“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
~Rumi
Have you ever been stuck in a grudge against someone? Are you feeling wronged, taken advantage of, or betrayed?
There are many ways that our connection in relationship can break down, and feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly is one of them.
If you’re like me, it’s like a fire burning inside that says, “No!” No, it shouldn’t be this way. No, she shouldn’t have said that. And here we are, caught in blame. Because if the other is wrong, then you must be right.
Due to their own unconscious patterns, people can be thoughtless and hurtful and do things that have challenging effects on us. But staying caught in blaming others, no matter how tempting it is, does little to ease our pain.
Life brings us what it brings us, and we have little control over it. However, what we can do is go within and decide how we want to meet what’s been given.
Life’s challenges, as difficult as they are, can be seen as generous opportunities for conscious exploration and the wisdom that softens our minds and hearts.
If you’re feeling wronged, there’s an inner journey available that guides you to restore your connection with the flow of life. It takes time, intention, and a tremendous amount of self-compassion. Be very tender with yourself when you’re ready to begin this process.
The last time I held a grudge, I spent months blaming the other person in my mind. I’m sure I repeated the “she shouldn’t have” story thousands of times. Finally, it dawned on me that I was tired of my own suffering…and that’s when the journey began.
The Solution Is Not in the Story
Our minds love to grab onto stories of judgment, hurt, and revenge. It feels satisfying to be right because it justifies the pain we feel.
What is your actual experience while you’re busy cycling through these stories in your mind? You probably feel tense and contracted, inflexible rather than spacious, and disconnected from the reality of the present moment.
And while your attention is absorbed in the stories, you’re overlooking a tender part of your experience…the emotions you’re feeling.
If you stay involved in the story, you will continue to feel stuck. How to begin to restore connection to your present moment experience? Breathe.
It might look like this: STORY…take a deep breath…STORY…take a deep breath… Again and again.
As your attention falls away from your mind and into your body, you’ll notice parts of your experience that were previously hidden.
Being a Loving Witness to your Feelings
Without the story, what’s happening in your body? If your feelings are strong, you might feel on fire with anger and hurt.
Make the space to notice how you feel inside…the agitation in your chest, the burning behind your eyes, whatever it is. Be the vast welcoming presence for all of this emotional energy that wants the space to move.
Then go deeper. Explore to see what emotions lie underneath the anger and pain, and lovingly welcome them.
Expanded Exploration
When it feels right, consider this journaling practice to support your clarity. Choose some of these sentences to complete with the challenging person and situation in mind. Your answers don’t need to make sense…just let your thoughts flow and your heart speak. Take your time with this exploration.
- I’m sorry that___________________________________
- I’m sorry for____________________________________
- I realize I_______________________________________
- I realize you____________________________________
- What I can learn is_____________________________
- Thank you for__________________________________
As you finish, tune into your present moment experience. What is arising for you?
Wise Perspective
When you take on this journey back to your essential wholeness, you give up waiting for the other person to make things right. As you move beyond the personal story in your mind, there’s space to soften into your present moment experience.
It feels like coming home to the living reality that’s here right now.
With a quieter mind, what do you notice? Maybe you become aware of compassion for the suffering of all involved. Or you realize that feeling wronged is an aspect of our collective human experience throughout time.
Maybe you relax into gratitude for all that’s given, or you simply, finally, enjoy feeling peaceful.
This is what happens when we consciously make our way through the hard places. Our personal hurt becomes a gateway into the loving embrace of all of life.
Julie says
Thanks for this Gail!!
I remind myself of things I’ve read that encourage being present. I think that there are worse problems and I should try to keep perspective. It doesn’t always work. Some triggers can’t be stopped and then I have a good cry.
I’ve tried the conscious rant. On paper, verbally to a friend… all but sharing directly with the people that I feel wronged me. I don’t think that serves peace. I’d rather deal with the trigger moments than possibly reveal something that would cause them to feel guilt.
Gail Brenner says
Very thoughtful, Julie. Thanks for sharing what helps you.
em says
I’ve had to remove myself from friendships with people I’ve felt zinged by. That has brought me the greatest sense of freedom. Zing being a broad term, but includes a feeling of betrayal from many actions. I have chosen to protect myself from bullying. I have a few close people I trust and don’t feel obligated to answer to those I don’t. When my thoughts get riled up about the “zings”, I remind myself that what that other person has done or said is none of my business any more. I apply basics of CBT, and I reflect on the truth that none of us are perfect, and am grateful for the head’s up that the “zinger ” may bring. But most importantly make choices to be kind to myself as I bumble through this life.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate this, em. Sometimes we need to care about others from afar, and that is most appropriate. And sometimes we outgrow relationships, as you have experienced. When we make the courageous choice to move on, there is a great sense of freedom, as we’re living our truth.
Sandy Jones says
Thank you so much for this article. It is so easy to repeatedly get caught up in the “story”. You have helped me immensely with your insight.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad, Sandy! Love to you…
M says
I’ve been in the “I’ve been wronged shoes” a few times, which can leave one feeling like there must be something wrong with oneself. However, I reflected on the “friendship” in general and realized I felt used and it was an unequal and unhealthy friendship. So I decided to e-mail this person (as she had e-mailed me) and I was honest about how I felt and that I didn’t feel she could provide the kind of friendship I was looking for. I was clear about how she had mistreated me and what the last straw was. I expected her to apologize. No apology came.
Another person who I thought was becoming a good friend started avoiding me and I e-mailed her to say if I had offended her in some way that I was sorry and that I hoped we could get together again soon. I would have welcomed word back from her telling me what I had done wrong, but nothing came.
I think as we get older, we value our time more and so we are more selective about our friends. I also expect people to treat me how I treat them, at least in terms of being honest and respectful. Those are key to me. I think if someone truly values you, and you have treated them with respect and honesty, you should be able to tell them how you feel and then let things take whatever course they may. You have to love yourself and I can’t fully love myself if I let others treat me poorly and not tell them how I feel. I also have to be prepared for whatever reaction they choose. It may bring the relationship to an end and you have to be OK with that.
It is a really tough question. Christians are taught to turn the other cheek when someone offends you. I recently pondered how many times we must do that and whether it is in the best interests of the person who has offended us. I’d be interested in other’s opinions on this tough topic.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate the depth of your reflection on this topic, M. In terms of whether to stay or go, we need to keep checking in to see what feels right and trying our best to keep our hearts open to all involved, including ourselves. We can turn the other cheek, but that doesn’t mean we stay in a relationship that doesn’t support us.
Becs says
Thank you Gail, I found this very useful. I have had a struggle with someone in my life that I felt wronged me. The struggle has been there for years as I did not address it at the time and did not want it to be a problem but underneath the resentment has grown and grown and can come out in anger and defensiveness towards this person. I think if I had known at the time, to just feel the feelings of anger and hurt it would have disapated a lot quicker. I don’t want to be angry and I think I am not but it keeps cropping up time and time again. I have found the exercise very useful.
Thanks for your work and words
Gail Brenner says
These things tend to take time, Becs, and the kind of attention you are now giving your feelings I’m sure will be helpful. In the situation in my life that inspired this post, I can see that I was stuck in hoping things would be different. Now, I’ve been taking the blinders off and have been seeing that this person just did what they did. And given that, I’m questioning whether the relationship can be repaired.
Maybe start looking at your situation from all angles – what was going on with the other person that made them do what they did and your feelings. Keep going back to the truth of things. That is what is helping me now.
Mark Weitz says
I agree that being mindful of the story we have and letting go is important. Being aware of and allowing expression of whatever emotions/feelings we have is equally important.
Some thoughts (for me and I’m guessing many of us) are stickier and go deeper than others, or elicit a depth of feeling that sometimes surprises me.
I was wronged in some pretty hurtful ways and when I looked deeply I found that my basic egoic “needs” for safety and connection were threatened. Knowing that these powerful feelings were at play made me aware that I got hooked by deep feelings of disappointment and sadness at being wronged/hurt by people, especially close friends/family.
I needed to grieve a certain type of loss, the loss of the story of permanent dependability (on others and circumstances). I had to consciously feel and come to terms with feelings of losing connection/alienation and a fear that comes up for me around impermanence. We often unconsciously assume that our closest friends and family will be there for us, that they won’t change or act in ways that seen “out of character” let alone directly hurt us. We come to expect at a deep level certain people will always be there for us but this is a type of attachment and grasping that is very painful when that story, the story of people always being the same, being what we want/demand from them, breaks down.
And if we’re honest with ourselves these experiences can lead us to look with compassion at ourselves and others. I know I’ve hurt others in some way, by not being what they wanted or thought they needed from me, by being too distracted or busy with my life to give them the attention they were seeking. In subtle or gross ways, have we all not been wronged or wronged another?
I greatly enjoy and appreciate your open-hearted, mindful and spacious way of meeting these and other difficulties, the stuff of our real lives. Something else I’m doing to move through and learn from being wronged: after allowing the feelings and story line to surface I will, in calmer moments, bring to mind my deepest values, what I wish to intend to myself and others during our brief time on this beautiful planet, including the person who wronged me (I still need to see them regularly).
It’s messy and inconsistent but I try to remember to have compassion for myself and the “wrongdoer”, realize that, like me, this person is learning and growing, subject to change, and may have areas of unconsciously motivated behavior. Even if they’ve acted in ways that can end a relationship I try to find a way to allow both of us our humanity, which is limited, remind myself of where my center is and do my best to act from that place and not take on the behavior and circumstances of another’s actions.
This is longwinded and I’m working on this. It’s hard. And I’ve never met anyone, spiritual teacher/helper or otherwise, who is beyond being hurt and caught by these things. Thank you for sharing and allowing this opportunity to be ok with this and the many other ways we suffer. Your books and posts, along with so many other writers and teachers, have helped me understand that, while not a permanent reality for me, I can access a deep peace and equanimity with these situations.
Mark
Gail Brenner says
You’ve made so many great points here, Mark. I’ll comment on two.
First, a big “Yes” to identifying some core conditioning within ourselves that still has a hold on us. With my psychologist hat on, these are often early traumas or breeches of trust that sit in us unhealed throughout our lives. My experience of these areas personally and with people I work with is that they need our attention from time to time when they are triggered. And recognizing that the problem is not in the other is key. In regard to the situation that I wrote about in this article, I’ve been exploring this old conditioning – feeling the childlike feelings and having great compassion for them. It’s also helping to see that the other person was triggered in their conditioning.
And another “Yes” to allowing all of our humanity. When we’re willing to meet our human reactions that inevitably arise, then we’re fully alive. The reality of the moment may not look like the bliss we seek, but it is what is offered, and there’s great beauty in that. Spirituality is not about skipping over anything. It’s about all the energies that arise – the roar of anger, the tears of sorrow, and everything else. There’s something so exquisite – and so respectful – about the full meeting of whatever is here.
Frances says
Hi Gail,
Thank you for your words of advice in seeking freedom from the feeling of being wronged.
I was married 30 years when I discovered that my husband was in a secret relationship for the last 2.5 of those years. It was a long distance (emotional relationship).
His secret communications continued while we were trying to save our marriage. After six months of counselling, not feeling that I was enough for him, feeling he was no longer ‘present’, reading enough of their ‘secret’ communications to know that their feelings towards each other had intensified, I decided it was time to part. I have learnt to accept his choices and am trying to move on, but what is preventing me is how he has shared this with his family with whom I had been deeply involved with over the 30 years. From living with his Dad while he recovered from surgery, nursing his mother and being with her when she died, with helping his sister with a broken marriage and finding new accommodation for her. I do not know what my ex told them, but no-one from his family has asked that question ‘why’, one sister still communicates, but it feels superficial because it’s obvious ‘that’ subject is not to be discussed. Communication with his Dad has been very strained and this year is the first year that his Dad does not acknowledge my birthday or Christmas – he is normally very good at remembering. It is probably because I have recently refused any communication with my ex because of his lack of transparency with his family. What saddens me most is that if they knew what had happened they may have reacted very differently and by not knowing they are being betrayed as well. It could have been so different. I know my ex-husband is not a bad person, but that he probably took this approach for fear of losing respect from his family. He hated disappointing people and appearing weak. I know he felt great guilt and shame for how our marriage ended.
My dilemma now (and has been for three years) is whether to give his family another perspective or not. My intention is to enable them to make a choice based on the truth. If they chose not to have a relationship with me I can live with that… so long as I know that they know. What would be so tragic is for them to discover the truth years onwards and facing the realisation that we could have had such a different relationship with each other.
I do not expect an answer from you, as that would be unreasonable, but sharing it with you has been helpful. And thank you for your weekly posts… they’re amazing.
Gail Brenner says
I feel the bind you are in, Frances, and the challenges it brings you. I’m guessing that you’ve communicated your feelings and concerns to your ex in hopes that he would be transparent with his family for the sake of your relationships with them – and that didn’t change anything, unfortunately.
I don’t have a recommendation about what you might do, but I fully acknowledge the fire you’ve been given. It’s inviting the burning of attachments and the in-your-face reality of the impermanence of all relationships. You were with a man who is unwilling to grow very much. He’s willing to keep secrets at your expense, which he did with the affair and continues to do with his family. Although I’m sure the pain has been great, perhaps you are now more free live in what you know to be true.
My very best wishes to you…
Frances says
Hi Gail, and my heartfelt thanks for your time in hearing me. You’re a very perceptive lady and you are so right in that I am indeed living in what I know to be true. It is such a good place, uncomplicated, liberating and nice to feel ‘in control’ again.
I thought I’d let you know that I have decided to share my experience with his family. I’ve written a letter and plan to send it within the next day or two. I’m taking my time to make sure it is written with love, without blame and as it is. I am expecting a gamut of responses ranging from no response to denial (which is how I responded in the first instance), to anger, resentment and more. I don’t expect a positive outcome in the initial stages, and perhaps it may take years, or maybe never. But at least the truth is there for the taking.
Yes, learning the impermanence of all relationships is a very harsh reality. The next step is learning to trust and to give again. Hmm, one step at a time 🙂
I thank you sincerely again.
Frances
Gail Brenner says
I love that you are writing this letter from love so carefully, Frances. If you feel the burn of being attached to the response that you get or don’t get, always know this love is here for your return.
Randi says
Dear Gail.
Thanks a lot for this post. It gave me the opening that I have struggled for the last week. It’s much easier to work with difficult (to feel) emotions when the vulnerability in them opens up. Again and again I experience that when I feel I’ve been wronged much of the feelings relates to expectations. I know you have written a lot about expectations in relationships. In a romantic relationship there’s a lot of underlying expectations that it is so hard to be aware of. All the christmas days I have been so disappointed because my boyfriend for the last 1,5 years wanted to be with his old parents (in another town) and not with me and my children. It felt somehow like a deep betrayal and I didn’t manage in this busy days to open or accept his choice. There’s no doubt that busyness/stress makes it harder to do the work you describe, even it it so important. Often I find it really hard to know what is my taken for granted-expectations and what is differences between me and my boyfriend that we won’t be able to find a shared ground for. He’s not always sensitive with what he says, probable because his intentions are good, and then I get hurt. The days are busy and then I am so easily triggered. Thanks again for this post and description for handling the feeling that I can return to.
Gail Brenner says
In my experience, Randi, there is no easy answer to the question about expectations not being met versus not finding shared ground. What we can do is keep meeting our own feelings, welcoming what we experience with love and acceptance. Then, in time, the clarity comes.
Maybe you can reflect on what led to him making the choice to be with his parents and not you. Maybe you’ll have understanding and even compassion for his choice.
I appreciate that you are so open to contemplating these challenging questions – even though you are so busy!
Love to you…
Paul says
Your blog is lovely, Ms Brenner. I found it by searching freedom from attachment, which is something I’ve been working on the past few months and I found a post of yours from 2010. I’m glad you’re still writing.
It’s relevant tonight because I’ve just left my adult son in the hospital, and I’m not sure what his future holds. He was hit by a speeding driver who didn’t even stop. He’s strong, and he will recover, but how fully is a question that won’t be answered for some time. Being able to embrace what comes will surely help me help him, so I do appreciate your thoughts on letting go of attachments and opening myself to what is.
Now about feeling that I’ve been wronged, well I think I’ll embrace my full humanity a bit longer. I think I’ll cling to my story for a while too. When I sleep tonight, if I do, I hope I dream of vengeance.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so sorry to hear about your son, Paul. Wishing you and him all the strength and love that’s needed to cope and recover.
All reactions are understandable and welcomed, even the desire to cling to the story. May you know the freedom you’re looking for…
Thehseen says
I have been a silent witness to ur blog for several years and my life has been immensely enriched by your wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing your valuable insights. I have a person in my life who has very ineffective patterns that has caused me a lot of pain over the years. This is someone I cannot walk away from and I have to be with her everyday. I stay as aware as possible and feel the physical sensations. I witness the story, learn the lesson, and let go of it. Enough experience to know that stories make it worse. I then remind myself how much I want to have a drama-free peaceful life. I remind myself of the larger picture of the state of humanity, the fact of us all suffering only because of our ignorance. This person’s actions r all unconscious and her life reflects her current level of development. I remind myself how fortunate I am to be aware and that freedom is in letting go. I remind myself that if I harbor resentment I wil b binding myself negatively with this person. If I want to be truly free, I have to let go of it all. Do I want to keep all that poison? Or do I want to be totally peaceful? Whatever I do, I hav to bear the consequences, not her. The fact that there is no other choice gives me that extra push to truly let go…
Gail Brenner says
You are choosing the fire, Thehseen! And it sounds like you are navigating it beautifully. Truth is not always rainbows and butterflies. It’s real and fierce. Not expecting or hoping for her to be any different than she is and not wanting to walk away leaves you two options: suffering or freedom. I hear your choice loud and clear.
With love and support…