“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
~Soren Kierkegaard
It takes so much energy to hide from yourself. And it’s such a relief to let yourself be seen.
You realize that you’re essentially whole, that who you are has never been broken or lost. Coming out of hiding is the choice that will begin to set you free.
Discover the Hidden Core
Hiding from ourselves is at the root of all suffering. Are you suffering? Then it’s guaranteed that you’re avoiding some part of your inner experience.
If you’re caught in feeling shameful or inadequate, if you feel alienated, confused, or alone, if your relationships are fiery or shut down—then some thought or feeling is there in you that hasn’t yet seen the light of day.
Do you find yourself playing out unsatisfying habits, even with your best intentions not to? There is a hidden core that remains unexamined.
- You’re avoiding feelings that you’re afraid to experience.
- You ignore the signals that appear in your body.
- You take for granted that you’re small, limited, and lacking.
And the amazing secret is: you’re not only hiding from your feelings, you’re overlooking your true magnificence, the natural aliveness that is the essence of you. Yes!
Hiding Creates Inner Division
If you hide from your experience, you set up imaginary walls that determine which feelings are acceptable and unacceptable. A feeling arises, and your inner guard is on alert. Is it okay for that feeling to be experienced? Is it too painful and scary? Do I need to push it away and pretend it’s not there?
You end up feeling fragmented and insecure. And you spend your precious energy protecting, defending, and figuring out how to stay safe.
Coming Out of Hiding
Is it time to come out of hiding? Be fierce and gentle at the same time. Find the willingness within yourself to let everything be seen. It’s so freeing! And bring love and care to your experience as you shine the light on all your nooks and crannies. Be courageous, even fearless, with whatever you discover.
There’s really nothing to it, once you’re ready. Instead of turning your attention away into compulsive thinking, an activity, conversation, or any other way you know you distract yourself, turn your attention toward your experience. Just be curious to see what’s present.
When you have an emotional reaction to something or someone, rather than going into your mind or lashing out, be quiet with your own direct experience. It’s been given to you, so you have a choice: ignore or welcome, defend or embrace.
Ground yourself as the expansive field of presence that includes everything. Then feel what appears. Let your attention fall deeply into the sensations in your body. Simply be with them.
This is where the heart of any stuck emotion lies—in the physical sensations.
Each time an emotion arises, feel it in your body. You might start with 30 seconds, then a minute, then as much time as you need. Allow the sensations simply to be in the sacred embrace that accepts all.
True Welcoming
Sounds simple, right? Now, here’s the paradox. Welcoming emotions in order to get rid of them is not true welcoming. It’s like receiving a friend at your door and telling her she needs to leave as soon as you don’t want her there anymore. Doesn’t sound too friendly, does it?
There’s no goal other than to let things fully be as they are in the moment. That’s the way to freedom, the way out of hiding.
Have no preference for what appears—just allow it as is. Don’t choose this and not that. Don’t separate your experience into what’s okay and not okay.
Be so patient as your long-lost feelings emerge from the darkness of your inattention. Don’t worry about the time it takes. Every moment offers the invitation to be completely at one with yourself.
When you give up the fight with your experience, what becomes apparent is this: the peace of being, the simplicity of pure presence. Your inner guard no longer has a job because there’s nothing to protect or defend.
You’ve come out of hiding. The veils are gone. And here you are—peaceful, alive, and at ease.
What About You
Have you come out of hiding? Are you resisting? Please share in the comments. I’d love to hear…
Hi Gail,
My favorite gems here: “There’s no goal other than to let things fully be as they are in the moment.” and “Every moment offers the invitation to be completely at one with yourself.” I had to breathe that one in.
My father very recently passed away, and the past few days have been a strange combination of peace and at the same time feeling like I’m not able to fully grieve yet, to access the depth of sadness I think is really there after watching him take his last breaths. I often think I don’t KNOW what I’m feeling (in general, not just this week). I used to think it was ambivalence, but more and more lately I think it is avoidance and protection.
Something else somewhat related, I was giving an interview on Monday for an upcoming web series and I asked the interviewee how to love those who are most difficult to love. She said, “Dont.” This was revolutionary for me. To just be with what I feel rather than trying to change it. Because I have always thought, isn’t love the ultimate goal? The highest end? The Right Thing? But I suppose if it’s not there, it isn’t. Curious about your reaction to that…
It depends on what you are calling love, Peace. If it is the temporary feeling that comes and goes, that is not the ultimate goal. In fact, there is no ultimate goal or the highest end. These suggest that there is something that you don’t have now.
It’s different than that—because it’s true that everything you have ever wanted is here and available to you. When we see through the illusions in our belief systems that we hold to be true, we melt into the realization of oneness. At the heart of the matter, all forms dissolve, and there is this inescapable being, the source of all. This is true love—the underlying reality of all things that doesn’t come and go. Act wisely in setting whatever boundaries are called for, but this is done in love, not fear and bitterness.
So don’t try to love, but also notice when your thoughts breed separation because that’s false. Meet everything as it is. That’s the beginning and the end because then you realize peace in the now. When the future comes, it’s still now, overflowing with love.
Hi. If I can interrupt…. my mother passed away during lockdown. My siblings couldn’t be here neither my children/ her grandchildren and great grandchildren. I feel as if I cannot mourn or bread down. I feel like just to go hide for few days? By myself somewhere quiet and no people around me. I have been feeling depressed and extremely tired. Is this normal and OK to do??
Thank you so much for writing here, Marietha. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, what you describe is completely normal given the current stressful circumstances and the loss of your mother in such a tragic way. You are grieving. Grieving doesn’t just mean you’re crying and sad. It is expressed in many different ways, including wanting to hide for a few days. It sounds like going away alone where you can sleep and be quiet is your sense of what you need now. I wish you the very best and hold you and your family in my heart.
Yes! I have come out of hiding. Finally the last thing I had to let go of is control over others. I am still working on it but improving daily. My mother in law pointed it out. I held a lot of anger and anxiety. She said that it’s the control I have over life that creates anger then turns to anxiety. She was so right. I feel so much better and content in life now. I love it!
I’m so glad for you, Pam! You are surrendering control and realizing that it’s fine! You are aligned with life that is unfolding anyway. You just aren’t resisting it. No wonder you’re more content!
I like that. Being aligned with life. That described it perfectly! Thank you! 🙂
This is just what I needed to hear today. Thankyou Gail. I’ve had a whole week of growing clarity of vision about my life and what I can do for my significant relationship, but this is for taking care of myself!
Meet yourself fully, Peter. This is the absolute best way to take care of yourself. No longer resisting anything, you’re available to respond to whatever the moment calls for. This is peace…
Hello Gail
Its a sort of hiding when I try to keep up with expectations instead of being truthful about myself, and end up being physically ill in order to avoid the unpleasent void between others and my own needs, I have a chance to clean up in such an issue this weekend, wish me strength : ) Love Sunny
I wish you so much strength, Sunny! And just by asking for that support, I have a feeling that the strength you need is right here, inside and with you. Know that you have more support than you could ever imagine from realms seen and unseen—everywhere. A huge chorus in support of being true.
With love…
Thank you Gail, I can hear the chorus : )
Hi,
My daughter died 10 years ago. My husband of 25 years walked out, January 1, 2014. I felt like I lost my daughter all over again, only this time I grieved by myself which brought about the realization that I need to come out of hiding. I went to volunteer at the local hospital(cafeteria,gift shop), they offered my the job of Director of Volunteer Services. I was so surprised as I hadn’t worked since my daughter past. I am so glad I stopped hiding as now my life is slowly becoming normal, even though I have a lot of hurdles to overcome, I am happy every day when I wake up.
Your words are very comforting to me.
Thank You. D.B.
I love that you listened to what truth was telling you, D.B., which was to come out of hiding. And you are reaping the benefits.
Waking up happy every day? Now you know what’s possible, even when things are tough.
In love and support…
I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck for the past three years. Not that I haven’t been living my life, I’ve made plenty of changes and I’m still stuck…emotionally. three years ago I found out my husband of ten years had been unfaithful. I tried to work it out, went to therapy with him. Ended up having a major nervous breakdown, attempted suicide. Got help. Was on meds that made me numb. Went to therapy, finally left him. We’re still not divorced. But have been separated for the past year. He’s moved on, found love and has a new child…we have two kids together. I’m still stuck. I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot of thinking. How can I move forward and find my happiness?
I’m tired of crying.
Thanks so much for your comment, Gracie.
Being tired of crying is a very good place to be. Just start with each moment and see where your attention is going – than make a choice as to what you want to do with it. Are you repeating a story in your mind for the millionth time? Are you telling yourself how bad you feel? Your attention is key and will show you what you are interested in. Once you see where it’s going, make a choice about what you want. This will begin to fill your life with times of quiet, space to have ideas about more affirming things to do, and ways you can clean up your inner life.
When you get lost in stories again, always come back to the moment and start again. This is the commitment you can make to your well being. Also, fill your whole life with support by what you read, listen to, and who you spend time with. Have your healing, not your sad emotions, take center stage.
I wrote an article in the past that might help you that you can find here.
Sending love…
.
Thank you Gail!! I read the article. I have it saved abs will re read and re read. Your blog is very helpful. You’re like a little light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you a million times over.
Gracie from
I’m sorry Gail but this new blog is confusing me. I read it a few times but it leaves me with a vague picture. How can one take such a big step and feel, at least intially peaceful, alive and at ease? Even physical sensations can be overwhelming. Like one is burning layers of skin (the aformentioned veil). It has not been fun and game for my poor body. Sometimes it’s nothing short of convulsions. Do I sound too dramatic? Am not I promise you dear Gail. Now that I have embarked on this ‘coming out of hiding’ journey, I feel my body is getting a good battering and weeks into my transition, peace is not at sight. The deeper I delve into my un-addressed emotions the tougher it gets. Sure would love to have half a day of relaxed, be it ignorant, existance. Finding answers could be such a crule business. In the end however, can I say I love you all enlightened souls for challenging and pushing us novices to question our autheticity and maybe in the process we grow spiritually too!
Hi Shadi,
I thank you so much for your comment because it speaks so clearly about the real deal on the spiritual path. These sensations you are experiencing have probably been kept out of the light for quite some time, if not your whole life. So they may be very strong in the body as you begin to allow them. It sometimes happens that you don’t actually feel peaceful right away. But what is happening is that you are, finally, stopping the resistance.
Something in you is turning toward these sensations rather than avoiding them, something is inviting your experience in. This means that the other way, the running from it, hasn’t been satisfying. It’s a radical proposition to fully come out of hiding.
So maybe, to provide some balance, you can focus for a moment on where the desire to address these emotions is coming from. What is it in you that is saying, “No more hiding?” What is beckoning these emotions?
There is a space in you that is welcoming your experience. The sensations themselves are strong and unpleasant, but there is this welcoming presence that surrounds them, that they arise in. From that place, can you be curious? What is this sensation? What does it feel like to have a strong sensation? These questions cut through the drama and get to the pure experience of what is happening, without the story.
And when you need a break from this conscious welcoming, feel free to take it. Notice the simple joys and beauty around you. Get some exercise, appreciate the food you eat. Then, when you’re ready, allow the sensations again. Each time is a chink in the armor and a movement toward peace.
I think realizing that things don’t feel right is the first step in admitting and coming out.
I am leaving my marriage (of 30yrs) and in my heart know it’s the right decision for me. I also had counselling to help me process this decision.
Though the last year I stopped going because the decision had been made and it was a matter of now finding a way to move out.
I have always been a strong and confident person and always read many books and material to learn and grow. Though the last year I am finding there still seems to be a part of me that stays ‘paralyzed’ inside. I do not know what it is fear,anxiety,doing it completely alone? But when I think of where I am at 53yo and question my life , at times I get this overwhelming feeling that makes my breath stop and feel light headed. I then try to refocus and reassure myself I will be okay and that things will work out.
I had the same feeling when I was at my mother’s death bed and she told me that tonight ‘she was leaving’. Which I knew meant ‘dying’. At that moment I felt like I was going to pass out. There have also been other situations.
So I don’t know what it is but have decided maybe I should go back and speak to someone to help me work it out. Instead of believing that I cope with issues when part of me does not feel the same way.
Hi Artemis,
Good for you for following your heart, even thought it’s hard. There is a part of you that stays paralyzed, but it sounds like in your actions you are not paralyzed. So this is a feeling, maybe anxiety or fear. Whatever the feeling is, this is what is asking for your kind and loving attention. You may never know what to label it or why it shows up sometimes, but when it comes, you can befriend it. Why? Because it’s there, it is present in your experience.
You are coping and this feeling comes sometimes. The fact that it comes, doesn’t mean that you’re not coping. It’s just a temporary appearance that arises. We tend to make a lot of emotions. But look, instead, at the facts of your life choices and what you are accomplishing. There seems to be a natural intelligence unfolding in your life that cannot be denied.
Love to you…
Thank you Gail for your kind and inspirational words, they really touched me.
You give me strength and hope and I am very grateful.
With sincere gratitude
It never ceases to amaze me that answers are provided when you are ready for them, first breath to last…this is all school.
School in every moment, Russ, if you see it that way! So sweet….
picking up the comment by Russ: it’s the school of life! too many of us are afraid to study there – like we might not make the grade or fit in with others (sounds a bit like high school for most of us I bet!) Gail, you create a welcoming invitation and a safe place of study… and then you provide lessons that make SENSE!
regarding this post specifically, what keeps resonating with me is “integration” (probably because that’s an area in which I’m really having some struggles). this made me reflect more on how hiding in thinking and analyzing, being super-organized or a task-master, taking care of everyone and everything around me is a “superwoman” costume I put on from a very very young age – and has become a way of hiding from actual experience. it’s really contributed to a fragmented frazzled brain – one that is sorely in need of some deep integration. I have always joked that I am a true Gemini – two totally different people in one body. there’s the thinking/analyzing/make-it-happen me and there’s the feeling/connecting/let-it-be me. i’m working on letting her take more lead roles each day 😉 thanks for helping to set the stage today!
Hi Kelly,
Having this much insight on the patterns you’ve been playing out for a long time is a huge benefit. Once you are willing, which it sounds like you are, you can step back and watch how these patterns run. Then you can catch them and meet the feelings that underlie them as is. These are the feelings that have been buried for so long and want to come out of hiding to be seen by your loving attention. This is true integration and lets you make the choice that is most aligned with what you really want for yourself.
Any patterns are exhausting. They take energy to keep going and, as you say, keep us fragmented and constantly on guard. The peace you are longing for is here and available. It’s a beautiful journey you are on, letting life be your teacher.
Never thought about truly welcoming. I think I’ve been utilizing half-measures or something in this vein. No more. I really see what you are saying and get it for the first time in a more thorough way. Thanks for that gem of an insight!
Great, Audrey! When you truly welcome, it’s with no preference, as if the experience could be there forever. I think, “Can I welcome this as if it’s my reality for the rest of my life?” Then there is no resistance, which is pure peace.
I’m happy for your insight!
Thank you Gail. You writing is helping to guide me step by step in my healing journey. I am so grateful to you.
With much love
Omar
I’m so glad to hear this, Omar. Much love and support to you…
Thank you so much. God bless.
I am currently doing my masters in psychology. I have four more papers to complete in a year to finish my degree. My father passed away in May of last year after a 3-year battle with Lewy Body Dementia. He was an alcoholic. About a month before he passed away, I realized that my mom suffers from narcissistic personality disorder co-morbid with histrionic, paranoid and antisocial personality disorder. I approached a psychologist to help me cope with her behaviour and he said that she does not love me and only wants to possess me. He said it would be a good idea to move away but under the current circumstances it is not possible. My childhood was very challenging and only by God’s grace have I survived. At first I thought my father was to blame for all the turmoil but in spite of all that I forgave him and we had a good relationship and I cared for him when he was ill and he passed away peacefully. Recently I have come to accept that I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by my mother until I was 19 and moved out of parental home after marriage (until I moved back 11 years ago). This is in addition to the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father when he was drunk (groping and punching due to his night terrors) and because mom insisted I sleep between them until I was 14. In the last three years, he was very violent and tried to kill me but I don’t have any anger toward him because it was the disease that made him do all that. But mom tried to make it very hard with her manipulative and abusive behaviour. My mom and I live in the same house now. The unstable moods, the cursing, the manipulations, lack of love – all are hard to deal with. I stay quiet when she rages on. Life throws up challenging situations every now and then. But what would be easily manageable becomes a daunting task because of mom’s behaviour. I stay aware as much through the day as possible and watch the energy of my emotions come up with compassion. I don’t get into fights with mom because of this method that God has taught me even though she keeps trying all the time. But I find that I no longer have any motivation to continue my studies or indulge in the various creative activities I am told I am good at like painting. So the persistent thought now is that I am wasting my life. I am 39. My husband and son (17) who are with me know what I am going through and they are supportive. The three of us are normally flawed but we get along well with each other. But mom is another fact altogether. It is like sheep being forced to live in a cage with a wolf. Sheep are sheep and wolf are wolf. It might be in her nature to be like that and I cannot change that and I actually feel sorry for her and but it is hard to be in the same space with her in spite of staying aware. I know I am awareness and unaffected and all that but in spite of all that I am not thriving. I am merely surviving. Even a moment of unawareness can be dangerous for me. How can I thrive? When I ask my friends/cousins they say, ‘just do it’ but in this space I am in, it is not very helpful at all to hear that because I only see that there is no empathy and I feel very alone now because of this. Also nobody knows the full story about the sexual abuse and the other weird things that mom has put me through in life. I have worked hard to unplug from all the fears that mom instilled in me and the various dysfunctional behaviour and it has been a long and exciting journey of self discovery but I feel stuck now. I want to reach my maximum good potential. I don’t want to die without doing that. Mom always tells me that I will die soon and she has cursed me to suffer like papa. What do I do?
I’m not in a position to tell you what to do, Kadeeja, but I trust that you know. It’s a matter of surrendering and listening deeply.
There’s no rule that says we are always supposed to be thriving. Maybe the rhythm of life for you now is to be stuck. Can you meet this stuckness with acceptance and compassion? Because this is what is present.
How will you know you’ve reached your maximum potential? It sounds to me like you believe you can get something you don’t already have, that you have some idea of fulfillment that does not include what’s happening now. I wonder if these ideas are true. What I know is that true fulfillment is always available, although it may not look like what we think it should look like.
Rich areas for investigation…much love to you…
Hi Gail, I had to comment regarding the meaningful reply you gave Kadeeja.
Sometimes the rhythm of life means we can be stuck.
Amazing…….words and how so true. I was stuck for a very long time and could not accept it. So true the difference in how we cope in life is the ‘acceptance’ of now. Struggling causes more suffering but acceptance gives you strength.
Gail I wish you had been there when I needed to know and understand the rhythm of life. The struggle would of been so much less.
But thank God you are here now. You are one gifted woman and we are all so…….lucky! With sincere gratitude.
Hi Artemis,
It’s possible that you were stuck for a very long time because you could not accept it. There was a time when I was stuck, and I wrote a post about it, which you can find here. I started completely letting go of the big picture of what was happening and started following the truth of the moment. To my surprise, when I took it down to the moment, intelligence and peace were always there.
There’s no use in looking back with regret. What happened served as a teaching for you as you move forward. With love..
Totally so… true Gail. I can remember struggling so much about what had happened to my life.
Though today I can actually say after nearly 8 years of learning and growing, I am a different person. I can’t change what happened because that’s all I knew at the time but I know now that I see and handle things in a completely different perspective.
Thanking you so much always for your advice and guidance.
Thank you so much. I understand you. It is the fear that I will not find the motivation ever to paint or study further that really gets me. On the other hand, I know I can accept where I am and in being I am always content but I have been taught not to be doing nothing all my life and to feel guilty if not driven. So those thoughts come up. Then there are the doubts: Am I to stay with mom or am I to try to move away?Either way I will be taking care of her and honouring her. Anyway thanks again. Love and peace.
Welcome everything, Kadeeja, and let the answers come to you in their own time. Be in the not knowing…let go of control…
How do I let go of the story when everything inside me tells me that it is true? I feel unworthy, incapable, and flawed. Do I just accept that this is the way I am? When I try, I am overcome with pain. I am so disappointed in who I am; I want to be different but I feel stuck in this ‘me’ I cannot change.
I understand that I should challenge those thoughts but I do not know how – I cannot shake how true they feel. Telling myself they’re not true feels like a lie.
How do I change what feels true to myself? How can I convince myself that I am good, worthy, etc.?
I hear your question, Margarita, and the depth of the pain around this identity as unworthy.
Different approaches are needed at different times, and the approach of letting go of the story doesn’t sound like the right one for you right now. I get it – the story feels so true. And it won’t work to convince yourself that you are worthy. That takes way too much energy – it has to be believed in a natural way.
The ultimate solution here is to realize, know, and understand that who you really are is not this identity that you think you are as unworthy. Who you are is not wounded, not a victim of your past. You are whole, complete, already fulfilled, and essentially at peace. And something in you knows this, even though it may be buried. I’m not asking you to believe this, I’m only pointing you to what is absolutely true about you.
So how do you come to know this? It’s a process of identifying what is false about your thoughts, beliefs, stories, and emotions, which reveals what is true. It’s about stepping your attention away from your thoughts and feelings, so you are not completely consumed by them. This opens the door to relating to your thoughts and feelings in a completely different way. You become curious, open to not believing what you think is true about yourself, able to experiment with different ways of being outside your comfort zone, willing to put everything you think is true and real about you under the microscope.
I doubt that I can adequately explain what to do in a few sentences here. I encourage you to read through the archives. Find a guide or teacher to help you. Work directly with what you learn and read. Ask more questions. Offer a prayer for what you want for yourself. And begin to orient your whole life to happiness. I absolutely know that you are already everything you are looking for. It’s right here at the core of you, waiting for your attention.
Sending love and support on your journey…
Thank you so much for your time and guidance. Simply reading your response has made me feel like there is a light shining inside me. I’ve carried these feelings along since a very young age but now at 21 I finally feel strong enough to start the journey towards self love. I do not want to waste anymore of my time on negative beliefs.
May the wisdom and blessings that you’ve shared with others come back to you a thousand fold.
There is a light shining inside you, Margarita, and I’m so glad you feel it! Yes, you are strong enough for this journey, and yes, great to not want to waste another second on limited beliefs. Be willing to be so incredibly free that you don’t know anything. Then you are open to the wisdom of life.
Dear Gail,
Thank you so much. Each day I am learning new things from you. From this post I learned that welcoming emotions in order to get rid of them is not true welcoming. There is no goal other than to let things fully be as they are in the moment.
Thanks again, Dhammika
This is a super important point to get, Dhammika. It doesn’t help to push our experience away or try to get rid of it. There is a huge ease of being that comes with letting everything be.