“When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.”
~Byron Katie
A friend of mine took a yoga class the other day, the kind in which you stay in the poses for a really long time, and it was fascinating to hear of his experience. Bliss, relaxation, struggle, pain, comfort, resistance, release – all of it happened in a matter of minutes.
This is the value of staying – even when it’s hard. You get to actually experience reality. You get to be with what’s going on. And you get to recognize that simply being aware is the gateway to the deepest peace.
Are You a Runner?
Our modern society teaches us to run. We are masters at avoiding, distracting, and resisting. We think that if we keep moving forward, to the world out there and away from ourselves, that we will find the peace and happiness that we long for.
This tendency feeds all kinds of problems – addictions, habits, frustration, alienation, bitterness, envy, personal inadequacy. You live in need rather than fullness, lack rather than peace and contentment.
It’s an endless cycle of suffering and heartache, that maybe you are caught in. Have you ever gotten the object or job or relationship you were craving? How long did your happiness last before you weren’t so satisfied anymore?
The radical choice for all of life’s ills is to stay. Really, it’s the only sane solution. Continuing to avoid yourself and seek something other than what is here right now keeps you completely stuck. Mired in wanting. Consumed by dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment. Disconnected from yourself and from love.
Are you happy and content? Then you are happy and content in the present. You aren’t locked into desire or distraction. You aren’t disturbed by negative thoughts about yourself or the past or future. You are simply here, enjoying the moment.
How to Stay
The instructions for staying are so simple: don’t do anything and simply be.
- Recognize that you are aware, and center your attention in awareness.
- Get familiar with this space of non-doing. It is open, peaceful, boundless, alive.
- Anything can arise in it, and you stay as awareness.
It’s really that simple. Rest in non-doing for a few minutes to start, and right away your whole perspective will shift. Then spend as many moments as you like in this quiet space. Don’t make it a chore. Do it for enjoyment and freedom, for ease and well being.
As you stay as awareness, you will notice thoughts or feelings or the tendency to move into familiar habits. Instead of starting to rev up and do again, simply stay with being. This is exactly what my friend did in his yoga class. No matter what arose, he stayed and let everything be.
It might seem unnatural at first to stay, but eventually you realize that it is relaxing, effortless, and natural. Your attention rests in being, and from here, nothing that arises is a problem.
Glorious Staying
If playing out conditioned habits isn’t working for you and you are looking for a peaceful state that you think is not present now, experiment with staying. Here is what you might experience:
- The force to carry out habits and patterns weakens. You realize you can stay and let the momentum to do run itself down rather than acting on habits that aren’t serving you anyway.
- You are flexible and open. Running on automatic keeps you caught in one way of being. Staying offers options, insights, and clarity you haven’t had the space to see.
- Presence shows you the truth about your experience. You see thoughts as simply mental chatter, feelings as stories and physical sensations that don’t have any essential meaning. As aware presence, you are alive, functioning well, and totally okay.
Staying creates the possibility for you to tap into being. Without the distraction of mind-made pressures, your idea of yourself as a separate person with needs and desires to fulfill falls away.
Miraculously, you realize you are one with the totality of being and intimate with all things – right now. You are endlessly peaceful, completely content, seeing and being love with no separation. This is the possibility for you.
Staying starts a revolution. Are you in?
What makes it hard to stay? What is your experience with staying? I’d love to hear…
Galen Pearl says
My first thought was about my daughter Mia who came home from her first lacrosse practice saying she wanted to quit because she didn’t know how to play. I suggested she go to one more practice before deciding. She stayed and went on to play on the varsity team.
The more immediate example, though, is today. Something happened today that was upsetting. I was very agitated and wanted to “escape” by reacting immediately and forcefully. It was very hard to just stay still and breathe. I am still working on that.
Gail Brenner says
These are some great examples of the value of staying, Galen. Thanks so much for sharing them.
Victoria says
Gail,
Sometimes I think you are mind reading! Your message always seems to find me right where I am at that moment.
Certainly, “staying” is a practice of being in our own experience, really being in it…and this isn’t always fun or comfortable! But, I so agree, that it is the only way to “be” and to grow.
Thank you for another wonderful post…
Gail Brenner says
Hi Victoria,
A warm welcome to you! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.
Yes, being in our own experience. That’s it exactly. And most times, when we allow what is uncomfortable to simply be, we find out it isn’t nearly as hard as we thought it would be.
Wishing you well on your journey…
Lori Gosselin (@lori says
Hi Gail,
This is how I have understood what you said. Staying with, being with what’s going on rather than trying to run from it. Seems like a theme – I’ve now run into this message three times today in the Blogosphere. I guess it’s a message for me – thanks for that! 🙂
Lori
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Lori, not running. You can reason it out – what are the effects of running, what are the effects of not running? Not running may be hard, and even painful, but running will always keep you stuck. It’s OK to be uncomfortable. This is how we face what we have been avoiding. And why face what has been avoided? Peace, freedom from tension and anxiety, relaxation from giving up the effort of resistance.
Susan says
Hello Gail,
Thank you for your wise words, which are right on target for me today. I have an ongoing situation of staying with what is hard – I’m in the last few months of completing a PhD.
Taking this arduous journey has been very hard for me for a long time because my heart is not in what I’m doing and I’m only sticking with it for the sake of finishing what I have put years of effort into. I also feel I would let myself, and those who have supported me, down if I didn’t see it through. I still have an enormous amount of work to do and I struggle every day with knowing I want to take a different direction after I finish and yet still somehow believing this isn’t a waste of several years of my life – even though it often feels that way.
In other areas of my life I do stay with difficult feelings and I don’t try to escape them. This PhD journey is the most challenging situation I face and I have made substantial sacrifices in terms of income and living arrangements in order to keep going with it.
Being true to myself and being my own person is so important. I do seek to do things that have meaning and purpose for me. I can’t give myself reasons to finish this that aren’t true. The title and recognition are not important to me. Following through on something I have committed to and valuing the wonderful support of my family, friends and university colleagues is important. I guess that’s enough, and I will just have to keep going one day at a time until I reach the top of Mt Everest!
Any thoughts you have would be much appreciated Gail.
with love,
Susan
Gail Brenner says
Hi Susan,
Believe me, no one finds writing a Ph.D. thesis easy – or always enjoyable – even when you are passionate about what you are writing about. And I can understand it being so much harder where you are with it.
I’m not at all suggesting you not complete your degree, but your comment makes me think about balancing staying with the knowing that it’s time to move on. In this post, I was referring to staying with our own challenging moments and not running into busyness or addictions, etc. So I wonder, for you, if, just for a moment, you were to put aside the justifications for finishing – the whole story – and let yourself feel what is going on inside. I imagine you will find strong feelings and sensations in your body, maybe even a fight and resistance. Take some time to just let them be, while you stay with them. If it’s frustrating, painful, whatever, that’s OK. You are feeling your reality in the moment.
It is from this place that wisdom comes. Can you connect with the movement to want to finish? If so, you are noticing a naturally arising tendency to work toward your degree. Each time you connect with this, it will be easier to do the work. If, when you let the story go, it feels wrong, or you get a “no” then that is important information as well.
This inner listening goes beneath any mental story and beyond fear. You are allowing yourself to truly listen so you can be aligned with your path.
This may not be the response you were looking for, but it is the one based on truth. I’m all in favor of working hard to reach a goal. And in the middle of a huge project, it can feel like you are slogging through, even when you are fired up about what you are doing. So listen carefully, with openness, and see what you discover.
Gail Brenner says
One more thing, Susan. If I remember correctly you are getting a Ph.D. in psychology or some other social science? I can say from personal experience it has totally been worth it to have that credential because it opens doors.
Susan says
Thank you Gail for such a thoughtful response to my situation and for remembering correctly. I am in the psychology field, but this thesis is in the area of business psychology. It is the business part that no longer calls to me.
Since posting my comment I have done some deep listening as you suggest and I agree that the truth lies below the story and the justifications. I have been able to connect with the movement to finish and a surprising thing happened. I felt that I could begin to think of my thesis as a friend instead of a burden. Maybe it will help to open doors that I can’t see yet.
Gail Brenner says
I love surprises, Susan! I thought more about your situation and saw that you were consumed in conflict and an internal fight – not comfortable at all. And you have found your way out of that – your thesis is your friend. Maybe that is the door that you have been looking for. Sounds just right…
Bonnie Perry says
Ironically, that which stays is always fresh and new and what seems to leave and run is same old, same old never getting anywhere!
Gail Brenner says
A beautiful twist, Bonnie! When the same old is no longer interesting, staying with what is absolutely true is unending delight.
If the “old” leaves on it’s own accord, there is no problem. But if there is a running from it and a reticence about facing it (and a one who runs from it), that is when staying can be valuable.
Clare says
Staying has been a goal of mine this year, one that I hope to get better at, but know I will never truly perfect. I really appreciate this post. It comes at the perfect time. I am learning, through staying, the joy of acceptance, even if the journey is painful or otherwise unpleasant.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Clare,
May I suggest that you not put a limit on your happiness? As you get used to staying, which it sounds like you are, eventually it becomes a joy. It doesn’t matter if something is unpleasant or painful, you just let it arise, then it moves through. The space it arises in is not disturbed and remains eternally peaceful. It doesn’t matter if you are perfect at it or not. The one who wants to be perfect is a mind-created idea. Put her aside, and you will see that you are already free! Big yes! to the joy of acceptance. The most huge joy comes from the simple uncomplicated reality of things just as they are.
So much love to you…
Clare says
Wonderful advice. I can see that I really do limit my happiness and have perfectionist “tendencies”. Thank you so much for your advice. I will keep it with me.
Laura says
Whose urge to go? I have recently become an empty-nester. I stayed at home to raise my children for the past 20 years. There were a few times in the early years where I tried to balance work and home and didn’t like who I was in either spot, so opted again to stay at home. I love my life at home, until I meet with friends or loved ones who criticize my decision. Many think, now is the time to get back out into the work world, earn money, have a real life. When I put my attention on these thoughts, inevitably,I find, I am still happy at home. The only urge to not stay comes in the form of your original quote from Byron Katie – “to please, to influence…” it is from fear – fear that I will be non-influential, fear that my opinion will not count, fear that my voice will not be heard, fear that I am less worthy, fear that my contributions are less valued, fear that my place is not important. “fear is the cause, and pain is the result.”
Gail Brenner says
Hi Laura,
Thanks so much for your comment. It is obviously so clear what the right path is for you – you know where happiness is for you. But it is the voice of fear that is confusing you. Fear looks to the future and imagines the worst – all the fearful thoughts you mentioned. But are they true? Will they come to pass? The truth is that you don’t know.
You project out to others however you feel about yourself. You can make the decision within yourself to value your own opinions and contributions, to know that you are essentially worthy, see your place in the world as important. When you come from this empowered place, others are likely to see you this way. And if they don’t, it doesn’t matter because of your certainty in your own wholeness.
Shift your focus to yourself, and see if you can live the life you know is true for you. Very exciting!
Laura says
Thank you so much Gail, for such a heartfelt reply. This is exactly my current work – I am working on wholeness and spirituality now that I finally have the time – and it’s a good reminder – we don’t know the future – I don’t yet know how it will benefit, not only me – but everyone else in my life. Thank you.
Anna says
There’s nothing bad about running or changing your place. However, it’s important to know that changing the outside will not necessarily change the inside. We always take our problems and challenges with us.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Anna. That is my point exactly.
If we want to change our circumstances, no problem. But if we are running from uncomfortable feelings, then we will continue to repeat patterns that aren’t working for us. Why? We haven’t gotten to the root of the trouble, and it is still running the show. That is why staying is valuable. If we are willing to meet the feelings that drive us with love and understanding – rather than ignoring or running from them – then we have the potential for freedom from habits.
Clay says
Amazing post, thank you for sharing! Our modern society despises habits and routine so much and worships constant change. But once we find happiness in a particular situation, that’s good to be reminded that staying has great value too!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Clay,
Thanks for stopping by. Constant change can be an addiction, an avoidance of what is here – and avoidance of the path to happiness. Staying – even when it’s hard – is the way to happiness. And, of course, if you are already happy, no need to go anywhere!
William Veasley says
Gail: I’m grateful for the knowledge that you have given me. And, I am working on living in the moment and being as aware as possible. I can say that what progress I have made at letting go of things I can’t control, shouldn’t control and just living in the moment is helping me to become a better person. I can honestly say that I am more aware now than I have ever been in my life and I am also more at peace. I guess they sort of go hand and hand. The things that used to bother me do not so much anymore and I feel more joyful and like everyday is going to be a good day.
I used to have some negative feelings in the morning after I awoke, but I don’t really have those anymore. I feel like when I look at a picture, any picture (I mean life) that I see things I didn’t before and it all around shines instead of being a dull picture.
Does that make sense?
Best Wishes,
WIlliam Veasley
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, William. This makes complete sense, and I am celebrating with you! Simply being present allows you to see what has always been here, but has been masked by incessant mind activity and attachment to emotions. When you let go of what you can’t control, you are just here. It is so simple! And in the quiet and space that come by letting go of stress and constructs, you get to experience joy, clear seeing, peace. So beautiful….
Johngary says
Your post inspires me to remember the quote of steve jobs — stay hungry and stay foolish
Gail Brenner says
Yes, I love that quote, Johngary. It’s about openness to everything – even what’s hard.