“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu
“I feel like a loser.” These were the words of a friend of mine, as we were sitting over coffee, and it just didn’t compute. Before me I saw a beautiful being with such a tender heart. And in listening to her story, I again became aware of the impressive power of the mind.
Every time she showed excitement or clarity, in a split second her thoughts derailed her. “I can’t…” “It won’t work…” No wonder she felt like a loser. Her thoughts were constantly telling her these lies that she couldn’t find her way out of.
The Pain of Thinking You’re Inadequate
These are the kinds of painful thoughts that get us into so much trouble. They somehow take up residence in our minds, living there for decades, stealing our happiness, creativity, and well being.
These thoughts are familiar, and, without realizing it, we keep putting them on over and over like your favorite pair of jeans.
We believe what these thoughts tell us, and they unknowingly create our reality.
But these negative, denigrating thoughts have nothing to do with our true identity. Because these thoughts aren’t real. They’re a temporary gust of energy that travels through your mind. They’re sounds with no actual meaning.
But just reading these words may not be enough to find the wholeness that is already your natural state. How many times have you heard, “You’re perfect just as you are” or “You’re not inadequate—it’s only your thoughts?”
These statements are true, but they don’t become our reality until we know them in our bones. We need to own these truths and know that they are absolutely real.
If you want to continue living the painful belief of your personal inadequacy, then read no further. But if you really want to know the truth of you, if you’re sick and tired of feeling the weight of not being able to fully and freely be alive in the world, then bring your attention to your own direct experience. Do the work, because that’s the key.
Learn to inquire into your thoughts. Learn how to turn toward your feelings and embrace them with love and intelligence. And experiment—in the unfolding moments of your beautiful life—with knowing you are whole, boundless, open, and infinitely free.
Inquire into Your Thoughts
The simple act of inquiring into your thoughts is revolutionary. Inquiring cuts through well-worn assumptions and habits of mind. We take the programmed thoughts that run outside of conscious awareness, and we put them under the microscope.
Suddenly, what you took for granted as true is now completely fresh. Instead of being defined by these thoughts, you wonder about other possibilities.
And here’s what we examine:
Are these thoughts actually true? Are you really damaged, inadequate, or destined for mediocrity? Take any thought that has defined you, and question it, asking if it is true.
What is the impact of these thoughts? Say that one of your mantras is, “I could never succeed at that.” How does that thought make you feel? How does it affect your behavior? What does it do to your soul?
Do these thoughts accurately represent who you are? Feel how limiting thoughts contract you into a tiny space with no room to breathe. And begin to consider what’s outside this space. Get a sense of you, your real truth, without these thoughts defining you. Become aware of your essential nature limited by nothing. You’ll find it outside of your thoughts.
Turn Toward Your Feelings
Your identity of inadequacy is not just about your thoughts. You also feel it in your body.
And if you want to see through it into your true magnificence, turn toward your feelings. Is fear rage, or disappointment present? Go beyond the story to welcome the sensations that arise in your body.
Open to all of your experience, including feelings that may be hiding out in the shadows of your awareness.
Welcome the way the feeling lives in your body. See what it’s like right now in your experience without going into your head and into the false story of incapable you.
Then let it all be. Realize the space that allows things to be exactly as they are. Don’t resist, just be.
Experiment Living Who You Already Are
Now that you’ve seen these thoughts of lack and you’ve turned toward the feelings, act from the fullness that is absolutely alive in you.
Stand up in your brilliance. The thoughts may be present, but you don’t have to buy into them. The feelings may come, but you don’t need to let them run the show.
This belief that you’re not worthy is a mask that hides this truth: you are whole. Take off this mask, and begin to step into your truth.
Expand your mind beyond habitual thoughts. Breathe new life into your body. Then see how life wants you to shine.
What About You?
Have you discovered your natural wholeness? Bogged down by feeling inadequate? Please share in the comments. And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Always in love,
Gail
Knowing it in our bones is the most important thing here. I’ve said that before myself. I can know I’m “supposed” to feel that way, but deep down I don’t believe it. Re-training the mind is after a lifetime of negative thinking is a tall order.
Tall order yes, Jeff, but I’d like to inspire you to do just that. Because what is your choice? You can resign yourself to believing what’s false and resisting the truth, or you can follow the breadcrumbs back to your natural wholeness.
I know this is absolutely possible from my own experience and many people I’ve worked with. Relax the focus on the mind, and see what else might be available besides these troubling thoughts.
Hi Gail,
I love your articles Gail, and am enjoying your book. Thank you for all you do.
You are so welcome. I’m really glad to hear it’s all so helpful. Love xx
Hi Gail
I’ve always had the feeling of not being good enough. It has blighted my life and relationships. However since i started reading your articles and book, I can now see that it’s only my thoughts causing problems. So thank you very much.
You are so welcome, Jacqueline! Now that you’re clear that thoughts are the culprit, you know why you suffer. Now, just noticing those thoughts rather than making them your reality becomes possible. So happy for you….
Hi Gail,
I am still struggling with my thoughts. I’ve been working on this for a long time and have come a long way but seem to fall back into the trap when I am around my mother who is controlling and critical. I don’t want to hurt her because we lost my dad in February and my brother was killed in a car accident 15 years ago which devastated our family and leaves me as the only family since both of my parents were only children. Nothing ever seems to be enough and I am feeling a sense of desperation to set healthy boundaries as I see myself spiraling back into a very dark place. Your words have been a great help in my healing and I would so welcome any insight you might have. Thank you for all that you have already done.
Is there any way to have a conversation with your mother – in love? Perhaps telling her of your need to care for yourself and your desire to sustain a relationship with her. I’m wondering if there is a middle ground somewhere.
Great to hear that you have come a long way. So your interactions with your mother are your new edge. Some other suggestions: recognize that your mother’s criticisms are coming from a wounded, hurting place in her; see these comments as an expression of her pain and confusion and not personal to you (this is the truth), let them roll off you or move through without sticking, be teflon not velcro, stay connected with her heart to heart, and at the same time when these criticisms come say, “not me.” Hear them as “blah, blah, blah” without taking the content seriously and meaningfully. I think you get the idea. The more these comments fail to land and affect you, the more freedom you bring to yourself and this relationship.
Please let me know how it goes… In love…
Thank you so much Gail. These are all wonderful and helpful suggestions. I tried them out today when I visited her and felt very happy at being able to do some of these things and feel myself making progress and encouraged. Practice, practice,practice . . . 🙂
I’m so glad to hear this, Sandee. You’re bringing a freshness to these interactions.
Thank you Gail, great post, so helpful!!! love how write. xo Marilee
Love to you, Marilee…
You have really helped me.
Thank you very much!
Brasil, RJ
Hello Gail,
I am new here, but in dire need of your help. I have a very complicated story that involves being raped at 4, molested at 8, then verbally abused by an ex husband that i never loved and cheated on by him. Of all the things that happened to me, the worst is the constant feeling of being unworthy of a man’s love and attention. Ever since my ex husband cheated on me, I constantly feel that I will never find love, and when I find someone, my feelings of inadequacy begin to surface. It starts with me comparing myself to their past significant other, then immediate and extended family members. I just feel I am unworthy of any man. Please help. I don’t want to be labeled as crazy or psycho and do not want to grow old by myself.
Hi Lili,
You are holding a strong belief system about yourself that needs to be questioned. What happened to you when you were young was not a statement about your worth. These things happened because of others’ confusion, immaturity, and inability to have compassion for you. None of these things has anything to do with you.
There is something in you – your source, your true nature – that has never been touched by these events. Your path is to not let these events and your history define who you are, as this is a false self-definition. Experiment with shedding this identity as unworthy. Imagine yourself feeling whole, clear, and capable of being with a loving, committed partner. What thoughts would you have? How choices would you make? How would you feel in your body?
When the comparing thoughts arise, don’t give them any attention – don’t let them be in control. Remember your essential wholeness and goodness. You are not damaged or broken and never have been. Live that wholeness and see what life begins to bring you.
Interesting stuff and could lead directly to the sub-topics of how not to blame yourself as well as how to, as the Jerome Kern – Dorothy Fields song goes “pick yourself up” after a divorce/breakup, firing, loss of career, severe financial or health setback, hospitalization, a death in the family, etc. Now I know how to stop a thought when it occurs, ask if it’s true and then have the response “well. . . that does seem a tad harsh. . . awfully harsh, actually.” My preference, frankly, would be that these thoughts and the noxious beliefs behind them would never show up in the first place, ever. Thanks.
Thanks for your comment, Paul. I love that you’ve learned how to question your thoughts so you don’t end up taking them as real. This is the key to happiness. Yes, it would be nice if these sticky thoughts never appeared, but when we know how to work with them, the outcome is the same – freedom. This goes for all of life’s challenges. It would be nice if they never happened, but wonderful to know that we always have a choice in how we meet them.