“What worries you, masters you.”
~John Locke
If fear is still controlling you, then this post is for you. We all know, that a fear-driven life doesn’t work. It keeps us small and limited and deprives the world of our full and magnificent creative expression.
Living in fear feels bad – have you noticed? Decisions fueled by “I can’t” and “I shouldn’t” bring only confusion and dissatisfaction to our lives. We lose focus, let go of our dreams, and accept mediocre as good enough.
This is no way to live.
Yes, fear is scary. It looms large. We are afraid of losing people, money, health, status. We fear being irresponsible or risking everything. We choose playing it safe over wonder, potential, and possibility. Is this you?
Many of us are locked into a fear-driven life. We’ve convinced ourselves that we just can’t take the risk to put the fears aside and move forward. So here’s the solution: we need to take a very intelligent approach to fear.
It’s not enough to say you need to banish fears or overcome them. When it comes to fear, you need to break it down and understand it from the inside out. You need to become familiar with the way it shows up in your experience and develop a lifestyle that keeps you alert and present so it doesn’t sneak up on you.
Addressing fear takes intention and willingness. Do you want to unlock yourself from fear? Then seriously consider these three vital keys.
Key #1: Get to Know the Face of Fear
Fear doesn’t always hit you head-on. For years, I had many symptoms of fear before I realized that it was actually driving me. And once I did, everything changed.
The intelligent approach to fear begins with recognizing it. And here are the clues:
- Obsessive worrying
- Imagining negative outcomes about the future – “What if?”
- Excessive mental activity that tries to analyze every angle of every situation
- Doubt and indecision – “Should I or shouldn’t I?”
- A low level of stress or anxiety, especially felt in your body
- A sense of living in your head, detached from your body – maybe it feels like this:
If you experience any of these symptoms, be curious. Look deeply into your own experience, and I bet you will see that fear is at the root. This is great news!
Recognizing the face of fear is absolutely essential if you want it to lose its power over you. Every time you realize that you are worrying, ruminating, or doubting, relax and say, “Hello, fear,” then go to key #2.
Key #2: Feel the Physical Sensations of Fear
What is fear exactly? The answer to this question is fundamental to unlocking yourself from fear.
We experience what we call fear when we tell ourselves a scary story and feel certain bodily sensations, such as tension or contraction. Make this understanding alive for you – right now – by checking it out in your own experience. You will notice a fear response that shows up in your body along with thoughts that doubt, worry, analyze, ruminate, plan, project, etc.
Congratulations! You have just shone the light directly on fear. You see that whenever you feel fear, there are physical sensations and scary, anxiety-producing thoughts.
These thoughts are reinforced by your attention to them, and they keep you stuck in fear. They aren’t logical or necessarily even true.
So rather than thinking these thoughts over and over (a recipe for continued unhappiness), bring your attention into your body, directly to the physical sensations. Open up your awareness to receive the actual experience of whatever you feel in your body. Breathe and just let them be, even if they are intense.
In the moment of doing that, you have disempowered the fear. You have taken your attention away from the thoughts, and you are simply being with the physical sensations.
This is the moment of freedom. When you feel the bodily sensations without the pressure of the fearful thoughts, you have unlocked the door to freedom from fear.
Key #3: It’s All About the Moment
It’s really important to understand that the goal is not to get rid of fear. Why? Because it’s not possible. Remember, this is the intelligent approach to fear. We want to be very realistic and practical to support you on the road to freedom.
And freedom doesn’t mean feeling no fear. It means working intelligently with your experience so fear no longer controls you.
Once you develop a rhythm of feeling the bodily sensations every time you notice fearful thoughts, fear simply loses its oomph. It softens every time you move your attention away from thinking and into the sensations of the body.
Add up these moments, and here is what you will notice: more peace, greater clarity about people and situations, more choices that you never thought of before, a lightness and brightness in your being.
The only time you can do anything intelligently about fear is when it arises in the moment. When you notice it, stop, breathe, feel. Every time is a turn of the key to freedom.
Now What?
As I’m sure you know, fear confuses you. It clouds your thinking toward the negative and leaves you blinded to the full range of possibilities in any situation. And it keeps you on lock-down.
Keys 1, 2, and 3 invite you to let go of fear-ridden thoughts and breathe with the physical sensations right in the body.
When fear is no longer driving you, it might be present, but so is your innate wisdom. You acknowledge the fear, see the truth of it – simply thoughts and sensations, and step forward released and free.
Does fear trap you? What has helped you find freedom from it? I’d love to hear…
Gina de Villiers says
Thank you for your site (to confess, I’ve been following for a while, but not really absorbing your content) and your post.
I’ve been stuck in a cycle of fear for a long while now, and this post is just what I need to help me begin rethinking the consequence of this spiral on my general mood, my overall happiness, my attention to work – everything.
And, having just taken the time to read this properly, I was led to other content on your site that was equally as thought-provoking.
Clearly, I shoudl be paying more attention to your posts!
So thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Gina! It is never too late. I am so happy that somehow this is your time and the posted landed in you.
I have experienced this myself in the past. There comes a time when you stop simply hearing the words pass across you, and you understand that they are pointing you to exactly what you need to know within yourself. This is a turning point. Be humble and receptive, and take it all in. Work with what you read in your direct experience in the moment. Then relax and enjoy…
MyPeaceOfFood says
This is very interesting to me, the possibility that just feeling the physical sensations could possibly somehow lessen the burden. Honestly, it almost sounds too good to be true. But I’m willing to give it a shot. I have not found a way to deal with financial worries…I keep finding myself saying “It’s not enough,” and only today did I realize I need to stop myself in my tracks and say “It IS enough. There IS enough. There is ALWAYS enough.” I’ve tried it in the past, but I’m trying now to make a more concerted effort…do you think it will help?
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Peace!
It is true that there is and always will be enough. But knowing that doesn’t really help unless you actually believe it. Repeating these phrases, like a mantra, might be helpful to you if you can convince yourself that they are true.
Personally, I like to approach these matters from the ground up. And for you, it sounds like the ground is fear. As I said in the post, the goal is not to get rid of the fear. It is simply to be with your experience in the moment and relax with that. You are telling yourself a story about your financial worries. These are thoughts, as you recognize. As long as you feed these thoughts with your attention, you will continue to be worried. By going directly to the physical sensations, you are showing disinterest in the story. This is where peace can be found.
Repeating the story of financial worries over and over in your mind doesn’t serve you or anyone around you. Breathe through the physical sensations, take care of any practical matters to the best of your ability, then go and enjoy the moments of your life. See in your own experience if they are already brimming over – with love, peace, wonder, gratitude. Live there, and all is well.
Deb Perkins says
Hi Gail,
One little sentence has helped me through my times of fear: “I am the space in which this is happening.”
It immediately connects me to the “who I was before I was born” part of me. Then I can just notice and participate in the worldly happenings without being overly identified with them. This doesn’t disengage me; it actually brings out my wisdom, presence, creativity, compassion, and love, and I end up doing what’s best for the good of all.
Thanks, Gail. Your posts are great!
Deb
marilee says
Dear Gail, This post resonates for me! Recently I realized I’ve been waiting all my life for the fear to go away, and to my surprise I find instead the liberation of welcoming it, dropping the story and feeling the physical sensations (to the last drop). This process has felt counter-intuitive, and I have been helped by reading Pema Chodron and getting support through emdr. And your posts! Thank you for your courage. Not for sissies! xxoo Marilee
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from someone in the trenches, Marilee. Thank you for sharing your process. You finally have seen that waiting for the fear to go away is never going to make it budge. Yay!
Yes, this process of looking inward to welcome fear is counterintuitive. We are wired to run from fear, yet going against that impulse is the true medicine. I love that you speak about receiving physical sensations to the last drop. The more intimate we let them be, the greater the possibility for peace. And if we see that there is no separation from them at all – no “me” separate from the sensations – then endless peace is possible.
Big hug to you…
Víctor says
Hi, Gail.
I read you often and your teachings are usefull to me.
The case if that I’ve always been tempted to travel alone for some days, but I’ve only done this one time in my life.
I felt empty and really ALONE and I decided to come back earlier. I like to share what I see, and travelling alone is not the best way to share our experiences.
Despite of this, I would like to overcome this psychological barrier, because I have much free time. I would like to enjoy and get rid of fear.
I’m not asking for a magical solution, of course.
I only want to expose my fear and be heard by an intelligent person.
I apologize for the grammar.
I’m from Spain.
Thank you very much, Gail.
Gail Brenner says
Hola Victor,
Everyone is welcome here – including people from Spain! You may have read that I traveled alone myself this past spring for a few weeks. I had fear beforehand, but found that none of my fears came true! I saw clearly that fear about traveling alone is totally in the mind.
You have a belief that traveling alone is not the best way to share experiences. I invite you to challenge this belief. Can you share experiences with yourself? See if your appreciation is truly diminished by being alone. Identify any other thoughts that run through your mind about traveling alone. See that they are simply thoughts that you can choose to define your reality – or not.
I spent a lot of time by myself in Paris and other places with a coffee or glass of wine either watching people or reading. I walked a ton all over. My perception became very acute so I could drink in every subtle aspect of the culture I was observing. I didn’t put attention into negative, fearful thoughts.
If I can do that, so can you. Be very loving to that scared part of yourself, but don’t let it rule your choices. Maybe that is the magical solution!!
Víctor says
Thank you very much indeed, Gail.
I appreciate your welcome and your commitment to the readers
The thing is that many of our problems are really simple to solve, but we can’t see it because of our wrong focus.
Your explanations help me to find the way.
I saw your post “I travelled alone”. I think I should pay more attention to find out what’s wrong.
Every moment in our lives is an opportunity to improve and get knowledge.
Good luck Gail.
I will continue reading your writings.
Susie @ Wise At Work says
Hi Gail.
I like reading about fear as it seems to buzz through me like a little bumblebee at times.
My house is on the market. And yesterday while scrubbing the bathtub before a showing, I realized I was holding onto the sponge as tightly as I was the desire to sell the house . My body started feeling the tension of desire and also fear (fear of not selling the house, etc.) Once I allowed the sensation, I was able to honor it and redirect my thoughts toward the gratitude for this house. I was truly amazed at how much contentment and peace flowed through me as I reflected on the blessings of this house.
Of course, these experiences buoy me for when the bumblebee starts buzzing again.
Thanks for a terrific post.
~ Susie
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Susie. When all the readers here hear about how others are finding freedom from fear, everyone is supported. I love how you just brought your attention right into your direct experience and just allowed it to be. That gave you the space to redirect it to something more true and affirming.
I appreciate your visit and taking the time to comment.
Bonnie Perry says
Love the little stick figure drawing referencing one way to recognize the face of fear! That sure has been me until recently.
Thank you for reliably pointing us to awareness and emphasis of the bodily sensations instead of the runaway train of the mind-talk. It has helped me turn that stick figure upside-down to the emphasis in the body rather than the thoughts and find the direct evidence of reality. Very helpful. Its gets easier and easier to step off that train.
Appreciatively,
Bonnie
Gail Brenner says
I’m glad you are noticing that it is getting easier to step off the train, Bonnie. This speaks to sustaining willingness and enthusiasm for freedom. It takes time to erode those runaway-train patterns, and you are evidence that staying with it matters.
And sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words!
Galen Pearl says
I laughed when I saw the graphic for living in your head. I lived like that, but the big circle head was detached from the little stick figure–even worse!
I just had a two hour, very healing conversation with someone today. We went back over all that had happened years ago to create such enmity between us. Much of my contribution to the adversity came out of feeling so threatened and terrified, and handling that by attacking. Fear drove everything. I can see that so clearly now. What a poison.
Great article, as always!
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy for you, Galen, that you were able to have this conversation. It takes two people who are open and willing. And good to see how fear was driving you. I have had instances of looking back and feeling so much sorrow for the way things were. There was nothing I could do about it at the time – I was doing my best – but I feel sorry for the effects on myself and others.
When we tell the truth, even when it is difficult, everything comes out of the shadows, and freedom is possible. This is true medicine.
noch says
i am a big worrier, and i always think “what if” for the worst case possible… my fiance loves to say to me “what if the world falls down” whenever i asks him about something that is too ‘what if’… and then i chuckle and think, yeh well, chances are this won’t happen anyways, and it helps me alleviate my worry, little by little, i can train my mind to challenge my own thoughts and i’m slowly getting better at not getting too anxious when i feel worried, and hopefuly one day i will stop thinking “what if” all the time!
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you brought up “what if.” This is a thought that projects negatively into the future. And here is the absolute truth: we don’t know. You can’t know if what you are thinking is going to happen or not – until it does. So if what you want is peace and happiness, living in the “what if” doesn’t serve. But living in the unknown – which is what we are living in anyway – now that is a different story. When we float in the unknown, we live in wonder, possibility, and acceptance. That is the true end of fear.
noch says
indeed, and to stop finding every risk that we think something bad is going to happen. after all, even if it’s ‘what if’ scenario, it could be a good one right? 🙂
so no more what ifs!!!
Gail Brenner says
Good point, Noch. What if’s are almost never positive, are they? The truth is that we don’t know about the future until it happens. So we are asked to stay open and receive.
Cathy|Treatment Talk says
Hi Gail,
We can all get into the fear mode, but I have worked really hard these past few years to let fear go and only deal with what is in front of me at the moment. It feels like a waste to spend so much time worrying about things that are probably not going to happen. When I start asking “what if,” I just remind myself to focus on the present.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for sharing your success, Cathy. You’ve taken a very logical approach – deciding not to worry about things that probably aren’t going to happen. And you have come to see “what if” as a signal to focus on the present. That way “what if” is no longer a problem. Sounds like a recipe for peace.
Ken Wert says
Hi Gail!
I love this line: “And freedom doesn’t mean feeling no fear. It means working intelligently with your experience so fear no longer controls you.” That’s so true!
I find many people think fear is necessarily a bad thing. Fear that cripples us or stops us from experiencing life on a deep level or is so incessant that it eats us up is certainly something to overcome. But fear is also a rational response to scary things. And there are scary things in life!
Great advice on defanging fear by feeling the physical sensation of fear in the moment!
Great article, Gail! Thanks!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Ken,
It sounds like you and and fear have a good relationship! It’s about working with the fear, rather than resisting or banishing it, as you have realized.
And did you really say “defanging” fear? What a great way to frame it!
Karylle Lynch says
Hi Gail,
This is very encouraging and inspiring post!
Fear is so true. And everyone has its own fear. And honestly, my life before is driven with so many fear…fear of the unknown.. And one thing I have discovered about fear is that it can be a wall or a way.. A wall because it can block our way and we will never knows what is behind that wall forever. It can also be a way to become the person that we want to be, by conquering our fears.
I’m happy that I got courage to find my way by conquering my fears.
Thanks again for sharing this post!
Karylle
Gail Brenner says
Hi Karylle, I’m very glad for you that you have found your way through your fears. Thanks so much for stopping by.
Mads Singers says
Since i first started understanding the impact of fears (When reading “Think and Grow Rich”),
I have seen how understanding fear help your so much. I dont believe anyone will ever live completely without it, but “Understand to Control”
Kind Regards
Mads
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Mads. We can control fear by controlling where we put our attention. If we feed the scary stories that fear brings to our minds, then we feel like we don’t have any control over it. But if we recognize fear, then move our attention to our breathing or to the aliveness percolating inside, fear loses its power.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Shay says
It so weird. Currently I’m in a Musical production of a show I’ve done many times with loving and kind individuals. I have two songs in the show that I sing beautifully off stage. But the moment the lights are up, my body is over come with “fear” and I can’t breathe deep enough or lose myself enough in the moment to excel at these songs I’ve already performed and executed so perfectly in the past. My body tense. My voice strains. I shake and I doubt everything coming out of my mouth. Please help. I just want to be myself. That’s it. No more, no less because myself has done and can do these two small numbers with ease under any other circumstances.
Gail Brenner says
The strategies to deal with fear are both physical and mental. So experiment to find what works for you. And use these strategies a lot – not just when you’re ready to go on stage.
Physical
Take 3-5 deep, slow, conscious breaths
Gentle body movements such as arm circles or forward fold and rolling up to standing
Shoulder rolls, neck rolls
And any other movement that touches into where you feel stress in your body.
Mental
Recognize the story running in your mind and turn down the volume on it.
Create a relaxing image in your mind and return to it often.
Center yourself in your heart and how your intention is to move the audience with your singing.
These are just a few idea that I hope are helpful for you.
angela says
I get what the article says about moving from thoughts to the body sensations which works most times except for this:. my intense fear (phobia) is about how the body feels when I am triggered by my phobia of a bodily process – the body sensations seems to be what I am afraid of (although yes, behind that is the idea of what it all means – which is a thought). I have difficulty disidentifying from the thought which I believe is true – it is linked to my childhood where my caregiver rejected that part of me. So if I can’t go to my body or to my thoughts when this situation arises, what can I use – something neutral like the breath?
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your question, Angela. Yes, you can go to your breath if it feels neutral to you, but for some people even the breath is a trigger.
Another option is to use your senses to orient to your present moment experience, grounding your attention in what you see, hear, taste, smell, and feel. “Seeing a tree, hearing a humming sound, etc.” Regarding the feeling part, feel your feet on the floor grounded into the earth, or your back against the chair. You might even do some gentle movement and feel the sensations as you move.