No, I’m not channeling Shakespeare, but I imagine I’m not alone in wondering what to do with difficult thoughts and feelings that recur in our lives over and over. Maybe you are limiting yourself by a story about the past, yet you keep repeating it in your mind. Or, even though you long to express love and compassion in the world, you find yourself judging others. Perhaps your emotions get the better of you when you thought you had already untangled that mess.
We know so clearly that we want to be happy, peaceful, and kind, yet these unsavory thoughts and feelings keep arriving. We desperately want to improve, yet our efforts to eliminate these trouble spots continually fail. Are we stuck forever in this endless loop of trying to fix ourselves?
Here is the good news: there is a way out of this frustrating cycle. And it starts by understanding what we can and cannot change.
What We Cannot Change
Some years ago, my happiest times were setting out on a mountain trail with a backpack on my back. It took only a few minutes until my whole body would relax, and I became part of the natural world. I loved that I couldn’t control what came my way: an unexpected summer snowstorm, a hungry skunk helping himself to our food, a delay that required hiking until late at night.
The lesson I learned? Intelligently go with the flow. My job was not to change what was unchangeable, but to accept, receive, work with, navigate.
“We can’t stop the waves, but we can learn to surf.”
~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Just as I couldn’t wish that snowstorm away, we can’t eliminate thoughts and feelings. And this bears repeating: We don’t have the power to control the thoughts and feelings that arise in us. A judgment, a grudge, a wave of jealousy or anger ā we can’t stop any of it from happening. But we can learn to accept, receive, work with, navigate.
The trouble with these challenging thoughts and feelings is not that they arise, but that we react to them. We judge ourselves for judging. We expect ourselves to be perfect, then slam ourselves when we aren’t. We say, āOh, not that feeling again.ā Then we judge ourselves for even these reactions. We may wish to change, but all of this resistance keeps the patterns firmly in place.
There has to be another way.
What if… a judgment appears in your mind, and you say, āOh, this,ā and breathe into the pain you feel. That mean-spirited story about your co-worker starts spinning in your mind, and you feel compassion for yourself and for her. Your simmering anger starts to boil, and you feel the intensity without saying or doing anything.
You stop blaming yourself for thoughts and feelings that you cannot control, and you let them be.
Meet Yourself as You Are
The goal is not to eliminate your reactions ā because this is impossible. Rather, recognize them, relax with them, pause, breathe, and then the most appropriate response is revealed. It’s so simple and such a relief. You stop fighting with yourself and instead notice your present experience. You intelligently go with the flow. And when you do, here’s what happens:
- You are more at ease with things as they are.
- Your attention is on your actual experience, so the mind chatter loses its power.
- You are patient with yourself.
- You feel compassion for yourself and others.
- You give yourself permission to be as you are.
- You stop blaming yourself for not changing.
Then do you change, or not? Wisdom will show you the way. Maybe change emerges organically as you realize that unrecognized pain is at the core of these ways of being you don’t like about yourself. Maybe you cease giving judging thoughts any weight because they don’t express your true heart. Maybe you discover that loving the tender places in you allows the feelings to ebb.
Be as you are, and all is at peace.
What are your thoughts about change? Have you succeeded at changing? Are you harsh with yourself because you can’t change? I’d love to hear…
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Hilary says
Hi Gail .. it is so true isn’t it .. if we go with the flow – life is much easier .. and I love your four words .. WARN:
W = Work
A = Accept
R = Receive
N = Navigate
Sail away .. be free, don’t be restricted .. change will happen anyway .. the wind does alter, the time does pass, life goes on .. sail and take freedom and relief with you ..
Thanks – great post .. Hilary
.-= HilaryĀ“s last blog ..Spaghetti anyone Made in China or does it grow on trees =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Hilary,
Yes, change happens, no matter what we want or don’t want. When we accept what is, freedom is right here.
Great to hear from you!
Nemo says
“Sail away .. be free, donāt be restricted .. change will happen anyway ..”???
You mean when the two of us were riding on that pitch black roller coaster… the 38 foot Cheolee we were on, down somewhere between Australia and New Caledonia we should have gone “with the flow”? With three reefs in the main, a blown out roller furler, ripped jib, no engine because the previous 5 days of going to weather in a catagory one to avoid the sea mounts and reefs caused sea water to contaminate the fuel (from being slamed endlessly on the side and water entering through a small vapor escape hole). “To go with the flow” with a new storm now to our back and on the radar screen is Cyclone Geniv…something headed directly towards us from the north?? This did not work with the captain in the movie The Perfect Storm…yes those were his words also. What it took for us was 15 minutes of the most intense prayer below deck to God that I have ever done and a lot of precise level headed action. My question to you Gail is that in those 15 naked minutes before God I asked him to save us and that the only other two things that I would want: Were to be with my daughters and a studio apartment. Once I did come back I did live in a very small place, but as you know I did eventually buy a much larger home and had my brother come to live there. Do you think that all this has been something like the Sanskrit “Layla” story that you mentioned. That I was predisposed to ‘not’ keep my pact with God? I do think that the whole life as a theater play is a very real phenomenon. For me it has a bit of irony as I am a stagehand. There may be a bit of serendipity with your current post as I bought an antique Art Nouveau theater muse ring (Happy and Sad) yesterday out of my favorite thrift shop. I am now wearing it and cannot help comparing it with the photo at the top of your article. All my best!Nemo
Gail Brenner says
What a storyteller you are, Nemo! I’ve heard lots of sailing stories – and it amazes me what people survive.
My understanding of leela is that it includes everything in the world of forms. But regardless, these circumstances you describe were designed to bring you face to face with God. So if there was a purpose, maybe that was it. My interest, always, is in what comes before the forms, what animates them. And circumstances like these can take us right to the source.
I love the synchronicity of this post with your being a stagehand and buying the ring, as well as our conversation about life as a play. What to do? Enjoy yourself, Nemo.
Love to you….
Nemo says
Thank you for your gracious kindness, educating knowledge, and simple advise. I will work on these myself. I would like to apologize to any other people that have posted if I was insensitive to what they have to say. Forgive me as my working life has given me a mix of the personalities of Geppeto and Bukowski.
There is more to the sea story…perhaps what I did not mention is “what comes before the forms”. “Leela” makes for a beautiful female name. I set out for the voyage with my “little brother” to find myself after in quick succesion the deaths of love ones, the separation of my daughters and wife (they being in another country for over a year), and the terrible divorce. My love loss was in my little brothers words “lingering” while his loss was “instant”. You see some people do not “survive”. It was in that whole “Perfect Storm” scenario that he lost his girlfriend out side of Auckland. About 5 boats went out on the same passage together…all had to be rescued. To use the words of Bukowski from his poem: the last song. “only one thing comes without a disguise and you only see it once, or maybe never. like getting hit by a freight train.” Their “freight train was the cargo ship that tore into the boat…the one that came out to rescue them. But here is the one thing that I belive Bukowski misses. There is something spiritual out there that we can be sure of. During that 15 minutes below deck some of that intense prayer was to ward off the anger of her spirit (I never met her but I could certainly feel her presense).
And so now here I am. My little brother does not seem as haunted. He has also advise me to “find peace”. I am working on it. I did go to the Sir James Galway concert with my daughters, former wife, and her husband. He performed with our Symphony…it was pure bliss.
My love to all
Gail Brenner says
“Find peace,” what a beautiful legacy from your little brother.
May your journey continue to be fruitful, Nemo.
Nemo says
Hi Gail
My daughters Grandmother passed away today in Ireland. In her memory I would like to share the version of Desiderata that she gave to me some years ago.
Amid the Noise and Haste remember the Peace one finds in Silence. Be Gracious in Disagreement, Calm in Discord and Gentle to people of lesser station. Speak your Truth quietly, not Loudly. Let caution in your business not blind you to the virtues in others. What Love you give make certain it be True. Feigned affection is worse than a curse. Forgo the Impulse of Youth and take the Counsel of your Years. Keep Interested in your Carreer no matter how humble. Nature your Spirit for sudden misfortune. Fatigue and Loneliness breed Fear so, beyond a healthy discipline be gentle to yourself and Keep peace with all other persons, above all with your Soul. You have a right to belong, no less than the trees. Whatever you conceive God to be, be at peace with Him. Despite of all its drudgery and broken dreams. This is still a Beautiful World and Happiness is yours, if you strive for it.
Dolly I will always remember the day we saved the hay in Talaroe…the tea, soda bread, jam, and the good crack we all had on our breaks! I’ll always love ya,
Rand
Gail Brenner says
Such a beautiful tribute, Rand. Thanks so much for sharing it here.
Rand says
First time I went back to Ireland on the second day I was way out the end of Loop Head giving my condolences to a family I did not know…all the men wore their Tamoshanters and Wellingtons and sat in the back of the church because the door back there once opened was only ten feet from the pub door next door! Now theirs another ‘story’ for ye! My youngest daughter and her mom went back yesterday to see Dolly off…what a wake that’ll be! I bought Alan Watts ‘The Way of Zen’ today…a lot of errands today but boy I felt “in the flow”. God Bless
Gail Brenner says
Blessings to you, Rand.
rob white says
Hi Gail,
Personally I have succeeded at make tremendous changes and believe I am continually doing so to this day. Like anyone, I can be gripped by old habits and knee-jerk reactions that pop up. Accepting that those “howling” voices of our past are going to arise helps us recognize them for what they are… I love your idea of “oh, this.” There is a sense of going with the flow… allowing these old thoughts to arise and letting them shout, stomp, howl and wail as we float up over them and let them exhaust themselves.
Gail Brenner says
I knew I’d hear from you on this point, Rob. Thanks for not disappointing me!
I agree that thoughts can change. What we can’t change, as you have pointed out, is the thoughts that appear. Those old patterns come, but when we allow them to do their thing without interfering, we, as you say so clearly, “float up over them and let them exhaust themselves.”
Then there is no problem with the thoughts, and we can stay aligned in our behavior with our deepest intention. All is welcome, and love and creativity reign.
Clearly Composed says
Great insights here! I think I have gone about wanting to change something and then finding even more changes come with the change! *lol* It seems that going with the flow of it all does make it easier and more fun. When a certain change that I want to happen doesn’t “stick” for me I find later it wasn’t what I needed but when I relaxed about it, something even better came along. Trying too hard to change seems to send a signal that something is “wrong” with me and that’s not a great place to direct life from. i’d rather be open to possibility than have some set idea on what I need to do to be “better”.
.-= Clearly ComposedĀ“s last blog .. Nutrition Spotlight- Soup =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hey Emma,
This is a great real-life description of working your way through the process. “Trying” to change is a lot of effort, tiring ultimately. When we relax, there is an effortlessness to change. I love that you prefer being open to possibility than having an idea of what you need to improve. We can’t know the best course of action, but if we stop and listen, the way opens up, again effortlessly.
I love these conversations. As we share our own process, we fine-tune, deepen, and ultimately dissolve into love.
Christopher Foster says
You speak truth so beautifully Gail.
“We don’t have the power to control the thoughts and feelings that arise in us.” Don’t you think it’s a bit like weather. The weather is going to do what it’s going to do. Here in Colorado anyway this is so.
It’s lovely of course when that bright blue sky is up there (which it usually is). But to forget that analogy for the moment. Re this business of living the change that I have found happening in me the past few years is realizing that regardless of the storms that rise up in me at times — stillness is still here.
It’s my own stillness, and it’s untroubled by the storm — this is the change ongoing in me.
.-= Christopher FosterĀ“s last blog ..Trust your body- love your body- listen to your body =-.
Gail Brenner says
So you are the sky, Chris. Weather comes – does what it does – and eventually passes on. But the sky, stillness, is always here, unaffected, clear, welcoming, at peace, love itself.
Beautiful to hear about this shift happening in you…
Christopher Foster says
That’s way cool Gail. There’s a path to authentic happiness here isn’t there… learning to identify with the sky rather than with the dark clouds swirling by from time to time muttering in their beard and complaining about what so and so did or said etc etc….
.-= Christopher FosterĀ“s last blog ..Trust your body- love your body- listen to your body =-.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Chris, all that muttering, and the sky is always here, untouched. This is the pathless path – realizing that we are what we seek.
Tess The Bold Life says
Hi Gail,
My biggest teachers are my son-in-laws;) I always center myself and get my love groove on high before visiting. If not I fall into judging them as not good enough blah, blah, blah…
I’ve learned to add “just like me” to the end of my judgments and that just keeps me real and peaceful.
I’ve come a long way however my ego or lower self will pop up in unexpected ways when I’m with them.
Because I know they’re my mirrors I don’t fight my judgments. I let them go and drop my story. Have a great weekend!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tess,
I love this – adding “just like me” to judgments. There is a “holier than thou” sense in judgments, and that busts right through it!
Knowing that judgments that arise in our minds are not about the other, they are about us, is very helpful. Then judgments can become pointer to our own areas of unexplored ego.
Great to hear from you, Tess. Sending love…
Steven says
Hey Gail! I love the Zinn quote – he is one of my favorite meditation teachers.
Of course, we always react to circumstances in one form or another. Emotions are just signals telling us to change our behavior. But as you mention we have to be careful not to overreact. Emotions are the sign posts, but we are the driver.
.-= StevenĀ“s last blog ..Interview- Rob White of Mind Adventure =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Steven! Thanks so much for stopping by.
Yes, emotions can give us all kinds of information. When we have enough awareness of them, we can make the choice to not be ruled by them. I have come to so appreciate the feelings that arise in me. They are so tender or fiery or soft or strong. They offer the richness of the human experience that makes life so juicy.
But…it is wise to know them well so we can stay aligned with what is true.
I also love Jon Kabat-Zinn! Great to know a kindred spirit…
Andrea - britetalk says
Hi Gail!
Surrender and awareness have been very valuable to me in my growth/change process. Surrendering to what life brings and being aware of what shows up for me in each instance. As I notice my thoughts about myself and the world around me, I give myself permission release them. This process causes constant changes and allows me to surrender more profoundly. This also helps me flow more effortlessly through life.
Thanks for a gorgeous post. Loving blessings!
.-= Andrea – britetalkĀ“s last blog ..The Gift of Unexpected Friendships =-.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Andrea! So glad to see you over here.
So beautifully said…surrender to what life brings and being aware in each instance. Just this is enough, more than enough, to flow effortlessly in life.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience so clearly.
Love, Gail
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: Really loved this one and all the insights you shared here. I am also a fan of Jon Kabat-Zinn and I really appreciated that quote you shared. I do think you are so right that we can’t resent the feelings and emotions that come to the surface and we are so much better off to accept them and manage through them. I really like the concept you shared of just intelligently going with the flow.
.-= Sibyl – alternaviewĀ“s last blog ..What to do When āEverything Happens For A Reasonā Isnāt Really Comforting =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sibyl,
Resenting our own experience does nothing but add turmoil and trouble. So, yes, accepting things as they are and moving from there is the intelligent choice. That said, sometimes we need to keep struggling until we are ready to stop.
Going with the flow with our eyes wide open is a wonderful way to live.
Love to you…
jonathan figaro says
We all can learn to surf by hopping on the board and making sure we Succeed at mastering the most powerful thing on this planet, Water. Or die trying. Those are the choices, from there, make the decision.
Surf guys surf.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jonathan,
Welcome! I’m so glad that you stopped by.
I’m not quite sure I understand your metaphor, and I don’t know a lot about surfing. But I imagine that by mastering water you mean learning to move with it rather than conquering it. We can always make the wise choice to flow with life rather than resist it, which seems to work for me every time.
I checked out your site – I look forward to reading more.
marilee says
Bingo, again Gail! And, I want to share something funny/interesting/mysterious that often happens after I read your articles: something to look at and heal usually pops up, and I immediately apply the tool/ information that has resonated. So I guess I’m not reading just for entertainment!
Also, I love what Adyashanti said: “Just for a moment, let yourself just be here. Let yourself stop becoming more, better, or different.” Thank you and a big hug, Marilee
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for that quote, Marilee. By Adyashanti: āJust for a moment, let yourself just be here. Let yourself stop becoming more, better, or different.ā What a relief just to read these words. We can give up the effort to become.
Maybe the fact that you resonate with what you read here is entertainment! What else is there to do but enjoy ourselves?
Big hug back to you…
Sandra Lee says
Hello Gail,
A beautifully crafted post filled with insight and wisdom.
I agree that we can’t stop thoughts and emotions from arising. That’s not the ultimate point of meditation and it would be impossible anyway. But by simply being spacious to thoughts and emotions – as you suggest – more humorous about them, more accepting, and more compassionate toward ourselves, the patterns begin to change.
So in the end the accepting and “not” changing brings change.
Thanks for another fantastic article.
.-= Sandra LeeĀ“s last blog ..Sunday Reflection- A Net of Brilliant Jewels =-.
Gail Brenner says
That’s exactly it, Sandra. Accepting and not trying to change lays the groundwork for true change. Meeting things as they are is transformative. We are not efforting to change – rather we are simply being, a state which helps things come into alignment. So if change needs to happen, it will.
Just as I wrote as a comment to your post today, the essential question is, “Who is doing the changing?” When we let go of the doing around change, the resistance falls away, there is a sense of getting unstuck, and there is space for wisdom to come through. Then change happens without anyone “doing” the change. All it takes is paying attention to what is here in the present.
Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I always appreciate your thoughtfulness and deep consideration.