âNothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.â
~Eckhart Tolle
From what I can see, the unexamined human mind inclines toward thinking negatively. And the target of those negative thoughts is often ourselves.
We believe weâre broken, damaged, and inadequate. We live in the pain of unworthiness. And weâre fearful of expanding into the fullness of our being and all the possibilities that brings.
We hear that weâre supposed to love ourselves more, but how do we actually do that? And who is this self that we donât love enough?
The common view in our culture is that we need to fix ourselves by repeating affirmations, changing our thoughts, and trying to accept ourselves unconditionally. These strategies may help for a while, but theyâre often a temporary solutionâŚbecause they donât get to the core of the problem.
As long as we identify ourselves by these self-defeating thoughts, we will sufferâŚwhich leads us to the fundamental spiritual question posed by the ancient masters: Who am I?
I invite you to explore this question, and here are nine loving ways to do so. Why would you go on believing a false identity when the truth of yourself, which is completely free, is right here to be realized and lived?
1. Notice when the thoughts appear.
Thoughts of inadequacy say something like, âIâm a loser, Iâll fail, Iâm unlovable.â Or thereâs a mindset of negativity about yourself, others, and the world. Feel into how these thoughts limit you. When they appear, do your best to simply notice them without judgment. Just this is revolutionary because now you have a choice: believe what they tell you and live according to their limits or consider endless possibilities beyond these limiting ideas.
2. Be wise about where your attention goes.
Remember that what you pay attention to is what grows. The more you think self-critical thoughts, the more they solidify into your personal identity. Thoughts can be present, but you donât have to get involved in what theyâre telling you. So lose interest in them. Instead,
⢠Breathe deeply and track the movements of the inhale and the exhale;
⢠Focus on what youâre experiencing through your five senses;
⢠Go do something that brings you joy and delight.
3. Be willing to let go.
Letting go of the identity of unworthiness is like saying goodbye to a friendship that you know isnât working anymore. It might take some time, but be very willing to feel open in your mind and body, make space for new ways of being in the world, and see people and situations through the eyes of love and not fear and need.
4. Know the truth.
Not one inadequate thought can possibly describe who you are. These beliefs are false descriptions that the mind comes up with, but who is the âyouâ theyâre describing? You, who you really are, are way too glorious to be defined by any thought. You are unlimited, whole, free, and infinitely loving. And something in you has a sneaking suspicion that this is the truth. Know and live this truth. The world is waiting for you.
5. Donât let your feelings guide you.
If you believe youâre unworthy, youâre bound to feel hurt, disappointed, and sad. As you probably know, these feelings weigh you down. Instead of following them, commit to moving beyond limitation. Stand up and feel your feet on the ground. Take a couple of breaths into your belly. Feel confident in your body as you take a few steps. Go out there and live the totality of what is true for you.
6. Be compassionate with yourself.
Believing the identity of feeling damaged or inadequate separates you from your own experience. Rejecting the feelings that arise within only strengthens self-hate. End the fight by being very kind toward your own thoughts and feelings. Just welcome them from a place of friendly neutrality as if they were clouds floating in the sky. No charge, no drama. This is the most loving way to be with yourself.
7. Be here nowâand not locked into the past.
Sometimes negative self-identities form because we internalize how people treated us when we were young. If you leave your mind unchecked, it will keep repeating this painful story forever.
Shift your attention away from  the mind and step fully into presence, the aliveness of your being that has never been touched by brokenness or insecurity. Breathe in the aliveness, as this is the true medicine for the division and negativity you feel.
8. Act as if.
Take one situation or interaction, and approach it as if you felt whole, confident, and enthusiastic. How does it feel in your body? What thoughts would you be thinking? Embody this intelligent way of being in your own direct experience.
9. Rinse and repeat.
Donât expect to eliminate all thoughts of unworthiness. Instead, commit to meeting them with loving presence. Notice them, acknowledge them, then turn away from them while you stay rooted in the fullness of unlimited potential. Do this every time the thoughts arise, and eventually they will soften.
Over and over, choose presence and not your thoughtsâin the name of freedom, happiness, and love. đ§Ą
Always in love,
Gail
tanja mathyssen says
love all of it. thanks Gail for another motivating article this all makes so much sense. I just wish i could be reminded of these 9 steps every 10 seconds of my life, since that’s how often I forget about the self-love. maybe i could get them tattooed on my arm đ
Gail Brenner says
I know that 10-second need, Tanja! But I can tell you from my own experience, eventually the truth begins to take hold and drowns out that old conditioning. Also, don’t forget to recognize the moments of opening, catching the conditioning, joy, delight, wonder, love…. Life is right here to be experienced fully….
Manish Saxena says
Motivating .. Don’t have much words … It’s practical and useful.
Gail Brenner says
So glad, Manish!
Rosie says
Thanks Gail, very helpful!
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful, Rosie!
Malcolm cragg says
Talking of tattoos,on my right forearm I have in large letters,”THIS IS IT’ on my left forearm I have’AND ITS PERFECT’to remind myself of the rightness of every moment,because I forget constantly.I now attend a Buddhist centre,it’s not a quick fix,but it’s uplifting frequently.????
Gail Brenner says
Hi Malcolm, I love how committed you are to happiness!
Malcolm cragg says
Without yourself and your book,and others like Echart Tolle,and Tara Brach,I would be in a negative place,thank you so much????
Gail Brenner says
So sweet, Malcolm! Sending you a big hug…
Sandra Pawula says
This article comes at the perfect time! I think I’ve improved greatly in terms of my sense of worthiness and now I want to step it up another level. Thanks for these excellent suggestions.
I have mixed feelings about this quote: âNothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.â I know that past trauma can make it more difficult to be in the present moment. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible or not a worthwhile endeavor by any means!
Gail Brenner says
So lovely to hear from you, Sandra! I know how fiery you are about getting to the truth of things. The more we shed these layers of conditioning, the more we’re available to experiencing and living life fully without any negative filter or separation.
I hear you about that quote. We can temporarily be stuck in our minds, ruminating about the past and not being present now. But when the past is seen for what it is (finished, but alive in our minds) and we don’t feed the stories, what remains is presence and openness to life as it appears in this moment. I love that this discover is always possible!
susan says
Beautiful, just beautiful, Gail. I have found (and continue to find, over and over) that these 9 loving ways work! I love the words you’ve chosen to express some of the most important learnings in my life (thus far, anyway). Sending much love and appreciation to you.
Gail Brenner says
So much love to you, Susan…
Paul says
Just asking yourself, “what is keeping me from experiencing presence and joy? Why are you letting it?”
Awareness is key.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Paul! Yes! There is always that choice to be present and joyful – once we are aware of our experience.
joseph says
very helpful ,final i just tried something new after 7 years of nightmare.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy for your relief from the nightmare, Joseph! It takes trying something new, getting out of the comfort zone, and shedding the identities that bring us suffering. Glad you found this post helpful…
Robert says
Great article and comments Gail, and may I say that working in a one-on-one relationship with a highly skilled, wise, and caring therapist, which I am now doing, has shifted something deep within my being that I have never received from all of the self-help books, CD’s, articles, courses, and affirmation work that I have done over the past thirty years of my life. Because of her, I too can say that suffering is indeed optional. Her personal one-on-one input in my life has made that fact a reality for me. I am saying that from an extremely violent and verbally abusive childhood from two years of age forward. She is the most gentle, wise, and caring person I have ever had the pleasure of working with in my entire life. She, as well as you, is a blessing in this physical world.
Keep up the good you are bestowing into this physical world through your own being. —– Robert
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for leaving this comment, Robert. This is a testimony to what is possible. No matter how deep the tentacles of suffering, freedom is always possible. Happy for you!
Malcolm cragg says
Hi Gail,in the interview with Evita Ochel you said that we already have what we need to be happy.This made me think of my experience in meditating at my Buddhist Centre. Immediately after my meditation I am in a place of peace with no problems around me,although I,m the same Malcolm,but not my everyday person.Is this a sense of what you are referring to?
Regards
Gail Brenner says
It sounds like when you meditate, Malcolm, that your attention shifts away from the problems of everyday life. The attention maybe has expanded into presence. You realize there are no problems because you aren’t paying attention to the stories that create them – or maybe those stories aren’t even arising. And what is meditation? It’s so simple – just being here. So yes, you’re directly experiencing this possibility of realizing that the happiness you’re looking for is already here.
May I offer some guidance to deepen your investigation? You say that when you’re peaceful, you’re the same Malcolm. What does that mean exactly? This gets into the essential spiritual question: Who am I? When you realize you are not the one with all the problems you thought you had, who are you? This is a question not to be answered with the mind, but to be contemplated and known through experience.
Malcolm cragg says
Hi Gail,,I mean I’m still physically Malcolm,but my experience is of peace.,regards
Gail Brenner says
Yes, and I’m inviting a deeper question. Is who you truly are “Malcolm?” Are you the one defined by the physical body with the name Malcolm and Malcolm’s history? Beautiful questions for contemplation…
Malcolm cragg says
Hi Gail,Most of the time,yes I,m Malcolm as defined by his name,stories,and conditioning.However I have sometimes had glimpses of a different place,and it is very peaceful,and I would like to enlarge it.
manik nath says
Thank you for your valuable ‘inspirational’ truth…
It feel is like living’ ALIVE’ . Your 9 loving ways is magical influence and its really works.
Once again , I would like to thanks for your imense love and care for us,,,
With more love and care..
Gail Brenner says
Yes, living ALIVE, Manik! That is what we’re here for!
So much love….
Bles says
Hey, Gail! It’s been a while. Perfect article. Do I have feelings (and most of the time) of inadequacy and question self-worth? You bet! Do I have feelings of self-worthiness? Often times. Do all these interfere with my brilliant self expression and authenticity and being at the present. Absolutely. From childhood to adulthood. I realize the main source: Fear. It stops me from my moment by moment peace and happiness. Here’s something for everyone:
-Align with fear, then you’re driven to choose between safe & unknown. So what is it? Ah, get away from your comfort zone.
-Befriend fear, then you can dismantle it and see- just distorted thoughts.
-Focus on fear, then I’m attentive to inadequacy and suffering, self-unworthiness & even shame.
-Pay no mind to fear, then its a “YES” and “I don’t know what’s in the future.”
-Stick with fear, then you’re locked in the past and overlook opportunities.
-So how can Bles attain security, adequacy, self-worthiness and peace? — Never stick to what I already know. Close the door to mindless activities and mental noise. Be kind towards thoughts, feelings and experiences. Notice, observe and be curious. Step in the fully into the presence and aliveness of my being. Everything is already here and I’m awareness. Feel body sensations and understand those feelings. Avoid drama and demeaning inner thought. Practice, practice, practice & repeat. My opportunities — attaining peace, happiness, brilliant self-expression, authentic-self, and moment by moment by moment embodiment of thoughts and awareness. Take care and apologies for a long discourse. Wonderful day!
Gail Brenner says
I love this long discourse, Bles! It’s so beautiful to hear how you take what you read and learn and make it your own in the moments of your life. What you’ve written is rich with insights and intelligent actions. I also appreciate that you’re not waiting for those feelings of inadequacy to go away. You’re working with them directly – which is the key.
Love to you….
Penny says
Dear Gail
Could you teach me please the first steps in “Urge Surfing” or perhaps I’ve landed on the wrong web page, and you are not the person to contact?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Penny,
Here is the link to the article on urge surfing. https://gailbrenner.com/2010/06/how-to-break-habits-cope-with-urges-cravings/ Hope you find it helpful!
Please note that the audio meditation is no longer available.
Love to you…
Asif says
Yes, definitely. There’s nothing that makes us suffer from inadequacy. đ