āIn spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.ā
~Martin Buber
What is the #1 problem in relationships, a major source of unhappiness, and a deterrent to our peace of mind? Expectations.
If you want to be disappointed or frustrated, just expect someone to do or say something, and wait for the fallout. It will come. Holding an expectation is like putting a vice grip around reality, and reality will eventually break free. People do what they do, circumstances happen as they happen, no matter what we think or want.
The Power of Expectations
An expectation is a big, fat should. It creates a scenario of what we want the future to be like – he should…she shouldn’t… And then he doesn’t or she does.
Expectations move us out of the realm of the real and into the mind-created realm of imagination, fantasy, and hope. And by buying into these beliefs, we bring struggle to our own lives and disharmony to our relationships.
A friend of mine recently called this the ātyranny of should.ā When we take āshouldā thoughts as real, we act like a tyrant wielding oppressive power toward ourselves and those around us. We clamp down on people, trying to limit their freedom to meet our needs. I know I have wielded my should’s and expectations in relationships. I have hurt people, including myself. Have you?
Trying to eliminate expectations is unlikely to bring you the peace that you long for. Expectations are the product of the mind, and it seems like the mind has, well, a mind of its own.
Rather than fighting with these thoughts, consider taking the compassionate approach. Investigate them, see if they are true, determine what fuels them, take in the effect they have on you and the people around you. Bring so much awareness to them that they lose their power. Then go forth in freedom.
The Compassionate Approach
- Investigating your expectations requires you to take responsibility. The focus of your attention moves from blaming and a āpoor meā mentality to an honest appraisal of your thoughts and feelings. You choose the path of wisdom and intelligence by giving up your need to be right. You are willing to illuminate the truth.
- The fuel that keeps expectations in place is an unexamined feeling. What are you afraid of ā being alone, losing control, not getting what you want, not being right? Let these fears surface and receive them with so much love.
- Notice how these fears give rise to the expectation. If you are afraid of being alone, you try to limit your partnerās need for space and independence. If you are afraid of losing control, you react when things donāt go according to plan. See the process clearly:Ā fear ? expectation ? inner reaction ? reaction toward another
- Feel the effect of reacting to an expectation. Is this what you really want ā for yourself, for others?
- Align yourself with reality. You canāt control what other people say or do. You canāt foretell the future. Stay open and accepting to things as they are.
- If you are really stuck, go straight to your heart and offer wishes of well-being, happiness, and peace to yourself and whoever is triggering you. Eventually, you will want to thank the other person for helping to bring this problem to your awareness.
If you have a habit of acting on expectations, do yourself a favor. Take the time to do the work. Be willing to be honest and see what keeps you trapped. Lovingly come to peace within yourself.Ā Every person you know will thank you for it.
Do you get trapped by your expectations?Ā What is that like?Ā Have you experienced freedom from expectations?Ā Iād love to hearā¦
Dan Blakely says
Gail – this is a great point. My wife and I used to find ourselves caught in the circle of having something not live up to “expectations” – regardless of whether they are realistic or not. Funny thing is that it was STILL a great experience but our imagined expectations shadowed it and make us feel like it wasn’t good enough.
The good thing now is that we recognize it, talk about it and most of the time have it out in the open. That is the key as you point out. We are managing our thoughts!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Dan, and thank you for your comment.
You and your wife have gained some very useful insights. Expectations are all about imagination, and you found that reality is just fine. I love that!
VĆctor says
Hi, Gail.
I follow every post you write.
It’s a shame it’s not written in Spanish, but I do my best to understand what you want to pass on.
For the time I’ve been reading you I have noticed that your advices are really good to improve our lives.
I apologize for my bad english.
Than you very much indeed.
VĆctor
Madrid, Spain.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome and buenas dias to you, Victor.
Thank you so much for writing and for your kind words. I’m glad you find these posts helpful, even though you may not understand all of it.
Mejores deseos para usted…
jonathanfigaro says
Once we keep our expectations high. We move sway from weakness into the lap and luxury of success.
.-= jonathanfigaroĀ“s last blog ..Can You Be A Superhero =-.
Gail Brenner says
An interesting take on expectations, Jonathan. Sounds like you have found them helpful – kind of like a goal or dream you would like to accomplish. Thanks for offering your perspective.
Michael_e says
Expectations are resentments awaiting to be born.
Gail Brenner says
Well said, Michael. I can definitely relate from my own personal experience. Expecting someone to be a certain way does lead to disappointment and resentment.
Teresa says
I agree with that Micheal. I have found a lot of resentment and didn’t realize until recently it was because of my expectations. It’s been a hard one for me to stop doing.
.-= TeresaĀ“s last blog ..Weekly Five Countdown =-.
Dani says
Hi Gail,
Thank you for this post. My partner and I recently decided to go our separate ways, and your post has brought a lot of clarity to why I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I intend to do the work and not take my expectations with me next time.
Thanks again š
Gail Brenner says
Hi Dani, and welcome to you,
I’m so glad you were able to get some clarity. I love that you see that the work is yours to do. Our job is definitely not the impossible task of trying to change someone else.
I wish you well now and “next time.”
Teresa says
A friend and I had a pretty tough conversation a week ago. I know part of the issue is my expectations. It is so painful when you hope someone will say something to you or understand something that is bothering you. When they don’t react the way you want it hurts. I know this si something I need to work on.
.-= TeresaĀ“s last blog ..Weekly Five Countdown =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Teresa, and welcome to you.
My thought about the next step for you, if it feels right, is to see what fears might be fueling these expectations. I know what it’s like to realize there’s something you need to work on. You’ll discover what you need by looking inside.
I wish you well…
Chris Akins says
Hi Gail,
Another fabulous post. “Should” is a cognitive distortion that damages many relationships. Accepting and giving genuine bids for affection are the core of any strong relationship.
Chris
.-= Chris AkinsĀ“s last blog ..How to prioritize your ideas for best results =-.
Gail Brenner says
Chris, I think you’ve gotten right to the source of what makes a strong relationship, which is the emotional bond. How to create and sustain that? By accepting and giving affection. It’s what we all want and need. I appreciate your clarity here.
Galen Pearl says
Your post reminded me of this quote from “A Place of Hiding,” by Elizabeth George. “Expectations destroy our peace of mind, don’t they? They’re future disappointments planned out in advance.”
It also reminded me of a conversation I had with my daughter about her behavior when she was in high school. At one point she protested, “Why do you have such high expectations for me?!” Actually, I thought my expectations of decent behavior were pretty basic, not high at all!
.-= Galen PearlĀ“s last blog ..Getting Our Happiness Bearings =-.
Gail Brenner says
I love this, Galen: “future disappointments planned out in advance.” It really shows the futility of believing in expectations.
I’m sure your daughter will be thanking you for your “high” expectations as she gets older.
Christopher Foster says
It’s good to connect with you and your spirit again Gail.Such great advice in this artcle.
There is one expectation, and only one, I thnk, that is truly valid: and it’s the expectation framed a long time ago that goes like this: “As you sow, so shall you reap.” So let me not inflict expectations on myself (or on my sweet, caring wife JoAnn) but be thankful for what is.
.-= Christopher FosterĀ“s last blog ..100 steps to grace for 2011 =-.
Gail Brenner says
This is beautiful, Chris. I always love your simple and clear wisdom.
Expectations seen through transform into gratitude so naturally. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Hashi says
Thank you so much for this Gail. Very timely. I quoted you, and linked to this post, on my blog tonight. Namaste.
.-= HashiĀ“s last blog ..What am I afraid of =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Hashi. Thank you so much for quoting me. I am honored! I love how you are so heartfelt in telling the truth on your blog.
Take care,
Gail
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
I sure know the difference between a thriving relationship and a generic one. Some relationships are full of vigor and bouncing ideas and common relations, and some are about as plain as a vanilla colored envelope. We only remember the exciting relationships.
I think your description here is cool because it is like we are trying to clamp down on reality when we set expectations. Telling the world who’s boss is the same as telling a wall who is boss. The wall doesn’t respond either.
I don’t set expectations of others, unless they have alluded to something they will be doing, and this is a healthy way to go.
.-= Armen ShirvanianĀ“s last blog ..A Poem ā January 2011 =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Armen,
I like your comparison to telling a wall who is boss. What we want has nothing to do with reality, actually.
Great to hear you don’t usually hold expectations of others. That means there is a lot of freedom in your relationships. So much to enjoy…
Ellen says
Hi Gail,
I have been hurt by the end of a long-term relationship recently. I have struggled immensely with letting go, and keep allowing myself to be hurt by this person. I am willing to give our future another chance, I realised while reading this that I do have so many expectations…. that he will treat me in certain ways and value me more and most of all that he will come determined to win me back and fight to have me in his life. Part of these are fuelled by the fear of being hurt again, being left by my best-friend among other things. I desperately want to choose happiness because I can see it will not happen until I am secure, but I do not understand, “The fuel that keeps expectations in place is an unexamined feeling. What are you afraid of ā being alone, losing control, not getting what you want, not being right? Let these fears surface and receive them with so much love.” How do I receive these fears with love? What does that actually mean?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Ellen,
Welcome to you! I hear the wisdom in your comment, realizing that you are being motivated by fears of being alone, etc. I have written a lot on this blog about feelings, and fear in particular. Here are some articles for you to check out:
This is a series on emotions with an audio guided meditation. And if you go through the archives, you will see many articles on fear.
You are on a beautiful journey to recognize these fears and not let them control you. Sending love…