āThe aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.ā
~Henry Miller
Have you noticed how embedded our habits can be? Even with the best of intentions to act or feel differently, before we know it, we are barreling down a familiar track doing the same old, same old.
You want to change, but over and over you find yourself taking on another project when you’re already completely maxed, digging into that bag of chips, spinning in worry or self-criticism, captured in the same argument with someone, lolling about on the couch, again.
Wouldn’t you love to be free of your most confining habits? Imagine being in control rather than controlled, mindful rather than mindless, fully alive rather than stuck in a very deep rut.
Be Happy Now
There’s nothing wrong with habits, but when they detract from our joy in living life to its fullest, we owe it to ourselves to take a closer look at them. For it is our birthright to enjoy ourselves, to approach the moments of our life with openness and enthusiasm.
Simply said, we deserve to be happy.
Awareness Is the Key
So let’s get down to business and discover how you can step out of the prison of your habits. And it starts with being aware.
The nature of habits is that they occur outside of our conscious awareness. When we’re trapped by a habit, we are like a wind-up doll, programmed to play out the same behavior over and over. It’s a script we know by heart, and we act it out without thinking.
And this is great news! Once we realize that habits operate unconsciously, the way out becomes clear. We take each one and unwind it into its elements. We become aware of every nuance of thought, feeling, and reaction that makes up this habit.
Becoming an Expert
We develop into habit experts, knowing the habit so well and in such detail that we could write a thesis about it. And we don’t shy away just because what we discover is hard or painful.
Each moment is an opportunity to cast a vote for our happiness by becoming aware. And as we become aware, we realize the possibility of making a different choice.
Awareness is freedom. So if you long to be free, become aware of your habits. De-program yourself, throw away the script, and let the tracks of your habits be washed away.
A Strong Foundation for Becoming Aware
As we start to investigate habits, here are some important points to keep in mind.
It’s all in the present moment. The past is useful to learn about our patterns, but the rubber meets the road in the moment. So when you are triggered, when you feel your anger rising or you are reaching out for the ice cream when you know you don’t need it, this is the moment to be aware. No matter what you’ve done before, every moment offers an opportunity to be aware, to pause, to embrace your experience.
Awareness illuminates choice. As we untangle our habits by becoming aware of them, we notice options we never saw before. A friend was working on a habit of being concerned about what other people thought of her. As she investigated the pattern, she realized that people weren’t thinking about her nearly as much as she had assumed. She discovered a new option of not paying attention to a thought that wasn’t true. The result? Freedom.
Don’t force yourself to change. Rather than focusing on a goal, keep your attention on each moment. Lovingly embrace things just as they are. Take every fear and disappointment, every tension, every whirlwind of thoughts and create a warm and accepting space where they can be received. The habit can’t hold up to the power of loving attention, and change begins to happen effortlessly.
Your natural essence is whole and healthy. Habits are conditioned. We learn them to manage difficult feelings and situations. As we unwind our habits, the should’s, pressures, and rationalizations fall away. We realize that peace is possible, that freedom is available always.
A Loving Process for You
- Start by being curious and open, willing and patient.
- Bring to mind a habit you’d like to work on and a situation in which this habit played out.
- Begin to ask questions:
- Peel back the layers until all is revealed.
- Welcome these experiences like a long-lost friend. Say, āyesā to each one. This is the end of the inner fight and the beginning of real possibility.
-What am I thinking? What story am I telling myself? What expectations do I have?
-What am I feeling?
-What physical sensations do I notice in my body?
With great compassion, shed light on the experiences that make up your habits. They will start to fall apart right before your eyes, leaving you spacious, open, and happy.
What have you discovered about letting go of habits? How do you get stuck? I’d love to hear…
Galen Pearl says
This is so exactly right!! My blog is all about changing our habits. I love what you wrote here. With your permission, I would like to use some quotes (with a link back of course) in some of my posts.
PS–Found your blog through your guest post on Zen Habits–also a great post. Have now added you to my faves list. Look forward to reading more.
.-= Galen PearlĀ“s last blog ..Blog Plans for 2011 =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Galen,
A warm welcome to you! I can feel your excitement through your words, and I love it!
You are most welcome to use quotes for your posts. I appreciate that you find them useful.
Glad to have you along…
Sandra Lee says
Hi Gail,
You always offer a unique approach in your writing, which I appreciate so much.
I found this to be a key point: “The nature of habits is that they occur outside of our conscious awareness.”
This is so beautiful: “Take every fear and disappointment, every tension, every whirlwind of thoughts and create a warm and accepting space where they can be received.”
How often we neglect expressing loving kindness towards ourselves! No better moment to change than right now!
.-= Sandra LeeĀ“s last blog ..One Powerful Word- A Simple Approach to New Yearās Resolutions =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandra,
I love that change is always available to us, and that change is to become conscious. When we are conscious of our experience, as opposed to unconscious, everything changes. So much openness and possibility. Consciousness is the key to the prison door.
I am always enriched by your comments. Thanks so much!
Maria says
Hi Gail,
I love to read your posts.
Infact, It is so hard to let go of habits.
I am not sure how to embrace and welcome something like pain/tightness in the body (during anxiety), specially when it has become a habit of holding on. How can that habit be let go of?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maria,
Welcome to you!
I knew this question would come up, and I thank you very much for asking it. Welcoming is an art. Initially, the process can be a little rocky, but eventually it becomes such a joy to allow everything to be as it is.
It is a wonderful step that you notice the pain and tightness in your body during anxiety. This means you are already being aware.
When you feel whatever sensations you feel, simply notice them. Use your awareness to go deeper and deeper into them. What are they really like? What is the nature of them? Then surrender the sensations into the space of awareness. Create a vast loving space that is awareness itself, and let the sensations be received by this space.
You might notice that this process has nothing to do with thoughts. Any thoughts are a story about the sensations. Even saying, “I’m anxious,” is the beginning of a story. So don’t pay attention to the thoughts. Just allow the sensations. As you do this, eventually they will begin to change, break up, maybe even dissolve.
Be this loving with yourself every time you feel the anxiety or any sensations. Then anxiety becomes a joy because you get to be loving with yourself. And eventually it loses its power.
You will probably have more questions, but experiment with what I have described here, and let me know how it goes.
Love to you…
Maria says
Hi Gail,
I will definitely practice with your suggestion. I am always eagerly waiting for your new posts.
Thanks so very much !!
Love to you !
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome, Maria…
Sandra Lee says
This is a wonderful response for all of us Gail. Thanks so much for this precious guidance.
.-= Sandra LeeĀ“s last blog ..One Powerful Word- A Simple Approach to New Yearās Resolutions =-.
Maria says
Hi Gail,
After paying attention, I discovered that first I experience tightness/pain which started long time ago (i think it is a habit), then I tend to associate fear with those sensations along with stories of the past. Once I have this feeling of pain it lingers for 3-4 days. And this has become like a cycle.
Will accepting/welcoming these feelings help me get out of this habit of holding on?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maria,
You are noticing a lot by paying attention!
The goal is not to change anything or get rid of feelings. These things may or may not happen on their own, although my experience and that of many others is that shifts eventually happen. Just consider being aware moment-by-moment. During those 3-4 days, is the story running? Are there any thoughts about the sensations that are present? Is there any resistance?
Being receptive to experience aligns us with the reality of the moment. We stop resisting and melt into things as they are. And as you do, there is no conditioning operating in that moment. This is the medicine that helps unwind the habits, and sometimes it takes a while. Ultimately, love heals – receiving all in love, as love.
You are supporting a momentum that is aligning your body and mind to reality. And it is beautiful to witness.
Love to you…
Fr. Michael says
Gail,
Thanks for this insightful post. With regard to changing habits, I recently heard something that struck me like a bolt of lightning: “You can’t think your way into a new way of living, but you can live your way into a new way of thinking.”
Habits change when we change our behavior, and I’ve found that this takes trust. We have to trust the new behavior will develop new patterns in our mind…not vice versa. Once I choose a new behavior over and over, the mind will eventually follow. This has been my experience.
Peace!
.-= Fr. MichaelĀ“s last blog ..Comment on Become a Gift! by JFP =-.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate these useful you have made points about changing habits, Father Michael.
I love what you say about trust. We can have trust that we can step out into the unknown by letting go of a habit that isn’t serving us and trust that just the right behavior or thoughts will arrive.
In terms of a new behavior, “Just do it” can be a helpful guideline. Then the body, heart, and mind can get used to the new experience, as you suggest.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Uzma says
Hey. Very interesting. Feels hard though. One can feel the difficulty yet one doesn’t know what to do with it. Or does one need to go deeper ?
.-= UzmaĀ“s last blog ..Peace is a perfume =-.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for your question, Uzma. I’m going to write more about welcoming our experience in the next post. Stay tuned…
John says
Gail, I have just discovered your blog through a guest post on Zen Habits and I feel you are writing to me personally. I could be the poster boy for the thoughts and feelings you describe and have been trying to forget the past and find peace for yers. I will continue reading your posts and Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy that you stopped by and took the time to comment, John!
I totally support you in any way I can to find peace, because I know with complete certainty that peace is possible for you. Many of the people in the community here are just like you, and we all learn from and inspire each other.
Rand says
Routine
Arthur Guiterman
No matter what we are and who,
Some duties everyone must do:
A Poet puts aside his wreath
To wash his face and brush his teeth,
And even Earls
Must comb their curls,
And even Kings
Have underthings.
Greetings Gail!
Thought to make my re-entrance onto your stage with some of that ‘good old time’ humor that I know you are “counting on”. Just where are we now? #38 or is it #83? I get the numbers all switched up!
I zoned in on this:
“No matter what youāve done before, every moment offers an opportunity to be aware, to pause, to embrace your experience.”
Were talking every moment here like in how yoga and meditation is applied in moments. When I was doing a yoga stretching exercise on the beach the other day I kept slowing down the moment in union with my breathing.
As a stagehand the same thing applies when following cues
As a watchmaker the same thing applies when doing a very difficult procedure with a 20x loop.
It’s all about slowing down…the moment….the moment……the moment……..the moment.
I’ve never been a good mathematician (tough to spell word also). Would this work as a formula?
Space Awareness
———— + ———- = Happiness
Movement Freedom
What formula would you chalk up?
I’m happy to be here again Gail…
Exit stage right,
Rand
Rand says
Maybe this:
Space Awareness Freedom
—— + ———- – Habits = &
Moment Movement Happiness
Gail Brenner says
That’s exactly it, Rand. One moment at a time…
Rand says
Patsy Cline’s:
Life’s Railway To Heaven
Seems to be such a beautiful song for this Post.
“From the cradle to the grave”
One long line of moments……
If one chooses “Awareness” these moments can be regulated to help insure one’s life is a wonderful one!
All the way to the grave…
Enjoy!
Deb says
Gail – Just what I needed to read today. I have fallen into a bad habit of eating the chocolate everyone seems to have sitting on their desks at this time of the year. It took me quite a while to break that habit and get to a healthy weight, now it is back. I am listening to that urge, feeling what is happening in my body, feeling the desire to taste that chocolate. And accepting and welcoming it. Then letting it go.
Thanks for the reminder.
Deb
Gail Brenner says
This is just it, Deb! We welcome everything, even the return of the habit we thought was long gone. Feeling the experience of the moment without doing anything is freedom.
So glad to see you here again. Big hug to you…
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
That point about folks being able to almost write a thesis about their good or bad(mostly bad) habits sure does make sense. Throughout the internet, on various forums and answer locations, there are folks who have so much knowledge on their own conditions that they could easily diagnose and label a patient that came in with their issue. We get an awkwardly good understanding of our long-term bad habits because they show up routinely and we learn more about them each time. Just as that the people who know most about diabetes(other than trained professionals) are the one who have diabetes, those who have a certain bad habit know almost everything about what triggers it and the effects it has.
Awareness does look to be the only way out, because, in thinking of the bad habit like a regularly running program, you can’t alter a program when you are inside of it, because you have to follow its rules at that time. You have to be outside of it as a programmer looking in, and awareness looks to be the way to get outside of it.
.-= Armen ShirvanianĀ“s last blog ..Your Looks Are Very Important To Your Success =-.
Gail Brenner says
There is so much clarity in your comment, Armen. I love it!
This is right on: “You canāt alter a program when you are inside of it, because you have to follow its rules at that time. You have to be outside of it as a programmer looking in.” When we take our seat as awareness and study the program, we open to the opportunity of a fresh way of seeing things, as they are. It’s like becoming aware plants a bug inside a program that derails it. Becoming aware is the pause, the putting on of the brakes, that let’s us see what is actually happening.
It’s wonderful to know that there is always a way out!
Koby Ackie says
Habits are the foundation of our everyday lives. It seems that if we just make a habit of being mindful in every passing moment (which is very difficult to do), changing habits intrinsically become easier, as ironic as that sounds. Great post.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Koby!
Your comment is so logical, so self-evident. I love it!
If we are mindful in every moment, the right action becomes crystal clear.
Tess The Bold Life says
Rather than focusing on a goal, keep your attention on each moment.
I love that line because one moment at a time we can ditch any habit we choose.
I’m printing out your questions for tomorrow morning’s journaling. You rock!
.-= Tess The Bold LifeĀ“s last blog ..Grilled Chicken Tuesdays- This Is It =-.
Gail Brenner says
You are the best, Tess. I love you, I just do!
And I love that you know the secret – one moment at a time.
GutsyWriter says
I recently had my annual check-up and was asked a standard question on the form: How much coffee do you drink? I said, “Three cups a day.” The doctor said, “Cut back to one, three is too much.” I’m sorry, some habits I enjoy, like my coffee before the gym, my coffee around 10 a.m. with a Danish cookie and my coffee after lunch. There are some habits I have from my European lifestyle that make my life fun and I refuse to change because statistics show one year that one cup of coffee is OK, but 3 is not. And then one year later, caffeine is good for you. Simple pleasures like coffee or tea, should be embraced and not used to make you feel “bad” when you’re living a very healthy life with fresh veggies, fruit, lean protein and no fast food. Now I feel better that I’ve vented my frustration. Live life, enjoy your simple pleasures. Great post as usual. Thanks, Sonia.
Gail Brenner says
First I thought I was getting trashed, Sonia, but whew, you’re just venting. You might enjoy the photo here.
Change is never going to happen unless we want it to. I trust that you will know when and if you need to cut back on coffee. But for now, you are following your happiness. Enjoy!
GutsyWriter says
Thanks Gail. Nice photo of a relaxed woman with her coffee mug. Sorry about the coffee venting. If you have time, I do have a video of me reading a story I wrote called: “My Italian Lover,” related to this topic.
http://gutsywriter.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-italian-lover.html
Graham Dawson says
Hi Gail,
An excellent post again! You go right to the heart of the matter, and have such clarity.
There are some habits that I’ve had for many, many years. When I first became aware of them as habits (rather than taking them as part of who I thought I was, as I used to), they remained largely unchanged for some time. But more and more I noticed them. And then, after some time, I just started noticing them less – not because I was being less aware, but just because I was doing them less! So apparently no effort was involved at all. Just awareness and the passing of time…!
Thanks so much – looking forward to whatever you are next inspired to write about. š
Gail Brenner says
I love this, Graham! Effortless habit change. No doing, no stress, simply being aware. This is a great example about how everything takes care of itself if we get out of the way.
Trent Jones says
Hey there, i enjoyed this blog. Would you mind expounding on the idea that we “deserve to be happy”. I think that is an interesting idea and i wanted to know more in depth why you feel this way. thanks,
trent
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Trent! Glad to see you over here, and I love your question.
Happiness is our nature, it is what we all want and long for. If we investigate closely, we will see that much of what we do is geared toward happiness. We overeat because we want to feel good. We get angry at people because they aren’t doing what will make us happy.
We’re looking for happiness anyway, so why not be scientific about it. Let’s investigate what pulls us away from happiness. And when we do, and choose to not put our attention into thoughts and feelings that don’t serve us, happiness seems to appear. It is obscured by certain habits, and when these habits begin to soften, well, my experience is that I realize happiness.
Being happy is natural, it is an offering to everyone.
Wishing you endless happiness….
Nea says
I just love your writing, Gail. I think we all have a way of letting our habits take on a life of their own. When we decide to truly sit back and notice what we’re doing, it is indeed liberating. To see that the things we do habitually are not just happening to us, we are making a choice each time we give in to the habit. Awareness of the power to choose differently is amazing. Truly amazing.
.-= NeaĀ“s last blog ..50 Ways to Give Back and Make the World a Better Place =-.
Gail Brenner says
I love what you are contributing here, Nea.
It is awesome, literally, that we have the capacity to choose. We are awake and aware. We can see what is happening and shift our attention. I completely agree: truly amazing.
Uttoran Sen says
i like these posts, gives me so much to think… though perhaps i would have liked to use the word “consciousness” instead of “awareness”.
Bad habits become part of our life in a way that we start to take them as granted. Lucky i haven’t go too many bad habits to get rid of.
.-= Uttoran SenĀ“s last blog ..Best Baby Care Tips =-.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you for your visit here, Uttoran, and for taking the time to comment.
You make a great point about taking habits for granted. Little by little, we go unconscious and we shuffle through life without thinking about it. But those fortunate ones among us begin to question the status quo, and we eventually discover the possibility of freedom, surrender, and joy.
I’m so glad for you that you don’t have too many bad habits! I imagine you’re a happy person who enjoys life…