“Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
~Fritz Williams
“Phoenix rising from the ashes.” This phrase popped into my head recently, and I wasn’t sure why until I did the research. As the story goes, the phoenix is a mythical bird with fiery plumage that lives up to 100 years. Near the end of its life, it settles in to its nest of twigs which then burns ferociously, reducing bird and nest to ashes. And from those ashes, a fledgling phoenix rises – renewed and reborn.
And now I get it. This is the story of my life in the past few months – especially the part about burning ferociously. Life presented me with some challenging circumstances that left me just hanging on. And now, sanity has returned. I look out with fresh eyes. The fog has lifted, and the dark clouds have moved on.
My experience is not unique – it happens to all of us at some point, it’s a part of the human journey. But this was my time, and I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned along the way.
Resistance is natural
When life threw me a curve, I longed for the turmoil to be over with. I wanted to pick myself up and move on. I tried hard to create a plan, to know what I didn’t know, to gain control. I was so busy trying to make things happen that I overlooked what was actually happening.
I ignored my feelings and resisted the present moment. Yes, me, the one who writes about welcoming all of our experience with a loving, open heart. I was doing everything but.
Finally, I realized my approach wasn’t working. I stopped trying. I let myself be frustrated and impatient. I admitted that there was so much I didn’t know, and I let go of figuring it all out. Life was messy, so I suspended my fruitless attempts to clean it up.
And this was the beginning of the fire, as there was space for feelings and reactions to surface.
Things happen in their own time
When I look back I see that I had very little control over what happened. The seasons of my experience had to run their course – severe winter storms, cold and darkness, then the seeds hidden from view beginning to sprout (very exciting!). The best I could do was ride the waves, which I did with varying degrees of success.
Forgetting and remembering joy
When darkness descends, joy is blotted out, buried, seemingly non-existent. Everything weighed like a heavy burden, all my activities felt like obligations. When I realized that I had forgotten joy, I created a “want-to-do” list. Every time I found myself wandering around in a fog, my job was to pull out the list and do something enjoyable or productive. I organized closets and took walks, finally starting to see the beauty around me.
And I focused on others – being a good friend, showing up for someone in need.
My self-care didn’t suffer. My diet stayed healthy, and I kept up with yoga. But some people going through hard times can benefit from paying special attention to the basics of daily living – good diet, exercise, limited alcohol.
Staying close to the bone
Things started to shift when I made the commitment to find direction in my moment-to moment experience. The big picture was way too nebulous, but I realized that in each moment there was a kernel of truth, a clarity, a “yes” that showed me my next step.
I recognized that this guidance had been there all along, but I was too caught up in trying to find solutions to see it. When I let go of paying so much attention to the stories running through my mind, of trying to control, of avoiding strong feelings, much to my surprise, I found the groundedness I was looking for – the truth in every moment.
Support was essential
At the beginning, I was going it alone, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Eventually, I reached out, allowing the vulnerability of asking for support. It came in so many beautiful, unexpected ways, but I had to let people know I needed it. And a few sessions with a therapist offered some very useful insights.
The clouds do part
“This too shall pass” were empty words to me. I looked into the future, and all I could see was confusion. My negative mind had taken over, and I couldn’t see my way out.
But the clouds do part in their own time. The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness. I see this over and over in my work. I facilitate a bereavement group at a retirement community for people who have lost their spouses after sometimes 50+ years of marriage. You can just tell when someone walks through the door that they will announce they no longer need the group. They are renewed; they have gone into the darkness and found their way through.
One day I realized that I was happy, and soon after, I saw that I was thriving. I had been through the fire and emerged whole and clear, with doors opening in so many wonderful ways. The sad and frustrated stories in my mind had fallen away, and the emotions that had captured me softened. I can breathe freely again.
Eventually opening to the lessons
When people said I would look back and appreciate this time, all I could do was groan. When I was in the thick of it, it seemed like it would never end. And now, with the sun shining and flowers blooming, I can reflect on what I have learned.
- Let things happen.
- Give up trying to control.
- Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
- Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
- Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
- Take good care of yourself.
- Engage with others.
- Reach out for support.
- When the time is right, feel the emotions.
- Get perspective – learn what not to do next time.
So there it is – my story. And now I turn it over to you. What have you learned about going through hard times? I’d love to hear…
Only a couple of days ago, my seemingly perfect life burst at its seams and I watched my husband of 11 years drive away. It’s a very tough place to be in since we have been together since we were in university (basically we were just kids) and this could have been avoided if we both tried to tended more carefully to our relationship, but we didn’t, and here we are now. I know, I can’t change the past, but I can work on the future. I don’t want to cling onto any hope that he will change his mind because truthfully, he is right and we could be so much more if we have a chance to grow without each other, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m perfectly aware that I must “be like the phoenix”; burn, reset and rise from the ashes. It’s the burning that is painful. Very hard to let go of 11 years of hopes and dreams for two and start thinking only of myself. Thank you for your beautifully written post, it makes me realize the value of this pain I feel.
You are right in the fire, Rose. And most of us have been there in one way or another. From what you say, it sound like so far, at this early stage, you will use it well. Yes, it’s hard, and that’s the nature of it. Let things unfold in their own time.
Sending love and support to you…
Thank you for your reply Gail! Now, a month and a half later, I already am starting to feel much much better and remembering what a great person I am on my own. Now that I don’t have to answer to another, I can do whatever I want and fulfill the dreams I was hesitating to go after. I am being reborn from my ashes and I thank you for helping me realize the value of the burning. P.S: also a huge fan of Rumi and there are many parallels between his philosophy and your advice! “The wound is where the light gets in” -Rumi
Beautiful, Rose! Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing. The seeds are sprouting!
Hi,Rose please don’t give up hope.the best marriage counselor, is right in both of your hearts.Jesus Chrisr,I guarantee that if you n your husband unite under the faith of the eternal life of love Christ himself.you donot need to join any man operating church,for Christ is the church,just get a bible , pray for forgiveness, repentance to repent of past n future transgressions, have remorse,bbe held accountable 4 ones actionns,ask Christ for forgiveness blessing for strength accept Christ is the 1st step in renewing anyone of our immoral acts,bdonot forget we’re born into sin remember the story of Adam n they thought they did no longer need the one true God of all Creation ,tso u n your husband can reinstate 1 2 1 relationship with the 1 true Savoir,but u have to open your hearts,and love him with the fear of losing what u r now experiencing! no other thing of this world will completely repair what is broken,fallen angels n thier con jobs (deception) remember these beings rebelled against the 1 true GODhat is why the world in such bad shape they corrupted everything,the illuminated ones don’t believe me go on u tube n search this stuff out .THE LORD SAID 4 THEE R IN THE WORLD DON’T BE PART OF IT,donot be decieved by man , when you reached a real relationship with Lord CHRIST you will not be able to believe the love u will receive, just ask him.also you find yourself inno need of this world besides that our fellow created human beings are where u so donot give up just yet,,things will happen gradually! the darkside (evil -demonic beings) donot whant 4 u 2 b they want us to curse CHRIST so we call upon them.that was the issues of the ancient people. That is where all the mystical crap evolved,trust in CHRIST N NOT in MAN as 4 solution 2 our Problems.
Remember the devil is real the wolf in sheeps clothing.oclothing.of course don’t believe me but believe the one that loves us 4 HE SENT HIS ONLY SON SO WE CAN BE SAVED=JESUS CHRIST,BE SAFE N VERY HAPPY
so I pray that in good faith this will reach u n your husband, see we forgot him in our daily lives n seek other avenues 2 happiness, not until he will come again, which will be soon,I bet you feel something is going on but just not sure what, well CHRIST IS CALLING US , THREW MANY WAYS SO BEFORE IT IS 2 LATE RETURN THE CALL u will be amazed. Amen
I love your comments. I am a christian and I am going through a similiar situation but I just keep pressing in closer to Jesus to sustain me through a very difficult time in my life.
Sheila
Hi Gail………Your comments, statements and stories are very uplifting to me. Please feel free to let me know your thoughts after reading my short (I tried) message.
I have been going thru a very tough time in my marriage. About every 5-6 years my husband becomes unbearable and wants a divorce. We have hired attorneys each time, but he always decides that he doesn’t want to go thru with it. Last time was in 2008. I know he uses it as a form of manipulation to get me to do things as he wants them done. When I don’t, he always responds with a drastic move of manipulation.
My husband and I have been married 33 years and it seems he has been cheating off and on over the past 3-4 years. There have been many things over the past year that have pointed in that direction (men seeking men activity on Craigslist, changed email passwords, shaving his private areas, total wardrobe change…..you name it he’s done it). I have tried to allow him his life changes but It is just within the past few months that I have decided I’ve had enough and can’t allow some things to continue so I brought it up. Of course, he denied it all and played really dumb with the facts I presented him, always finding an excuse as to why, or it was a “joke”.
I have found in my marriage, that my husband chose to have affairs and one night stands for many reasons. None of which really had anything to do with me. “He” wanted more sex……. “He” wanted to be with someone that didn’t remind him that his children had not lived up to his dreams of “perfect”…….”He” wanted to have sex with someone that didn’t show signs of child bearing….”He” wanted to keep his marriage intact so he wouldn’t lose any assets…..”He” was looking for admiration of other women….. of course that is not all but you get the picture.
His consideration for me in his actions was nonexistent. Had he considered the facts that I too wanted to have more exciting sex and was bored? I too wanted our children to achieve their dreams without having to fall prey to their fathers demands on what they should be or he wouldn’t support their efforts. I too wanted my body to look like it did prior to having OUR three children. I too worked hard at supporting our family, raising our children and bringing home a portion of the bacon. I too wanted to get flowers and be wined and dined so I could admire my husband for his wonderful efforts at wanting to make me feel special.
I try so very hard to look past the selfishness, narcissism, ego, greed and realize his character is flawed as well as mine (not that much). I ask myself, who told him it was okay to rip my heart out and leave me feeling like a worthless POS while he’s out having a great time with other women (or men – which is extremely difficult to have those thoughts in my head). I try so hard to see the man I married 33 years ago and forgive him for the pain he has caused our family with his lying, cheating and manipulating as well as numerous other acts of deceit so I can move on and continue to work on this marriage. But it is not coming easy to me.
When I tried to discuss these issues with him, he said he didn’t want a divorce, but he continues to deny the affairs have taken place and “doesn’t remember” “any” of the incidences I brought up. His response was very matter of fact and that I was crazy.
How do I move forward with someone I cannot trust to be honest with me and help me move forward. How can you work on a marriage with someone that will not admit to their faults but will certainly point out every one of yours.
I love my husband so very much, but am finding it almost unbearable to be a part of this marriage without the trust and commitment on his part. It is no wonder we are so weak in our thoughts and lack self esteem that we can’t stand up to them. It’s unfortunate we cannot believe the one person that makes a promise to love, honor and cherish us for all time. It’s so very sad that that person cannot love us enough to be honest and just tell us they aren’t happy and they want to move on in their life before they destroy our self image and break our spirit. But he still doesn’t want a divorce….. I wonder why that is??
I’m trying to take your advise and build myself back up. I am reaching for the strength I need to either get out or stand my ground. I have decided to give it one last chance before I throw in the towel, however, I have also decided I will no longer allow him to manipulate me. I told him I will not remain in a marriage where I am not loved by my husband or in a marriage of convenience (which would be his). I will not, I will not, I will not!!
Thank you for your words of encouragement and I hope that if the day comes I am faced with the act of leaving, I can still reach out to you and those like you for that strength I will so desperately need. I pray that day never comes, but I have been with this man since I was 15 years old and I fear he will not change.
Hi Mary,
I hear strength in your words – you may be stronger than you think you are.
You ask: How do I move forward with someone I cannot trust to be honest with me and help me move forward. How can you work on a marriage with someone that will not admit to their faults but will certainly point out every one of yours.
The answer is you can’t make someone work on a marriage. But you can absolutely work on yourself. Start by telling yourself the truth, which you have done so clearly in your comment. See this man for who he is, recognize that he is unlikely to change, and begin to look within at the places where you are stuck.
Why are you giving him one last chance? As you describe, he has been very consistent over the years. Since you told him you will not remain in a marriage of convenience, at some point, when you are ready, in the name of truth and authenticity, you will stand by these words in your behavior.
Do everything you can now to begin building your strength. Then let truth guide you.
Sending love and support…
I was just in the process of writing a talk for the 7day Zen retreat I’m leading. I wanted to use the story of the Phoenix and did some research on the Net … and found this lovely post, Gail.
So nice to reconnect by fortuitous accident!
Great to hear from you, Mary! Wishing you a beautiful retreat…
Today, 10th April, 2015, about minutes after four I had a dream of which the words, ‘ as the phoenix raised from the ashes so will you’. I spent all afternoon into evening trying to find where the quote came from. Finally I found you.
My name is Carolann and I have seen much hardship for my 44 years of life.
However, I’ve managed to lift myself and am the mother of three, two girls and a boy, he’s the youngest and I am married.
My marriage in 2007 after what seems like a fairytale fell apart from infidelity on my husband’s part.
The worst came in 2010 Dec., when we were arrested and charged five days later with treason. A student I’d taught and held as a son, allowed himself to be used by an enemy of my husband from the army he served.
I spent 15 months and five days in prison, separated from my school, students and my children.
Returning hasn’t been the easiest, my watching my husband loose everything, my business shrink in population and trying to live on a single income of less with the same responsibilities hasn’t been easy.
Many quarterly, I close my accounts in the red. I’ve ran out of the will to pray and hope.. Trying to find ways to sort tings out has been futile.
I live a life of pretense, all is well. A fool to only myself. I live frustrated and angry, from staff to parents who are unreasonable to God who I think has put more on me that I’m capable of carrying.
I hate when people say I’m a strong women to survive all of that and yet not run, but I take the compliment with politeness and not stating my anger at this, for many think they can put more on me since they believe this statement to be true.
I plan to change the message on the crest of the school’s uniform.
Finding this and the words which came to me is a breath of fresh air.
I would be delighted to hear from you
Carolann
Your seeds are sprouting, Carolann. You’re starting to rise from the ashes, and this is the time to think very consciously about your priorities. What can you learn from what happened? How would you like to move forward? How can you find a place of peace in yourself even with these challenging memories and situations?
I hear that you look strong on the outside. Maybe you can also, within yourself, be honest about where you might still be stuck on the inside and do the work so you’re free.
Sending love and support…
“Phoenix Rising” came up for me this morning and although I have heard it used many times before, I wasn’t exactly sure of its meaning or how it relates to me. I turned to the net and did some research and was delighted to see how the story relates to me and the place I’m in in life right now. Reading your story helped put things into perspective.
Many aspects of the story and the Phoenix itself symbolize different aspects of my life. I have been in the fire for the past few years. Over those years I have allowed myself to transform; it has been both painful and delightful to see aspects of yourself die and aspects of yourself emerge.
New dreams and plans are emerging along with a renewed Spirit. I am moving forward with a longtime dream and I’m both excited about it and a bit scared for it is a big dream, but I go forward in faith. I didn’t necessarily have anything to relate this to until this morning when “Phoenix Rising” came up for me. I now understand completely the process that I have undergone the past 7 years and what is happening around and within me now.
Thank you Gail for sharing your story and your work. You are a light to many.
In luv and light,
Leisa Moseley
So beautiful, Leisa. Let yourself shine gloriously!
hi Dr. Gail! Thank you so much For the wonderful Post. T’was very helpful.
I had to admit I am in great pain now. I am looking for articles and tips online so that could help me move on from the past and would help me from stop thinking about my failed marriage 🙁
I am from the Philippines. 31 years old. My husband was an Overseas Filipino Worker who works as a Cabin Crew in a Cruise Ship based in Europe. He was my boyfriend for almost 10 years before he proposed
for marriage last 2012. Since his vacation to the Philippines is only for 2 months in a year he really wanted to have a child and I got pregnant 2012 after his marriage proposal. 2013 we got married. Late of last year 2014 I caught him cheating. His 2014 vacation 1 month he was home with us in Cebu and a month he told me that he will be on training in Manila but I just found out that He was having an affair with his fellow cabin crew who happens to have vacation since they are batch mates from work in Europe in a Cruise Ship .When I found out I was so hurt and wanted to let go of him.He was in europe working while I am here in the Philippines when I found out his
having an affair. He was sorry and told me he will let go of the affair and as a wife I wanted to give our marriage a chance so I accepted his apology. After that we communicate every day but I felt there was
lacking. I felt so unloved but I have to fight and be strong because I have a marriage vow and for my daughter I have to fight for the Marriage.
His expected vacation was April 2015 I was excited and I was really waiting for a moment to talk with him personally about us to improve our relationship as married couple.
But when he was about to go home from Europe last april 2015 He texted me via Viber that our Marriage wont work anymore and He lied to me since 2010 he has girlfriend at work while I am his girlfriend and with the same girl he is having an affair now. He did’nt go home to be with us here in Cebu. He was with his
Mistress now in Manila. ( my story is too long to narrate completely:)
Why is it so Painful….I was very excited that we will finally be together and will have a chance to talk with my husband personally to improve relationship as Married Couple. I never gave me a chance to fight as a wife and mother.
The Long Distance Relationship, we are away for 10 months in a year but I asked him not to work abroad and be with us to work here in the Philippines. I was completely blinded to keep it short. I was really blind and didnt see that side of my husband..
I was with this man for almost 15 Years I trusted him more than anyone else and he betrayed me.
He even just told me that he will not be home anymore because our marriage wont work anymore just via viber. I felt so worthless. I keep on thinking what have I done to him. Ive been faithful to him since, a good wife and a good mother to our daughter… It was painful because he never gave our marriage a chance and just decide by himself that our marriage wont work anymore.. Loving him was not painful but loving the wrong Man is..
This pain almost caused my death but with the help of Family and Friends I was able to dealt with this and I am quite good now.
I was not thinking of myself alone for the lost love but I was more concerned with my daughter. I will raise my daughter alone. and my daughter with no father at her side. But really I decided to really move on. There are days I can forget but there are days like today I cant stop thinking what when wrong with my life. Its like our dreams
were shattered because He chose to be with someone else versus us his family. I never had a chance to fight for us. He was really decided and his decision was final to chose his mistress. What is more painful he come home to cebu for a couple of days and even brought his mistress with him. I didn’t know his family kept it from me. I was very disappointed also with his family. I wanted to talk with my husband not to go back with him but I wanted to talk to him
as a person. I felt so worthless that he left me and the advice was just from a Viber. He don’t want to face me. I am not just someone else in his life I am his wife but I am just nothing for him.
He texted me to see my daughter when he decides to come home without me in the plan 🙂
Now I am trying to move on with my life without him. Moving on from the failed marriage. If I could only turn back time I must have chosen someone who will not hurt me this much..
I am ready to move on… I have my lovely daughter with me. I got great friends. I have mother and brother at my side. I got good Job. But still I felt my life is empty because me and my daughter has no family on our own.
I just wanted to forget the pain. I lift up to God the almighty Father the Pain and I pray that I may move on and forget the love I had for him…
It’s almost 3 months and day by day I still remember the pain….
I tried to understand him so that I could move on but sometimes I could not help it to felt so much pain.
Dr Gail your Posts was helpful to me. I will be a Phoenix who will rise from the Ashes…
More Power.
You are rising, Dorothy. You’ve found support of friends, family, and faith, and you’re focusing on raising your daughter. Walk your own path with your head held high. Much love to you…
Uplifting article Dr. Brenner…I posted the following quote from your article on my phone as a daily reminder when hard times hit:
“The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness.”
Beautiful words regarding the human spirit!!
So glad you found that helpful, Jess. It’s a reminder for all of us!!
Dear Dr.Brenner,
This morning I was telling myself “I will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes!” Like you I was not sure what the real meaning of that statement is, so I did some research and found out. Also found your very inspiring article.
Right now at seventy six years old I am going through one of the most desperate times of my life with, at this moment, very little light at the end of the tunnel.
Recent separation from my wife coupled with my loss of almost everything material, has left me at a very low ebb.
Finding a kindred spirit in you has given me new hope and I am determined to…….well, you know.
Life is definitely putting you in the fire, Alan, and you are being asked to meet what arises. Difficult, I know. And there will be times of resistance. I’m glad you’ve found support here. Little by little, in the right time, may these experiences serve your awakening.
First off; I love your article. It spoke to me just when I needed it. I drew a picture and I had in mind as I was drawing; this phrase “up from the ashes she arose”. I typed this phrase in Google and your article came up. Who knew I needed to read this more than myself. Thank you for posting and I am truly sorry for any hardships you’ve gone through. In the midst of it all… We arise. Thanks for the encouraging words.
I love how we get just what we need, Sonya!
Thank you for your wonderful story! I ordered some Phoenix necklaces for my sisters and myself, the last two years have been horrible for my family….no light at the end of the tunnel! I kept thinking about the Phoenix, ordered the necklaces and then found your post. I am giving my sisters the necklace and your story for Christmas this year to give us hope….I believe we can rise from the ashes more glorious than ever.
I believe so, too, Jacqueline! Love to all of you…
Hi Gail,
I’m glad dat I found ur article.I’m soo much in need of help as m nt able to either forget my past or able to move on.
I was sexually assaulted by my own brother when i was 6-7 yr old, now i’m 21 and still couldn’t get over it. I see him daily living his life happily, it destroys my peace as I couldn’t tell abt dis in my family thinking it ll b a heart attack fr my parents, hence I didn’t get a chance to punish for his sin.
Because of my past I am devasted n I’m scared to get into any relationship and have problem in trusting people. I will isolate myself to be alone always n push people away. I’ve lost interest in almost everything n always feel like ending my life. It feels soo wrong. I just don’t want Dis feeling. Please help me how to handle n come out of Dis.
This is so much to deal with, Askhitha. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I strongly encourage you to seek the help of a counselor to help you. This is a problem that needs some time and care to work through with the help of someone who is skilled to listen to your unique story. So please find someone in your local community. Look around for counseling or mental health clinics. It might take courage on your part to seek out help, but you’ve made an important step by asking for help here.
I do know this about you: you can find your way out of this. The human spirit is resilient, and you sound like an insightful and intelligent woman. You have what it takes to live a fulfilling life, but you need a guide to help you. Your light is shining inside, but it is dimmed by your thoughts and feelings about what happened with your brother. Begin to get in touch with that light as this is real. It’s your essence.
I’m sending you a heart full of support, and I hope that you will seek out a professional counselor to help you.
I have found your article very helpful. Thank you! I’m going through a very difficult period in my life right now. But I have great support from my family, friends, and my new found faith ( which I gave up because he didn’t believe in Him.) I am learning to get to know me again, what my likes and dislikes. It also thought me not to take things for granted , with this new found wisdom.. I am building a better relationship with my children by being present. I appreciate and give thanks to the blessings I receive. I look around and actually SEE the beauty of nature. I’m learning to love myself and be my own best friend as well as be comfortable on my own (it’s tough since we were together for 23 years.) I talk to my kids how the challenges and struggles in life builds character, makes us stronger and teaches us an important lesson. I know I don’t have the answers for everything. I’ve surrendered to Him and I know that he will guide my way.
It’s beautiful to surrender, Lea. We give up our personal wants and needs and let ourselves be guided.
Gail Brenner, your article was beautiful. Thank you for sharing what many of us experience at some point in our life. Your story resonated with me and it is something that is even more inspiring to read just before the holidays (which may be hard for some who have lost family). I am truly thankful for your words. I am doing a talk to some new naturopathic students and the Phoenix rising from the ashes is what lead me to you. For everyone going through something, it is just a beautiful reminder of how there is hope for renewed life after adversity. I’m touched.
Hi Frances,
Difficult things will happen in this human life – it’s the nature of things. But we are resilient, and each of us can find that resilience within. We can be flattened by life circumstances, and we can also choose life with a tender and open heart.
Hi Gail. I was thinking of starting a blog about Phoenix rising from the ashes & chronicling my journey, and then turning it into a book. That is when I found your info. Sounds very much like me. Thank you for this wonderful insight! Here is my story right now. My husband of 24 years has end stage COPD, and all responsibilities lie on my shoulders. I feel so overwhelmed! I stayed in the marriage for my son, but it hasn’t been one with any love or support. My son (youngest son) has moved away & in with his girlfriend; and I recently lost both of my parents within 3 months of each other. I have lost the only two people that I feel have ever truly cared about me and had my back. I just feel so alone. I’m not sure how to find my new normal. I don’t want to lay this on my children or my friends. I hope to find my way through the fire soon.
You are definitely in the fire, DM, with so much stress and loss. It sounds like you may need an outlet to talk about what’s going on and get support. Perhaps there are caregiver support groups in your local area. If not, you can search online. Being the sole caregiver for a family member is never an easy job and often overwhelming. What you’ll hear over and over is that it’s important to take care of yourself, too.
Grieving and loss – these situations are a journey of their own, inviting you to feel the feelings and find the love right in the midst of them. It’s part of my experience, too, as my mother died a few months ago. I recently read in a memoir by Elizabeth Alexander who lost her husband suddenly that you wouldn’t feel loss if you didn’t love. Certainly you have made choices from love – for your son and maybe even your husband and others. Make sure you acknowledge this.
All forms are temporary, and that includes everyone, even the people who truly cared and had your back. In a sense, that leaves us alone – relying on ourselves ultimately and then, in a deeper spiritual way, realizing that the source of all things is the power of love and intelligence, the unifying force that is far greater than our personal, individual selves. This is where true peace lies, no matter what is happening in our everyday lives.
I wish you well on this rich journey…
Thank you for sharing. I am going through a tough time where I doubt that I know what I am doing at times as my second business failed. The board decided based on some things that I had done that it was time to find someone else to lead our startup. We had raised a significant amount of money from friends & large institutional investors but never had really materialized into what we thought it would ultimately be. The board said they wanted to go in a different direction and eventually the business sold for 30% of its’ value, but it still alive. However, I own the fact that my actions as the leader did not put us into the best situation and ultimately these actions caused a downturn in the business. People invested in the business and the vision but ultimately they put their trust in me. That is a hard thing to forget although if I allow it to happen maybe it can actually be the best thing as it can teach me the value of running the business in a very frugal manner. While focusing on the revenue to drive the value not the market itself. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen as we were riding the wave and our focus went away from the customer. I’ve ultimately let my family down by putting them into a difficult situation finally. However, maybe its’ for the best as they learn first hand what it means to be vulnerable and in the struggle.
I appreciate your honesty here, Mike, in taking full responsibility and your perspective on discovering the lessons for everyone involved.
I wish you the best as you move forward…
I have come to realize that my husband of 33 years is a narcissist and that if I stay with him I will never experience love on a deeper level as it’s meant to be. We’ve never been truly happy. So I have decided for my own sanity that I have to leave the marriage. This is something I’ve thought about for many years but have finally found the strength to do it. The phrase “like a phoenix rising from the ashes” came to me while I was crying in the shower so I googled it and found your article – exactly what I needed to see right now. Thank you so much. It gives me hope and helps me to see that I am doing the right thing for me even as it feels sad and hard.
You have more support than you could ever imagine, Vickie – it’s the support of universal love and truth. I wish you the very best…
In the last 3 years I have dealt with the three deaths, three of the most important people in my life…in 2014 my son was shot six times in the back by a cop for shoplifting. Not only was he running and brutally shot but the media turned him into a monster and blamed momma because as society does when drugs are involved it’s all about how bad parenting creates addiction. He was a sports champion with an injury that started a ferocious addiction that took me to my knees. As I tried to grieve and recover from the vision of my beautiful boy, 22 yrs old, broken and bloody on that table I was so ashamed that he was going home to God in that condition and I couldn’t fix him. I barely was able to take a breath without that catch in your heart and my dad was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I was shocked, I was angry, I was kicked again and I was still trying to grasp what happened to my son. Four three months straight I cared for my dad, bathe him, shaved him, fed him and sat with him at every radiation treatment. I loved him best I could thinking God would have pity on me and he just wouldn’t take my dad away when I needed him. One early Monday morning I wake up and same routine, dad you want coffee? How do you feel. Within 45 minutes he fell in my arms with a massive heartattack and just looked at me. The last conversation we had day before was how worried he was for leaving me because he hated to see me cry for my son everyday. Four months after his death, my husband decides that after thirty years of marriage I’m not what he wants. I changed so much he dislikes me he said. The harshness of his words were so brutal I just sat there and took it all in. He hated me grieving. How could I even begin to stop? I just feel like staying in the ashes and just burn, burn, burn. The pain is so intense. Three men in my life that I loved differently left me . I understand the part of change and rebirth. I have changed. I literally died with all three. I just don’t feel I will ever feel joy again or trust in love again and definitely will never forget my biggest supporter whither in away right in front of me. Than
K you for posting!
Oh, you are in the fire, Anna. Who knows why you have been given all of this? My heart goes out to you. This is a time of gentleness, support, and self-care. No matter what is happening, know this: you are held in love greater than you could ever imagine.
Hi Anna,
I just read you story and I couldn’t help but to connect with you if only in this way to let you know that you are loved. I echo Dr. Brenner by saying that “you are held in love greater than you could ever imagine.”
Dr. Brenner,
Thank You. Scrolling this feed, you must know what a blessing you are. I too was looking for information on this majestic bird that has come into my life to share her healing medicine with me. I am going through a dark night of the soul in the corridor between the old me and the new me and it is a lonely and often excruciating experience. I have moments of clarity as my vision moves me forward, but then it gets all blurry again (I suppose when the fear of the unknown is present).
It’s amazing that the phoenix would appear in my life as I go thru the empty nest stage too. My daughter just started college, her twin brother has just been diagnosed with MS (now living with my ex-husband), I’m having symptoms of early menopause, I’ve gained weight, I’m getting ready to jump into a new business, my finances are a nightmare, and I can’t seem to get this relationship thing right. Not to mention the political climate of what our country is going through and the number of people being killed just for being black.
In the big scheme of things none of this seems worth crying about (or perhaps it’s just shame because I’m supposed to be so spiritually put together) but I suppose my human self says otherwise. I just thank you for reminding me that the answer is in embracing the moment without putting so much emphasis on what the future holds. The quote that you used to start this blog is a keeper! It also pulled me in…
I have been in the spiritual fire and it has cooked me! (Rumi) May the phoenix continue to remind me (and all of us) of our resilience. A rebirth is taking place and I am coming out and I shall rise again- transformed, awakened, and renewed!
Thank You!
With Love,
Me
You’re in the fire, Shawn! The whole universe supports you….
I googled “I shall be as the phoenix”, and you have written everything I have wanted to say for so long. Thank you.
So glad this post connected with you, LG! Sending love…
I don’t know where to begin. I have been unhappy in my marriage and have had a strained relationship with my mother most of my life. My relationship with my father is good but there was interference from others since he was not my birth father for a while. The past six years have been really rough on top of all the arguments and problems at home with my husband, I was miserable at work and then I started moving up with more responsibilities. I was traveling, working around the clock. I was making sure I met my daughter’s needs and I was in school full-time. I would drink a pot of coffee at night. I lived off two to four hours of sleep for at least two years. I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I started getting headaches and didn’t think anything of it. I would throw up sometimes when I ate certain foods which I chalked up to maybe childhood allergies. I also started having abdominal and stomach pains. My cycle was for three weeks and extremely heavy. My husband moved out of our bedroom down the hall. I had a partial hysterectomy. My boss relied on me for everthing and I mean everything. She was a pill. I started feeling worse. I new it was more than just a headache. My boss was getting worse. One night after midnight at 1:30 a.m. I decided it was too much. The money didn’t matter anymore. I left work and had go back hours later. I initially asked for a few days off which was a big deal, so I resigned. I didn’t know how my husband was going to take it but i had to for me. My boss went nuts she called me at least 20 times a day. She initially had Human Resources put me on a leave. She was persistent and they would not post my job. I was a mess, but I refused to talk to her or anyone at the job. I resigned from everything including the committee I was on. The morning I left, I could not stop shaking. I was consumed with everything. Where I thought I was on my way to freedom. I thought after I left the job, I would alleviate the stress and deal with my marriage, but my health started to decline. My legs started spasming. My muscles tightened. All over. I started having muscle contractions/spasms. My legs are like jelly. My walking is off. I have gastro problems. My white blood count is low. My headaches almost bring me to my knees and they are all day every single day. I have had every test imaginable. I’ve been in the hospital twice. I cry all the time. I started counseling to help. My heart is broken, I feel stuck, and hopeless in many days. I can’t remember the last time I really felt good. I fight for myself and my daughter, but the headaches scare me the most. I had a dream that I blacked out and was dying. I’ve never dreamed like that before. It has been so ruff. I have been saying I am alone, but I am blessed to have such a strong and amazing daughter. Some nights I awake so panicked. I’ve asked the Lord why me. I tried to treat people right, and do the right thing. After everything I’ve been through now this. Someone told me today to read the Phoenix rising from the Ashes which led me to your site. I thought I would share and thank everyone for sharing and ask for your prayers.
Thanks for sharing here, Blue. Take good care of yourself. Love and prayers to you….
Thank you.
Like many of the women here, my husband has left our home after 17 years. It was so abrupt and cold that it sent me into a state of shock for over a month, from which I am now, slowly beginning to recover. I’ve lost 13 lbs and a lot of hair – I looked healthy and attractive a month ago and now I look sad, drawn and too thin. Not a good look at 52.
I’ve over-come a lot of sadness/depression in my life and so I know, this too shall pass. I’m doing much of what you suggest; I sit with all my feelings, letting them wash over-me although sometimes the grief and sorrow takes my breath away .I am so sad for our son – my husband, while extremely intelligent lacks emotional intelligence and refuses to think of the pain this has caused our son.
I think of reasons to be grateful and try to write them down twice a week but I repeat them often in my head, during the day. I’m amazed at how quickly my husband has moved on – how pleased he is with himself and how little insight he has into the pain he has caused our family – we are forever changed, over-night. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m on an ending roller-coaster ride.
I’m trying to concentrate on myself, I made the grave mistake of trying to change him over the years – the only person I can change is myself. I’m reaching out to people – sharing my pain, allowing myself to be vulnerable (which is excruciating) and people have responded with kindness.When I share my pain and fear, it’s grip on me is lessened. I’m taking advantage of therapy, self-help groups etc. It’s hard not to beat myself up for my mistakes – especially as my husband has blamed me for virtually every problem we ever had. I must remind myself that this is not true. I must know my truth, who I am and not allow him to project his own issues onto me. He needs to villainize me in order to justify his leaving.
I know this will all pass and I will rise again but it’s hard not knowing when. I don’t have answers anymore – except to say, “I don’t know”. It’s frightening,
un-chartered territory but I must not grasp for control. This is a chance for change. I know there’s a lesson in this. It’s okay not to know.
Sounds like you’re navigating this situation beautifully, SlimKeith.
Would love to have a pen pal. It’s just so harsh right now with realization hitting. I’m sorry for your pain if it’s hard like mine.
Hi Gail. I have read many pieces like this before but for some reason this 1 has hit home more than the rest…. maybe it’s because I have tried to control things out of my control…. tried to rush my rehabilitation instead of taking it day by day… or its just that I’m not the type of person to turn and ask for help….After reading this I now have a better understanding of how to help myself and rather than thinking of my alcohol addiction as a problem, to just enjoy and be thankfull of everyday I’m sober…thank you
This is a huge shift, Rick, from thinking you have a problem to gratitude. Wishing you well with your recovery process…
Gail:
Thank you for this post. I found it tonight while I was working on writing down adjectives to describe myself…steel magnolia, bendable willow tree,
“Pheonix rising from the ashes”. I thought it would be a good idea to write down positive intentions and facts – to keep the scarier thoughts at bay. I feel I’ve been through a big fire! It’s still burning, but perhaps dying down. In one year (2015), my husband lost his executive-level job, I had to arrange an intervention to deal with his alcoholism (something I tried to fix/control for years), my 13 year old daughter lost 17 pounds at camp and ended up in the hospital and diagnosed with anorexia and then 2 months after that my perfectly healthy father (and general go-to-guy) died unexpectedly. I understand the feeling of being in a fog. Moment to moment is the only way to make it through. Its important to find joy in small moments and to concentrate on gratitude. I had to care for my daughter to save her life and did not have time to process all the emotions from everything that happened until 12 months later. A kind therapist has really helped. You really put it into perspective “it happens to all of us at some point, it’s part of the human journey”. Why is it still so surprising when you find out exactly what your own “fire” will be? I’m shocked by all that happened to me and my family…not in the plan for a valedictorian who was “most likely to succeed”. After 15 years at home looking after my 4 children, so my husband could focus on a stressful career (with devastating results!), I am now rising from the ashes to relaunch my career. “I looked into the future and all I could see was confusion” What will happen in 2017? Will we sell the house and further downsize? Will my husband ever work at the same level again? Will my daughter fully recover? Will my mother be alright living on her own? Focus on today. One day at a time. Adjust your vision of the future. You were never in control in the first place! I’m going to make a “want-to-do” list – it’s a great idea! I have a friend who just started into a “fire” – what wisdom and empathy I have now to help her…long walks in nature, a gratitude journal, bible study, prayer, lavender filled eye pillow, sleepy time tea, a bath soaking in epsom salt, a good long cry. I hope people who read this will keep moving forward through their own fires…but don’t try to do it alone.
Sara
So beautiful how you’re meeting all of this, Sara. I honor you – you are not alone in this, in fact, the whole universe supports you.
We get lulled into a kind of everyday existence that forgets we’re not in control and assumes all will continue as is – then wham! We’re awakened again.
What will 2017 bring? Whatever it brings. And you have the wise perspective – one day at a time.
Sending love…
Good Morning Gail,
I just clicked on this link, as a colleague of mine mentioned this to me in an email that I read this morning, ….”but as they say like a phoenix”. I had never heard that before, so I googled exactly what he said, and I clicked on your article.
My story, as brief as I can tell it, is that I just turned 62. I have worked in human services in disability services for just over 36 years, predominately in nonprofit organizations. My last 20 years has been in upper leadership positions, including an Executive Director of two different nonprofits. My most recent one was from 2011-2016. I replaced a long-tenured ED and It was a the biggest challenge of my career. I inherited an antiquated organization, a run-down building and long-term, set-in-their-ways staff. The board had it’s own challenges.
I worked very hard to make relationship with people, instill the need for change, wrote and received many grants, reconnected the agency to the community, developed programs… But, one long-term staff I never really connected with. She was the finance director, had been the interim ED and had applied for the job as well. My never-give-up, keep-trying attitude didn’t work for me this time.
In September the current (fairly new) Board Chair, who I also could not connect with and the Chair-Elect came in and told me I was a nice person, with very good skills that could be used better elsewhere. No previous communication, it was out of the blue. They shared that “staff” were coming to the Board. I am pretty sure who that was. It was a huge sucker punch to say the least.
I had zero support pretty much all of those years I was there and it ended that way significantly on that September day. It has been a very difficult time for me. Thankfully, I have wonderful support from my 20 year old daughter who is away at college, my older sister and friends and colleagues. They have been a true Godsend.
Pretty much I have had doors open for me when one closed, but not this time, as of yet. I have more good days now than bad, but the bad ones are still so difficult; tears, sadness, emptiness, low self-worth.
I am so grateful for my colleague’s email and his mentioning of the “rising of the phoenix”. It really rang true for me. Thank you for your wisdom and your willingness to share your story here. In reading it, I decided to take a risk and share my story. I think, with this in mind, I have gained some strength from the phoenix.
Take care,
Laurie
Thank you for sharing your story, Laurie. You are in a process of recovery. Take good care of yourself, and when the time is right start to see what you might be able to learn from the situation. Was there any way you contributed to the problems? Work environments like the one you describe can be challenging because we don’t always connect with everyone. Is there anything you can learn about connecting with difficult people? (We all have difficult people in our lives!)
So glad you have the support you need. You are rising up….
this was a very helpful article. What is felt was missing was discussion of the importance of forgiveness. And especially forgiveness of one’s self. And for me that is the most difficult part of the equation. I still suffer from that. Working on it every day.
Hi Laurel,
Thank you for bringing up the topic of forgiveness. I support whatever needs to happen to come to peace, especially in trying times, and sometimes that includes the letting go that comes with forgiveness. We forgive ourselves when we learn from what happened and make our lives moving forward a living testimony to those life lessons. The past is gone (although it may be alive in your mind), but every moment now is fresh and new.
Love
Gail
Thanks for the beautiful article Gail ,sometimes these moments strikes you so hard it needs a bigger knock to bring you out and thus the burning fire!!. Somedays you feel you re the only one going through this and you keep seeking the answers as in why you re having to go through this but then am surprised to see there are other people going through something similar, it’s just gives you the strength as in if you can come out of it why can’t I. I have bookmarked this page maybe someday I can help someone else in trouble and they could find their fire to rise. god bless
Love,
Arun
With these insights, I’m sure you will help others, Arun. You can do that just by being open and authentic with the next person you come into contact with.
Learn from whatever has happened so you can move on from the depth of who you are. Much love and support to you…
My Husband died in a car accident 4 months ago. The emotions I have felt have felt like such a rollercoaster, I can barely keep up. Going from shock to numb to sorrow to shock again to anger and through them all again. Over and over. Reading your story really helped me. It explains exactly how I have felt. It’s hard to explain out loud how your life changes when not only your Husband, but your best friend is gone in an instant. Literally here one minute and gone the next. Not to mention to watch my kids pain. That breaks my heart that is already broken even more. If that makes any sense. 7 1/2 years of marriage and almost 9 years together was not enough. Through year long deployments and long periods away offshore in the oilfield, I always missed him. I had no idea all that time apart was just a flash compared to the time I’ll have to walk this Earth without him. I still have this cloud and this fog I’m in and although there are days I can see the light…I’m still very much in the thick of it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Sharyn. Of course you are still in the thick of it. It’s a shock to the system to experience a sudden loss of someone so very close. It takes time to integrate, accept, adapt, and come to terms with what happened. Grief has a mind of its own – coming in waves, overtaking us, then subsiding until the next time. Just let these waves happen as best you can. This is a time to take such good care of yourself, and when it gets hard to do that, seeking help and support from loving people around you. I will be holding you and your children in my heart.
Sending much love
Gail