“As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.”
~Eckhart Tolle
I met with someone recently who was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Going through a breakup, she felt hurt, disappointed, left, lost, and all the other feelings that you might expect.
And in the middle of all this pain, came the golden insight: “The only way out of this pain is to let go.”
Sounds easy, but how to do that?
Inquiry for Letting Go
This insight prompted an interesting line of inquiry to identify the hook that was causing the pain:
- What was she holding on to?
- What endings did she not want to face?
- What was she hoping for that wasn’t happening?
- What expectations were hidden below the surface of her awareness?
The answers to these questions revealed so many ways that her attention was stuck in wanting things to be different than they are. No wonder she was in so much pain.
The letting go of these hooks happened without too much struggle because she really, really wanted the pain to stop. She went through each one, and asked, “Can I let go of this?” Each time, her wise mind pictured holding on then letting go, and said, “Yes.”
In fact, she felt the relief of finally being more aligned with the truth of how things are.
How to Move with Change
As humans, it’s natural to hold on. We want control, we resist change—and we want what we want. We get into a certain groove and expect things to stay that way forever.
Change is scary and pushes us out of our comfort zone.
But here’s the truth that we’re all aware of: things change. And our job is to figure out how we want to move with those changes. We can go forward kicking and screaming, not accepting what’s happened.
Or we can look within to see where we’re holding on, and ask if letting go is possible.
So here are some questions for you to contemplate—but only if you’re suffering.
- Are you holding on, attached to how you want things to be?
- What could you let go of?
- Are you willing to let go and open fully to the life that is being offered to you now?
Don’t rush this process. Take time to let the pain—and all the “I want’s” behind the pain—rise to the surface. Let it all be seen in the light of conscious awareness so nothing festers.
Then go through each one. Contemplate holding on…then letting go, and experience what happens.
Welcoming Letting Go
Letting go isn’t something you do. If it were that simple, we’d all be doing it. But here’s what you can do:
- Recognize you’re suffering,
- Become aware of the thoughts behind the pain,
- Feel what it would be like to hold on,
- And welcome in the possibility of letting go.
When you’re ready, when grace shines on you, you’ll leave the limited world of hopes and expectations and awaken into expanded consciousness, clear seeing, and the luminous truth of present moment experience.
What About You?
Are you holding on? Have you created the space for letting go? I’d love to hear in the comments. And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Always in love,
Gail
John says
Hai I’m john
Actually I loved a person so much in the past she always treated me like a shit she doesn’t love me back now she got married and have a kid but still I’m stalking her I always tried to stop stalking her but very step towards that was failure to what i should do I’m really in a very bad situation of my life please help me to overcome my problem
Gail Brenner says
You have to do the work within, John, to control your own impulses. Explore inside to see what ideas about her and the situation that you are attached to, then contemplate the freedom you will experience letting go of these. This needs to be done every time you feel the urge to find her.
You might feel that something is missing in you that makes you stalk her. That’s what needs your focus, love, and attention. And, if it feels right to you, I encourage you to get professional help with a counselor to support you through this process.
I hear the pain you are in and your desire to stop hurting yourself and others. I wish you well…
Keshia says
This article was very timely and just what I needed. I’ve been trying to understand what’s been holding me back and it’s all the questions and expectations of how I want things to be rather than excepting them for as they are which is what’s keeping me stuck. Something for me to ponder on.
Thanks Gail great article.
Gail Brenner says
I’m happy for your insights, Keshia! Sending love…
Michelle says
I read The Pain Of Holding On- it makes so much sense in my life. I’m recently divorced, I’ve experienced a great deal of pain through the process. My world came to a head 9 months ago, when I found out my husband was playing financial infidelity, making unethical business decisions and is involved in a class action lawsuit. He hid the lawsuit and I had no idea he was making the decisions he was. I realize through our marriage he was secretive, hid many things from me, he had an affair two years after we married with an employee, has a temper, deep anger issues. He never respected me, snapped at me often. He has a gambling addiction, a serious one which is what impacted his business. I had to realize I was holding into what I wish could be, I was hoping he would change, that he would realize he needed help and would seek it in therapy then heal so we could live happily ever after. He proved to me over and over that he was not going to change, our therapist told me at one of our private sessions without my husband, Not in your control, nor your power, no should you want this power to fix or change him. He said I need to stop trying to fix him, and to focus on myself and my healing. I was living with someone who made bad decisions that were against my values and beliefs. I was experiencing physical stress symptoms, daily headaches, nausea, back throbbing constant, fatigue, and high anxiety the last 8 months. The day I chose to leave is the day ALL the stress symptoms stopped! Immediately they stopped, what was this telling me? My divorce was official March 13 this year, he took off to Florida for 10 days right after this made me realize he truly never cared about me. I realize he only cared about gambling, money, and tangible material items he was a very unhappy person with a hardened heart. Now that I am out, I can see how damaging my relationship was. Now I’m left to try to find myself, be independent, and find peace and calm. It was so hard to let go, I held on for years because I feared change and the unknown. I was so scared to make the move, but I believe Gid had his hand in all this and led me out if a bad situation. I know live trusting God to help and guide me. I’m still very raw and pained, have my moments but feel relief knowing there isn’t anyone to snap or yell at me.
Maybe I have not really let go yet, I am trying to work in this, holding on to false hope that maybe he will wake up and realize he needs help and will change…..right. The focus needs to be me and only me, any suggestion how I can quit worrying about if he will change and want to work on our relationship to I need to accept and move on?
I would love to find a support group her in Denver, I feel so alone going through this pain.
Gail Brenner says
You have come so far with this challenging situation, Michelle! Good for you!
You are SO much better off without this man in your life, and you and your body know this.
The letting go can take some time. It came to a head 9 months ago, and you have done really well since then. So now is the time for another level of healing. Picture him in your mind and the hope you feel that he will change. I suspect you will see that there is no way that will happen. Feel how this image constricts you. Then look forward into a life without this false hope. It might be scary to completely unattach from these hopes, and that’s ok. Just let yourself lean into the possibility.
From what you say, I don’t hear a shred of evidence that he will change and want to work on the relationship.
A big hug to you, Michelle. Thanks for posting here…
J.V. Ramanan says
Life Healing from Struggles ….Your message is directing towards That!
Divine Service!
Barbara says
Thank you Gail for this helpful advice. I know that I have to let go, but am having a difficult time doing it. I keep thinking about the situation and I wish I can turn it off. Now you have given me tools to do this. Problem is in May and June I will see her a family events and it will be difficult.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Barbara,
Really get down to the nitty gritty of what you’re attached to. Practice not having those attachments now by creating pictures in your mind of being with her without the pain and longing. Then when you see her, you’ll know what it feels like to lose these expectations. See her as she is, love her, and wish her well. This is how you set her – and yourself – free.
xoxo
Barbara says
How do you love someone who hates you and wants you to rot In hell?
Gail Brenner says
You love them in your heart and wish them well, but you’re wise to stay out of their drama.
Tiffany says
beautifully written as always.. will be sharing this with others as it is the first article that really tells you how to “let go”. That phrase has always driven me nuts because people will say it but then not be able to tell you how.. so thank you for being the person to shine a light on the possibility!
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad this was helpful, Tiffany!
xoxo
Esther says
Thank you Gail for all your in spiritual articles. They have been very helpful for me. I truly feel by reading your articles I have relieved a lot of stress and anxiety in my life.
Gail Brenner says
I’m delighted to hear this, Esther! I’m passionate about getting the message out that we don’t have to be stressed and anxious. You have been able to integrate what you read in the articles into your everyday life. Good for you!
xoxo
Sue dean says
Hi Gail, I’ve been living. Miserable life since my dad died suddenly when I was eight this turned my world upside down even tho I didn’t really understand what dead was. I was constantly told not to upset my mum as she was suffering so I never voiced how much I missed my dad …I never knew the words to explain how I felt. I also struggled for years in a verbally and aggressive relationship which I thought was a normal relationship. I had 2 children with this man and Copyas constantly threatened he would run off with them so lived in fear for years with no support or help. I found help from my doctor after being totally depressed and on the brink of a nervous breakdown. My children and I had family counselling and I had counselling on my own for 3 years. My children got bigger and full of attitude and I was not as strong as they was As I have never felt safe to speak my mind. My opinion was always s**t, have been called abusive names by both children.
I have always done by best for them but nothing was ever good enough.
I spent 17 years by myself as I did not know how to have a relationship with a man as the walls I built inside myself were rock solid.
My first Grand -daughter was born and my world came alive, the love I felt for her was amazing. I had her stay every weekend and she filled m heart with JOY. My son then gave me a Grandson and my world was complete.
I finally rekindled a relationship with an old friend who knew of my past and wanted to help but I couldn’t let him in.
Eventually he took by walls down brick by brick and we are now married.
My children were so upset by this for some reason as my husband is a good, kind loving gentleman. I was so HAPPY but my children were not. I could not get them to realise that I was finally HAPPY and they felt I didn’t have the capability to decide for myself as I was not allowed my own opinion. They became abusive and stopped me seeing my Grand-children which tore my world apart. There was no real reason for them to do that as they used my Grand-children as weapons. I cannot talk to them reasonably as all they do is shout, swear aggressively.. This has broke me as a woman, parent and Grandparent.
I have had to have more counselling but I am stuck in the pain of it all. I am totally in love with my husband who treats me like I am the most Important woman In the world but I never feel happy Inside, I am in turmoil everyday and night. Please can you help me find Inner peace. I have tried all self help hypnosis but my heart is still NUMB!!!!
Thank you
Sue
Sue dean says
PLEASE HELP X
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sue,
You are being asked to find a different way to relate to your feelings, if that is where you are stuck.
As this post asks: what beliefs or expectations are you holding onto that are bringing suffering into your life? Consider the radical proposition of letting these go. What would your life look like then?
I wrote a post about not following your feelings that you can find here. It invites you to not focus so much on your feelings, but to appreciate the in-the-moment experience of what life is offering you. And there are many other articles on this site about ways to be with difficult feelings.
Inner peace comes when you stop the inner war with your own experience. See if you can tone down the drama and begin to be kind and loving with the feelings that arise in you.
atnib says
Thank you for the piece. i have read many of these sorts of articles before but i still have replays of the past in my mind and this bothers me.
6 months ago my boyfriend for four years had an affair. this happened in a period when our relationship was rocky and we were separated. we love each other very much and i want to forgive him and move on but its so hard. the pain just keeps coming back. our house is a reminder of the affair since it all happened here ( the couch and the bed). whenever i try to talk about it we end up fighting. its been 6 months and i expected the pain to have gone away by now but its still there. the lying, the betrayal and the disappointment.
pls Help!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Atnib,
To get over an affair two things need to happen. First, you both need to look at the problems in the relationship that led him to go outside of it. This asks you both to be honest and open about wasn’t working. Happy people don’t cheat, so something wasn’t working and this needs to be fully addressed.
Second, the one who went outside the relationship needs to show complete remorse and do and say everything on a consistent basis that rebuilds trust. It takes time to move through a relationship rupture like this. What is essential is that you can begin to trust him again and rely on him. If he isn’t doing everything in his power to convince you that he is back and that this won’t happen again, then your doubt is being fed.
These two points go hand in hand. Part of rebuilding trust is when you know as a couple that you have the skills and willingness to work through problems. This also bonds you and creates trust.
If you need professional help with these steps, please don’t hesitate to seek it.
Liz says
Thank you for this article! I’ve been really struggling with some things that happened at a job I just left where I was bullied for over a year. I finally left, but I never got any closure. Things that happened and that were said to me keep playing over and over in my head… I so badly want those thoughts gone. I’ve lost some friends over this incident… they were never great friends anyways so I’m not sure why I even care, but I do. I guess I always care what people think. My husband keeps telling me to just let it go. I’m trying. I’ve never had a hard time letting go of anything before. I guess this time it was so traumatic that I’m having a hard time getting the memories out of my head. I really want to just let it go. I feel like I need to forgive the bully in order to move on, but how do I do that? I just want the emotional pain to stop.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Liz,
Forgiveness is about finding peace within yourself so you can move on. It’s a process and one that needs to be taken gently. It might help to know what hooked you this time. What is the belief you’re holding onto that makes letting go difficult?
Here are a couple of articles that may help:
https://gailbrenner.com/2015/07/10-life-changing-facts-about-forgiveness/
https://gailbrenner.com/2009/11/how-to-forgive/
Sending love…
Dust says
I was dumped after 25 years for an affair partner. I think I must have been traumatized by the experience as I went through a period of losing weight and barely managing. I feel a lot of shame at being left and I have not told my family or best friend the reason that he left. I feel like the part of my brain that makes decisions doesn’t work properly anymore. I have tried to let go but 7 months later, I am still suffering every time there is contact. The most recent contact was to say that the affair was done but that he is moving in with someone else as he needed a place to stay. He has not expressed much remorse – just perhaps the word “sorry” typed in a text recently. I would like to learn how to let go when it seems like there is a connection to the trauma of the discovery that your life’s partner has rejected you suddenly. Do you have some articles that I can read on that subject? I am in counseling but I can only afford a few sessions so it will end soon. It’s a slow process and I find myself fearful of facing some things that trigger me into panic attacks over this huge loss. The financial side is also terrifying for me as a lawyer told me that I will have to support him for the rest of my working life. I try to look bravely at what scares me but it’s like my brain slides sideways across the reality. Maybe I need to overcome the trauma before I can let go? I was secure and he seemed to be a loving spouse. It was liked being stabbed over and over again by the person I trusted. I really want to stop caring and to move on and to deal with my financial fears. Just a few links to help would be much appreciated.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you for your comment, Dust. I hear a true desire for peace.
I haven’t written much specifically about trauma on this site. You may want to google how to move past trauma. I have written a lot about sticky thought patterns and feelings. Have a look at the archives here, and begin reading through. This article may help about coping with challenging life circumstances.
Sending love and support on your journey.
Joanne says
My partner has been holding on to a painful moment in his life since that day. He has made that part of his life. When anything is said and has a negative sound or not his quick to fire back. It usually is a simple minute or 2 fix but it last the whole day. For 18 struggling months together I have tried to push through it gently but now its becoming an every day frustration. All I want to do is converse but this pain stops him from opening up.