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“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
~John Lennon
I don’t often write about my work as a therapist. But today I found myself giving the same suggestion to each person I met with. Maybe it’s the season, maybe it’s in the air. And maybe you can benefit, too. What I said repeatedly was, “Take good care of yourself.”
Somehow it’s seems so easy to forget to pay attention to our own needs. We push through, keep going, and ignore ourselves until the well runs completely dry. Then you wonder why you are exhausted, why you feel anxious and disconnected.
You Matter
Taking care of yourself means counting yourself in. You matter, you absolutely do. And your quality of life suffers when you neglect yourself. You lose a sense of your priorities, and you end up grasping for solutions just to keep your head above water.
Maybe you think that taking care of yourself is selfish. This is a common misconception that is patently untrue.
Being caught up in your own stress doesn’t serve you or anyone else. Commit to taking care of you for you, for your quality of life, so you can live with a full and open heart. Here is the paradox: When you take good care of yourself, you get out of your own way. You are less self-focused. You aren’t captured by your needs, dramas, and obsessions.
Start with you, and you will experience great freedom in being open, peaceful, and awake to your life and everyone in it.
Caring for Yourself Affects Others
Today, I told a client that learning to take care of your own needs and feelings is one of the healthiest things you can do for a relationship.
When you learn to acknowledge your feelings and tend to those fragile places inside, you can show up for your partner full, loving, and available. No longer needy and lacking, you are set up for the simple joys of pleasant conversation and emotional intimacy.
In fact, not taking care of yourself does a disservice to your relationships. You can’t be present for your children, you miss opportunities to support your friends and loved ones.
Tend to yourself, and you have the space to emanate peace and express love. You become a beacon of sanity in an overwrought world.
Takes No Time
There are unlimited ways for you to take care of yourself. Some of them take no time at all – they are simply a shift in perspective. A few months ago, I realized I was waking up thinking about my to-do list and anxiously making it through the day. Finally, I said, “no more.” I got curious about my thought process and saw so clearly that I was half-present while worrying about future events.
Now, when I feel the stress in my body, I happily focus on just what is in front of me. I refuse to put my attention into those anxious thoughts. And the stress has reduced dramatically. No time needed – just a willingness to see the truth and be aware.
Other means for taking care of yourself do take time. You get to spend a few moments in stillness or go to a yoga class or begin to follow a passion.
Obstacles to Self-Care
See what gets in the way of your self-care. You will find that the obstacles are beliefs.
- Believing you should or need to spend your time in a certain way.
- Believing that you have to come last.
- Believing that the world will fall apart if you stop playing out the mental and emotional habits that don’t serve you.
- Believing that you aren’t worth your own loving attention.
- Believing that being stressed is a normal way of living.
The first step to taking care of yourself is to investigate these beliefs. Are they true? Do they bring you what you really want?
Are you willing to try the essential experiment – to let go of these beliefs and take the radical step back to yourself, into self-care?
Self-Care = True Happiness
You might notice that I’m not including a list of ways to take care of yourself. You can find those on countless self-improvement blogs, and besides, I trust that you know how to do it. More important is to wake up to the necessity of it, to understand how self-care unearths your potential for happiness, and how your happiness touches everyone and everything.
Tell yourself the truth about how happiness works, and you can’t help but start with the landscape of your inner experience.
Self-care is always on my radar, and I’ll share with you how I do it:
- Being aware when I am triggered and meeting my experience with deep acceptance. (See “Oh, this.”)
- Taking time to listen to the people I love, especially my partner.
- Exercise – running on the treadmill and yoga. (Yoga is exercise plus so much more.)
- Resting when I am tired or starting to feel sick. Not pushing myself beyond my capacity.
- Letting go of stressful thoughts about the future so I can be present.
- Being still.
- Walking away from the computer when I’ve been on it too long.
- Keeping my home in order; not letting tasks pile up.
- Being open and non-defensive – even in hard conversations.
- Planning enough time so I don’t have to rush and worry about being late.
- Flowing with life especially when unexpected things happen.
- Contemplating the true nature of existence, which puts everything into perspective.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Now it’s your turn. How do you take care of yourself? What are your obstacles to self-care? I’d love to hear…
Crys says
Gail,
I just want to say thank you. You must be such a busy person with so many important things more important than the last all asking for your attention. Still you find time to reach out to the the rest of us. Your blog brings wisdom and texture to my life and I want you to know that I find it to be of great value. Your words have been at my side like a good and wise friend to help me chart my course everyday. Thank you and . . . . rock on.
Gail Brenner says
It flows from my heart, Crys. Thank you so much for your kindness….
Clare says
I’ve found that working out first thing in the morning has benefited me tremendously. I no longer spend time worrying about if and when I will fit my workout in and I feel exhilarated afterward. However, my spouse has found that working out in the evening helps him unwind and provides some down time between work and home. As you mentioned, we must tailor self-care to our own needs.
We have a neighbor who lets her kids scream (not play, scream as in blood curdling scream) under our window. Yesterday, while this was going on for the second hour, I plopped my iPod on, put on some relaxing classical music and said to myself “Oh this!”. I think I enjoyed that music more than I ever had before. Normally, I would just feel guilty about being annoyed. This time, not annoyed, just enjoying my day with a bit of soundtrack to it.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Clare,
From everything I read and experience myself, exercise just makes sense. It helps with depression and anxiety, as well as all the health benefits.
Thanks so much for your report about saying “Oh, this” rather than feeling guilty or annoyed. Every moment of peace matters, as I’m sure you know first hand.
Joy says
I think so often we are taught to serve and forget that to offer the “most optimal service” we ‘need’ to be our optimal best.
In my life, the mind/body connection is huge, so if I relax self care my body speaks loudly to me in some obvious way. I find peace in nature, and refreshment in meditation, and wisdom in journaling and reading and silence. I allow for time to practice things that nourish my soul and enliven my spirit and to share these practices with my children and those around me. I am recently realizing that when I compromise these practices, I am in a way compromising my self.
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, Joy, to realize that compromising self-care is compromising yourself.
Your lifestyle is one that supports peace, “joy!” and well being in all ways.
Bonnie Perry says
I have learned from much experience in the opposite direction that taking care of yourself must be counted as Job 1. Than any other job that appears can be counted on to be done with harmony and greater overall benefit and wisdom. It only makes obvious sense but, as you say, ingrained beliefs that remain unquestioned can seem to override common sense. Trust your gut feeling in these circumstances and don’t be afraid to honor your own needs. There is absolutely no benefit in waiting, but your truth can never be lost either. There is no reason to fear that it is too late to bloom more fully. All is forgiven in that first step back to yourself and there is nothing to regret. You’ll laugh at the insanity of any reason you gave yourself for waiting to take care of your own heart.
Gail Brenner says
I couldn’t have said it better, Bonnie, especially the last sentence: “You’ll laugh at the insanity of any reason you gave yourself for waiting to take care of your own heart.”
It is always now, which offers unlimited possibilities.
Jessie says
Hi Gail,
I just wanted to thank you for this post. I have been aware of the importance of self-care, but have found that when life gets full-on, it’s also something that fades into the background, and also that when I don’t take the time to attend to my own needs, it simply escalates the stress.
I just graduated high school in November (I live in the Southern Hemisphere), where I was basically overcommitted and obsessed with efficiency and organization, and many times this year, it felt like stress and anxiety was a default and that I felt disconnected from others. I spent a lot of mental energy worrying about my busy weeks in the future, instead of “being” in the present. Now that it’s summer break, I have a lot more space to reflect on these ideas, and also to plan for how I will take care of myself better and approach college with even stronger internal resources.
I’ve tried meditation and yoga, but have found them to be boring, probably because I’m not used to slowing my mind down, but I definitely want to keep trying. Things the worked included making time to catch up with friends, talking to a mentor, taking a walk, organizing my physical space, reflecting in my diary, and planning my week ahead. Caffeine pills have generally been a bad idea…
I think that this year, I will adopt what Study Hacks blogger Cal Newport calls a “Sunday Ritual”, which sounds a lot like a dedicated weekly self-care session, where you basically spend time alone to clear your head and plan for the upcoming week. I’ll probably use this time to organize my physical space, write in my diary, and exercise too.
Thank you for providing an opportunity to reflect on this subject and for reminding me of the importance of self-care. Happy new year! 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Jessie! How wonderful to hear a young person speak with so much wisdom and sophistication. Just being aware of self-care will have a positive effect on you. Now that it is on your radar, when you feel stressed, you are likely to consider that taking care of yourself is a good option.
Everyone needs to find their own way. If meditation and yoga aren’t helpful, no problem. The things you describe sound centering, helping you gain some perspective, and I love the Sunday Ritual idea.
Wishing you all the best in 2012. I hope that college is amazing for you!
Ken Wert says
This is an amazing post, Gail!
This is the obstacle I’ve found repeated in so many people: “Flowing with life especially when unexpected things happen.” There seems to be such resistence to just ketting life be. I have a motto I repeat to my family all the time when I get hurt. I shrug and say, “It’s just pain; it goes away.” It’s that attitude, I think, that goes so far in creating the emotional atmosphere that encourages happiness.
Thanks again for the post and all the great advice and wisdom. Time to go Tweet it!
Have a wonderful New Year, Gail!
Gail Brenner says
I love the name of your site, Ken (Meant to Be Happy) and it sounds like you are!
There is so much wisdom in your approach. Emotional pain presents opportunities – to go into the drama and affect everyone around you, or to say, “It’s just pain.” We all have the possibility of encouraging happiness in every single moment. And not resisting, not buying into the story of emotional pain, is definitely a way to do that.
Galen Pearl says
I tried to post a comment, but my computer blipped and I think it was lost. Sorry if this is a duplicate.
Anyway, I was saying that your post reminds me of the flight attendant’s instruction to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. Self care is especially important for parents, I think.
Great advice. Happy New Year!
Gail Brenner says
I love that analogy, Galen – to put your own oxygen mask on first. And isn’t that the edge for parents? To be willing to count yourself in, even in the face of a child’s needs.
Wishing you all the best in 2012!
Noch Noch says
I used to think that exercising was a chore even though I knew it was good for me. But somehow once I decided I matter, and yes it’s inside of me is where i should start with, taichi every morning even when it’s -10 degrees outside don’t seem too bad anymore!
Noch Noch
Gail Brenner says
Hi Noch,
It’s amazing how things change when our thinking becomes aligned with love and truth. When you really know you matter, motivation isn’t so much an issue. Good for you!
Martin says
These are great insights and ones I can now understand. However 3 years ago I would have found these hard to rationalise and motivate myself to do. I was not in a good palce then. However taking one step at a time , focusing and making that little bit of joy each day, simply grows and grows giving the energy to tackle other areas and these combine to generate and even greater positive force. I must say that by having this focus what were once big concerns/worries are now managed and handled in a calm and rational way. Really powerfull pointers for living.. Thank you for stating them so elequently.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Martin, and welcome to you.
It is so inspiring to hear about your journey. You speak of the possibility of moving from suffering into freedom, from pain into joy. Yes, little steps. We can take them all the time, and they matter so much. Step after step, we can get ourselves on track, aligned with peace and sanity. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Diana says
Thank you for this post. I am going to take some time to mediate on it. I am only starting to realize the importance of taking care of myself. Even something as simple as painting my nails has some how made me feel alot happier.