“Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But, when I felt that anger well up inside of me, I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate, then they would still have me. I wanted to be free so I let it go.”
~Nelson Mandela upon leaving prison after 27 years of confinement
Frustrated, impatient, pissed off, raging…aaarrrrrrgh! Yes, it’s normal to feel angry – you are human, after all. But if anger causes problems in your life – if it interferes with your health and happiness – then consider these 10 life-changing facts. Get curious about anger, and you just might discover an untapped well of vital energy that improves your life circumstances and wakes you up to the whole of life.
1. It’s easier to feel anger than hurt.
Anger tends to be a surface emotion. But if you look at what is driving the anger, you will often find hurt, pain, or fear. Can you tell the truth to yourself about what you are actually feeling? Can you meet the depth of your experience with supreme kindness? You might be surprised at the freedom you discover.
2. Anger has a strong physical component.
Bring out the microscope when you are angry, and you will find strong physical sensations – tightness, contraction, burning. Anger is a fiery emotion full of energy. If you don’t want to be caught in anger, bring your attention right into these physical sensations.
Without running a story in your mind, fully allow yourself to feel what is present. It might be difficult, but you won’t actually combust, I promise you. Be real with your sensations, and eventually the anger will stop controlling you.
3. Perfectionists are angry.
Are you a perfectionist? Then take an honest look at what you are saying to yourself. You will undoubtedly find a repetitive loop playing in your mind that is harsher than you might imagine.
Don’t kid yourself – this is anger. If you don’t want to be a slave to your perfectionist tendencies, then go to the root of the problem and learn to meet your anger with love.
4. Stories sustain anger.
Angry stories barrel through our minds like an out-of-control train careening down the tracks. To find freedom from anger, you must recognize the story and see that repeating it doesn’t serve you. Yes, what happened happened. But how much longer are you going to let it be your ball and chain?
Here are some strategies to help you soften the story:
- Open up with compassion to everyone involved, including yourself.
- Recognize that you are bringing the past into the present by repeating the story endlessly.
- Bring your full attention into the sensations you are experiencing in the moment.
- Commit to bringing all your actions in alignment with what you really, really want.
5. Anger comes from an overblown sense of self-importance.
Often, what underlies anger are statements like, “I’m right” and “I want my way.” There is a huge attachment to “I” and the beliefs of that “I” that causes separation and disharmony.
Recognize these “I”-focused statements and know that they keep you locked into one way of thinking. Then inquire:
- Am I really right?
- Does this wanting to be right serve me – and others?
- What does it mean to want my own way? What are the implications?
Exploration of these “I”-focused beliefs can lead you to untangle the deepest knots that block your happiness.
6. Anger causes separation.
Speaking of separation, what are the effects when you are angry? Anger pushes people away, scares them, makes them fight back or shut down. Relationships don’t have room to breathe when they are defined by anger. “How could you?” “You shouldn’t have…” Sound familiar?
Remember that anger – or any reaction – is not the fault of the other. If you are angry, look within yourself. Lovingly investigate what has been triggered in you, and your whole perspective on the situation will shift.
7. Anger gets attention.
Maybe you express anger because you want attention. Depending on the circumstance, this could be a useful strategy.
But consider this: there may be other ways for you to express yourself so that you are heard. Open up your mind and heart to all the possibilities.
8. Unexplored anger can mute your experience of life.
Are you sitting on a hotbed of anger, but keeping it so underground that you can hardly live? Some people are so intent on keeping peace that they minimize the truth of their experience.
Are you asleep at the wheel, attached to inner peace and pleasant living? Exploring the seeds of anger can enliven you to all of life.
9. Anger can transform into useful action.
Taking in all the problems in the world can bring about a sense of injustice. Yet, if you move from anger, you are missing out on the whole picture.
Meet your anger with love and let your heart break open. Then move forward with actions that are wise and skillful.
10. Anger traps you.
The arising of anger is not necessarily a problem, and is not even under your control. What matters is how you relate to anger once it is present. If you dwell in the energetic sensations and convince yourself that your thoughts are true, anger overtakes you.
But there is an alternative: feel the sensations and tell the truth about the story. Then anger is your ally – revealing more and more deeply the essence of you.
How does anger impact your life? What is your experience of dealing with it? We’d all love to hear…
Note: This post is part of the Life-Changing Facts series. Check out the others: fear, attachment, habits, healing the inner critic, happiness, and healing the pain of the past.
My anger was killing me (literally). I knew I could not go through another winter with such anger. I realized where it came from and why but I didn’t know how to overcome it. I decided to reach out to ANYTHING and ANYBODY. I found Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer and Ester Hicks has helped me tremendously. It took participation, perseverance, and repetition from ME. I lived their advice for 3 months. I couldn’t afford a counselor so I turned to YouTube. I wrote positive affirmations on index cards and taped them around the house and in my car. I made a gratitude jar where I kept a pen and post it notes (convenient). Gratitude lifts serotonin and dopamine. I read the books, listened to the interviews and advice, listened and repeated the affirmations, talked to myself in the mirror, created a fictitious counselor and told her my problems. All of this and now I’m 90% better. Part of mine was physical (hormones) but I decided by lifting my serotonin and dopamine it just might counteract the anger and depression and it did. I still have bad times (not days) I won’t allow it to linger for fear it’ll consume me again. When I say I was angry, I mean it. There were days I laid in bed and couldn’t even brush my teeth. I tell you this so you’ll know there’s hope. You can do it !!! You efforts will go out and you will be rewarded with a better life. I saw how my anger was ripping up those I loved the most and damaging relationships (even those I wasn’t close to). Please, ya’ll, believe you can do it. Everytime you make the effort you are that much closer to a happy life. A happier you and you will be giving a gift to those you love the most.
Thank you so much for posting this, Tami! This is the perseverance it takes because these conditioned patterns run so strongly in the body and mind. And what happened for you is absolutely possible for everyone. I want to highlight two things.
First, you lived the advice you were getting for 3 months. It doesn’t matter if it’s one month or 3 years. You have to live it. I had that same insight when I was going to a lot of retreats. One day, the lightbulb went off that told me it’s not just about going to retreats. It’s about making the teachings real in my own life. That was transformative. You have to create the conditions for things to change, then let your life change. It’s a kind of surrender – just do it!
I also love your creative idea of creating a fictitious counselor and telling her your problems. It can be a photograph of a counselor, a stuffed animal, a pillow – anything. The idea is to get it out so you don’t hold the stories inside where they fester.
I’m thrilled for your happiness and so glad you shared your process here. It is truly an inspiration of what’s possible.
Hey thanks heaps for the hope ????
I GUESS I DNT EVEN KNOW WHERE MY ANGER COMES FROM….IM HOT N COLD. ONE MINUTE IM HAPPY THE VERY NEXT IM N A RAGE. ITS DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. I PRAY SO HARD EVERYDAY TO BE DELIVERED FROM THIS….. I DNT EVEN KNOW WHERE OT COMES FROM FEELS LIKE A CURSE…. I AM SO DARN DEPRESSED AND CNT SEEM TO FIND THE LIGHT IN MY LIFE.
Thank you so much for posting here, Chris. I hear how challenging these things are for you.
I understand praying, but I don’t think it’s going to be the thing that delivers you. You have to slow things down, realize when you’re triggered, and breathe rather than react. I know that might sound impossible, but start small and give yourself a lot of slack.
Start to get curious about this rage. Rather than hating it, let it show you what it needs to calm down. You CAN make progress with this by learning to work with these feelings when they arise. It’s about the relationship you have with them. Now, you and the rage are not very friendly and it has a lot of power. Get very centered in the peace you really want, then turn to it and tell it that things are going to change. Here is an article that my help you.
I wish you the very best on this journey.
I’m desperately searching the web for help about my anger and hatred. I’ve seen doctors and have had medication. still angry! but reading this gives me hope and the drive to keep trying, for the sake of my family, I have to succeed.
I hear how desperate you are to make a change, Jamo. I’m glad you now have some hope. If you think private sessions with me can help, we can arrange that – just let me know.
In love and support….
My boyfriend gets so angry at me , every time we meet and I say something he immediately gets mad , as if he doesn’t want me to open my mouth he thinks I’m childish , a complaining . His anger is momentarily and harmless to me physically but emotionally I feel confused and afraid why it happened what did I say , any idea to have peace in my relationship
Talk to him about why he gets so angry. Try to understand him. And let him know how his anger affect you – that you feel confused, afraid, and hurt. Try to come together by sharing your feelings with each other and see how that goes.
I find myself getting the most angry when I feel utterly helpless. When I can’t see a resolution to my problem or I’ve been dealt a particularly harsh verbal blow from my partner, I get very angry. Yesterday, my partner called me a “dipshit” (I am 25 and he is 31), told me that the job I had was a joke… and I got so angry I dumped out all his clothes from the hamper to the floor because I really needed to do something physical. So hurt and upset, so frustrated, my anger just explodes out of me. I worry about my anger because it seems to be getting worse, especially when I drink alcohol. I recognize that I feel helpless and hurt, sad and angry at the same time, but I just get so fevered with rage that I let it manifest physically. It really disappoints me that I act like this.
Hi Alanna,
If you get angry when you feel helpless, first recognize that anger doesn’t solve anything. You are being asked to meet this feeling of helplessness, to take care of it so it doesn’t transmute into anger. It’s vulnerable to tell the truth sometimes – “I feel helpless and I just don’t know what to do.” But sometimes that is the truest statement to make to ourselves and others.
Slow things down so you can better track your inner experiences. Once you know what is going on, then there’s the potential for new choices. Have an honest talk with yourself about what is really important to you – and start living that.
Sending love and support…
I just left a 25 year marriage. Based on what I just read, I think / know you deserve a better partner. No one should be treated like that. If you had a daughter, would you want her to stay in a toxic relationship?
I’m always angry with my mom, I don’t hate her, she’s so supportive and I’m grateful of her but there’s just this anger that is so uncontrollable. Things I say to her are so not pleasing. I don’t know why I get so angry towards her
I don’t know either, Nokuthula. But I do know that you can meet your inner experience with love and acceptance. Slow things down, so you are able to make conscious choices about what you really want.
I have a 17 year old son (my only child) and I’m having a hard time understanding him.. he is always angry … he keeps saying that he feels lonely ..he grew up an only child with me .. his fathers was in the picture but not that much.. now he is having difficulty getting to open up to teenagers or friends …please help ????
Thanks for writing, Cinthia. It sounds like there are feelings below the surface that he’s struggling with. Maybe you can reflect back to him that this may be what is going on and help him get connected with a counselor in your local area, possibly at his school, so he has a safe place to talk. And maybe you can also see a counselor if you think that will support you. Wishing you the best…
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years and we’ve lived together for 3. I love him so much and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. He does so much for me and my family. My little sister just moved in with us and he does everything he can for us as do I. But, I get so angry at him and I don’t know why. Nobody can make me as angry as he can.. for example, yesterday, I picked him up from work, he got in the car and turned my music down while he had music on, on his headphones and told me to hurry up and pull away because he didn’t want his boss to try to stop him from leaving and I BLEW up because he turned my music down while he was listening to his own music on his headphones. This morning I tried to wake him up for work (he’s an extremely heavy sleeper and no matter how hard he tries, he can never wake up himself).. I accidentally spilled water on the floor, cleaned it up and after 2 minutes of trying to wake him up, I lost it again. I told him how pissed off he was making me and told him he needs to be a man and learn how to wake himself up and I told him to get his life together (even though he works almost 50 hours a week) and I called him a POS. He told me I needed to get my anger under control and told me every other day I’m happy and the next I wake up pissed and I really can’t control how I act. Once I’m mad I can’t stop and I curse at him and scream and I want to rip my hair out (not literally).
Maybe you need to look more deeply at the sources of this anger, Emily. Slow things down so you can see how you get triggered and what feelings arise. Then take care of yourself. This problem isn’t about your boyfriend. If you don’t want to be so angry, the invitation is to learn to meet your experience in a different way.
After losing all of my money (about 100k) to the stock market and then gambling and accruing 20k in debt I have reached a rock bottom in my life. Anger is so prevalent but so is depression, PTSD, anxiety all the shit that is said. Regardless, I find meditation to help me feel calm and happy for about an hour out of my days. That’s about it the rest is facing the demons that wreck my existence of greed. And failed opportunities. I am 25 so I am young in a general sense yet I feel old, I feel I missed the ticket.
Hello Anonymous,
Every moment is fresh and offers a new opportunity. And the opportunity is to begin making choices so that your life is more aligned with what you really want. You might start by reflecting on what you really want. What are your priorities? What is most important to you? Discover these values, then keep them in the forefront of your mind as you make choices moving forward. All is not lost. Take responsibility and be conscious in the moments of your life.
Wishing you well…
I reached this site because I too am tired of over reacting and erupting easily. My boyfriend used to carry a lot of anger soon after we met, I assume it was from his past or frustration for not being able to get his life on track. He’d say and do hurtful things. Life didn’t get easier for him, but he did change his outlook. The roles changed. I became angry from all the past pain that often surfaced. Now I have become the monster. He’s always apologising and has to pick his words extremely carefully in order to keep the peace. Says he reserves his comments most times because he knows how it’s going to end.
I hate who I’ve become. I know I am hurting him, and will cause this cycle to continue, unless I put a stop to it because he is remorseful of his past actions, and is 100% there. If he can become a better person for me, why can’t I do with that with the sane amount of ease????? I don’t want to hurt him anymore.
Get very curious about how you are triggered, Zam. What’s needed here is for you to be able to recognize when you’re triggered, so you can take care of yourself rather than lashing out at him in anger. So slow everything down. Get to know how this anger feels in your body. And when it comes, bring your attention to it inside and breathe with the sensations until they relax. If you don’t want to hurt him anymore, then you must get conscious enough of your own inner experience so you don’t do and say hurtful things. This absolutely possible for you….
Hi Gail,
I’m so angry. About 4 months ago, I found out my girlfriend was intimate with one of my best friends right before we started dating. I feel fooled and lied to. I feel I cannot trust her and I cannot be emotionally present anymore. I’m angry and my anger is blocking me from being honest. I feel confused about her feelings towards me and feel I cannot trust her when she tells me she loves me. I’m hurt and I do not want to continue dating her because of this. I thought I could get over it but I haven’t been able to. It keeps replaying in my head and it keeps coming up as we are all in the same community. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I now find myself questioning her intentions and am suspicious of her all the time. In a way, I feel cheated but I do not know how to express that to her. I am becoming more and more emotionally distant as I continue to harbour these feelings, and that is starting to cause deeper relational problems for us.
Help?
Hello J,
I appreciate the pain you’re experiencing. My suggestion would be for you to see a counselor in your local area – either for you alone or as a couple with your girlfriend. If you both are trying to stay together, there is some repair work that needs to happen so you can come together again and trust. Every relationship has storms, and we all need to learn how to weather them. Whether this one is a deal breaker for you or not, only you can know. And maybe you don’t know the answer to this at this time.
If you don’t seek counseling together, I suspect a counselor could help you get clear about exactly what got triggered in you and how to move forward. In reading what you wrote, I have many questions, so I can’t comfortably give you any personal feedback. I hear a real desire in you to somehow come to peace, and I support that unconditionally.
Wishing you well….
So I am always mad at my step dad and I tell my parent that I want to kills myself I don’t know why I am so angry at my step dad and he what can I do so I don’t get angry at him and I f I do he told me that me and my mom and my brothers will not live there anymore and they are just dating not married and I just angry and I say that so yeah
Hi Missy,
I don’t know why you are angry at your step dad either. Maybe you are angry about other things in your life and you are taking it out on him. I’m guessing that you are a student, so I’m wondering if you can get some help by going to a counselor at your school.
It is very serious when you say that you think about killing yourself. You need to seek out help right away. You can go to a school counselor, tell a doctor or nurse, call a mental health counselor and ask for help, or here is the national suicide hotline – there are people there trained to help people like you.
Call 1-800-273-8255
Don’t hesitate to call this number.
If you’re feeling that badly, you need to get the help you need, so please do that, OK?
Sending love and support….
I am now not mad at him anymore we had to fix some stuff but we are better now I am not angry at him no more and we both are happy now. Thank you very much!!!!!
I’m so glad to hear this! Thanks for letting me know.
so im not really sure how to go about this so bear with me, ever since i was litte ive always had problems expressing how i felt including my anger, and its went from simply being angry to wanting to throw things and hurt people for small things, how can i express my anger or at least lessen it to an amount that i can deal with again
Thanks so much for writing in, Brad. I understand this problem with anger. I’d like to suggest a tool called a “conscious rant” developed by Robert Masters. It’s a way to get out the energy of anger safely so it’s not sitting inside waiting to explode. Here’s the link:
I hope this helps you!
Ever since I dropped out of college, my anger and sadness grew to the point where I lived each day feeling more and more hostile. My loved ones became victims of my outbursts of frustration. I believed the source of my anger was from the people who surrounded me which initiated and escalated numerous arguments.
What brought me to this article was my recent fight with my girlfriend. “I don’t know if I want to stay with a partner who always yells at me for little to no reason” replays in my head. After reading these 10 facts I finally feel like I grasped something, like i’m starting to understand where my anger is coming from and who it’s affecting. I’ve identified the source of my anger but I don’t know how to progress. How do I maintain a lifestyle that isn’t dictated by anger. I don’t want to lose this feeling I have right now. Thank you
I’m so happy for your insight, Eugene! Keep meeting the anger you feel inside over and over with this wisdom. You need to make a decision that anger is not going to be in charge. Say hello to the anger, notice it, then don’t let it be the driving force in you. Take charge with a bigger and wiser part of you that wants peace and harmony. And do this every time anger comes – eventually it gets the message to subside.
I’m so tired of being angry. My wife and kids don’t want to be around me. My oldest son is afraid to bring his girlfriend around and both of my boys are showing signs of my anger in their lives. I’m ruining my family and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know what it’s like to not be angry and then I blow up every few days like a volcano. I think my family would be better off without me.
I really encourage you to get some professional help, Kenny. There are skills you can learn and begin to practice so that your anger doesn’t get out of control and affect your relationships so strongly. Using these skills starts with the intention to not want your anger to explode the way it does. Even, and especially, in those moments of the volcano, you have to want connection more than anger. You have to stop justifying why you are right and the other is wrong. You have to start getting humble.
These changes CAN happen. I suggest finding a counselor in your local area to help you or contact me at gail@gailbrenner.com about private sessions.
I wish you the best on this journey toward peace and clarity.
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My anger killed my 30 year marriage. I cannot forgive myself. I cannot fix this. I am hurting so much and have so much remorse and shame. How do I move on from this? I want to give up but I’m not brave enough for suicide.
Hi Jenn,
You are being asked to learn from this experience. This means looking within to understand this anger and do what’s necessary – right now and moving forward – so it doesn’t leak into more relationships. You may not be able to fix this, but you can apologize and do your best to make amends – either within toward yourself or with the people who have been affected. Learn from this experience so you can be a beacon of peace in the world for everyone around you. Then your difficulties serve yourself and others in a positive way.
Nelson Mandela put burning tires around the necks of his opponents after he was released. That sounds plenty angry to me, and an unhealthy way to express it at that. If you really think he’s a good guy, then we aren’t on the same team.
I didn’t know that about Mandela, Ike. Thank you for informing me. I thought this was an apt quote for the post, and including it doesn’t mean I agree with everything Mandela did. I’m not saying he’s a good or bad guy. I read his biography some years ago, and he is complex. Like all of us, he did things that aren’t admirable and are perhaps rooted in anger. I appreciate that you expressed your view here.
A lot of times in my life I have been on the receiving end of anger from people who were triggered by someone else. It felt as if I was a scapegoat. A if I were someone it was easy to be angry with as I did not fight back but tried calming them down instead. This makes me angry inside. Do you think people lash out at me because they feel they can, or is it possible I am behaving in a way that irritates them and they cannot pinpoint it, so use other things as the excuse? If this is true what could it be. I rarely express my feelings and opinions, but when I do people often disagree with me.
I appreciate your questions, Sara. I’m not going to be able to answer about your particular situation. But here are some thoughts. The issue is what you do when someone is angry at you. If someone treats you inappropriately, it’s healthy to set boundaries with them. There is a saying: you teach people how to treat you. I don’t know if that applies or not, but are you not taking care of yourself if someone is angry with you and you let it go on. Besides fighting back or calming them down, there is another option, which is to say something like, “I can’t let myself be treated like this” or ” This isn’t comfortable for me,” and “if you don’t change your tone of voice, I’m going to leave the room” – then do that. These responses make you not so easy to be angry with – in a good way.
And maybe there is something in you that triggers people – I appreciate your openness about that. You might explore within, or even ask someone who knows you if you’re comfortable doing that.
Thank you for your thoughts. I was bullied as a child and the only help and advice I was given was that it was the Christian thing to do to Turn the Other Cheek and the bully would get bored and move on. Recently I read that this is an insult. By acting as if the bully is of no consequence it enrages them further. My problem is that this behaviour is ingrained, but inside I feel the anger, but have no experience in expressing it.
Hi Sara,
Just like all emotions, you meet anger with love and understanding – without reinforcing the story that perpetuates it. You turn toward it to feel the energy and sensations in your body. This lets the anger be present without acting on it. I have written about emotions a lot here on the blog. Here is one suggestion for you. What You Need to Know About Emotions
Hi there! I don’t know what is happening to me, I never used to be like this, but I cannot control my anger anymore. I used to be very patient and peaceful but I have become the opposite, especially with my family. I can be very nice and caring with friends and colleagues, but when it comes to family, I just lose it at pretty much everything and anything they say or do. I saw this type of behavior in my ex-boyfriend (broke up a few months ago) and ager was pretty much the reason I decided “no more”. I am scared I am becoming like him. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Every time I have an anger outburst, I immediately feel guilty… so guilty I cry and feel like a monster. This is not me or the person I want to be. Any help is much appreciated. Thank you!
I appreciate your concerns, Ally. I’m not going to be able to give you personal advice, but I invite you into two paths of exploration. One is to see if you can identify anything that has triggered this change. That might give you a better understanding of what’s happening.
The other path is to bring awareness, then skills and tools, to your experience of anger. This involves taking deep breaths, thinking about situations beforehand and how you’re going to handle them, and staying in touch with the values that are important to you. There is much on this site that will help with painful recurring emotions. You can take a look here.
I understand feeling guilty after these episodes, but see if you can use them as an opportunity to explore a different response. Be curious about what you could do differently.