“I wish that every human life might be pure transparent freedom.”
~Simone de Beauvoir
I have come across a treasure trove of useful articles about relationship recently. If you are interested in deepening in your exploration of relationship, any of them, then be sure to take a look.
- From Sibyl Chavis at Possibility of Today: 30 Tips for a Great Relationship
- From Tess Marshall at The Bold Life: 25 Tips to Boost the Love Factor in Your Relationships
- From Jonathan Wells at Advanced Life Skills: 10 Timeless Guidelines for a Happy Relationship
- From Jayson Gaddis at Jungle of Life: The Most Effective Way to Deepen Your Relationships
You can glean just as much from these posts if you are single as if you have a partner. Because, as you will see, the ultimate relationship skill is to know your own triggers and learn to intelligently deal with them. And who can’t benefit from that?
The Necessity of Taking Responsibility
Pay close attention to what you bring to any interaction.
- Are you ready for a fight?
- Are you waiting for the other to satisfy your every need?
- Do you show up bored, half-present (which is not present at all), already thinking you know how the conversation will go?
- Do you try to help, save, and fix while sacrificing your own needs and desires?
None of this is about the other person. Holding up the mirror and seeing that the responsibility is yours paves the way for inner peace and outer harmony. You investigate how you get caught so you can be open, transparent, and available to intimacy.
A Common Story
I know whereof I speak when it comes to struggle in the area of relationships. Even friendship didn’t come naturally to me, let alone a healthy connection with a romantic partner.
Then I realized the futility of waiting for Prince Charming to show up at my door. That’s when I got down to business and began to meet my fears and emotional reactions with unflagging honesty.
I saw how I had not been the easiest person to get along with. I pulled out of need and pushed out of fear. No wonder there was so much drama.
Now my policy is this: I notice when I am triggered, then meet my expectations and emotions with curiosity and love. Ninety percent of the time, the trouble miraculously dissolves. No need for āthe talk,ā which is most often leaking our own unfinished business into the relationship. No more short-circuiting intimacy in the name of communication.
And, although I don’t think this has everything to do with it, I am engaged to the most wonderful man in the world (an unbiased view).
Relationship Is Opportunity
If you are single, use this time well. Read carefully: become the one who the one you are looking for will clamor to be with. Recognize the story of lack and realize there is nothing lacking when you tap into the fullness of you. This is a win-win situation. You get to be happy, no matter what.
And if you are with a partner, look first within. Clear yourself out. Make a lifestyle of not looking outside yourself, even to the one right next to you, for your emotional rescue.
Maybe you will be surprised, as I was, at how easy it is to love ā in a healthy, sane, and sustainable way ā when you come from a heart that is already overflowing. Take care of your own business, and you can love without attachment, honor and cherish while holding nothing back.
Where do you get stuck when it comes to relationships?Ā What is your hook that needs your kind attention? I’d love to hear…
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
They sure are for us to wake up. I meet new people every week and learn from it.
Your part here “If you are single, use this time well. Read carefully: become the one who the one you are looking for will clamor to be with. Recognize the story of lack and realize there is nothing lacking when you tap into the fullness of you” is just great. This is the best way to go. Someone else was saying something similar last week in a discussion we were having. Your way is a realistic and forward-moving way to describe what to do.
Good to be up here in Gail Central. That man you are engaged to is thinking “wow this is great how things are going for me” so that is good too.
I got some good value here.
Gail Brenner says
Your comments always make me smile, Armen. I love hearing that you are so open to learning from your relationships. And glad to see you back in the blogosphere!
winsomebella says
What we sometimes forget is how easy a relationship is when we know and love ourselves. As you say, it’s easy to love when you come from a heart that is already overflowing.
Gail Brenner says
So true, Bella, and I imagine you know from your own experience!
David says
Hi Gail,
Very interesting reading again. I believe that these pointers under The Necessity of taking Responsibility can also be beneficial in friendship and business relationships. One has to be open & have a want to understand the other. Thank you.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
I completely agree about business relationships and friendships, David. These reminders apply to all relationships. Every one of them is an opportunity for stress or for peace.
noch says
i find that my pride gets in the way – it’s always partly my fault when we get into a fight, but i’m too proud to say “i’m sorry” š
Gail Brenner says
So honest, Noch. Thank you. Who doesn’t feel that pride of wanting to be right and not wanting to admit our share in the trouble? I know I’ve been there.
What is pride? It has a huge “I” sitting in the middle of it. I’m right, I don’t want to be wrong, I need to preserve an appearance of having it all together. And if there is an “I,” there is a “you.” We can call that separation or division. Then it boils down to what you want? There is a saying, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be close?” There is no right or wrong answer. It highlights the choice that is available to make.
“I’m sorry” may feel a little creaky at first, if you’re not used to it, but you may find you enjoy the results.
Sending love your way, heart to heart, no separation…
Galen Pearl says
“I notice when I am triggered, then meet my expectations and emotions with curiosity and love.” This sentence was the key for me. It keeps the focus on what is happening in me, rather than lashing out or blaming someone else. Goodness knows life has given me more than enough opportunities to learn this one!!
Gail Brenner says
I know, Galen. I just learned it in the past couple of years. But it is so obvious to me now. When I feel triggered, I just see it and relax. Then I recognize the thoughts – usually a story spinning – along with emotions and sensations in my body. It’s all there when I’m triggered. Then I just allow it all to be, and sometimes it is very strong experience, but I just let it burn.
Almost all the time, it dissipates with time and this focused attention – leaving me more relaxed, and my partner happily clueless about what just happened. It’s almost like a secret weapon. Even if it doesn’t dissipate, I get the insight that it is an edge for me to pay attention to and has nothing to do with my partner.
Laura says
Thank you, Gail! As always, your comments and insights help me learn more about myself. I have grown by leaps and bounds thanks to much personal reflection, seeking my own inner peace that I may fill my own cup, and not look to someone else to fill it. And now, for the first time, maybe ever in my life, I am truly happy, and it shows. Radiantly. Abundantly. I should have thanked you before, many, many times over. Your words of reflection have guided me well. Thank you again!
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful to hear from you, Laura. Thanks so much for writing.
Yes, when you empty yourself out, you are totally full – and it can’t help but show.
You are most welcome. Enjoy yourself!
Cathy|Treatment Talk says
Hi Gail,
I like this, “become the one who the one you are looking for will clamor to be with.” – so true. We need to find ourselves first and then we have something to give. It took me awhile to get that one straight, but working on ourselves can help us find the answers to what will work for us in a relationship.
P.S. Love the pic!
Gail Brenner says
Cathy,
What you say is so true, although it may sound counterintuitive. We are taught that we need to focus on the relationship to make it work. Yet when we come to the relationship full and conscious of our own reactions and choices, the “relationship” is so much easier. And that’s what creates the win-win – we end happy relationship or no relationship.
Christopher Foster says
As always your words resonate so clearly for me Gail. I especially love what you say about how you handle things when you get triggered.
Very thankful for my connection with you.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Chris,
When triggered, we have a choice. I have been amazed at the fruits of taking in my reaction and not seeing it as something that necessarily needs to be discussed. I’d love to hear about other people’s experience with handling their triggers, too.
Bonnie Perry says
I have found that all my relationship triggers are, at their deep core, a moment of fear that someone I care about is behaving in a way that will prevent me from being able to love them……..for that is actually all we want to be able to express, in one way or another. But, if we relax and question that assumption before we harden and react defensively, more and more we find that nothing can keep us from loving. Not to be corny, but to be loving is our natural capacity.
Bonnie
Gail Brenner says
Not corny at all, Bonnie. Who you are is love. At the core, the source, you can’t help but love and no one could possibly prevent you from loving. Investigating any belief that convinces you otherwise is wisdom.
This is the truth in the absolute sense. At the level of forms, though, we may need to love from afar and love wisely. We all meet in love at the core of who we are. But not all conditioning is so lovable – ours and someone else’s. This is where the “work” of relationship lies – to shed our conditioning and live from the aliveness that is love. Then, clarity is revealed.
Ken Wert says
Hi Gail!
I love this: “Make a lifestyle of not looking outside yourself, even to the one right next to you, for your emotional rescue.” So many people rely on the person they are in a relationship with to feel good about themselves. “You make me so happy” is just as bad as “You make me so mad.” Anytime you give your happiness or anger to someone else to determine you weaken yourself. And any relationship suffers when you enter it from a position of relative weakness.
Thanks for this awesome post, Gail!
Gail Brenner says
You are so welcome, Ken. “You make me…” Yes, these are dangerous words, aren’t they? And I love your point that completing that sentence with “happy” is just as troublesome as “mad.”
It’s so beautiful to be able to show up full, open, and available. No need, no lack, no strategizing. All that’s left, then, is celebration.
Priscila says
I just stumbled on this webpage and I am so glad. But – what happens when you love yourself, know who you are and that happiness is inside of you, yet you are not able to maintain long-term relationships. Maybe a misconception of love? Or maybe some people are meant to be alone!?!?
I am thinking this is what is meant for me. I do want to share my life and my person, but it seems like after a while there is no emotional intimacy and it seems you are just in the relationship due to a commitment to the other.
Gail Brenner says
So glad to meet you, Priscila. Welcome!
I can’t give you advice about your particular situation, but here are some thoughts that come to mind.
Are you choosing partners who are good people and right for you? What role is each person playing when the intimacy fades? Do you or your partner have any beliefs about what relationship should be like that are getting in the way? Is there open communication? You are right – the relationship can’t be sustained by commitment alone, although this is an important piece. There has to be a willingness to show up fully, to see and be seen, to listen, to be curious, to keep the relationship alive.
There is a lot here to contemplate. I so appreciate that you are asking the important questions.
Crystal says
Good Morning Gail,
Iāve just entered into a new relationship and I can honestly say that it has been one of the easiest beginnings to a romantic relationship that I have ever experienced. The guy I am seeing is very kind, loving, respectful, engaged, and committed to courting me (I know courting sounds old-fashioned). So what is the problemā¦I donāt know how to receive love in an intimate relationships. It is apparent to me that I like a challenge, which often comes in the form of a guy that is not emotional available or just turns out to be a jerk. And, I hate to even admit it, but I feel most alive when I am aggressively pursuing something. And anything that comes too easy becomes boring to me. I donāt want this to be my reality, but I just donāt know why this is.
I read the section in Tolleās book, to accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy. And what Iām discovering about myself is that I am a real piece of work that is never satisfied. Feeling a little hopeless right nowā¦
Gail Brenner says
Hi Crystal,
What comes to me from reading your comment is to invite you to sit quietly with yourself and ask yourself what you really want. See if you can go beyond the fight between how you are and how you would like to be or think you should be. Don’t try to figure it out – go deeper, ask the question – “what do I really want?”, and listen for the answer.
When you are clear, use this as a guideline. When you feel the pull to close yourself off from intimacy or go toward a situation filled with drama, stop and feel the impulses without acting on them. This will reveal what has been driving you. Remind yourself of what you really want.
As a hint, what often pulls us into unhealthy relationships is an inner sense of fear or lack. Do you feel you are lacking something that a certain kind of relationship fills up in you? Reflect on this with great honesty.
There is something in you that wants to heal and thrive, that wants to be available for true intimacy. Make the space for that to flourish.
Sending love…
Crystal says
Thank you Gail!!!