āTo a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.ā
~Chang Tzu
It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized how much I was moving away from life. It had been happening for years until I finally saw that pulling away in fear was my first response to people, situations, new possibilities.
Once I saw this tendency in the light of day, the jig was up. I learned to stop moving away and wholeheartedly embrace things as they are. It was a happy revolution in my whole way of being.
We tend to move in three ways: toward, away, or against. Which is your style? See how you move, and you will discover the joys of not moving. For when you take your stand in the here-and-now, life becomes available to you ā intimate, rich, and full.
Moving Toward
Moving toward is based on need and lack. If this is your style, you grasp at people and things to fill you up and give you what you think you are missing. This tendency is learned at a very young age. You convince yourself that you are not enough.
Yet the truth is that who you are is whole, full, and overflowing. Can you not move and see that there is nothing lacking?
Moving toward looks like this:
- Seeking approval from others
- Great concern about the image you present in the world
- Sacrificing yourself for others, then feeling resentful
- Perceiving yourself as lacking and flawed
- Difficulty walking away from relationships that aren’t working
- Attachment to your personal dramas
- Grasping money, people, objects
- Feeling that you are special and avoiding your ordinariness
When you notice these tendencies, stop. With great compassion, let the feelings and urges arise, but don’t act on them. Relax back into yourself, and realize that life is complete, just as it is, in this very moment.
Moving Away
Moving away is all about fear and avoidance. In response to just about everything, there is tightening in the body, contraction in the breath, and a physical pulling away from whatever is present in the moment. Threat is seen everywhere.
Moving away is built on a perceived lack of safety and security. What are you really afraid of, anyway? Can you consider trusting that you are OK, that you can engage with life that is unfolding right now?
Moving away looks like this:
- Paralyzing doubt and indecision
- A surface bravado that avoids the experience of fear
- Nonstop thinking
- Avoiding people and situations
- Trepidation in the face of anything new
- Fear of committing to anything
- A tendency toward paranoid thinking
- Excessive worry
- Holding yourself back
Moving away has strong physical and mental elements. Learn how to relax your body and breathe deeply. Experiment with not running your life by all the thoughts that appear in your mind. Put the thoughts aside (they aren’t helping you), and stay here, present. Open yourself fully to the wonder of now.
Moving Against
Anger, frustration, entitlement. Some of us live with our figurative fists flying in every direction. We show up ready for a struggle, while missing out on what is here when we let our guard down.
Moving against is a defensive posture that avoids vulnerability. What if you allowed yourself to open tenderly to the reality of now?
Moving against looks like this:
- Tendency toward anger and resistance to people, situations, the world
- Rebelliousness
- A sense of entitlement ā things should be the way you want them to be
- Judgment ā either outward toward others or inward toward yourself
- Stuffing anger by eating, sleeping, and avoiding conflict at all costs
- Desire for power and control
- Championing the underdog
It takes so much effort to face the world primed for a fight. Really, there’s nothing to protect. Let the anger subside, and be open, soft, and receptive. Relax into life unfolding.
The strategies of moving toward, away, and against sap your energy. They all require you to be vigilant and defensive. The alternative? Stop…be still.
How do you move? What would it be like to stop? I’d love to hear…
Laurie Young says
Lightbulb Moment! I’m “Moving Toward”. I always thought that was what I was supposed to be doing. Moving toward fulfilling my true purpose. Living up to my potential. Fixing my flaws. Going beyond the petty dramas of life to a higher place. My intentions have been pure yet no matter how many self-development books I read, classes I take, I come back to feeling like I’m just my ordinary self and that’s not enough. I feel like I’m awlays searching to be more, to see more, to understand more and that I would feel different or special in figuring out the true meaning of my life. I fear that my life will be over and I will have been on this endless quest to arrive somewhere that doesn’t exist.
I was struck by this point in your post “ā¢Feeling that you are special and avoiding your ordinariness”.
I think this is where I’ve been missing the point. I’ve seen ordinary as a bad thing…if I’m ordinary I’m certainly not enlightened. If I’m ordinary, I wouldn’t know better; I’d be lazy and ignorant. I’d eat poorly and get caught up in the petty dramas of life. I thought I was special in wanting a life beyond those things. I’ve strived to be above that.
But …What if, in fact, I’m not broken? What would happen if I stopped trying to improve myself? Would accepting myself as being ordinary be like striving for mediocrity?
How do you begin to unlearn these ideas 40 years in? The lightbulb has come on…but how do I begin to recreate a new truth for myself?
Where do you start when our modern day society is based on making you believe you are not enough? There is a billion dollar industry at work to make sure I know that at the fibre of my core.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Laurie,
Thank you for your honesty here. It sounds like you have many ideas about who you are and who you are supposed to or want to be. The truth is beyond any of these ideas. The true end to suffering comes not from trying to improve yourself, but in realizing the truth of who you are – the unconditioned you. One way this is revealed is by shedding all conditioned patterns. As these patterns are seen through as essentially false, and temporary, the Self is revealed – full, complete, whole, shining. And in this realization, there is great simplicity – one could say ordinariness.
Where to start? Be totally dedicated to freedom. Investigate every nuance of every habit and belief with the laser light of your attention. Relax completely, and you will be on the road back to yourself.
Wishing you a marvelous journey…
Deb says
Is it possible to be moving all 3 ways at once? That’s me. I have been learning to sit back and relax into my life. I too like your thoughts about being ordinary. All my life I thought that was not good, I had to be special, if I wasn’t then I was deficient. Then I discovered it is ok to be ordinary. I am me, an ordinary, average person with an ordinary life – but it is MY life. What a great thing to celebrate every day!
Laurie Young says
I feel inspired to go listen to Sarah McLachlan’s Ordinary Miracles:-)
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for this, Laurie. What a perfect addition here.
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, Deb. The end of striving reveals just this – whatever is here in this moment, ordinary.
Yes, most of us have all of these tendencies, although usually one predominates. So good to be aware of all of them, so they can be seen.
Happy celebrating!
Timaree says
I am like Deb. I feel like I am two of these very strongly but moving away some too. How do we stop? I can say it, but how do we DO it? I don’t like being angry which seems to be the strongest. I never would have classified myself as any of these. I would have said I take life as it comes but your bullets hit home over and over so I must not be as aware of my feelings as I thought.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your question, Timaree – how to stop? Moving – toward, away, or against – means that we move our attention away from the now and into the feelings and bodily sensations evoked in these tendencies. Stop means don’t move your attention. Don’t follow the next thought or emotion. Don’t create any new stories, and drop the ones that are already running. Be with things just as they are. If there is anger, don’t tell a story about it. Simply welcome the bodily sensations. Deepen into your experience in the present. Relax totally.
Conditioning can be subtle, so I appreciate your willingness to see another layer. Just be still, and everything will be revealed.
Bonnie Perry says
I appreciate your clear description Gail, and your question Timaree. Like this I can see that life is our meditation, isn’t it, always pointing out what is true.
What Is is unshake-ably so and what ‘isn’t’ is just like a temporary taste sensation/experience. Nothing is denied, yet everything is put in its proper perspective. We are already overflowing in fullness without having to change a thing about our experience. We can just relax and be.
Appreciatively,
Bonnie
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Bonnie, life always shows us the way if we are willing to see it. I love this: nothing is denied, and everything is seen as it is, for what it is. Aaaahhh…deep relaxation…
Timaree says
I didn’t get it before when you said in another post to feel the bodily sensations but when you add “Donāt create any new stories, and drop the ones that are already running” it makes sense to me. My mind can run like a broken record! So stop, feel and don’t make a story! I’ll give it a good workout. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Timaree,
I’m so glad I said the words that connected with you! Yes, stop, feel, and don’t make a story. Let me know how it goes…
David says
Hi Gail,
I like to pause & reflect because there are times that I get ‘off track’, maybe too many times. Stepping back gives me time to see what’s going on from a different perspective. Thank you for this.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
Pausing and reflecting are so essential, David. They bring light to darkness and point us out of our suffering.
Wishing you well…
Susie @ Wise At Work says
dear Gail.
I prefer the double jump rope — moving toward and moving against! I’m pleased to report they have lessened over time however I need heightened awareness regarding my tendency for “championing the underdog.” I can get in the middle of that situation (automatically:^) and then see I’m standing in the muck.
I really enjoy your posts because they bring me back to the here and now each week.
Thank you so much.
Susie
Gail Brenner says
Hi Susie,
I imagine that you are experiencing more ease if these tendencies are lessening. Standing in the muck – oh, I’ve been there countless times. But each one offers an opportunity for exploration – and freedom. And as we are fierce about the desire to investigate, what seems automatic begins to consciously take shape. Then the pattern is on its way out.
Susie @ Wise At Work says
Gail, I like your phrase “what seems automatic begins to consciously take shape.”
Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
Susie,
When we are very aware, there is no such thing as the unconscious. Everything has the potential to be seen. So we slow down enough and investigate. What seems automatic miraculously is seen a choice.
Sandra Pawula says
Goodness Gail, Is it possible to be all three! š I love the idea of embracing life as it is. These styles can be so entrenched though, can’t they? It takes time to unwind them. Thanks for the encouragement.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Sandra, we probably all do all three, but tend toward one more than the others. And yes, these styles are very entrenched. We think they are “us.” That is why it can be so useful to name them and all the consequences they bring us. Most times, we need to see the conditioning before it can dissolve.
christy says
Gail, Thanks for your amazingly clear description of these 3 conditioned responses. My underlying conditioning seems to be more fear-based, so the response to withdraw is most frequent. Irritation/anger/rage seems layered on top of the fear and sparks judgementalness and the “attack reponse”. After thoroughly pissing off the people around me, I can become conciliatory and move towards, always focussed on the other’s response towards me, rather than my own experience. Its quite a dance and one I have grown less embarressed about, and now can feel more selfkindness. I find the more I can have a regular practice of daily prayer, meditation and yoga, and allow the lessons to permeate my day moment-to-moment, the more space I have to notice the initiation, stop and allow the conditioned response to unwind. It takes alot of patience, appreciation and humor. I feel trememdous gratitude and some giggles for the opportunity to wake up into this amazing life that has always been there.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Christy,
So great to hear from you! What you describe was the same with me – anger covering over fear. Once the anger started dissolving, whoa, there was so much fear.
What I love about your comment is that it speaks to the dedication and patience needed to stay with the discovery of these patterns that drive us. We must be fierce for the truth, and the road is not always smooth. Practices that support relaxation and “allowing the lessons to permeate your day moment-to-moment” clearly help. Most of us do not shift overnight, but chipping away at these structures eventually reveals “this amazing life that has always been here.”
Much love to you….
Deb Perkins says
Hi Gail,
I think Moving Towards has been my predominant style, although I have embodied the others, too. At first I didn’t think Moving Towards applied so strongly to me, but once I took away a decade or two, BOY, did it apply! So I see the growth.
I like how you keep reinforcing the wisdom of being curious and inquiring about our patterns and emotions. It is sage advice in this era of drama, projection, and sweeping things under the rug.
Deb
Gail Brenner says
Hi Deb,
Glad that you can see some growth, or as I would say it, shedding. As we shed these tendencies, they reveal the reality of ourselves that has been here all along. We don’t change into something else, we return home, in a sense, and discover who we have always been. I love being consistently curious – it offers the compass that takes us back to ourselves, over and over.
Love to you…
Derek says
Hi Gail! My wife has been reading your blog and has been talking about it so much I had to come check it out. I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve read. Thanks for the thoughtfulness and kindness, this world needs more people like you!!
Gail Brenner says
It is my joy to share, Derek. Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment.
Clare says
I see that my first habitual tendency is to move away, then guilt takes hold and I move towards, (the old “I should” takes over), then when that doesn’t work it is anger and resentment/moving against. What a rollercoaster ride! Sheesh! I won’t say that I’ve gotten better, (although I would like to think I have), but I have recognized these tendencies through meditation and I realize that all three are linked to the desire to find ground, or be grounded and involve that struggle to let go of attachment. Just being is the ability to be groundless, but we are so unaccustomed to that it feels scary, so we continue to fruitlessly grasp for something, anything to make us feel grounded. I really enjoyed this post. You always spell things out so clearly. Very inspiring.
Gail Brenner says
You make an important point here, Clare, that I want to emphasize. Each of these strategies – moving toward, away, and against – are about knowing, being in the familiar, rather than floating in the unknown. When we stop, be still, and let the strategies fall away, there we are – not knowing, unattached to anything, pure being. It can be scary, but my experience is that the peace that is possible eventually melts all fear.
Ajen says
What a wonderful post and discussion thread! I guess at some point in our lives we have been one or the other and perhaps all three. What is beautiful is this: we can embrace any or all of the three and experience them as we become more self-aware.
It is not about trying to move in one direction and not the other. It is about allowing our “self” to be and experience the moment and to learn about our “self” in relation to the moment…. and hopefully, we gain knowledge. …better yet wisdom.
Thank you for this post.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Ajen. And when we allow our “self” to experience the moment, what do we learn? The end of resistance shows us that peace is possible, right in this very moment. This is the ultimate wisdom. To know that there is nothing to figure out, nowhere to go. Simply experiencing now reveals all.
Christopher Foster says
Something I’m getting a lot more comfortable with is realizing that faced with busy thoughts or feelings I don’t need to do anything.
Let them do whatever they want to do. I’m happy staying in touch with that part of me that never changes and can’t be diminished or changed by anything.
Thanks for another great piece Gail.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Chris,
Isn’t that great? We can have a busy mind or agitated feelings, but we don’t need to do anything. And there is that which cannot possibly be diminished or affected. So beautiful, thanks.
Galen Pearl says
What a clear and thorough description of all the ways we “move.” Your post title reminded me of Pema Chodron’s mention of a card she received that said, “Sit! Stay! Heal!” That still cracks me up. It took me a long time to learn the wisdom of being still. I knew very well how to move in ALL the directions you described. Now I’m much more likely to stop and pause. And breathe. Lovely post.
Gail Brenner says
I love that, Galen – āSit! Stay! Heal!ā Very funny! And so apt for this post. The way to heal is to stop – a possibility available to all of us.
Martin says
Recognising Toward, Away and Against I find I can identify with each and find the deconposition very practical. On reflection is see myself falling into one of these approachs depending on the situation I face, the inmportant behaviour being to center. Great blog and discussion.
Gail Brenner says
So glad you stopped by and took the time to comment, Martin. Yes, staying grounded in the center…recognizing the urge to move and then not moving. This is where freedom lies.