For the past two weeks, we’ve been studying emotions. You can find these past posts here and here. What have we discovered?
The Essence of Meeting Emotions
- The physical body is primed to experience emotions. They’re normal.
- Things get complicated when our thinking minds try to make sense of what’s happening. This creates rumination, worry, confusion, and irritation. Your mind just can’t let go of the story.
- Avoiding emotions will keep you stuck in them.
- Even though you want to avoid them, turning toward emotions is the path to being free of their grip.
- Turning toward our emotions creates a new and friendly relationship with them.
- Taking a slow and conscious breath is a helpful first step.
- How to turn toward? Welcome all sensations, even the ones hiding out in the shadows of your body. Let everything be welcomed in the stillness of your being.
Being with Your In-The-Moment Experience
Here’s the paradox when it comes to emotions. Logic will tell us to avoid them because who wants to feel pain?
But turn toward them and worlds open up. Without paying attention to the story running in your mind, you get to notice your in-the-moment experience.
There are physical sensations…energies…vibration…and the space these experiences arise in. It’s a moment of peace when you meet your feelings as they are.
Avoiding feelings is divisive within and separates us from ourselves. We might call it inner war.
Turning toward and meeting emotions is the path to coming to peace with ourselves.
But don’t take my word for it. Right now, go inside and be with whatever is occurring. Without the mind’s interference, what do you notice? You’re simply allowing what’s here to be here—and it’s way more peaceful than resisting.
A New Relationship with Emotion
I received an email recently from someone who is on fire to explore her experience—even if it hurts (because that’s what it takes). And she made an amazing discovery. She is starting to notice how much fear underlies the addictive behaviors she plays out in her life.
What a revelation! Caught in the addictions, the fear goes unnoticed. But making the courageous move to be curious about her inner experience, she realized the depth of the fear that’s been driving her unsatisfying behavior.
Then her question was, “How do I overcome this fear?” Which means, “How do I win the fight over it? How do I conquer it?”
Basically, she is asking how to get rid of the fear. From my experience, that’s not possible.
First, she avoided the fear completely, not even realizing it was present.
Then she wanted to get rid of it.
And I am suggesting a third approach, which is to get curious about it.
The invitation is to form a new relationship with fear—or any emotion—that is friendly and kind.
- Instead of panicking when an emotion is present, or hating that it’s here, you take a breath and say, “Hello, Emotion.”
- You explore how it feels in the body.
- And you make space for it to appear then float on.
This is the paradox when it comes to emotion. We turn toward our feelings with loving acceptance, and they stop derailing our happiness.
Like a miracle, we discover that by including our emotions and letting them be, there’s peace…lightness…and the sense that all is deeply okay.
Jodi Grossman says
I have had severe anxiety for the last 10 months or so. I was raped. I am in a group therapy and talk to a social worker when I can. I meditate and run, walk, read……
I am doing my best to face this awful feeling. I really liked your email this morning. It seemed to be just what I needed to hear. I wish I could see a psychologist, but I can’t afford one.
I will do my best to embrace and accept my fear, my emotion(s). Thank you for your kind and wise words.
Elaine Fourie says
I’m so sorry Jodi. I work with rape survivors. You are doing everything right. Just persevere. Gail’s methods are difficult as they go against what we are used to but they in fact inspired thinking and if you keep reading her work and learning her methods, they will make a difference
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jodi,
You are doing so much for your healing! I love hearing that. Sometimes anxiety gets lodged in the body, especially with a big stress or traumatic event. I know it’s very uncomfortable, but give it some time. Everything you are doing is helping you rewire your nervous system to a calmer state. If you have any specific questions, you are welcome to post them here.
Sending a warm and loving hug to you…
Deborah says
Hi Jodi, you might consider forming a group and engaging Gail by video conference and sharing the cost. We tried this and it was wonderful and we hope to do it again! If Gail is open to it, that is! Each of us benefits from hearing what the others have to say too.
Varni says
What,about when one is feeling strong emotions /feelings about another and they attempt to share this with that person and they shoot you down, tell you your wrong, make you feel bad for feeling or sharing them? They get argumentative?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Varni,
I may be wrong, but it sounds like you had some hope that maybe things would change as a result of you sharing your feelings. What to do with feelings in the context of relationship is something we all try to navigate.
I have found that taking the time to explore and embrace my own feelings first – before talking about them – is a wise path. I gain a lot of clarity about what I’m actually concerned about, and often the feelings soften so much I don’t need to talk about them. You might experiment with this approach.
And if someone gets argumentative when you share your tender heart, you are learning something important about that person that you may want to explore more deeply.
Jay says
Hello Gail,
Powerful and doable. Quick question: How do we know when we are practicing wise kind acceptance? Maybe it’s easier to know if / when we’re not 🙂 ? Any feedback is much appreciated.
Have a great day.
J
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jay,
There’s a certain kind of ease that is felt when emotions are truly accepted. When I work with people, there’s often a deep sigh and visible relaxing of stress. It feels right and grounding – even if the feeling is a difficult one. And contrast that to how it feels when we avoid, defend, and hate what we’re feeling. That adds to our sense of stress. Play with resisting and accepting and see how each way feels energetically.
Helen C. Gennari says
Gail,
You explain this so simply and so clearly. Thank you.
I have been trying to listen to my body more and I find that what I “feel” usually tells me more than I get from trying to figure out (with my head) what to do. Often we need both but I am only now learning to tune into my body messages.
Gail Brenner says
This is excellent, Helen! There is so much wisdom in the body.
Lisa says
For my entire life it seems I have been living based on my feelings. I have to stop it, because it is killing me. If my husband says something critical I end up feeling like the world is ending and I I am desperate to fix things between us. The thing is, there is nothing to be fixed. He is simply expressing a frustration in that moment, and his love for me has not changed.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lisa,
It sounds like you are so ready to make a different choice! Here is an article that may help you called, Don’t Follow Your Feelings.
I am hearing the clarity in you – that is the voice that tells you that what your husband is saying isn’t personal to you. He’s just expressing frustration in the moment. That is the voice to listen to!
What is being asked of you is to make a conscious and fierce decision in the moment to not go to that familiar, scared, self-judgmental place. You just have to say NO! to that pull. Then here you are – spacious and free.
I’m with you 100%!
Deborah Flak says
You express this so well and so clearly. It has taken me a long time to understand what it means to go inside and turn toward emotions – I learned to go to the feelings in my body – but it took me a long time to learn this – little bits from one teacher and bits from another. You are presenting it all so clearly and simply! This is very helpful. Also I have to say that your manner and persona are very approachable and you feel ‘safe’ for many of us more ‘conservative’ seekers. This is going to make your message so much more accessible to many people. I also love that you talk about the conditioning that has been recorded in the body and that the nervous system has to calm down. I am finding I have to practice this over and over and over and remind myself every day and I keep learning the same lesson over and over again. Sometimes I feel so tired and even though I know that breathing and meditating and letting go are going to make me feel so great, sometimes I resist doing it anyway. I hold onto my habits of worry and anxiety – maybe because they are familiar, safe? Maybe I think these habits are keeping me safe? This resistance to just letting go amazes me because I so clearly know that I can be instantly peaceful if I just let go. This is what makes me feel tired sometimes and sorry for myself. Listening to you today helped me drop that resistance, again. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
So happy to hear of this resonance, Deborah! This resistance to peace that you describe happens for all of us – it’s just another moment to be curious. No need to change anything – just be open and loving with the resistance that’s present. Always so simple! xo
debbie pniel says
I hold so much anxiety in my body.. Reading this I see how much of it is due to resistance. A moment of surrender can bring so much release. Because of social anxiety I often decline invites, then become so sad. I stay home and imagine how much fun life could be without the fear as the negative self talk takes over.. I want to experience living as the me that’s hiding inside riddled with insecurity and negative self talk
Gail Brenner says
Start by having moments of not listening to the stories and narratives running in your mind. When you listen to these, you will continue to stay stuck.
Then begin experimenting outside your comfort zone – which is actually not very comfortable! Do experiments to go out and live as the “me” hiding inside. Just do it! Don’t listen to your fear and let that be in charge. You’ve done that long enough. Listen to your aliveness that you know is in there instead.
You might also check out the archives here and read through articles you think might help: https://gailbrenner.com/archives/. And also sign up for the mailing list as I send out a new article every Friday.
Michelle says
This article was so life changing for me. Without adding too much detail, I was divorced last year and I have started dating again. I couldn’t understand how I kept pushing these men away. I would play the blame game or the “next time I will do this or that differently.” And after seeing a nice man for a couple of months, he broke up with me. The entire relationship I was trying to do everything right. At night I would lay in my bed and feel insecure and inadequate and not good enough for this guy, until I drove him away with my neediness. The very thing that I was trying to avoid I had brought to fruition…,AGAIN!!
I am a worrier and I often victimize myself with judging my present by my past. I have read several of your articles about living in the present and coupled with this article about lovingly accepting my emotions..,man, so simple.
I’m a couple weeks I’ll be going to a year long program that is faith based and learning how to live. I’m 46 years old and I want true serenity and freedom from my past and freedom from my addiction to alcohol.
I am going to print this article out and take it with me on my journey. THANK YOU!!
Gail Brenner says
I love this journey you are on, Michelle! I feel your fire to want to know the truth of things.
If you notice a recurring pattern, you need to go veeeery sloooowly so you can see all the programmed thoughts and feelings as things unfold. Then you are able to make a choice to experiment with doing things differently.
Much love to you….