“Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it.”
~Rabindranath Tagore
Fear. We might as well get used to it, even learn to love it. Fear is a natural part of being human, a normal emotion. The more we know about fear the better, because knowledge is king. When we turn to face it, to become familiar with it and stop running away, fear loses its power over us. Do you want to control yourself, or do you want to be a victim to fear? It’s as simple as that.
In the comments to a recent post, Wisdom Conquers Fear, reader Marie (thanks, Marie!) posed a provocative question. She writes,
“I wonder if you could say a few more words about when and how to actually listen to and heed the messages of a particular fear, how to work with the wisdom behind a fear and when instead it is best not to let a fear constrain you. When do I throw caution to the wind and go for it and trust it will work out vs. modulating my action based on the concerns of a fear?”
What I love about this question is that it suggests there is something to be learned from fear. And there is. But let’s start at the beginning.
A Brief Primer on Fear
The capacity to feel afraid is built into our DNA. We are wired for survival, and when that survival is threatened, the brain goes on alert and the nervous system is aroused. This is known as the fight or flight reaction. We humans add an interpretation to this physiological response and the context it arises in, labeling it as fear. So this is what fear is: physical symptoms and a label formulated in the mind.
Feeling threatened and going into fight or flight makes perfect sense if you are a gazelle being chased by a cheetah. But what if you are afraid of being left by your lover or missing a deadline? You might react by trying to think your way out of the situation, but the fundamental physiological reaction and tendency toward fight or flight is no different than that of the gazelle’s.
Beyond Survival
Yet we all know we are greater than our animalistic nature. We are blessed with the capability to dream, to long for a fulfilling life and to be fulfilled. We can have access to an inner knowing. We are creative and intelligent. We savor awe, wonder, and delight.
These experiences are beyond survival. They are in the realm of expansiveness and actualization. Whereas survival is limited to the physical body, these transcendent experiences are limitless and eternal. We might call them spiritual.
Fear is Your Friend
So here is the conundrum. We are in a physical body that feels fear, yet we want so much more than the fear affords us. We are afraid of not surviving, yet we yearn to thrive beyond measure.
If we ignore the yearning and give in to fear, we end up in despair and disillusionment, thinking there must be more to life. We are right – there is! And if we ignore fear, it still controls us.
If fear is present but we want to express our full potential, there is only one solution: to know fear. Only then can we choose our heart’s desire rather than survival, boundlessness rather than contraction.
Not that there is anything wrong with survival, which is why fear has some valuable things to teach us. Once we see that fear is no longer the mysterious monster we think it is [see How (and Why) to Make Fear Your Friend], the gifts it offers us come to light.
Fear Counteracts Impulsivity
As we have now established, the motive of fear is survival. In its pure form (think terror), fear is paralyzing. It prohibits us from moving forward by impelling the mind to project every possible negative outcome, even though we can’t know what is going to happen until it happens.
Once we relax in the face of fear, we have the option of seeing its value. When we feel afraid, we can press pause and take a breath. Then we realize that fear reminds us to stop, to exercise caution, to look before we leap, to consider alternatives.
Sometimes jumping in is the right thing to do, but by harnessing the power of fear, you can do so with the thoughtfulness and wisdom of a sage.
Is It Fear or Excitement?
What we call fear is a certain physiological reaction – racing heart, bodily tension, sweating, upset stomach – along with a mental and situational interpretation of fear. Experiment with taking away the label of fear. There is a physical response of arousal, but is it fear? You might be surprised. Maybe it is excitement, enthusiasm, or passion.
Look prior to your thoughts that automatically label the emotion of fear. You might discover an overlooked gem that is here to support you.
Fear Inspires Love
If we trace fear back to its source, we will undoubtedly discover a place inside ourselves that feels unloved. Many fears run unconsciously because, at some time during childhood, we didn’t get the love and tenderness we needed when we were afraid or hurting.
The medicine for emotional pain is love. Bring your awareness into your own heart and find the infinite capacity for love. Then let it wash over that young fearful one who lives inside you. Feel it like an endless cascade, over and over.
So many benefits here. You give love, you receive love, you heal. And once the fear is no longer separate from the glorious whole of you, you can mindfully choose the best course of action.
Even though fear is a normal part of the human experience, it doesn’t have to limit or confuse you. Stop, pause, take a breath. Know the physical and mental aspects of fear. Let it slow you down, but not constrain you. See the quality of the energy it brings you. Love it. You have created the space for your luminous self to radiate.
How have you worked with fear? If you’re still afraid of fear, let’s talk. I’d love to hear…
rob white says
Well said, Gail. Once we have risen above the complications of ‘making a living’ or surviving fear takes on a very different role. Being a human means we desire to expand and feel fully alive. Feeling fully alive requires participating fully in life with no holding back. A healthy relationship and understanding of fear allow us to soar and thrive instead of coping, hoping and barely surviving.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Rob,
You mentioned “a healthy relationship with fear.” Yes. It doesn’t work to vanquish fear or push through it. But knowing it and working with it, rather than against it is key.
Your comment puts the icing on the cake, Rob. Thanks so much.
Lance says
Gail,
I’ve been working with a life coach the past several months. In late August and so far into September – we have been tackling the idea of vulnerability – and then beyond that – fear management.
So, reading this today – it just all fits so well with where I’m at. And the idea of vulnerability did take me back to my childhood – and then from that – fears that today can sometimes hold me back. And as we started to walk through those fears – by naming them – I’m starting to take those next steps – to move beyond the fear (and to see it all more clearly for what it is).
Anyway, this is just so good to read along with where I’m at today on this fear continuum…
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Life- Do It Now =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lance,
I love to hear how diligent you are about doing this work. It makes my heart sing! One by one, you take a look at the fears and see them clearly for what they are. This is such an important step to be able to move beyond them. When we know what we are dealing with, it’s not nearly as bad as we might imagine in our minds. Less fear means more freedom, as you are probably experiencing.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here.
Lauren says
Dear Gail,
As you probably have seen, “no fear” was a wildly popular phrase in our culture. My response to that was “know fear”. This is what you propose and it’s wise advice.
Knowing something implies a mindfulness. It seems when we become mindful any emotion has less power over us. Invite the emotion to dine with us at the table so to speak.
I try to remember to do this as soon as possible when I’m triggered by something. Fear is a biggie because it can feel consuming (probably due to the intense fight-flight mechanism that gets triggered).
Lately I’ve been using EFT (tapping) to deal with any fears that arise. I like it because it bypasses the intellect.
Also, I’m loving drumming on djembe, dancing Gabrielle Roth’s 5 Rhythms, and hula hooping! I find these things bring me more to center and into “soul”.
Healing seems to occur on a level that bypasses the mind.
Thank you for addressing something that is close to our beingness – fear can be incapacitating if we don’t learn how to face it. I love your approach to fear.
Warm regards,
Lauren
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Join The Circle of Fun Acts of Kindness =-.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you, Lauren.
I love that – know fear! Yes, for the healing to happen, truly, it needs to be outside the mind. These are some wonderful possibilities you mention – drumming, dancing, tapping. Getting out of our heads and into our bodies is so freeing and the perfect gateway to being.
I like speaking about fear because it’s such a big stimulus – something we all deal with.
Love to you, Lauren.
Marko -- Calm Growth says
Very interesting… For consciousness with enough control, it can be transformed into a spiritual exercise – stop and use fear to examine your inner being and gain clarity whenever you are in a state of fear.
Gail Brenner says
Very clear summary of the post, Marko. That’s it exactly. Great to see you back here!
marilee says
Gail! I love the title of this article, and the possibility of turning it around – which I did yesterday after working with the audio. Powerful. It was great to hear your voice on the audio – again, wow. Things are moving…….
all love, Marilee
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful to hear, Marilee. The audio can be a helpful reminder. When the stuckness gets moving, it’s an auspicious time.
Love to you…
Clearly Composed says
Hi Gail!
What a great post. It helps so much to examine fear for what it really is and not think of it as some all encompassing monster that is out to get us. Why, sometimes fear is just a sign that you are on the right path, challenging yourself in new ways and making room for the new. Using fear as energy transforms it from a negative to a tool of sorts. I picture my inner brave girl dealing with my fearful feelings. She’s got spunk!! *lol*
.-= Clearly Composed´s last blog .. Welcoming Autumn =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Emma,
Welcome back! Hope you had a wonderful vacation.
I love that picture of your inner brave girl dealing with fear! I’m sure she’s spunky – and helpful! Yes, fear can be a sign we are on the right path. It means we are facing something new, as you say. Then fear becomes an ally.
Tess The Bold Life says
I’ve decided to do more professional speaking after a year hiatus. As I’m preparing for the first full day event we’ve sold our home and now spend time looking for another, packing and all that goes along with that. Yesterday I was afraid I wouldn’t get everything finished in time.
Today I know it’s all in Divine Order and all is well. Fear did help me make a schedule so I can follow it and be prepared for all.
.-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Naikan Therapy-Self Reflection for a New World =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tess,
Great to see you over here.
I can feel that the tension was mounting as your day went on. I’m glad to hear how you found the usefulness in fear instead of letting it overpower you.
Wishing you much success with your speaking engagements.
Marie Miller says
Hi Gail,
Wow, what a surprise to see my question in one of your blog entries.
Thanks for giving such a complete answer to my question.
Thank you generally for your blog.
I benefit immensely.
Marie
Gail Brenner says
So glad to hear from you, Marie, and thanks again for your question. It got me thinking, so here is the result!
Steve Borgman says
Powerful comments here. I love the fact that we can acknowledge and support the protective side of fear, while also ‘letting love’ wash over the fear. There is a Scripture that states, “perfect love casts out fear”.
.-= Steve Borgman´s last blog ..Eat With Your Competition For Lunch! =-.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Steve!
I know, the people who comment here are amazing – so willing to share their experiences in such a heartfelt way. Although we may not like the way fear feels, hating and excluding it doesn’t work. Fear happens, so it’s important to learn to work with it rather than fighting against it. There is great peace in welcoming everything.
“Perfect love casts out fear.” Perfect quote that captures the essence of the post. Thanks so much.
Christopher Foster says
Hi Gail. I’m so glad you are taking the lid off fear and letting a bit of sunshine and fresh air blow through.
There’s been a lot of fear in my life. But I find more and more the sense that while it sometimes seems as if fear is an enemy out there somewhere, sent to cow us and congeal us, this isn’t really true.
There’s just Love. Eternal Love. And if I am willing to face fear as you suggest it turns out — a miracle — that fear is another face of love, the friend of which you speak.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Chris,
We are so busy trying to avoid fear that it’s radical to consider turning and getting to know it. And when we do, there are treasures to be discovered, as you so beautifully describe.
Ross says
Gail,
Interesting and timely post. I have been spending a lot of time recently struggling with how to move past the fear and not let it stop me without much success.
Sometimes journaling about it helps to a degree, but it never seems to go away for very long. It is a very annoying house guest that won’t leave.
I am trying to not resist the fear and instead lean into it, but the fear feels so powerful.
Living small and trying to be safe, hasn’t worked. I feel the fear anyway and can’t keep it away…Feeling very stuck.
.-= Ross´s last blog ..9-11 =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Ross,
Thank you for describing your situation so clearly. A lot of us have been exactly where you are. I lived in fear for many years, keeping myself small, and didn’t even realize what I was doing.
It might sound paradoxical, but the goal of learning to deal with fear is not to eliminate it. It is so common to think: well, I’ve used these tools or I’ve analyzed the situation, and the fear still isn’t gone. The goal is to deal with the fear as it is whenever it shows up and for however long it stays around. The mark of success is not that the fear is gone and you no longer feel it. The success comes in knowing how the fear plays out in you, seeing it with your awareness, and making a different choice. The fear may or may not go away, but either way, you are conscious enough about what is going on that you aren’t ruled by the fear.
There is a saying: what we resist persists. If you are trying to get rid of fear, you are resisting it. In the resisting of it, you are giving it energy which makes it hang around. Not resisting it means accepting it whenever and however it shows up. Meeting it, getting to know it, then choosing differently.
I know I am repeating myself. I am doing so because our minds can be resistant to this point (pun intended :). The goal is not to get rid of any feeling. In the accepting of it is the freedom to not behave according to it. So the goal is full awareness of it.
I hear you say that you lean into it, but the fear feels so powerful. I don’t know anyone who has ever died from feeling their fear. I know it’s hard, and maybe there is a tremendous amount of fear. It’s OK. And, you need to experience the fear in your own time – not because someone tells you to. So when you are ready, in your own time, bring your attention right into it and see what you see. It is probably not nearly as difficult as you imagine it will be.
Lastly, Ross, maybe support from a guide would be helpful. I am one of the first ones to ask for help with these matters when I need it. Maybe that is something to consider as well.
I appreciate your willingness to share here. You are welcome as you are – resistance, smallness – all of it.
Sending love to you….
marilee says
Bravo, Gail! Thank you so much for your clarity. This info is providing a huge chunk to my understanding. Very empowering, and liberating. Love, Marilee
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad, Marilee. It is such a joy for me to share like this and respond to questions and comments.
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: I think this is a very helpful post because fear is definitely something that can hold us back if we don’t find a way to manage through it. I think the key is to acknowledge it once you feel it surfacing and then find a way to accept it for what it is so that you can positively overcome the fear. I know those times when I have experienced fear in the past I allowed myself to either deny or resent its presence, but once I accepted it for what it was, I was able to focus my attention on managing through it instead of resenting it or denying it. For me, it was about accepting it and then transforming it. Thanks for the great information on fear and the interesting post.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..7 Tips To Help You Get Along Well With Anyone =-.
Gail Brenner says
Very clear, Sibyl. Accepting, acknowledging, focusing your attention on managing fear. These have been helpful to you in transforming fear, whereas resenting and denying it didn’t help. Just this is a brief guide for how to move through fear. I’m happy for what you have realized and for the gifts that come to you by accepting fear, then moving past it.
Love to you, Sibyl…
Preeti @ Heart and M says
Gail,
Fear can stop us from achieving the best we are, and overcoming fear is the best way to deal with fear, I wrote about while ago on my blog.
Fear inspires love? that is new to me! It has not happened to me. I guess that would be scary love huh? 🙂
.-= Preeti @ Heart and M´s last blog ..Why learning from history is cool – Part II =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Preeti! So glad you stopped by. You bring up a very interesting point that I want to clarify.
Even if we try really hard to overcome fear, sometimes it stays around and, if we buy into it, it keeps holding us back from achieving our best. So if that is the case, fear arising in us can be an opportunity to open our hearts even wider to those hidden and disenfranchised parts of ourselves.
In my experience, when I move my attention right into the core of fear, I find that there is a part of me that I haven’t been paying attention to and has been missing out on the love it needs. When I first started realizing how much fear was present in me, I had no idea it had been there all along, limiting me in many ways. Now, when I feel it, I consciously send love into it. This might sound mechanical or fluffy, but my experience of it is profound. Every time, the fear begins to dissolve and I can move forward without being controlled by it.
I find that love inspired by fear is not scary at all. As the fear dissolves, all that’s left is love.
Sending love to you…