The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of.
~Charles H. Perkhurst
Love has so many faces and forms. If we are truly willing to look, we see it everywhere, as it is the undeniable essence that shines through everything. When we drop our beliefs, concepts, and expectations, when we make the space to see clearly, separation falls away, and love meets itself infinitely.
The Myth That Love is Limited
But some of us live in the illusion that love is limited. We barely let ourselves feel it, and we dole it out like it’s our last few crumbs of bread. We live in poverty of love ā believing we need to get in order to give. We stash it away, bringing it out on special occasions only.
We are afraid of not having enough, so we keep score, making sure the balance sheet is even. We offer love gingerly, like a miser hiding his precious coins.
Recently, a friend was speaking about his wife. āI care even if I don’t show it,ā he said. In my book, this doesn’t fly. Why keep love secret? Why keep the other guessing, wondering, āDoes he?ā or assuming he doesn’t. What’s the problem with shouting it from the mountaintops?
And how many of us ration love when it comes to ourselves? We move through life running an inner dialogue of self-criticism and defeat. We deny ourselves the joy and delight that is rightfully ours. We fail to see the beauty all around us.
Ways We Protect Ourselves
Love is our natural state. In the truth of non-separation, it reflects itself everywhere. But many of us learn to protect ourselves. Is this you? We wall ourselves off when:
- We feel bruised and battered from life, having forgotten love;
- We are afraid of letting ourselves be vulnerable;
- We fear loving without making sure it will be returned;
- We feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or exposed.
Somehow we convince ourselves that it is OK to hold a grudge or treat ourselves poorly. It feels normal to ration love.
Yet something inside feels off. We feel alienated, alone, isolated, unfulfilled. We are only half alive, and something seems to be missing. It’s the disease of our modern world, the illness of believing we are separate.
Recognizing Love in All Directions
Well, here is the medicine: don’t ration love.
- If you have built up walls within yourself, reflect on them with great compassion, and consider breaking them down.
- Realize the strength in vulnerability.
- Be kind to yourself.
- Be uncompromising in telling the truth. You won’t be able to deny love.
Love is the very essence of life. It is the gilded yarn interwoven into the fabric of existence. It is you.
Make the choice to not ration love, and see what happens. It already permeates every cell of your being. Drink it in and breathe it out. Your life will be transformed, I promise you.
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.
~Rumi
Do you ration love? Are you a recovered love rationer (like me)? I’d love to hear…
Deb Perkins says
Hi Gail,
I feel like I am openly giving lots of love in my life, except in one area: men. Maybe this is common with women who have a very accepting personality, but I seem to attract men who glop on to me emotionally, and then I feel obligated to keep their ego afloat. It’s conflicting inside because I try to be very clear about my non-interest in a “relationship”, but they think that they will be the exception…I must give them subliminal green lights somehow….and I am left with wanting to feel close to them, but not wanting to perpetuate some fantasy. So I keep them at arm’s length, which feels draining to me and stifling. How does one have a relationship with a man as a friend without having to tell them in every other sentence that you are not “interested” in them? And even if they know that, they still hang on for their own benefit….
I know I sound like a teenager, but I’m 54 years old, and this pattern has plagued me my whole life. I am seriously ready to address my tendency to attract this energy because I want love to flow freely from my being without engaging egos on both sides…. attachment, sense of lack, fear, etc. on the man’s side, and overwhelm, resentment, frustration, obligation, etc. on mine.
Thanks, Gail
Gail Brenner says
Never too late, Deb, and I am so happy to hear of your readiness to dive into this pattern.
I agree, there is a subliminal green light somewhere. Can you investigate to see where you might be in conflict about what you want? What belief systems are you operating under – you should be nice, you shouldn’t want to reject someone? When you say you want to feel close to them, what does this actually mean? What is this “want?” What does it do for you?
There are probably many more questions that could be asked. It starts with an insanely honest investigation of your moment-to-moment experience. Slow the whole thing down so you can reflect and see what is motivating you at every step.
I support you totally…sending love…
Deb Perkins says
Thank-you, Gail. I am officially in slow motion……I will be brave, present, curious, compassionate and insanely honest as I investigate my moment-to-moment experience with men. My green light will turn to a purple aware light.
Gail Brenner says
I love hearing your commitment, Deb. I look forward to hearing how it goes.
Susie Amundson says
Hi Gail.
Last week on a walk I was scanning for self-limiting beliefs and asked that common question of myself “who would I be without . . . ?” and in my case, scarcity.
Your words today rang true in the sense of how I sometimes operate from a scarcity framework. When I get fearful and contracted, the scarcity siren rings. At those times, generosity of heart, love, and compassion are certainly more difficult to access.
Thank you for reminding me, they are in the “fabric of my existence.” I really like that image and will take that image on my next walk.
Blessings.
Susie
Gail Brenner says
Hi Susie,
It’s actually a blessing to be able to see how we contract, especially around matters of the heart. I’m so glad the “fabric” image resonates with you.
Enjoy your walk…
farouk says
in such a world that is full of negativity this post is very important because we must all educate ourselves about true love.
thank you Gail and keep it up š
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Farouk, and the best way to educate ourselves is to look within. Love is right here, right now.
C says
This is an amazing article – it goes directly with my lifestyle choice (or actually the lifestyle that chose me) of Polyamory. I don’t have to limit love, but I do have to live openly and honest. I can love two people romantically, and still love my kids wholy, and my family and wonderful friends etc… My life is very blessed and overflowing with love, and i enjoyed reading this message in this article. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, C.
What’s important is to know ourselves as love and live from the heart. How that manifests is beyond our control, as you mention. I am soaking up your image of love overflowing.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing.
Sibyl says
Gail: Really interesting topic and question. I had never really thought about people rationing love, but it definitely seems like something we could unconsciously (or even consciously) end up doing. I loved all the advice you gave about being kind to yourself and knocking down any walls around you. That is so important. Great post.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sibyl,
If you never thought about rationing love, then you are probably one who doesn’t!
But I do think we all can benefit from taking a look and seeing if there are any walls we have inadvertently erected. I often find subtle places where I am contracted or holding back in some way. And I love finding these because then they can be released.
Thanks so much for stopping by and for taking the time to comment.
Laura says
Thank you so much, Gail. As I think about what you wrote, I question why I have a tendency to love people who ration love, who are too afraid to feel. I believe I am open emotionally, but seem to either attract or seek to love unavailable partners. Thank you for the insight to help me understand my own tendencies better!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Laura, and I appreciate your honesty and openness to explore in the areas where you feel stuck.
As you explore these tendencies, you are likely to find subtle belief systems, needs, or feelings of lack. These are the treasures that you are looking for. As you go deeper, into them, you see that they are not you and do not have to define who you are. Then you can step out into the unknown and make choices from a place of full awareness.
What an exciting journey you have ahead of you!
Arlene says
It can be difficult to be loving when you haven’t been loved enough.
I am reading Wild Love, by Gill Edwards, and although I don’t agree with everything, (because to accept everything she says just doesn’t sit right with me and it feels to me it is about being good, and I don’t want to be good, I want to be happy š ), she makes some good points about being open to love and giving it freely.
Your body will tell you if giving love is the right thing to do and it probably is in a lot of cases. I am learning to accept it more too. Right now, I am extremely happy giving and receiving love. It hasn’t always been the case. Better late than never.
Your posts always come to me in such a timely manner! I love how The Universe works like that. Thank you! x
Christopher Foster says
A lovely theme and a challenging one Gail.
Oh yes. Let me be very happy to let the world know how much I love it. And to be more particular and precise let me keep on reminding my wife JoAnn how much I love her and how caring and wonderful she is.
Which I do, quite regularly, and she doesn’t seem to have got tired of it yet.
Gail Brenner says
Do we ever tire of love, Chris? How beautiful that it springs forth from you so naturally. The transmission is so clear in all of your writing.
Galen Pearl says
I think of Juliet telling Romeo “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep. The more I give to thee, the more I have. The both are infinite.”
I think we are challenged sometimes to tell the difference in our lives between boundless love and “boundary-less” love. The former connects us to universal love and connection. The latter causes us emotional damage and does not lead us to the true connection we seek.
Your post clearly sets out what boundless love looks like and feels like. There is no rationing here! Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Thank you for quoting that perfect line from Shakespeare, Galen, and for making such an important distinction between boundless and boundary-less love.
Boundary-less love masquerades as love, but is actually formed from lack and need. And as you note does not lead us to the connection we seek. When all identities fall away and separation disappears, boundless love is apparent everywhere.
May we know it infinitely…
Tara Maya says
I read on another blog once that one shouldn’t say, “I love you,” too often to one’s spouse because it would lose its impact. I profoundly disagreed. There are certain words that do not lose their impact, but accumulate.
I think “I love you” would only lose vital force if the words were spoken without the actions and emotions to back them up; if one spoke the words with contempt, or engaged in hurtful actions then tried to paper it over with words. But the problem then is not too much love, but hypocrisy.
Yet, for me, it is easier to say “I love you” over and over to my children than to my husband. I don’t know if it’s rationing or scarcity-thinking or shyness. But thanks for your lovely reminder to proclaim it from the mountaintops.
@ Galen. I love that quote from Romeo and Juliet!
Tara Maya
The Unfinished Song: Initiate : Nook, Kindle UK, Kindle US , FREE
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Tara Maya.
Your comment is so beautiful about the experience of expressing love unhindered. If it concerns you why it is less easy to say to your husband, you could certainly investigate your reaction, but perhaps there is no problem.
I generously, happily say “I love you” often. But it is always from the heart and not by rote or expectation. This is the most important point, where saying “I love you” or expressing it in a myriad of ways is part of the natural flow.
May your love flow endlessly…
jenny123 says
Love, honour, truth, kindness is in such shortage the world over. I will give and receive it freely in the spirit it is given. Okay, everyone, group hug !
Gail Brenner says
Count me in for the hug, Jenny!