily sensations. This is how the story begins to no longer define you. You can know, in your heart of hearts, that whatever sad or demeaning story you tell yourself is absolutely untrue.
How do I know? You are the magnificence that is at the core of everything. Don’t accept that as an idea. Investigate with clear eyes, and the truth will be revealed.
Hi I’m 13, and I’m attached to my parents!!!
There going on holidays soon, I hate it when they leave, I always cry!! I even started crying already and they’re not going on holidays for another two months!!! What do I do??
This is such a sweet question, Robyn. Of course you’re attached to your parents! You love them and rely on them. I’m wondering if there are things that you are afraid of when your parents go away. If so, talk to them about your fears and hopefully they will be supportive.
And for now, see if you can focus on taking good care of yourself by being in the present. Do things you enjoy. Express your love to the people you care about. And when you feel afraid of them leaving or you miss them, soothe yourself by telling yourself inside that it will be OK and that you will get through it.
Thank you so much!!
You are most welcome, Robyn. I’m glad that you were looking for ways to help yourself. That says to me that you have that wonderful quality of openness to learning something new. I’m sure that serves you well.
Hey! it is really very good post by you as usual. The words are like meditating as we read. Thanks.
You are most welcome, Mr Game Changer. Thanks for stopping by.
Hi Gail, I enjoyed your article. I am in a sticky situation and have just recently discovered that my struggles are the expectations and resistance of attachment, to an ideal way of life; so this really hit home. I’m curious on what your thoughts are, following up on acceptance. I can imagine that people cling to ideas because they are not happy with their current circumstances, we as individuals have power only to change what we are in control of (such as our perspective) just as the 88 yr old woman suffers, she may not have much control over making her vision and heart better, so I can understand why she suffers accepting her situation. In your opinion, how would she be able to make the best of her situation in order to truly accept her circumstances? Or in another way, since we only have control over our own actions, how would a person pursue a dream or goal and stay level with the concept that the expectation to achieve the goal is not a sound idea? ….how would that person maintain positivity? Thanks for your time!
Thanks for your questions, Sarah.
Acceptance is always possible, and when things are accepted fully, even in what we might call challenging circumstances, there is the deepest peace. Suffering involves identification with a story, and stories are always interpretations. Getting to the truth of the matter offers peace, no matter what the story looks like.
As for pursuing a dream or goal, it happens one moment at a time. Living is a verb, not an endpoint. An idea appears, actions take place, but whether the goal is realized or not is not controllable. So do what you love and enjoy the process. Have a goal in mind, then forget it and don’t be attached to the outcome. Live fully now, and enjoy yourself. Where is happiness? Right here.