“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”
~Maya Angelou
I was in a yoga class the other day, and I wasn’t happy. I simply didn’t agree with how the instructor was leading the class. My body seized up, my mind felt dense and pressured, and the dark cloud of needing to be right descended.
Then I woke up. The clouds parted, and the light flooded in. “Oh,” I said to myself. “What is actually here?” I felt the tension in my body and welcomed the strain behind my thoughts. Everything relaxed as the whole problem dissipated. I had returned home.
What happened to me in those moments is a microcosm of what is possible for all of us always. We don’t need to wait for situations to change or for others to realize the error of their ways. In fact, if we do so, we are barking up the wrong tree, placing our happiness in the hands of things we cannot control.
Do you really want to wait for the circumstances of your life to change, while you are missing out on the glorious now?
Meet Yourself as You Are
So many of us go through our lives with painful emotions nipping at our heels. We are chased by discomfort, so we run full speed ahead into busyness, addictions, and passivity. When we try to avoid what is true, we are far from peaceful and happy. And we’re certainly not free.
But here’s what it takes to change everything: a U-turn of your attention. Put the brakes on the momentum of these patterns, turn around, and meet yourself as you are. It is a meeting you won’t regret.
Most of us live in stories that roil around in our minds. We endlessly tell ourselves what we shouldn’t have done and what ought to happen. We criticize, judge, resist, label, sort through, and imagine in a non-stop running commentary. We keep the past alive by thinking about it and needlessly worry about the future.
Then we wonder why we’re not at peace.
But there is a solution, a way out which is actually the way in. In any moment, we move attention away from the workings of the mind and inward to befriend our own direct experience.
This is the end of avoidance. We stop resisting and we turn to welcome the truth of ourselves.
What is Direct Experience?
You discover your direct experience by turning your attention away from the objects of the world. Simply notice what is happening in your inner landscape in any given moment. Break down what you are experiencing into it’s most basic elements, and here is what you will find:
- Thoughts, which are sounds in the mind
- Sense perceptions – hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling
- Physical sensations – what you feel in your body
That’s it. There’s nothing more. And please don’t take my word for it. Do the experiment. Shine the searchlight of your awareness into yourself and see what you discover.
How to Befriend Yourself
You cannot be more loving toward yourself than to let yourself be as you are. Conflict ends, struggle is put to rest. The how-to is very simple. When you befriend your direct experience, first notice it, then allow yourself to feel it as it actually is.
Say you look inside and you notice fear. Ask yourself, “What is this fear?” You will become aware of thoughts about fear and physical sensations. Draw your attention away from the thoughts, and go right into the sensations in your body.
Whatever you notice – tension, contractions, burning – feel it completely. Give the sensations space to be without turning away. Take the time for them to be felt completely. Then keep exploring to the next layer, and the next, to see what you discover.
These are the inner experiences that have been driving you – and waiting for your loving attention. Because it’s love that heals our inner turmoil.
Why not try it right now? Simply be at ease with whatever arises in your direct experience. Welcome it. Allow it to be all the way through.
Q & A
But what now? The problem is still here.
Is it the problem that is still here or your thoughts about it? Drop away from the story, go inside, and receive your direct experience. If a decision needs to be made, shift your attention away from trying to figure it out. Listen, and let the answer come to you.
This is hard to do. I’ve been in this habit for so long.
Embracing your direct experience may be difficult in the beginning because you don’t know what you will find. There is an old teaching story about a man walking down a path who freaks out when he thinks he sees a snake. When he gets closer, he realizes that what he thought was a snake was actually a rope and his fear was unwarranted. Maybe your snakes are just ropes, but you will never know unless you turn and take a look.
Hint: Your fear of welcoming your feelings is probably much worse than the experience of actually welcoming them.
I’ve done what you are suggesting, but things are still the same.
As counterintuitive as this may be, the goal of befriending your experience is not to feel better. The goal, which is not a goal at all, is to find peace in the moment. Any tendencies or habits that play out through you have a momentum that may last for a very long time. So the goal is not to get rid of anything.
The “goal” is simply to be with yourself as you are. To receive whatever is happening without resistance and to be at ease with what is. To know what is actually true about reality, over and over in every moment.
Simply be as you are, and all is well.
Have you befriended your experience? Any questions or reports? I’d love to hear…
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: What a great post and message that we should be the observer of our feelings and emotions and not just allow them to suck us in unknowingly. I really liked what you said about the U-turn of your attention. I thought that was really powerful advice and it acknowledges the fact that it is okay if things bother us and we accidentally slip away to focusing on the wrong things. What matters is that we turn our attention to where it should be and realize what has happened so we can correct it. Thank you for that message this morning. Great post.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..10 Quotes that Show You How To Live Your Best Life =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sibyl,
I love how you get right to the meat of the post. We always have the option of shifting our attention. We can be lost, and that’s OK, but when we wake up, we are home again. Although we may feel stuck, there is always a way out.
K says
Gail, I’ve been on a mission to eradicate fear in my life, and though our cultural philosophies differ, I’m enjoying your insights. What I’m reading here today is that fear is undermined by forgiveness. -Forgiving self, surroundings, life. Forgiveness is a critical component of peace, and when you can do nothing to change “it,” (sometimes even when you can) let it go. It is what it is. Live.
Eat out of the tree of LIFE & stay out of the other one – it’s poison.
-Beautiful. Thank you!
.-= K´s last blog ..Perfect Love Displaces Fear =-.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, K!
I love your take on this post – that forgiveness undermines fear. When we forgive we are steeped in love, and fear can’t keep itself alive in the face of love. “Forgiving self, surroundings, life.” A big Yes! to that.
Thanks so much for this beautiful comment.
Susie says
Gail, thank you for your post today, which reminds me that we must lean in gently to honor our sensations and feelings but not wallow in them. In the workplace, we often don’t allow ourselves this experience and can get pretty fragmented with our inner destructive stories and messages. Making friends with ourselves brings such a nice image.
Susie
Gail Brenner says
I love the way you put this, Susie: leaning in to gently honor our sensations. When we really look, we often find that we could be better friends toward ourselves. It’s an interesting investigation to notice those areas and receive them with kindness and caring.
Fr. Michael says
Gail,
I read this post just when I needed it! Had a peaceful day…but feeling a bit disturbed this evening because of a conversation I had. Now I know what I need to do: go pray…and welcome the experience.
I just posted on my blog about fear, but I think I needed to hear more about it!
Thanks!
.-= Fr. Michael´s last blog ..Overcoming Fear =-.
Gail Brenner says
Ah, just when we are peaceful, the other side of reality taps us on the shoulder. It’s life inviting us in a little deeper, asking us to not be attached to anything, even peace.
As we surrender into the flow of life, we receive things as they are in endless openness. Such a beautiful practice.
Wishing you a beautiful, peaceful evening…
Isabelle says
This beautiful post is very empowering.
When listening to our own thoughts instead of concentrating on the situation or the behaviour of someone else, we finally allow ourselves to take control.
I like the idea of exploring our physical sensations deeper and I am going to pay more attention to them.
Thanks for the practical suggestions.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Isabelle!
Yes, we bring our attention in to ourselves, including physical sensations – the only place where there is any chance of finding solutions.
Tom says
I’m finding the more I learn to accept situations, others recognize it and get even more troubled. They want me/others to be as unhappy/stressed/upset as they are. It makes for an interesting observation and another opportunity to roll with.
Gail Brenner says
Interesting, Tom. Interactions among people tend to get stable, so when one person changes, the whole system is upset. If people around us are used to us being unhappy and stressed, they will be motivated to keep us in the same place as them, resisting the change.
On this spiritual journey of awareness and realization, people often find that the right thing is to let go of certain relationships along the way that can’t withstand the transformation. And I love how you see your reaction to how people react toward you as another opportunity to receive and befriend yourself.
Rachna says
Gail : I have recently subscribed to your blog and have been reading your previous posts. All are like glowing gems of serenity in this chaotic and competitive day-to-day life.
We all need a boost and a reminder as how precious our lives are and how responsible we should be in the circle of life. The tools of introspection (that you have been providing in your powerful messages) are the ingredients of powerful thoughts and meaningful actions towards that goal.
.-= Rachna´s last blog ..Lion of the North =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Rachna. So glad to have you on board. And I’m so grateful for your kind words. Life is precious. Until we live in that reality, we can’t hear it often enough.
I love how we support each other. Love to you…
MrLovingKindness says
“Turning your attention away from the objects of the world” – Thoughts, sense perceptions, and physical sensations *are* the objects of the world. The inner landscape *is* the outer landscape.
“This is hard to do. I’ve been in this habit for so long.” – Habits are a form of karma (maybe even all of it). They have momentum. Mindfulness as you describe is definitely the way to break habits, but a mind blowing around like a leaf in the wind isn’t likely to maintain mindfulness in the face of strong habits. Concentration practices (there are many) stabilize and strengthen the mind making it easier to be mindful.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Mr. LK,
Thanks so much for mentioning meditation and stabilizing of the mind. Sitting in silence and simply allowing things to be lays a strong foundation for when things get tough.
Christopher Foster says
Thanks for sharing the poignant moment in the yoga class Gail. What an extraordinary opportunity is with us always: the opportunity to stop and be still for a moment and realize in that moment of stillness “Oh my goodness. Everything is really okay after all.”
.-= Christopher Foster´s last blog ..Innocence — door to true meaning and happiness =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Chris,
I love that we have that opportunity to stop and be still. We can, in any moment, move away from the whirlwinds of the mind and feelings. Peace…always here.
Teresa says
I just discovered your blog and just read this post. It is what I needed to hear and yet it makes me really anxious. I feel like I don’t know how to not be a victim. A quick example: I want to have children and without a long story it doesn’t look like I will have them. My close friends know how hard it is for me every time someone gets pregnant. It’s like I don’t want people to forget how painful it is for me. I know I need to find peace. Why do i feel like I need to hold on to it?
I am glad I found this site.
.-= Teresa´s last blog ..One of these days =-.
Gail Brenner says
Oh, Teresa. May you know yourself so much as love and bring yourself love with every pang of desire and disappointment. Circumstances happen the way they happen. You are not a victim. All that is here is events happening, without taking it personally.
And if you feel like a victim, let it be as it is. Be so incredibly kind with yourself.
May you know yourself as the divine presence that is beyond all desires. Sending you love…
Teresa says
Thank you Gail for your kind words.
.-= Teresa´s last blog ..One of these days =-.
Gail Brenner says
My pleasure, Teresa.
Galen Pearl says
How very true. So much of our pain comes from wanting things to be different. Wanting outer circumstances to be different, wanting inner feelings or thoughts to be different. (I’m reminded of the commercial for Southwest Airlines, where a person finds himself in an embarrassing situation and the voice over says “Want to get away?”)
Thich Nhat Hahn suggests craddling our experience like we would cradle a baby. Even anger, fear, discomfort. If we craddle our experience and love it like we could coo to a baby, we can tolerate it and even make friends with it.
Of course we look pretty silly holding the air and making baby talk to the emptiness. (Just kidding.)
.-= Galen Pearl´s last blog ..Resolution or Revolution =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Galen,
I love that image of cradling our experience like a baby, making baby talk to emptiness! It’s a big switch from pushing it away and alienating ourselves from it, which is what many of us do. We live in that “want to get away?”
When we cradle our experience, not only do we find that it’s not as bad as we thought, being with things as they arise is a gateway to the eternal now where there is only life flowing effortlessly.
Big Zen says
This is a really great post. It is so simple and yet I think the ability to be present in our experiences (‘good’ and ‘bad’) is probably the most important skill we can ever master.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Big Zen, and welcome to you…
The avoiding of our experiences creates so much chaos and suffering, endlessly. Yes, being present with our experiences changes everything.
Thank you so much for stopping by and contributing to the conversation.
Rand says
Yes…this post has “given me a divine presence that is beyond all desires”.
Thank you Gail…
Gail Brenner says
Yes, I’m glad it was helpful…
I wish you well…
Cliff says
I recently started reading your posts when it was attached to the zen habits I recieve. This is really profound. The clarity I feel reading the part about direct experience is amazing. To go to the depth of the human experience and define it words thought experiences what are they behind what words really are what we give them meaning to be…A primal feeling or emotion.You always hear people saying we have the power to be happy etc etc but this perspective of a base emotion being created from essentially thoughts or stories or sounds that we attach meaning to that we are playing in our heads is so easy to understand yet it never fully clicked with me. Wether we want to or not we are playing our own tune of happiness or sadness. Very nice thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Cliff!
Yes, we go to the experience before the words where true happiness lies, waiting. Happiness is not created – it is revealed when we look closely enough.
It’s beautiful to hear about your interest in knowing what is true, and I am happy for your clarity.
Thanks so much for visiting and sharing your experience.
Tess The Bold Life says
I think you’re an amazing therapist and your clients are blessed to have you. If we all did what you suggest in your posts everyone would not only heal themselves but we’d heal the world!
.-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..A Gift In Goodbye- A Legacy of Love =-.
Gail Brenner says
It’s mutual admiration, Tess. I think the world of you and so appreciate how you offer so generously to others.
marilee says
Your words are a breath of fresh air and I drink them in with joy. Yesterday spent some time in inner turmoil after being with an old friend talking about difficult past events – somehow I didn’t measure up and the feelings/thoughts lingered this morning. So thank you for: You cannot be more loving toward yourself than to let yourself be as you are. Gail, you rock, again! Love, Marilee
Gail Brenner says
I’m drinking in your words, Marilee. Big hug to you….
will says
When i was reading your article my body shifted and my neck made a clanking sound and what I realized from it is that I sometimes, a lot of times, say “don’t” to myself, and then I still do it, and I get hurt. I think this is addiction, or habit, self-destructiveness. It suddenly all made sense, how I got to where I am today. How I don’t feel as successful as I feel I should be. That fundamental lack of integrity.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Will. Thank you so much for stopping by.
What an insight to realize the you say “don’t,” then still do it. This is a revelation and potentially the beginning of the end of destructive patterns. There is a great integrity in honoring our experience, no matter what it is. Sometimes we don’t even know why the “yes” or “no” appears. I have found that trusting it puts everything in alignment. We give up thinking we know it all and allow the truth to be heard through us.
Sounds like you have a marvelous journey ahead of you…